Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
skylar:
Well, he won the game because I did pine until I almost died. He knows it.
He did keep me on a string, yes he did. For quite awhile.
I think there were a lot of things that drew me to him…he did think I was gorgeous (his words, not mine), my physical stature (I was his type), I actually look a little like his wife, innocence, quietness, astute, high esteem…he saw all of it and he wanted it. But after he got it, he didn’t want me anymore (despite telling me that it was the best ever…haha) and that hurts a lot. I’m swallowing hard as I right this. He took so much from me and that’s what he wanted to do. Why oh why did I let him in??
Yep, he finally gave up. Like we talked about before, I did try to go back and showed him all kind of emotions he could have fed from, but by then, it was too late. I think once he decided he was done with me, it was over. That “excitement” or whatever of the con wasn’t there anymore; I was old news.
Yes, they love their new toys, don’t they? 🙁
Louise,
he had a partial win because you are only human. He took your pearls and trampled them, that hurts, particularly when you were expecting to be cherished as he lead you to believe that he would.
But you made your escape and didn’t give him any more game, so I think you were the winner in the big picture.
In my mind the one who envies first is the loser. Just by definition, if they envy us, they see us as being superior and it drives them to want to destroy us. Short of killing us, they can’t actually destroy us except in our own minds. Rejecting you and all the beauty you had to offer is his way of making you question if you have that self-worth that you thought you had. My spath even told me I was arrogant (that means that I’m not as good as I think I am) . Another time he said, “No one will ever want you.”
Spaths will follow us around negating us, telling us we are wrong, telling us we are arrogant. And they slander us to anyone who will listen telling them the same thing. They hope that sooner or later, they can change our perception and our friends’ perceptions of us. They will even slander us to strangers who have never met us. In their minds, the more people who hate us, the more “true” their lies about us become.
In your situation, he didn’t SAY he rejected you, instead he acted it out by fooling around with your friend, OW. That is the ultimate betrayal and rejection. He showed you that, not only are you not as good as you thought, but even your friend wasn’t real. Well, IMO, you ARE as good and actually better than you thought. But the spaths do serve a very valuable function IMO: They reveal to us, who our friends REALLY are and who is actually a frienemy. He did you a huge favor that way.
That’s why I like to give them rope to do it some more. Actually, I’ve even told spaths that I will give them rope and they STILL take it and hang themselves. I consider that the eighth wonder of the world.
😆
skylar:
It does hurt because I thought I finally found what I was looking for nearly my whole life. But then to realize I had only thrown my pearls before swine. It was devastating.
You are right, he never verbally said he rejected me…never. He would never do that…give me closure. Tell me he was rejecting me…tell me it was over. But instead, he threw OW in my face and he knew that would hurt me because we were workmates and “friends.” I just thought of something he said. He said, “She always tried to be friends with you…I don’t get that.” I had forgotten he said that to me!
He did do me a huge favor because I did find out who my friends really were.
The eighth wonder of the world…haha…I LOVE it!! 🙂
Louise/Skylar/KatyDid –
This is a very interesting conversation. I do tend to agree with everything that has been said; my spath was NEVER violent and I honestly, don’t think he could ever be violent towards any woman, but he does have anger issues – big time!
I have read that NOT all spaths have the same “characteristics” but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they AREN’T a “spath.”
When KatyDid said, “I just wanted to caution you that just b/c one person makes a statement “THIS is what an spath is”, don’t take that as gospel b/c it’s NOT gospel” makes so much sense!
For example, after I left my ex spath, I knew something was wrong with him, but never once did I attribute any of his behavior to him being a sociopath. After all, not every single cheater is a spath and if they were, well then I guess that would make me a spath. Not every single selfish person is a spath either. So when my therapist explained to me that I wasn’t dealing with a “typical man”, instead I was dealing with a spath, I was floored. The simple fact that he showed no sense of empathy and had no conscience at all, coupled with a lot of other traits (not to be confused with behaviors) was a huge factor – add that to his outrageous behavior – not just a one time cheater or one lie (Instead continual) made him a likely person who “fits that spath profile.”
So after my therapist said this to me, I took it upon myself to educate myself about this mental disorder. After reading several books and mentally “reliving” the past year and a half with my spath (in my head), I realized he IS A SPATH.
My point being, I think it’s great “food for thought” that KatyDid mentioned in her post to learn more about this disorder. Even if you have to learn it on your own in order to determine if what you have been dealing with is a true spath or not vs simply relying on what an “outsider” looking in thinks you have been dealing with, then so be it — after all, only you know what really went on in the relationship. Right?
Louise
I remember when I thought my husband wouldn’t cheat, would never be unfaithful to me. I would have staked my life on it. COMPLETELY guaranteed my life on my belief that he would NOT be with another woman.
That is, the before days. Since then I have learned a lot. When someone is hiding who they are, our discernment is broken. It has to be because we can’t know what we aren’t aware of existing.
