Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
Louise,
You said “she is really independent, smart, pretty, etc.”I am not coincided in the very least. But I tend to think of myself as extremely independent – I never”depended” on my ex-spath, because i knew he was unavailable, but what I did do was stay with him, endured all his shenanigans becasue I so badly wanted to depend on him, but couldn’t – i was emotionally attached to him (aka addicted) but never did I expect him to be there for me or ask him to do anything for me – because i couldnt take any more “rejection” so to speak.
I am independent in that sense, I have a very lucrative career, make a very good living, and deep down I do feel I am “attractive” and it was the one thing that did drive my exspath crazy. I attend a lot of conferences and he always told me ” I dont know what you’re up to when you’re at the conferences, I dont know if you’re hooking up with a physicians” (I work in healthcare).The difference between my spath and I when it came down to making the other person feel secure was that I did make him feel secure because that was what I needed to do – that is what normal people do. I made sure that I called him, I didn’t put myself in any compromising positions (such as attend social drink fest functions that typically occur at conferences) because I wanted to make sure my ex spath was comfortable and felt secure. Yet he would NEVER EVER do that for me, instead tell me that he isn’t going to live his day trying to make me feel secure – IN any case, what i am trying to get at is that looks, being independent doesnt mean that you’re strong enough to know the “Red flags” – again, these spaths play on our vulnerabilities and that is how they hook us -My independence in some sense was still there, because I truly didnt give him all of me – thank goodness. I didn’t depend on him so when I did leave I knew I would make it on my own, didn’t need him for anything – yet I did need him emotionally and that is were i was weak.
Regardless of independence, my ex spath was still able to break me down enough for me to feel insecure, not confident in my own skin, i lost my identity, but these were all in the areas of my personal life. He never could break me down professionally becasue that is where i know I’m strong – and sometimes he would throw jabs at me like “I dont have the luxury of a “white collar” job where I can work 8-5″ or he would tell me that “maybe i needed to go be with a white collar man” and/or he would put down men who do hold white collar jobs – he would always tell me he is an “ALPHA” and white collar men can’t fix things, they are more “feminine” etc….In any case, what I am trying to get at is that being pretty, or independent doesnt mean that he hasn’t already broken down this woman – -trust me he will break her down –
Louise
As far as showy and smiley…they “like” that because they think it makes them look good. Kind of like a “trophy” wife. Mine went after receptionist types. Current one is a secretary. Wears dresses, heels, into fashion. A plus is she works at microsoft. From what I understand spaths have a tendency toward electronic gadgets. Mine did. Every new thing that came out he bought. He is very shallow and materialistic. I’m science minded and I get dirty for a living. I also have horses and other animals. I couldn’t care less about fashion and designers. He didn’t want anyone to know that. They will hang in for a long time depending on how much they are getting but, they are still disordered and making whoever they are with miserable. He was with his x wife and x fiance from 5-6 years each. They had a lot of the things he wanted but, he was still making them miserable. They both finally bailed.
darwinsmom:
I agree. I know I would have never gotten the closure, but I guess I feel in part it’s my fault. I guess that is what they are good at though…making us feel like we are always to blame.
You are so right. If he ever cared, he would give me closure. A person asking for closure of a “normal” relationship would most likely get it. He doesn’t want me to move on. He doesn’t want me, but I don’t think he wants anyone else to have me. He knows this will keep me in bondage.
kim:
Yes, acceptance IS the key and when the hell am I ever gonna get there? 🙂 UGGHHHH. It is taking forever!
skylar:
He is soooo personality disordered. He is something else.
Getting up and leaving my post! Hahahaha, too funny!! That’s what I did I guess!
Geez…it is so true. He wanted emotions from me and I just didn’t give them to him. And then much later when I did give them to him, it was too late. He had already “moved on” and wasn’t in the game anymore.
Yep, I think when I ignored him a year and a half ago, that really bruised his big ego and he slithered away. Yeah, lucky me. It doesn’t feel like it, but intellectually, I know it’s true. I do. I just have to get my head and my heart together and I will be OK.
denbroncos007:
Oh, I know…I was one of those women and he broke me down. He loves it. It has to be only a matter of time before he does it to her, too. The process has probably already started. She may not even realize what is going on if she is addicted to him just like every other woman has been. I can’t imagine one man having so much power. It really is sickening.
kmillercats:
Yep, trophy wives. They want someone who looks good, etc. His wife is not that attractive at all, but she was in the Olympics so she was extremely athletic and I know that was an attraction for him. Plus, I think her parents had money and he saw dollar signs. Now that I know him, I KNOW there had to be ulterior motives to marrying her especially when he is not “the marrying kind” so he says. But she had provided him with the facade…the family, etc. and she takes care of everything…the house, the kids, the finances (I think). He just has to work and bring home the money. And drink.
