Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
To All:
Mine would always tell me I must enjoy drama; now I admit I enjoy excitement but healthy/fun excitement … Every time I tried to talk to my ex about how I felt or how I felt about our relationship and wanting to make it better, he would get annoyed and call it drama.
I kept trying to talk to him because he never made our relationship feel “secure”…
Has anyone gone through the feeling of constantly wondering what their ex is doing and who he’s with or how much happier he may be without you in his life? Since my breakup is no new I’m hoping this is a normal process but can’t help but feel hurt/sad.
Then I think of how he devalued me and my feelings and I get angry. Sometimes I feel like I’m on my own emotional roller coaster!
LONG after all the major work, you can still wonder about him. Just like you sometimes lull yourself into having warm thoughts of memories of times that you know did not truly exist. It’s an amazingly long process for many.
If you think he’s now the perfect guy to his new girlfriend, think again. She too has experienced all the feelings of things just not adding up. The sense he is somehow truly not really there for her. The sense something is wrong. He has almost without a doubt, cheated on her. Like you, she worshipped him and like you, she is just taking years out of her life that will take many more to recover from, if she ever takes a stand, or more than likely when he discards her for his next victim.
There are no coincidences and anyone who has recovered from this experience will invariably tell you that they are far more connected with themselves and the universe than they were before the pathology walked into their lives.
You cannot let the good in until you let go of the bad. But letting go is not an overnight process. It is like working out and eating well, you have to keep doing it, over and over and over and if you stop, you will slip back to being overweight and out of shape.
Soldier on, Sisters. He was never worth it and he isn’t worth it to the one he’s with now.
The bottom line is no contact is the almighty rule for a reason. It’s painful, but it’s the a critical dose of medicine that works to help you recover.
Bit by bit, you will recover. Don’t put a timeframe on it. It can take YEARS. But years better spent than those years of hyper vigilance ”“ feeling a need to play detective all the time and knowing in your heart that something just isn’t right.
Peace Friends.
NCR
NoContactRules
Perfectly put. I can so relate to the detective thing. While I was driving into town to try to catch him in his lies I would be thinking, ” This is insane and who have I become”? From my understanding, my xspath could last about 2 years until his mask slipped enough that his girlfriend would start to realize intellectually that he wasn’t long term relationship material. It would take longer to finally extricate herself from the relationship. They don’t change for anyone. No matter what the next one is worth to them. Whether it be money, status or whatever. They eventually come out and mess it up.
Some great lyrics to ponder:
I know a girl with the golden touch
She’s got enough, she’s got too much
But I know, you wouldn’t mind
You could have it all if you wanted
You could have it all if it mattered so much
But then all they know is how to put you down
When you’re there, their your friend
But then when you’re not around
They say, ‘Oh, she’s changed’
You know what they mean
Well they mean, they’re just jealous
Because they never do the things
They wish that they could do so well
The kind of girl, yeah she’s never alone
You leave a thousand messages on her phone
But you know you never get through
You could have it all if you want it yeah
You could have it all if it matters to you
But then all they know is how to put you down
When you’re there, their your friend,
Oh then when you’re not around
They say, ‘Ah, she’s changed’
Oh you know what that means
Well it means they’re just jealous
But they’ll never do the things
That they wish that they could do so well
I saw my girl with the golden touch
Give them a taste but not too much
I just can’t listen to the words of fools
But don’t give away too much
Someone will need your golden touch
Because all they know is how to put you down
When you’re there, their your friend,
But then when you’re not around
They say, ‘Oh, she’s changed’
Oh you know what that means
Well it means they’re just jealous
But they’ll never do the things
They wish that they could do so well
They’ll never do the things
They wish that they could do so well
They’ll never do the things
They wish that they could do so well
They’ll never do the things
They wish that they could do so well
Kmillercats
The “detective” thing made me chuckle but with a bit of embarrassment for myself. My ex and I lived 2 1/2 hrs apart so I was only really with him Friday-Monday so he was up to gosh knows what when I wasn’t around… Even thought we talked & texted a lot when we weren’t around one another, I’ve since learned he’s a fantastic liar.
When I first found out he cheated I did so by following a gut instinct & looked at his cell phone & found texts. Thereafter I feel like I turned into a crazy insane person. I always told myself that if I ever felt I couldn’t trust someone I would never turn into a detective, boy was I wrong, when I saw the texts it made me want him more- how pathetic I know.