And the bottom line about spaths is that they have NO CONSCIENCE. So I was wrong about what my spath husband would do. B/c without a conscience, by definition, an spath would/could physically murder, if they chose. The capacity is there. If it is not, then he’s not spath. He’s just a mindfucking (my therapist’s term!) jerk.
denbroncos007
Great summary. After leaving my husband, my heart was so broken, my soul so torn and I needed relief. I needed answers what went wrong, why did I ruin the very relationship I wanted so much. It was a LONG process to the answer and I FOUGHT and argued what was right in front of my face b/c I didn’t want to believe it…. that he was sociopath. I mean, that’s such a strong, HORRIBLE, non-versible determination to make. But in the end, with that one word, sociopath, all the pieces fit. He was more than a jerk, he was more than a con, more than a swindler, more than a fraud. He murdered. I am pretty sure he murdered a woman, he’d say details and they sent shivers down my spine b/c he’d redo the murder with our cows, over and over. (did I mention he liked to re-do the things he enjoyed?) That was when I became terrified of him, that sickening in the pit of my stomach awareness of what he showed me he was….. worse than before when SO many times, he tried to kill me with “accidents”. It was when he longingly talked about the details of a murder that made me feel I was next. He did rationize that people ASKED for what was done to them, and I felt like if I stayed, it was giving him permission to murder me.
Like you said, we are the only ones who know what happened in our relationships, the words, the implications. Spath or no? Only we should decide if the pieces fit. From that determination, our healing can begin.
The spath used to tell me: “I would be crazy if I lose you. I would never meet anyone like you. I will never find anyone to love me like you do”.
He never said: “I will never find anyone to love like I love you” – that was only the first months when he was love bombing me.
He used to treat me like trash and if I didn’t accept it he just ignored me or went to other women. I thought that he had issues because of his bad childhood and I wanted to help him, so I was patient, trying to understand.
He said that his father had abandoned him when he was 15. While we were in the relationship his father appeared into his life again. I met a nice man who wanted to fix the relationship with his son. He tried to get close to the spath but every time the spath ignored him, just like he did with me.
When I asked him why he ignored me, his answer was:
“I do so because I feel so. I ignore even my own father. Don’t ever think that I don’t love you because of that. “.
I guess he did that because he had nothing to gain from me or his father anymore. He only gave his attention to those who mattered to him, his new playthings…
Before the spath I was sure that I would never fall for a man who would treat me bad. Every other relationship that I had they all treated me with love and respect, I wouldn’t let anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse me in any way. I still can’t understand what happened to me… Why did I let someone to treat me that way, why did I not left from the very first months of abuse…
It was like I was desperately trying to prove to myself that I deserved to be loved, that I was good enough for him to love me.
It hurts so much to realize that I was nothing but an object for him to use… I wake up with this thought everyday. His words, his grinding face every time he hurt me, the women he flirted, everything goes around on my head again and again…
It hurts to realize that the problem lies in myself and it scares me too. I know that if I was strong enough emotionally all that wouldn’t happen. I gave the permission to a spath to come into my life and destroy it. By showing him love I gave him the permission to think that I am stupid, naive, crazy, weak etc.
I feel embarrassed but I can’t do anything to change that now. All I can do is to try to heal my heart and not allow anyone to damage me again in the future.
kim
Hi, Thanks. Yes a bad situation for any 4 year old.
For me the key is it wasn’t about the 4 year old. It was about selfish emotionally stunted people that could only think of me..me..me.
All any of us can do is either let the circumstances define us or we can define the circumstances.
As a kid I: did nothing wrong, wasn’t responsible for what the adults did or didn’t do, wasn’t responsible for their up bring and failure to deal with their own issues. And that their actions did not and do not define me. It’s like waking up in a train wreck all we can do is deal with it at the time as best we can. See the event in a way that we can move on and live our lives.
Wisdom – not sure about that. But it has given me a different perspective on things.
Had a Wonderful Christmas. Hope you had the same.
Louise
Thanks for the HUGS. Can always use those. Bad luck? It made me realize that it was up to me if I was going to be able to move on or stay like them.
HUGS
skylar
Thanks. Wouldn’t wish it on any kid. Sad thing is there are a lot of kids that go through a whole lot worse then I did.
Many people can’t deal with it cause it messes with the order of their world. They need everything in its little box so they feel safe. And for many it brings up their own issues.
It has been interesting to watch the reaction of others over the years that hear it for the first time. From crying uncontrollable to just walking away.
Have a Wonderful Day.
spoon
spoon:
Absolutely. You were only a child and nothing your parents did was about you or what you did. You were innocent. It WAS all about them and their issues. It’s so easy for me to see this now that I am an adult (and an old one I might add!). I wish all children could see this.
Spoon, thanks for sharing your story. I too assumed you were a woman (most of us here are) Thanks for being here, we NEED more men here. There is a wide variety of folks here…and from all over the world, but unfortunately I think, probably 99+ % female.
I’m actually speechless at the horror of your early life…I can’t think of much more traumatic for a child to experience…or the difficulties you must have had in finding a therapist that “got it” about PTSD.
Many of us here have the symptoms of PTSD in one form or another, to one degree or another. Overcoming the worst of those symptoms is sometimes a great challenge and I am finding that I am NOT ever going to be “the same” Oxy I was before the aircraft crash and the attack on me by my son and the Trojan Horse he sent to kill me….it is all additive as well…but while I may never be “the same” that doesn’t mean I won’t be OK, just different.
Finding the “formula” that works for each of us, at different stages in the healing, is sometimes very difficult and that is why I think the *diversity* here at LF is SO good.
Thanks for sharing your backstory and glad you are here!