Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
sadme—GOOD start! Keep rolling with it. Like me, what you are addicted to….doesn’t exist. I have a grip on that now, and it’s a step in the right direction.
Best wishes and MUCH happiness
Denbronco
NO CONTACT! As Rochelle said to me ” Run like your hair was on fire” Seriously, he has cheated on you, from what you know, 4 times. I not a therapist, but if he makes you feel that you are crazy, that is a sign to get out.
Sociopaths refer to their ex’s as crazy. Shoot my ex, is now calling his wife, the one he left me for, crazy. He called all his exs crazy, including me. Get out, run! Don’t look back! Look forward to healing. He is an addiction, you need to break, don’t let him break you anymore.
Sadme
Rochelle,
it’s good to hear you are healing. It sounds as if this spath has been poisoning you emotionally, for decades. All sociopaths are serial killers. Some just do it slowly.
DenBroncos,
All spaths are also parasites. Even though your ex didn’t take your money, he was/is feeding on your emotions. This is how he gets his needs met. He manipulates and gets the rush of power he needs.
Sadme,
so good to hear from you again! Sorry you got another spath on the line, but I think you nailed it when you said that he only manipulates you for your business. My advice to you is to find another food supplier. You don’t need him. Research, research, research until you find a way to replace him. Then we’ll see how long he continues to love-bomb you. Not long, I’ll bet. Meanwhile: gray rock him.
DevineM,
Welcome, we do understand. Just know that you are better off without him, no matter how impoverished you are. Things can only get better.
David,
welcome to LF. You are so right, we need to fill the holes they left with a better class of people. Normal people.
Denbronco, of course it is possible (probable) for one to be a psychopath and NOT physically abuse someone or even rip them off for money…there are many psychopaths in HIGH CORNER OFFICES and in the military, politics, and business….
read donna’s book “red flags of love fraud” and learn, read here there are hundreds of articles that will educate you. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. WELCOME TO LOVE FRAUD.
Sadme
Thank you for the kind words. Basically I was someone who was always there and gave him sex, in return he would fix me dinner, take me to a movie maybe, I’d have to beg him for us to get away out of town for a weekend and he never would; he couldn’t cause of “work,” so I continued to sit there like a puppy waiting – forgiving all his cheating ways and in the end I get hurt… Worst of it all was when I would cry and ask him how could he do this to me, he would turn around and tell me “here you go again acting as a victim, Poor ole me.” I couldn’t understand and still don’t understand how he could say this to me when I was balling my eyes out and clearly in “pain.” The more upset I got the more withdrawn he became? He never gave me any emotional connection and towards the end I was always “afraid” to talk to him about my feelings because he would get so annoyed. I felt like I had to heal and deal with how I felt on my own…he would tell me it frustrates him to hear things over and over again expecting a different result , well I did want a diff result one that showed me he cared about my feelings & listened to me.
He never controlled me or told me I couldn’t hang out with my friends but that was probably more so because I stooped hanging out with my friends out of fear that if I did he would cheat on me because the last time I did hang out with my friends it’s exactly what I did…
I’m in therapy because I became co-dependent and emotionally generous and I don’t know why… I know I miss the “false image” he portrayed not this sociopath ..
And he would tell me that I was acting nutty and it’s because I am “broken” and cause I’ve always had trust issues which I have from a past relationship like ten years ago.. But he twisted it around and says he may have cheated but I never trusted him anyways because of my past… That in itself confused me so I was always and still am thinking am I really that broken or crazy?
I know it’s not me but deep down I feel like it is me…
Wow….this board sure flew, last night!
Denbroncos007, I was “emotionally generous,” codependent, and living with a shame-core that nearly swallowed me, alive. My counseling therapist saw this core issue in the second session after she asked some really “hard” questions, and I (at long last) responded truthfully. Once the shame-core was identified, she suggested that I explore my “inner child,” which I had always misidentified as the gleeful, joyful, and uninhibited part of myself. Well, surprise, surPRISE! My “inner child” was a cold, hungry, frightened, dirty, and abandoned human being that was in the mistaken belief that she was responsible for everyone else’s actions and choices – if something went wrong, it was HER fault because she didn’t “do something” to prevent it.
Being dismissed with the “silent treatment” or being stonewalled is 110% cruel. By not even responding or reacting, this simple act nullifies my very existence – I am not even worthy of a reply, snort, or grunt. And, whatever core issues that I already had were only compounded by this dismissal.
What the exspath did solely belongs to him. He made choices to exploit and defraud. Period. I am not responsible for his choices and actions, nor did I “deserve” this. BUT….what I have learned is that my own core issues were all the exspath needed to set up a long con of fraud, deceit, betrayal, and abandonment. Okie dokie. That is a fact that I didn’t like, one bit. But, it is a fact, nonetheless, and this site and strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it” about my experiences have REALLY been a factor in my survival, healing, and slow recovery.
“Feelings are not facts” was the first thing that my counselor taught me to remind myself of whenever I began to experience anxiety. That doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t REAL, but they are often not based upon facts – only predictions and expectations. And, the expectations are a direct result of a very flawed system of beliefs that I have chosen to alter. I’m not going to attempt to fit someone’s bad behaviors into my system of beliefs, anymore. I’ve experienced enough cognitive dissonance, thank you! LOL
It’s a long process, Denbroncos007. So, be patient with yourself and be fearless.
