Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
Thanks Moon Dancer! Just another living thing that loser made me feel guilty over….thank god pets, family, and true friends have unconditional love for us….
Thank you, Donna…..
Why are children and animals used in this way? Is it part of an act?
My pets were used in this way, and after he was long gone, my pets still remain with me. My pets were a part of my recovery and we now all live together without the dramas of our previous life. We have something he could never have lived up to – loyalty.
Although we all know that NC is the best way to getting over the s path, it is very important to be reminded. Thank you for this, Donna.
I fully appreciate the distinction between “wanting” and “being addicted to” the s path. I was addicted. Even though I was not happy in the relationship, I craved it. Even though I knew it was bad for me, I could not stay away. Only gradually and with a force of will and discipline was I able to wean myself away.
I also identify with “Rochelle”. Even now, after a significant period of no contact, I still find myself hoping the s path will write or contact me. There is still this hope inside that I saw it all wrong, that it was my fault, and that she will “come around” and appreciate me as a person rather than someone to be used. But I always remind myself that this is an illusion.
NC has been the only way to gain clarity and control. Every day I face the temptation to send her an email, but with each passing day the desire fades a little bit, and I am grateful for that.
Littlewings, animals and children are all part of the illusion that they want to create. When the exspath left, there were 9 cats and one dog. When he came to collect his personal belongings, he took one cat that he claimed was “his.” Fine. It was painful to let her go, but it was one less mouth to feed. And, considering that he didn’t provide food or medical care for “his” cat or the elderly dog that he claimed to have loved so very much, it was further confirmation that he only does what he thinks will benefit him.
Today, I have 4 cats. I found homes for four of the cats, one passed away at 26 years of age peacefully, and surrounded by all of us in his own home. Yesterday, I had to take one of the cats that the exspath found, brought home, and subsequently abandoned for emergency surgery that I obviously cannot afford. The clinic is willing to accept payments, thank goodness.
My personal belief is that spaths surround themselves with pets because it’s a desperate attempt to fill up the void of emotion in their own warped makeups. Animals provide acceptance, even of sociopaths. The exspath typically forgot to feed pets or clean litter boxes – those responsibilities were left up to me and he would whine and complain when he was asked to attend to the pets. The colleague’s girlfriend actually “forgot” to feed their dog for 4 days, in a row, and had the nerve to adopt ANOTHER dog. As much as children are precious to source targets, so are pets. In lieu of children, pets will always fill in nicely to act as “children” in spath entanglements. Eeeeeugh….
Brightest blessings
OFF TOPIC: Donna, I loved the photos! Was that a sugar-glider that I saw? Cute, cute, cute…..
Lebo, the feeling of having “gotten it all wrong” is simply cognitive dissonance. Because we wouldn’t deliberately target someone for our own personal gain and abandon them follows that anyone that we would care about and love would reciprocate. In The World Of Spath, the spath doesn’t respond as WE would, so we try to fit their behaviors and choices into OUR flawed systems of beliefs to make the truth less painful to process. Cog/diss is a given – it is recognized by the psych communities as a defined coping mechanism. And, it takes some serious work to sort out those flawed beliefs so that the cog/diss doesn’t create self-blame.
Brightest blessings
I needed to read this again too because I actually thought of wishing my ex a merry christmas, it’s the old addiction factor, I then told myself “do you really want to open that can of worms again cuz that’s what will happen” No I don’t I guess I just missed those miliseconds where I felt special and loved by another person even if I know now it’s not true!! Oxdriver Thank you for your Beautiful response, bringing even the smallest Joy back into my life helps and my “furbabies” keep me loved and busy so I don’t think of him, they helped save my life!! Elizabeth Barnett I too was coping with menapause and a spath relationship, I get what you mean about “moving fast” I was the same also, now things have to crawl at a snails pace, someone showed interest in me too and I totally freaked out and it sent me backwards, then I realized I don’t have to go out with this person or even talk/text more than I can handle, I am in charge of my life now!!!So many good responses here!!! Lovefraud played a HUGE part in my realization of the spath and helping me to cope and move on!! Thanks everyone here!!
Truthspeak,
It would be more understandable if the spaths had just targeted us for their own personal gain, but they didn’t. Instead, the aim was to destroy everything we had and leave us with nothing. It’s a malicious need to destroy wealth so that we can’t have it.
Funny that you said, your spath took one cat. My spath also asked if he could at least take one cat.
HA! No F—ing way! It only just occurred to me why he wanted her: For part of his mask.
Frandee, here’s wishing YOU a “Merry Christmas,” and TOWANDA for your recovery!
Skylar, you’re spot-on. I’m so farking broke that I can’t afford to pay attention, and I keep watching my woodpile shrink with no relief in sight to purchase another cord. But, guess what? I’m going to be okay, even if it huts!
The spath took the one cat that he turned from a sweet and loving feline into an irritable and annoyed cat. He used to torment her with his feet to make her “play,” and I would constantly tell him that nobody wants to have a cat target their feet as something to attack. “I’m just PLAYING with her!” he would respond, and I would counter, “No, you’re tormenting her and making her irritable. Use a cat toy to play with her.” Sure enough, every time he would walk past her, she’d launch herself at his ankle to “play.”
Similarly, he would startle the cat that he brought home. That poor cat is inbred and tends to be hyper in his reactions. I would nearly BEG him not to do this, and he would always respond with the same thing, “I’m just PLAYING with him.”
UGH……….I hope “his” cat shreds his eyelids in his sleep, some night!
Brightest blessings!
I say it all the time, mine took me to school on what can happen when you meet someone from the internet. Unknown to him, I knew him many years ago. I will move heaven and earth to keep him from my children. Period. Thanks Ross Wood for nothing.