Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
Dear Truth,
I am looking for a counselor. Not sure what “addressing” my molestation issues means. I have tried to act like it did not define me as a person. I raised both daughters to be strong, independent. Both have masters degrees. Then I went back for a masters in nursing. I was married to my xspath at the time I went back to school. He “said” he was supporting me but I think he was writhing with envy internally. I just ignored him and kept going in spite of his non-verbal disapproval. I do think working on my issues can’t hurt if for no other reason than to keep myself safe from any future spath encounters.
Behind Blue Eyes,
I think it was a page or two back,,, but you mentioned something about spath saying, “you are too intense for me” Oh how familiar that is to me. Whenever I honed in on a problem, tried to resolve an issue, (basically it meant spath might have to take some responsibility or be held accountable) He would abruptly get up, and say, “You are WAY too intense for me.” It was an exit, a way out. If he sensed I was spot on (which to him also means in control) he would just simply dismiss me. That often meant him claiming that I was TOO intense.
Rochelle,
I can relate to your story. When I had finally had enough, when I had pretty much hit self esteem bottom, when I essentially had almost no energy left to stand up for myself, I filed for divorce. I can’t begin to tell how I hoped for an email from him, a text message and the best – a phone call. However, the fights continued. A conversation would start out nice, even sweet and the very moment I dared to disagree he would feign anger (He knows that his anger used to scare me). I would do almost anything to not make him angry.
I WAS ADDICTED TO HIM. I put up with so much BS because I was addicted. I had some weird version of Stockholm Syndrome. I was addicted to my captor. – And yes, he did hold me captive as in a sort of prison. I wanted so bad to please him, it was pathetic.
I have been single now 3 years. I’m not even ready for a relationship yet. I’m still working on myself. This addiction is a very powerful thing. But I am no longer addicted. I have no contact now (BEST ADVICE) for a year and half. It’s the no contact that I finally started to heal.
I no longer expect to get closure. I no longer seek to understand him. As I read some where back on another posting, he is a potted plant or a light pole.
I am calling to start domestic abuse counseling in the morning. Please my fellow travelers, pray for me that I will find a true counselor, not somebody who needs therapy more than I do. I also did something today that was at first frightening but at the end of the day was empowering. My xspath has never been one to take very good care of himself. He smokes like a chimney and also just generally seems down on himself. Always depressed, hardly ever even wants to drink even water or simply take responsibility for himself, like haircuts, buying his own underwear etc. We were together for 8 years before I married him, under duress I might add, so relationship lasted a total of 12 years. He is the type of person who will meet some stranger and the next day they are the best of friends even though he really doesn’t even know the person. He has one “friend” that I know of. He gets all up in to people’s business very quickly. One guy that he did some handyman work with just suddenly quit talking to the xspath and quit returning his calls. At first this was a puzzle but now I know why. Hindsight is indeed 20/20. At any rate, after the divorce I kept the xspath on my hospitalization insurance. He never worked consistently during our relationship and to this day blames the recession for our failed marriage. I of course am to blame as well since I don’t understand the trials of someone who cannot find work since I am a nurse. So I kept the hospitalization during the on-again, off-again times that came after the divorce was final. For me I felt I had no choice but to divorce him. He gave me every indication that he would try to take half of my condo that I owned before he came along. Thank God for that recession because the mortgage is upside down and I won’t be able to sell for another few years at best! So then he breaks up with me again “because he doesn’t like living alone and I still keep the hospitalization which is costing me about 200.00 a month that he doesn’t pay. He develops a lot of dental problems and is now in the middle of using the insurance to pay for that. He has had about half of his teeth pulled, no molars left and was having jaw swelling and absesses. With that breakup I tell him that he either pays me the money or the insurance is gone. He has paid me for two months but today something says, “let him get his own insurance”! so I cancelled everything….medical, dental and vision. I will get that 200 and then some and not have to be further humiliated by providing him anything anymore. If he can treat me like this I think he can take care of his own health care issues. And no, I did not contact him. I figure the dentist will be sure to tell him at his next treatment that his insurance didn’t go through. With no contact he certainly can’t ask me about it and if he did I would not even respond. I was so worried about being a bitch to him but I am learning that it is ok for me to take care of me.