Bightest blessings
denbroncos007: It IS hard to believe that they never loved us. What incredible actors they are! It is a long process and I am still in it. Mine did not physically abuse me. He tortured me psychologically. And yes, the more upset I got, the more he withdrew. To this day, in a recent email, he tells me I am crazy (I skimmed it lightly and deleted it). Someone emailed him Donna’s article about me and that really set him off. He thinks spaths are serial killers. He tells me I am a stalker, and how ‘wonderful’ he was to me when I told him I had breast cancer. His view of things are very much distorted. I was his 4th wife—so what does that tell you? More and more, I am seeing him for what he really is—a very sick and dangerous person. Emotionally dangerous. The image I had of him…the person I thought he was…is beginning to fade. I am still working on this….I am trying to find the joy…..but I am still too angry. Read Donna’s books—the helped me so much. And it IS true—-knowledge IS power! Best wishes to you for a healthy recovery!
Rochelle, I’m so grateful that you are cancer-free, and I am HORRIBLY sorry that you had the experiences that you did.
The reason that it was hard for me to believe that the exspath never “loved” me was that my belief systems were flawed. I was under the mistaken belief that anyone that I loved and cared about would not do the things to me that he did. He wasn’t physically abusive, either. But, he was very, very cunning in his emotional setup and financial abuse.
My core beliefs have, throughout my lifetime, been flawed. There ARE “bad people” out there who are not in prison. There ARE “bad people” out there who deliberately inflict harm upon other people for their own gain and entertainment. There ARE people out there who do not deserve a second chance or benefit of the doubt. These are some of the core beliefs that were rudely, abruptly, and unceremoniously refuted by the second exspath.
Having typed that, it is possible (and, probably a good idea) to alter my beliefs according to truths and facts. What I “feel” is valid because feelings are real. But, I have to work hard to sort out “feelings” from “facts.” I don’t have to LIKE the facts, but once they’re out there, I clearly have a choice to either accept the facts and alter my beliefs (again), or deny the facts and remain vulnerable to harm (again).
Brightest blessings
Sadme;
I am a man, albeit a gay one. When it comes to sex, there are two types of men:
1) Getting it.
2) Looking for it.
If a man is not getting sex from you, he is either getting it somewhere else or looking for it from somebody else.
There is a type of sociopath that seeks legitimacy from one partner while seeking sex from others. Given your business success, you provide him legitimacy. You also mention he is a salesperson. Did you have an business dealings with him? Sadly, he could be simply out to use you financially.
There are also men, not necessarily sociopaths but still toxic, who suffer from the “Madonna-Whore” complex. For them, the integration of sex and love is impossible.
Trust me, I learned the hard way. As a gay man, when my relationship with the x-spath did not immediately devolve into sex, I was relieved and thought that for the first time, I was doing something right! Little did I know then…
Truthspeak/Rochelle
Thank you so much for your posts, they made me feel a little less anxious. Hearing your experiences and how you have coped so far is very soothing and I’m grateful. Like I mentioned it has only been a week 1/2 since I dumped him. I left his house with all my belongings and with my head high. I caught him in yet another lie and that set me over the top, I was so angry- typically what happens is I pack up my stuff while crying uncontrollably and he stands there and just watches me or leaves the room and starts cleaning the kitchen or something of all things. Then I, like an idiot walk over to him asking him if we can work to get past this… Thinking about all this clearly shows something is wrong with this picture.
I’ve always told him he has commitment issues yet he thinks, of course, that he doesn’t because he has had previous relationships and was once married for 26 years ( bad marriage, nothing but drama). So then I start thinking even more that he’s right & the issue is me. However, what I’ve learned is that he has cheated on all his past girlfriends, they just didn’t catch him & believed everything he said because he is very good at lying. How he sleeps at night is beyond me.
I remember I used to tell him that he was so attentive and there for me when we first met and now he’s so different- polar opposite. His reasoning was that happens in all relationships, you get to that settled point and comfortable with one another and is why things change. I can understand things like calling or texting so much tapering off but traits / characteristics like attentiveness, emotionally availability shouldn’t change but it did with him. I was always told I lived in fantasy land… So again my idea of a normal relationship became a question. I just kept giving because I felt the more I did maybe he would come around and be the man I used to know…. I became emotionally drained, unhappy, depressed but I kept going back because I “loved” him… I wonder now if it was even love I felt or he was an addiction.
I swear he played games with me too, telling me people always want what they can’t have. I haven’t heard from him and a part of me does wish he would text or something to show me he does or did care… I don’t think I’ll hear from him, while I was packing up he told me he too was sick of all the drama and that I belonged with someone who could give me what I deserved. He already has another narcisstic supply and is also why I won’t hear from him… Why I feel I need to or want him to reach out to me I have no idea. I’ve had a few texts written that I was going to send to him but didn’t… I don’t want to start this healing all over again and that’s what will happen if I reach out to him.
Right now I want my brain to stop thinking about him and what he’s doing. It’s consuming and I want it to stop 🙁