Hello skylar!
I read you from time to time; I know you know psychopathy well. I was sure you must have seem those eyes because there was no doubt your ex is a big psychopath, and all psychopaths show those horrible eyes when they can’t dominate.
Do you still read Girard? I’ve read The Scapegoat and I’ve only seen one explicit psychopath. Seems Girard treats more the subject of colective unconscious violence due to unconscious desires of imitation. Anyway it’s an interesting subject related to psychopathy because when these phenomenons appear it’s because somebody starts it, and most times, I’m sure, that somebody is a psychopath.
Ox, I haven’t read that book but I saw a video in which this same professor explains a bit this empathy subject. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq_nCTGSfWE
I’m sure much can be done to improve the personality of people with deficits in empathy, but psychopaths seem to be something more than just a lack of empathy. Nothing can be done with psychopaths because they’re not sick, they’re for sure an outrage of nature but they’re natural, nothing is made, their basic personality, their strange way of feeling, of perceiving the world is the same in all of them, they’re all basically identical because nature made them like that. A person, even maltreated, does not develop psychopathy. Will develop anxiety issues, fobias, etc, that is neurosis, but not psychopathy. Surely can even being reagent violent, but not calculating violent.
By the way, I’m not so sure they choose people high in empathy, they do it of course because people low in empathy would not tolerate their psychopathic stupidities. But there’s something more in the average victim. I think we all knew from the beginning, though this can not be apllied to you because you didn’t choose your p’s in your life, but as far as romantic partners is concerned, the prototipycal victim is somebody who is looking for strong emotions, somebody who is also, at that moment, feeling some kind of boredom and emptiness, and then the p appears with his ideas, his projects, etc, Because not everything is a priori negative in them; they can be enthusiastic at the beginning, enthusiasm they pass on their victims.
When they loss that enthusiasm towards the victim, the victim keeps on searching for more but that enthusiasm the psychopath is already applying it to another goal because he already learnt from the previous one everything he was able to.
The fault of the victim is usually the slowness acepting the reality of this fact, assimilate it and move on.
Concerning your son there’s reason to be scared because even if he didn’t want any revenge he would go to you for money because how the hell is he going to get money if he hasn’t worked in his life. He is not going now to look for any employment. They should not set him free. Maybe it is unfair but it would be be the most secure decision for everybody.
Truthspeak, I am sure you’re absolutely right, they need that adrenalin to feel alive So we should not hate somebody who is meeting important needs. We must ran and prevent others about their potencial dangerousness, but never fight with them or to try to change them.
Louise, you’re still obsessed with that yuppie creature from your job! 😀 That’s funny but really they’re not so special, in reality they’re primitive and simplistic. Though that’s what get our attention, I think, even kind of “admiration” because they’re like robots, they have no any sense of transcendence, which gives them an, we almost could say, enviable abiliy to use their freedom. The problem is that they use their mental freedom ability and creativity (because in their manners they are creative) to sort of destroy life.
Eva,
good link to Baron-Cohen. The video is like a synopsis of his book.
The MAO-A connection is particularly hopeful since it’s a test that can be done in childhood and might be considered a “red flag”.
Eva, why is it “unfair” to not release him? He got a LIFE SENTENCE for murdering a 17 year old girl in cold blood, planning it for days in advance.
He knew what he was doing was WRONG but he just did not CARE. He is proud of how he killed her in cold blood. PROUD of killing her like he did. He deserves to live in prison forever. Ii will do my best to keep him there. That is why I requested letters of protest to the parole board from Love Fraud bloggers. I hope that a FLOOD of letters will convince the board that if they DO let him out and he kills me that their political faces will have egg on their faces.
I think about Dr. Amy Castillo who BEGGED a judge not to let her x husband have unsupervised visits with her children because he had said he would kill them to get back at her and the judge did not listen, and her x husband KILLED HER CHILDREN. I have NO doubt that if he gets out, my son will try to kill me and I have no doubt that if he can find someone to try to kill me in the meantime he will send ANOTHER of his convict friends to try to kill me.
We (victims of psychopaths) may sound like “paranoid nut jobs” but WE KNOW what they are capable of.