Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
Hi, denbroncos007.
I think that the sociopaths simply can’t handle the work load. Your ex-bf gave money to a girl on the street. It is probably two things to explain such gestures. She just wasn’t a target of opportunity. He had you , and maybe others in his sights. But, at the same time, giving people money and other gifts can be a form of control. I think that sociopaths also need to maintain some sort of ‘cover’ if they are going to be able to operate successfully. I cannot count the number of times my ex-gf proclaimed how much sympathy and empathy she has for EVERYONE and ANYONE and, how she NEVER, NEVER, EVER cheats. I mean- it was riduculous. But, give me a little time and consideration for my thoughts and…FUGEDIBOUTIT! She would go ballistic at me: “You are needy and immature!”
MAJOR inconsistencies in this area!
Yep – things just didn’t add up.
Oh – please remember your work obligations. I know what it is like to get in a funk at work. It can cost you your job – and maybe more!
I was responsible for a safety plan at an industrial facility. The client got the draft…and the next day there was an explosion at their lab. I heard the news flash on the TV and radio.
I was lucky – that the area of the explosion was not exactly in the sector I was responsible for. But – all the same – I could have had the plans done sooner – were it not for THE KIND OF FUNK THAT YOU ARE IN.
You sound like an exceptional lady. Don’t throw it away because of the dinkweed. I know that it hurts to have someone you cherished being called that. BUt, you are better than him. You have a lot to offer!
Bronco, that’s what happens, they make themselves the center of our universe….just be there for her NOW and tell her how sorry you weren’t there before.
Good job for coming here when you feel like contacting him. NNO CONTACT. NONE, ZILCH, ZERO, ZIP, NEVER!!!! That will help you stay focused on YOU.
Sugar, you are stronger than you may think you are right now. The strength will come back one day at a time, just like my leg is getting stronger each day…each therapy I do helps, so progress….hang in there!
fixerupper – Great words of wisdom! Ha! Ha! Your ex told you that you were immature – Sounds all too familiar; I became immature and also needed too much attention. Whereas I actually started thinking I was being too needy but now know that my expectations were normal. The “dinkweed” (perfect name!) would tell me that me being at his house each weekend made him feel like he couldn’t do what he wanted to – aka what he really meant to say was by you being at the house every weekend, I am NOT able to keep up my charades with all these other women!
I hear you about the job – my job is stressful and I have a lot of obligations and need to get focused again; it’s just difficult to do right now. I can barely shut my brain off in the evenings to go to sleep these days….Guess that’s part of the healing process.
Talk about inconsistencies – when my ex’s stories were conflicting I would ask him about it, but would get into “trouble” – trouble meant him withdrawing and not talking to as much and pulling away. Then when he wasn’t “mad” anymore, he would slowly “allow” me near him and talk to me more – the guy would even withdraw from SEX, which I thought was odd all in itself and when I would ask him about it, he would tell me this is his personality, if i “f&&k” with him this is how he will react. “F&&king” with him consisted of me questioning or asking about something he said or did that made no sense – I would tell him that I was just asking and he would throw it back in my face and tell me “it’s your tone and the way you ask” — he said it was accusatory (it’s like this…if the shoe fits asshole)- So i started feeling as if I couldn’t say anything or tell him how I felt because he would treat me like “s&&t” – It is amazing I can remember one time he told me he was at Verizon inside the store getting an iPhone, yet I knew that he wasn’t actually at the store, he was actually on the phone with Verizon ordering his phone – there was clearly no reason to lie, however I think that lying about everything became a norm, even when he didn’t need to lie – yet I would always “catch” those little inconsistencies in my head — however, the big inconsistencies you can better your butt I confronted him with it —
You sound like you’re doing well and am hoping to see the light at the end of my tunnel in the near future – right now it’s darkness and I am looking for the light! 🙂
Denbronco,
from the stories you’ve told us, I would surmise that your spath was being kind to others, in front of you, JUST to make you feel bad. When he said that he couldn’t break up with his other women because he couldn’t hurt their feelings, he was messing with your head. It’s called a WTF? moment.
It makes no sense. My spath and my spath sister did similar things to me. I was in horrible pain for years from being poisoned. The spath sister knew. She would call me up with sob stories about someone she had just met who was suffering some illness and how much she wanted to help them and if maybe I could help them too… HELLO?