So the saga continued, I got into his email account, found emails and thereafter I would check him email account almost daily, sometimes 20 plus times a day and this behavior of mine became an obsession but it didn’t stop.. When I would confront him at first he was apologetic then the next day mad at me for snooping telling me who the hell does that kind of stuff and if I didn’t want to know the truth why snoop. Those two comments alone made me feel like I belonged in a looney bin. But I kept at it… He started locking his phone, then I became even more suspicious, eventually he stopped locking it but would keep it with him at all times except when sleeping. So when he was sleeping I would crawl (literally) on the floor over to his nightstand and grab his phone, crawl back to my side of the bed, and start my investigative work under the covers of our bed ( he was a heavy sleeper). Once done I would crawl back over to put the phone back….. This was my life for the past year. I busted him 4+ times but still stayed and became more crazy. Then I got into his cell phone account and was constantly checking it minute by minute refreshing the page to see who he was texting/calling. Funny how I learned I would text him and he wouldn’t answer for hours yet I could see he was having a texting conversation with one of his many gfs non stop every minute… Btw I also learned he had a second cell phone, oh but gullible me believes it was a back up work phone in case his main one stopped working! Yea right! Anyhow that’s how his consistent cheating, lies, manipulation, throwing things in my face when he was in the wrong, making me believe i created all this drama, telling me that I will always cheat because that’s my history ( I cheated one time many years ago on a diff bf not once on this sociopath), telling me that I’d get bored and leave him someday so he figures why give up his gfs … It goes on & on and it caused so much confusion and chaos in my head that I admit I turned nutty, trying to keep my sanity. I was tired of being so giving and loyal and compassionate yet getting stomped on time and time again.
So, the bottom line is my detective work uncovered a lot of truth to what I already suspected but continuing my detective work & staying with this ass for over a year really damaged my self worth and self esteem..
DenBroncos007, I most certainly wondered about the first abusive exspath. After my exit, I was till deep in cog/diss and trying to “make nice” because we had children in common. Although I knew that I had escaped a horribly abusive environment and I knew about the term, “sociopath,” I had NO idea what kind of recovery was necessary for me to avoid being harmed, again. In fact, the current exspath specifically targeted me, online, in a topic chatroom (LONG before internet dating sites), and I was an open book and very easy target.
This second time around, I am going to say that I had warning that things were “not right” long before I discovered what the exspath is. I was in denial because I didn’t want to have to endure another divorce, another failed marriage, etc., but I had already found this site with regard to another matter. The information that was shared on this site rather prepared me for what was to come.
I don’t have any emotional attachment to this second exspath. After this site and strong counseling, the only thing that I might “feel” for the exspath is outrage that he’s going to get away with his crimes with no more discomfort than a public scolding in family court. “Now, now, that was very bad. Be a good boy, and go on about your business….” is what it will likely amount to since there are no punitive damages to be legally awarded in “No Fault” divorce (which, oh-by-the-way, MUST change).
I pity any many, woman, or child who becomes entangled with the exspath. He was a bumbling idiot with me, but a younger and softer woman will be easily duped by his tripe, and if she has any children, they will be ruined by his passive/aggressive treatments.
So, the answer is that I don’t concern myself with whom the exspath is with, what he’s doing with them, what he’s doing TO them, or whether they will wise up, or not. I have too much recovery to make and my attention needs to be upon myself.
Brightest blessings
DenBroncos007, we must have posted over each other.
With the first exspath, it just seemed easier to roll over, take the abuse, and “keep the family together” because I had been beaten down so low that I used to wish (actually pray) that I would simply die. I didn’t have the nerve to take my own life, but I didn’t want to live, any longer. I wasn’t “living.” I was only “existing.”
Today, one red flag – one lie – ONE “text message” of questionable content, and I would be out without the blink of an eye. I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a “soulmate.” There is no such thing as “The One.” There are literally billions of human beings on this planet, and I do not believe that one person out of those billions of people was put on this planet strictly “For Me” as my “soulmate.” It doesn’t make sense.
And, anyone that would ever, EVER look me in the eye and tell me, “God made you for me to love” would be HISTORY before he finished his sentence.
