Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
Truthy, I have also done some inner child work, and I don’t think that identifying a wounded and neglected inner child in any way negates Karpman’s drama triangle theory as a viable tool for recovery….It isn’t really about assigning blame, although I admit that I did use the word, “blame” in my post, and yes, sometimes I find a need to assign blame, and when I do, I usually end up being the absolute victim, and spath ends up being the absolute villian…or….the other way around. Assigning blame does me no good.
My X did some really dastardly things, for sure. And I hate it for me.
But, I was born and bred to be a victim. I was (as my oldest and dearest friend, now deceased once said about 25 years ago) “Little Eva, cast out in the snow”…….it was what I was type-cast into….my favorite role……and being from a dysfunctionbal family, and having a shame-core, and being a wounded and neglected child, it came naturally.
I chose authoritative men, who responded to the victim in me….men that I thought would rescue me. They, eventually grew tired of their role in the drama, and would turn on me, becoming more like Snidely Whiplash.
Of course, trama bonds are real. There are absolutely psychological reasons they happen, and they are almost impossible to break. My point is this: real change requires accountability. I am not a child. I am not a victim. I cannot depend on another to take care of me without suffering dire consequences.
The drama triangle model works for me….I get it, and it explains a lot of the manifestations of PTSD, like cog-dis and self-blame, and guilt and shame, and WTF happened and how did I get here and such.
If it doesn’t work for you, that’s fine….I’m sure it’s not for everybody. I just thought I’d offer some food for thought. Some folks might get something out of it.
Hope you’re having a wonderful day, Truthy.
Kim, I identify with the triangulation, absolutely! I was rather focusing on the question of “blame,” because that always resonates with me, specifically.
I agree that the triangulation is absolutely real, and discussing the scenario of Dudley Doright, Snidely Whiplash, and Nell is a very identifiable example.
The exspath was SO adept at the machinations that I could perform all 3 roles in the span of 30 seconds, I think. Retrospect is always 20/20, and I wish that I had more time with my counselor to explore this approach, Kim. It makes very much sense to me, and can explain a LOT of the dynamics.
Brightest blessings
Kim, it’s interesting that you brought triangulation back up as a topic, right at this time. Lately, I’ve been really examining what MY roles in the marriage were, and how I reacted to certain situations and treatments.
I was chosen, primarily, for money. But, I also provided a cloak of respectability, and a “safe” mommy-figure. As the cash cow, I was always made to “feel” that the exspath had been strictly denied certain things – pets, higher education, interest in a specific sport, etc., and his version was that he was always denied these desires/wants/needs by strict and uncaring parents, particularly his mother. As the cloak of respectability goes, I brought social and cultural status, along with a rich family history – something that I didn’t realize that he coveted out of envy. He never, at any time, expressed pride in his father’s role as a provider, and only saw the man as weak, inferior, uneducated, ignorant, and dull. As the safe “mommy,” well that doesn’t even need description!
But, then, I would be rescuing the exspath from his tormented childhood and cruel mother, but taking on the Snidely Whiplash when I would indicate that something needed immediate attention: paying a bill, household maintenance, etc……when I would suggest that the lawn was needing a go, he would turn the tables on me to make me out to appear to be a “nag, just like (his) mother!” REALLY?
And, I’ll also say that I never once witnessed any of these family members EVER say, “I love you,” or, “I’m proud of you.” The mother would never fail to mention that the exspath was “….gettin’ fat.” She was ice-cold and cruel, and he openly voiced his disdain for her, frequently.
The triangulation is something that I’d like to read more discussion about. More importantly, I’d like to read more about what this is supposed to accomplish. Is it a self-protection? Is it a reaction to an emotional situation? Is it a manipulation?
Thanks for opening up this discussion.
