Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

UPDATED FOR 2026. Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment and get over that amazing ‘chemistry’?

For example, Lovefraud received the following letter:

I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.

My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.

Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.

The seduction

The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.

When two relatively healthy people begin dating, you are both testing the waters. You are spending time with each other to see if you like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one of you may be more interested than the other, but neither of you has made a decision.

In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce you. They lavish you with attention. They want to know everything about you, they call and text constantly, they shower you with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.

For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.

Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants — at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.

The sex adventure

Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.

But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers — at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.

Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting you to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate you. This is especially fun if you initially resist the demands.

The sex connection

From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation — the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.

Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”

Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, during childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.

So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.

Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.

The addiction

A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.

Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in you. But instead of driving you away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.

So what do you do? You turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring you. You, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so you do. Then the two of you have sex, which reinforces the bond again.

From your point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for you to escape.

The result: For you, the love bond becomes an addiction.

Vulnerability

How is this possible? How do you get into this predicament?

Often, you are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that you have already experienced in your life. As a child, you may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. In fact, even a lack of interaction from caregivers is traumatic for children.

Or, you may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as deception, betrayal or domestic violence, from which you have not recovered.

These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal.

For healing to occur, you need to look honestly into yourself and into your history, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?

Recovery

So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over that amazing ‘chemistry’ with the sociopath?

First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.

Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., writes in his book called The Betrayal Bond:

Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.

To do this, commit to facing the reality of the relationship — all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception — you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must deal with the truth of the experience — including the betrayal.

EFT Tapping

How do you do this? One excellent way is through EFT Tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques). You bring specific incidents that contributed to the trauma bond to mind while tapping lightly on specific acupressure points on your face and torso. This sends a signal directly to your brain that reduces trauma and breaks the addiction. It works — quickly and completely.

I can help you with EFT Tapping. For more information, click on the Talk to Donna link below.

And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

You can move forward.

Learn more about recovery through EFT Tapping: Talk to Donna

Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 10, 2011.