That’s not to say that healthy partnerships don’t share interests, etc. Of course, they can! But, spaths don’t live in a “healthy” universe. They live in a world where there is One King/Queen, and One Citizen, and they play both roles of emperor and citizen. All other human beings are like gnats to be swatted aside.
Brightest blessings
Although I am not in love with a S path. I am in love with there children. I need to learn how to get these children out of my head so the pain will go away. I heard him in court on Monday tell my grandson “I hope she is getting her satisfaction” I can not ever think or understand what he meant by that because where in this mess would a person find satisfaction. Court was postponed for another six months because they did not get a lawyer. The judge pretty much told her that they are wasting there time that this belongs in family court not criminal court. There has been no crime done. How can I forget all this and put it all behind me.All I see is my grandsons face standing in that court room being forced to testify against his grandmother that he loves very much but also has to live under the roof of the paths. The male path as much as told my lawyer he is setting me up when he said he was going for the peace bond because it will only take a week for me to break it. That again would have to be a set up because they still think I have conversations with my grandchildren when the only words that have came out of my mouth is I love you. Lock me up and through away the key. How can I put this all behind me when they will not let me.
Truthspeak:
I look up to you and all that you’ve overcome and hope that someday, very soon I can feel as strong as you feel. I keep telling myself I’m better than my ex, I deserve better, I’m successful, beautiful, and have so many friends and family members who truly care about me! I need to put my energy elsewhere and start recovering from a year and a half long battle with this sociopath… It’s still so hard for me to believe that I fell for a sociopath because he was never violent, got angry very quickly, but never sucked me dry financially but he emotionally abused me like crazy! I always termed him as someone who was a “commitment phobic” or just “emotionally unavailable” due to his past marriage ( he blames her for everything, now I wonder to the validity of it)…. I made those excuses and felt the more I give he will come around!
Instead he charmed me like no other man ever did… I was his soul mate! So he said….. Anyhow I always thought of myself as a stronger person and being able to see through charm like this, but it was diff than a typical guy coming up and telling you “hey, I think we are soul mates.” My ex had a manipulative demeanor to it all, very cunning; I was vulnerable, he exploited me and hooked me! In the beginning when he was pursuing me and I was trying to keep a distance he came right out and told me that he hooks everyone and once they are hooked they get really hooked …. I took that as egotistical but now I can see he is twisted and he meant what he said… ” They ALL get hooked”
Disgusting and poor excuse for man
DistressedGrandmother, if I could reach out and hug you tight, I would. {{{{HUGS}}}} Nothing is more painful or cruel than having children used as pawns and tools to inflict pain upon others except accepting that one’s own offspring is spath and beyond help.
You’re being dragged through these horrible experiences and court appearances simply because the spath(s) are able to do it. Both of these parents know that you would cut off your own right arm to be involved in your grandchildren, and this is JUST the thing that the spaths are gleefully anticipating.
Like a sugar-coated carrot, these children are being held in front of you for you to grasp at, and they’re being held just out of reach. And, the sad fact is that they always WILL be. No matter how many hearings there are, no matter how truthful you are under oath, and no matter how much these spath parents lie and harm their children, the Court isn’t interested. The Court wants this matter cleared from the docket and “all of you people” out of the courthouse. That’s it.
You cannot simply “put this all behind” yourself, because it is an emotionally ruinous series of experiences. You will never get your love for these children “out of (your) head,” because you love them, care about them, and want desperately to save them from their parents. Unfortunately, the parents are never, ever going to “play nice” and do what’s right for these children. This is a fact. It is a cruel fact, but it cannot be denied and it is irrefutable. They are BOTH “bad people.”
I do not want to come off as typing harsh, here, but you have the power and control to end this madness. If you aren’t currently involved in strong counseling therapy, I would strongly urge you to consider this option. A strong counseling therapist can help you sort out these feelings, reconcile them with the facts of this situation, and help you to learn how to love these children without allowing yourself to be dragged into drama/trauma.
You were wondering what the father meant by saying, “I hope she is getting her satisfaction?” Quite plainly, he is blaming you for dragging these children into court to testify. Just because he said that doesn’t make it a truth, DGrandma. But, what he’s doing is laying the groundwork for those innocent children to despise you.
There is a way to love these children without allowing the sociopathic parents to use YOUR love – your good intentions – to ruin their lives AND yours.
Brightest comforting blessings to you