I can’t get my husband to tell me the truth.. We have been fighting over this for over a year .. It started last year when I noticed he had lost a lot of weight .I said to him you better get to the doc.. so he did and they said he had diabetes..So that way he said he was losing all the weight But I don’t think that’s way he lost all the weight .. he has been cheating on me for over a year now . he came home on day from work and said someone at work was asking why he and another women was together all the time. I said to him it’s just work isn’t it .. Then I started thinking on how he was treating me .. didn’t want to be around me ,wouldn’t talk to me said mean thing to me when I asked him something.. was treating me very badly Would tell me it was work when he had to go somewhere at night like for Halloween party and it wasn’t .. Then when he came home he would say don’t ask anything about it.. A lot of things were going on.. I was always crying and all he would say is what’s wrong now .. I lost a lot of weight over this .. I would ask him if he was cheating on me and he would threaten me . I told him all I want is the truth and he still wouldn’t tell me..Then one day we were fighting over this and he said he kicked her to the curb and he could do the same to me .. Now he’s cheating on me with a 20 or 21 year old and he;s 47 ,he still will not tell me the truth about it.. There is a lot I could tell you but it would take to long .. I just want the truth.. I’ve been trying to catch him but I can’t seem to be in the right place .. I did confront her where she works and guess what he did .. she called him on her cell and he calls me and asked where are you and I said at home and he said are you sure .. so he went and talked to her .. he has her doing things to me you wouldn’t believe .. he tells her where we are going to be and she shows up.. I could go on and on .. I’m so sick of all this ,.. I just don’t say anything any more when she shows up or does things to upset me .. I just with I could hurt him as much as he has hurt me..Thanks for letting me vent …
brokenheart:
I think you have the truth. It’s staring you in the face, but I know you don’t want to see it. None of us do because it’s too painful. It sounds like he will never be faithful. Please don’t stay with him. He is abusing you. 🙁
brokenheart,
I’ll tell you how to hurt him the most. Disappear. Do it when you know he’ll be gone for a long time, then pack up all your things and disappear.
Make sure you plan it. Talk to a lawyer and get help with the divorce. Make sure he NEVER EVER SEES YOUR FACE AGAIN. Even through the divorce, refuse to see him. Have your attorney do all the interfacing.
Why will this hurt him? Because he enjoys hurting you and watching your hurt expressions. Take that away.
Brokenheart, I’m not sure of your situation….are you dependant on this man? Do you feel you have no way out, or that you can’t survive without him? I ask this because, I think you already know the truth, and probably have for a long time. You are still playing into his hands by asking him to validate your suspicions…it gives him control, and that is one thing he will never surrender. He will NEVER tell you the truth. Let me repeat that. He will NEVER tell you the truth. He will gas-light, blame-shift, use word-salad, he will deny, cajole accuse, confuse, but he will never give you closure. NEVER>
My advise is to get some help with this. Find a therapist, or maybe a 12 step group, and start working on yourself. Detach your emotional energy from this man, and put every ounce of it into your recovery. Empower yourself. Read as much as you can. Google Gas-lighting, narcissistic supply, idealize, devalue disgard. Sexual addiction….anything that comes to mind and educate yourself. Just let me add, YOU DO NOT NEED HIM TO TELL YOU….YOU ALREADY KNOW, AND I KNOW, AND I VALIDATE YOU.
Brokenheart, I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. Louise and Skylar are spot-on.
How many lies will it take to convince you that nothing that comes out of this man’s mouth is true? How many “other women” will it take before you’ve had enough of the drama/trauma? Have you gotten tested for STD’s, yet?
Confronting anyone at their workplace is a very, very, VERY big risk for being charged and arrested for stalking and harassment, regardless of whether you think the other woman is going to confirm what you already know to be true. The man is a liar, a cheat, and he’s delighted by your outbursts and confrontation of this woman at her workplace. If you were arrested for stalking, he would have the thrill of his lifetime, up to that point.
Absolutely, what Skylar has told you is true. Disappearing and never setting eyes on this man’s face would cause the most discomfort for him because, she is 100% spot-on: HE ENJOYS YOUR PAIN. Say it, aloud: HE ENJOYS SEEING YOU IN PAIN. It amuses and entertains him more than screwing other women does. The other women are just a means to create as much hurt for you to experience as possible.
Take control of your own life, your own reactions, your own choices and decisions, and AWAY from him.
Brightest blessings
Kim,
All the things you are describing have one thing in common: they are all roles we take on in the presence of other people. In other words, our behavior is influenced by and dependent on, the actions/words of others.
Strong boundaries help us stay consistent and not blow with the wind. On the other hand it is human nature to take on roles and to compare ourselves with others. I think that is what we do during our childhood, until we “gel” into our character and our boundaries become solidified.
Dear Brokeneart,
You way you want the “truth”—but you KNOW the truth, but you want HIM to admit it, is that correct?
So what will happen when he admits to you that he is having an affair with her?
Will he stop having the affair? continue the affair?
Will you leave? Stay?
It is an unfortunate thing but we have no control over what others do. We ONLY can control how we react to what they do.
Your marriage is in trouble, has been in trouble, and doesn’t sound like it is going to get any better even if he does admit to the affair. It doesn’t sound like he values you very much and that hurts when we love someone. There are a lot of supportive people here on this blog but YOU are the one who must SAVE YOURSELF from this situation. God bless.