Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?
For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:
I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.
My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.
Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.
The seduction
The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.
When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.
In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.
For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.
Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.
The sex adventure
Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.
But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.
Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.
The sex connection
From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.
Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”
Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.
Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.
The addiction
A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.
Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.
From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.
The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.
Vulnerability
How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?
Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.
These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.
For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?
Recovery
So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?
First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.
Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:
Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.
If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.
How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.
If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)
And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
You can move forward.
skylar;
For your own sake, you need some closure regarding your parents. Try this approach. Instead of thinking them as victimizing you, think of them being victims of similar treatment, perhaps from your grandparents.
BBE,
YES! That is what I have been doing the last few days. I know it’s true. We have all talked about it and they admit it. Intellectually, they accept that. Looking at the way my father talks about his mother is the most revealing. It has revealed the striking similarity in the way I feel about my own mother.
My dad says his mother is a saint and his salvation. Her prayers are what have protected him.. Yada yada yada. The truth which everyone who knew my grandma knows, is that she was an evil narcissistic bitch. So why does my dad see her so differently? TRAUMA BOND.
That is how I realized that trauma bond is the cause of my pain and anguish at the thought of separating from my parents. For so much of my life, I perceived them the way my dad did his mom. The only time that I didn’t, was for the short period of adolescence when I became rebellious.
Even if I don’t go NC with them, just allowing myself to think of them as less than perfect saints, shakes my world view to the core. As I’m trying to come to terms with it, it is breaking me down.
My dad says that any punishment he got as a child was deserved because he was an unruly boy. This is a typical explanation that a child resorts to in order to feel safe. Exposing your parents as evil is never safe. It is better to scapegoat yourself.
I’ve been reading from this website:
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php
here’s a quote:
Very severe cruelty in childhood is hardly ever recognized as such. Usually, it is considered part of quite normal upbringing. The extreme ”“ often total ”“ denial of the pain we have suffered not only thwarts recognition of the wrongs done to us. Above all, it negates the anger of the little child that has to be suppressed in the body for fear of punishment. Parents are honored out of fear, the adult child waits a whole lifetime for their insight and love, thus remaining trapped in a form of attachment sustained by the fear of being abandoned. The consequences of attachments that are dependent on the absence of true feelings are mental and physical disorders and the suppression and sacrifice of life satisfaction and happiness.
My best personal example is my Aunt. Not that she directly affects me, but she and my mother are close and they why she controls her children and grandchildren is extreme.
All of them have issues, except for her two grandchildren who, interestingly, have the least contact with her as their mother divorced my abusive and addicted cousin when they were young.
Of course, to “protect” her children she constantly reminds them about the “bums” they have married or been now divorced, dated. I have never heard her say a nice thing about anyone any of her children or grandchildren dated.
To her grandchildren’s face, she will remind them that their father of mother is a “bum.’
When she had money, she would shower all them with gifts, including buying homes. The cost to them was control, her keeping them close.
To this day, she refuses to remain unresolved with issues that are none of her business and will contemptuously maintain that as a parent or grandparent, she has every right to meddle in their now adult affairs.
Dear learned lesson,
I applaud your insight into the stress you are under and you taking some positive steps to get professional help. Believe me I KNOW about the embarrassment and problems with seeking help. I felt so HUMILIATED by being on the “wrong side of the clip board” as a mental health/medical professional who was SEEKING HELP for my own problems. I’m glad, oh, so glad, that I did though. I’m working on taking my own advice now both mental health wise and physical health wise. It has been a long slow process of medication, therapy and self help. Learning and APPLYING what I have learned to my life, and for me to QUIT lying to myself, get out of denial and into REALITY check! Whether it was emotional things or eating too much or smoking or too little exercise. I am having to force myself less now and actually doing things that are good for me more because they FEEL BETTER and they are getting more “normal.” I am not staying in pain emotionally or physically without doing something about it.
Getting a “diagnosis” of what is causing the pain (emotional or physical) and then setting out to fix that problem is the only way we are going to succeed. We must listen to our gut and when we feel pain we must see what is causing it. If we are wrong in our diagnosis of where the pain is coming from we can’t fix the problem and stop the pain. It takes time and learning and we must be patient with ourselves and not give up.