I’ve been sick for years and she never expressed that kind of empathy for me. wtf?
Spath had been cruel for years, near the end. One day he comes home telling me about the beautiful loving relationship of this couple that he met. He went on and on about their passion for each other. wtf? He wouldn’t even have sex with me unless I was pretending to be drugged up so 5 of his friends could get off on raping me. Consequently, I had chosen to be celibate for over 15 years!! WTF? was he talking about other people’s love for each other?
It’s what they do. They show us how other people get what we want, but we never will get that.
One morning, I’m having my first cup of joe and spath walks up, “Nobody will EVER want you!!” then he walks away. nice.
Spoon, did I catch that right? You’re a man?
My spath neighbor, the wiccan woman who was plotting with my spath to drive me to suicide, told me that she doesn’t let things bother her because she just imagines that she is watching tv and it’s not real.
It concerns me. Dr. Peck said that spaths deny reality.
My spath smoked for decades. He was also a drug dealer who was always using phone booths (before cells).
He wouldn’t quit, not even for his health or mine. One day I said, “I know where you make your phone calls because you leave cigarette butts all over. You are soooooo EASY to track.” That week, he quit smoking. Spaths are so easy to manipulate if you know how much they value their masks.
He said that his method for quitting was to convince himself that he loved the withdrawal symptoms. He said he flipped all the pain and turned it into pleasure.
This isn’t surprising, since he loved rot and decay, pain and torture. Anything filthy and abhorrent, attracted him. Obviously, he was very practiced at flipping his beliefs to avoid feeling pain, revulsion or disgust.
I don’t have the answers (I’m still in a lot of emotional pain), but I realized one thing when I learned about spaths. They are good for ONE thing: as an example of how not to be.
skylar:
Yippppeee!!!
Hey Louise! I ebayed another of my spath’s crap that he left in the shed. Made $100!
It doesn’t begin to touch what the mofo owes me but it’s nice to get rid of it and get money.
skylar
Sorry your still in a lot of pain. Not a fun place to be. But from the way I tend to look at things your alive. A good place to be. If I wake up then the day has started very well.
Yes I’m a men. Figured everyone knew this since my writing is a little instructional and not quite so how would you say touchy.
I’d say the spath don’t necessarily deny reality but has the ability to twist the hell out of it for their own benefit. I think they can see and understand what is happening but because the spaths slate is blank they can do with it what they want. Sort of like a guy who has brain damage and their short term memory is reset like Drew Berrymore was in the movie with Adam Sandler in Hawaii. But can do it at will. We feel then act. A spath has to act to feel. Since they don’t have the feeling mechanism they don’t have all the emotions that direct us. Take away guilt, shame, the ability to empathize and that opens up a lot. But they loss the ability to care, to love and to feel love. A very sad place to be. It don’t excuse their actions. But they live in hell their whole lives. The stuff they steal from others and the harm they do to me is like an addict. They get their fix but it last for a blink of an eye and they are always look for the next one. Never to be satisfied.
Well spaths prove what one can do if they are dogged and single minded. But that is about it.
Hope your pain free soon.
spoon
Spoon,
If reality has been twisted, actually turned 180°, then how is that NOT denying reality? Yes, I do agree they can see and understand what is happening. It doesn’t matter though because they choose to BELIEVE the opposite of what the evidence shows. wtf? Human being are easily capable of changing their beliefs, usually they will pick the ones that make them FEEL better. If I’m a loser but choose to believe I’m a winner, then I feel better. AND I don’t have to do anything to change because –why would I?
That is very well stated. You said, “We feel then act. A spath has to act to feel.” BINGO! Thank you for that. That explains so much. It explains why they go through so much trouble to create the productions that they do. They put up sets, gather actors and then it’s lights, camera, action! They create their beliefs by ACTING!
Of course their beliefs are as shallow as their feelings, so it doesn’t mean much, but that is the best they can do. Of course they are going to be dogged and single minded in producing a theatrical presentation. You would too, if that’s the only thing that would relieve the ennui.
You’ve given me another piece of the puzzle, thanks.
As far as my pain. I know the reality that caused it, but I’m sure there is something I’m denying, which perpetuates it. I just can’t seem to get past my own denial.
skylar:
Good for you! Keep getting rid of that crap and making bank…haha!!! 🙂