denbroncos007:
Many similarities in our experiences. I could not and still do not really understand the ‘liberality’ of the gift-giving from my ex-gf that happened so early. She didn’t have the money to give. She did some things for me that were stunning. When it happened I had to sit down with her and ask her if she knew what it meant to me, and for us, to be doing it. In one instance I refused. In all of these instances there was never an “I Love You,” “I care about you,” “I want us to work,” or any such verbalization. And this was followed by more controlling behaviour and criticism. What a mixed message!
As far as wanting to hear from the ex, I think that it comes from being confused by the mixed messages and the resulting cognitive dissonance that developed. If you are the curious and intellectual sort, you want to know what happened. You’re looking for an answer, an explanation.
Deep-down I still feel empathy and sympathy for my ex. I pray for her. But I cannot resolve or understand the cruelty, lies and manipulation and her inability to appreciate the impacts of her words and actions.
Recently I received a box from her containing some stuff I must’ve left at her place including a half-can of shaving cream, an old magazine and two old shirts. No note. This after 5 months since she broke with me.
honestkindgiver wrote:
“Whenever I honed in on a problem, tried to resolve an issue, (basically it meant spath might have to take some responsibility or be held accountable) He would abruptly get up, and say, “You are WAY too intense for me.” It was an exit, a way out. If he sensed I was spot on (which to him also means in control) he would just simply dismiss me. That often meant him claiming that I was TOO intense.”
This is excatly what I experienced with my ex-gf. Then she would change the subject and launch into a lecture about soemthing she said that I had done months and months earlier.
I am taking steps to reinforce the NO CONTACT rule. His email addresses are blocked. His phone number and the numbers of his family members are also blocked and deleted from my contacts. Removed and blocked from Facebook and LinkedIn. Deleted many pictures from my computer. Yes, if he really wanted to contact me, he would find a way, I’m sure. But I feel I am taking steps to protect myself and my emotions. I am not looking for closure because I know I will never find it.
fixerupper,
How strange to get your belongings 5 months after you split up. In my opinion it’s a game of some sort, in her mind she still wants to control you and perhaps thinks you will reach out to her.
Any sane person would have thrown the 1/2 full bottle of shaving cream away. I am glad I am in my 2nd week of no contact and I will admit each day things get easier, but because I am trying to understand what happened it makes it difficult for me to not want him to contact me in some fashion, if that makes any sense.
Denbroncos,
you will never understand what happened by contacting him. In fact you will get just the opposite, he will confuse you more. That’s what they do. That’s the purpose of their masks.
To understand what happened, you need to read about them and how their twisted little minds work. Then apply what you learn to what you’ve already experienced.
You’ll need to read a lot because different authors approach this from different angles. For example, some might say that the narcissist cheats because he has fear of intimacy, while another person will say it’s a game, etc…
By reading all the different perspectives, you’ll eventually start to see a pattern: The spaths need drama because without drama, they don’t feel alive. They’ve numbed their brains to avoid feeling and now the boredom from not being able to feel, is painful in itself.
Skylar,
You give a lot of good advice. Denbroncos, it is true. Seeking to understand will prolong your healing. Accept what is.
Fixerupper, the box of personal belongings was bait. It was to see if there could possibly any reaction from you. Reacting is contact. She didn’t really care that you got the items.
I have items I still run across that were his. Mostly I toss it, some I give to Goodwill or charity. Only if it is very personal, like a family picture do I give it to one of the kids to give him. I don’t want to break no contact. The more I think about it, I love no contact. I don’t want to give any indication that the door is open.
Recently his grandmother died and as a decent human being, I am tempted to send a sympathy card (as a normal human would) but I just think it’s probably better left alone. The gesture would be for ME not him.