Oxy,
I understand about “the other side of the clipboard”. It IS humiliating and I’m ANGRY about it!!!
This has put a huge STOP to anything I’m pursuing right now, just to take care of myself. I’m trying SO HARD to be OKAY with where I’m at right now, which is, in fact, NOT OKAY.
I have health issues that need dealing with as well and I’ve had and will have more, doctors appointments left and right, having neglected myself for a bastard for ten years. It has taken its toll on me and this process is NOT going to be fast, which feels VERY discouraging. I’m barely able to cope and function right now. Of course, with appointments, then subsequent results, it takes TIME for all of those things to come together.
I don’t know who I am or what to do quite frankly. I have to be okay with that now too and just do the best I can to move through the process. It TOTALLY sucks right now though, Ox. IT TOTALLY sucks!!
LL
Hello, all! It seems like that a lot of our focus here at LF is rightly on finding ways to heal from our dysfunctional families & sociopathic partners. I ran across this article & quiz on RESILIENCE at WebMD, & thot it might be of interest to you all. It’s a simple little 9 question quiz, & tho I *intellectually* knew the correct answers, I found the answers & discussion of them to be thot-provoking for me. I’ve kept this minimized on my computer this week & have gone back several times to ponder the advice about resilience. These are all things I plan to bring up with my therapist tomorrow: “okay, if I know all these things, why do I have such a hard time doing them—or *accepting* that I AM doing them!!”
Hope this is a helpful place to post this, & in line with the current discussion.
*”We’re often told that we’re a resilient people, and that our resilience will see us through what is likely to be a year filled with financial hardship. But why are some people better able than others to weather traumatic events like a job loss, home foreclosure, or personal ordeals? And which of our personality traits are associated with resilience?
To find out, we spoke with two experts: Steven J. Wolin, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry at George Washington University, co-director of Project Resilience and co-author (with Sybil Wolin, PhD) of The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity; and Bernhard Kempler, PhD, clinical psychologist and Holocaust survivor. With their help, we have put together a quiz to test what you know about resilience, and to offer a few tips on bolstering your share of this essential human strength.*”
http://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/resilience-quiz
LL
i may seem grounded because it was such a short time in my life in comparison to some people’s experience. this is, unfortunately, not the first pshychologically abusive relationship i’ve been in, but this is my first (AND LAST) sociopath. i have also lived with depression for almost 20 years. therapy in very formative years may have given me some coping skills that are just “second nature” to me, but aren’t to others. this is a weakness too, because it is certainly part of the reason i was able to “tolerate” so much from the socio.
i am hoping maybe this is something that will help you, and others. because right now, its the only thing i have to hang onto myself….
give yourself permission to find happiness in very small things!
if you allow yourself this, you will always be able to find some happiness, even if just a split second. and who knows, maybe it will grow?
set a very small goal for yourself, and be proud when you accomplish it. it doesn’t matter if its as small as cleaning the toilet . think of this time as similar to rehab for someone who has been physically injured. you wouldn’t tell that person not to be proud of accomplishing a normal daily task. SO DON”T DENY YOURSELF THAT. its just has hard to have your world turned upside down. you have every right to be proud that you SURVIVED.
and be proud of yourself for knowing when to lean on others and ask for help. thats a huge accomplishment that shows your strength of character.
BBE,
YES, the circumstance in which i ended up with this person was also part of the “perfect storm”.
i had lost my job and was very uncertain of my finances and sort of just floating around, waiting for the stability of a job.
i made for the perfect target.
i’m trying to realize that the situation was part of why this happened, not just my “mistake” or bad judgment. it was at least partially circumstantial, and there was nothing to be done about that aspect of it.
gotta stop beating myself up about that part.
Dear Greenbean, your advice about taking pleasure in the small things is so right on!@....... Glad you are here to share some of your hard won wisdom and techniques for survival and joy.
How long does it take to heal? It has been nine months since I slept with him. Five months since we had a conversation. I still see him around my town. I still have to face him. How long will it take before my heart stops racing? When the dreams stop?