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Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

January 10, 2011 //  by Donna Andersen

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Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?

For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:

I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.

My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.

Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.

The seduction

The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.

When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.

In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.

For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.

Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.

The sex adventure

Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.

But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.

Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.

The sex connection

From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.

Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”

Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.

So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.

Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.

The addiction

A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.

Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.

So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.

From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.

The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.

Vulnerability

How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?

Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.

These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.

For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?

Recovery

So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?

First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.

Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:

Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.

How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.

If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)

And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

You can move forward.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath, Seduced by a sociopath

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super chic
14 years ago

blue eyes, Hapy New Year to you too! Good to hear from you,
have missesd you, thrilled you’re feeling better!!!!
That does make it a good year! xoxo

super chic
14 years ago

Lostnconfused, don’t go back, whatever it is you are looking for… you will not find within her, you know it’s all an ugly lie now, you won’t get your fix, you will continue to be miserable, and you can’t do that anymore because you know the truth. Live in the truth. Cry it out and then get up and even if you only have one tiny thread of dignity and hope left you can use that to start weaving a new strong life with. You are doing this for YOU. You can’t live a lie anymore, none of us can. You can do this. I believe in you. Keep coming here and posting, it helps so much and we all learn from each other’s struggles. xoxo
Hope you read StillHaveMySoul’s post right above this, it’s really great.

super chic
14 years ago

lesson learned, I am so glad you found a therapist!
You are in my prayers! I know you have been praying for this,
maybe there was a little delay, but God is working in your life.
Things seem to happen for a reason. xoxo

tobehappy
14 years ago

Still ….

Best post on this board!!!

I’m exactly where you are now…except the love of my life hasn’t appeared yet….but he’s on his way!!

I’m FREE for the first time in my life!

I will NEVER let anyone near me who doesn’t REALLY care about me. I surround myself with healthy loving people.

Or….I stay alone with me….because I love ME!!!!

Thats REALLY what life is all about anyway….loving yourself.

lesson learned
14 years ago

Still have.

This is one of the best posts on the board.

I absolutely love it.

LL

StillHaveMySoul
14 years ago

Glad it may have helped. Another day waking in peace.

aussiegirl
14 years ago

LL –

“They all think I’m nuts. Now I’m beginning to wonder if i am…..
I”M SO ANGRY AT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.”

Sweetheart, we ALL felt this way before we learned not to. Tell me – do you think the rest of us on LF are nuts? Is is hard for you to believe that we could once have felt the same way about ourselves that you do now? Do you think that any one of US should still be angry at ourselves for having been sucked into the vortex? (If so, WHICH one of us?)

If you don’t think that we are all lunatics who should stay angry at ourselves, then what would make it okay for you to be a lunatic who should stay angry at herself? What makes you so completely different from any one of us? We require an extremely detailed and convincing account of all of the things that you did that none of US did…….and I feel pretty darned smug that you are not going to be able to come up with any kind of list like that.

“He’s holding HER tonight, not ME. He’s probably getting from her what I couldn’t give. I got “old”, I got “boring”. ”

They don’t “hold”; they strangle and they smother and they choke, but they surely do not “hold”. Not in the way that YOU mean “hold”.

There is nothing she (or anyone else, ever) is able to give him that you did not already give him. Did you give him your love, your trust, your heart, your soul, your life, your very power? What else is there for a person to give? What else is there for a person like him to take? You have been bled dry and sucked hollow – you have already given him more than was feasible, reasonable or healthy. No normal relationship would ever demand that of you. Whoever “she” is (and the next “she”, and the ones after her), “she” will likely give the same as you did; she will likely give everything that she has and everything that she is. It won’t help her, either. There is nothing to envy about “her” or about any of the next “hers”. Look at the price you have paid and are still paying. Then tell me one good thing about any of it; but think deeply on the true meaning of the word “good”, before you do that.

Old? Boring? No. Not that. Sad and tired, yes. But not old and boring. Look at your daughter – you said she escaped her own spath relationship at 22. Did that make her old and boring? Look at Lostnconfused – she is not old, she is very young. Look at the people who post here – do they strike you as boring people? You are just tired honey. You need rest and you need help. That’s all. xx

“I found a therapist!!! I’m so excited to go!!!”

I am so very happy for you girl. This is your new start. x

To those who have wondered, and for the lovely Notcrazee who was having a little worry about Gem and I last week, here is the news (in brief) from Down Under –

As you may have already read, Gem is in NSW and is fine. The floods have now reached 5 states (including the top end of NSW, although clearly not where Gem is located) and are all due to the same crazy weather systems. Queensland – which has made international news – has been the longest and hardest hit. I didn’t see the news today, but as at last night, 20 people were confirmed dead (18 in QLD and 2 in NSW), while at least 10 people are still missing from the area in QLD that experienced the horrific flash flooding (or, as the journos are calling it, the “inland tsunami”). The footage and the stories coming out of that area are just gut-wrenching. The area flooded in QLD was greater than the land area of Germany and France combined, this time last week, and even more places have gone under since then.

While most of Queensland is/was under water, parts of New South Wales and Victoria have also flooded during this past week, as have parts of Tasmania (our separate island state right down the bottom near Antarctica) and parts of the top end of Western Australia (where I live).

The most ridiculous thing has been that while the other side of the country was flooding last Monday, my part of Australia was burning. Seven fires were lit just before lunch time last Monday, 20 kms from my home. Nine homes burned to the ground in an area that consisted of national park and small acreages (5+ acre properties). In total over 2000 hectares (5000 acres) were burned before the fire was brought under control on the Wednesday. A dear friend of mine was trapped in the fire, which spread so quickly that most people did not have time to pack anything or even to save their animals (horses, cattle, sheep, goats, alpacas, dogs, cats, birds…) – they just had to flee for their lives. My friend’s house was the only one still standing in her street (they had a sprinkler system on the roof, which saved the house, and her family of four who were in it as the fire passed over them, although many of her animals perished) and I spent several hours on Monday afternoon thinking that she and her family had been lost to the fire.

In all, an awful and distressing week.

Add to that a 1.4 metre highly venomous snake killed in my yard on Monday (I had just been kneeling where it was before I stood up and noticed it…) and another one on Saturday – 1.2 metres long – that I hurt my neck and shoulder killing, trying to cut its bloody head off with a blunt shovel before the rotten thing bit me….and as a result I’ve been laid up with pain from my neck and shoulder for the past few days… GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

The only good thing was a win in the Family court against the spath on the Tuesday of last week (re: Property settlement stuff).

aussiegirl
14 years ago

PS: somebody I AM a bit worried about though, is Nottoolate. I’m sure that is is her who lives somewhere on the other side of Oz, but I don’t know which bit, so I don’t know if she is alright or not.

Does anybody know whether she has posted at all this week?

Also – how is Petite? I can’t even begin to try to catch up after a week offline….

And Oxy – when is the parole hearing? It must be soon…

behind_blue_eyes
14 years ago

shabbychic;

Thanks. I still am going to get the betrayal bond book. Remember, I was simultaneously the victim of a narcissist/sociopath at work and a sociopathic relationship.

Perhaps I should talk a bit more about the narcissist/sociopath boss, as that situation is still being played out.

The only question. How many $$$ will I get.

Fullofpain
14 years ago

Hi guys,
Just wanted to check in with you today. I didn’t go to work today cause I wasn’t feeling well. Some days I’m so down that I just don’t have any energy to do anything.
I read about all of your pain and stories of what you have gone through and it tears at my heart!
I just can’t seem to let go of the dream that he whispered in my soul. Come to me and I will treat you like “A Princess”. He kept saying “You are Mine!” I never thought for a moment that I was his possession. It always felt good to be wanted! Something I’ve noticed from all of the posts that you all seem to think the a Sociopath always cheats. I know that my man didn’t or wouldn’t cheat. I would have known that. He even had to get meds from the Dr. to help our relationship. In your mid 50’s things tend to go downhill if you know what I mean. Is it possible to be a Sociopath and not cheat? Also I read about animals and that they don’t have any connection with them. Mine loved my cat and looked after him giving him IV Fluids every other day. Is it possible that I’ve diagnosed him wrong? Also, he is being treated for depression. Can SPaths get depression? And he hasn’t been running after me when I leave. He keeps saying that he is honouring my wishes for no contact. Do you think I’ve misdiagnosed here?

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