Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.
He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.
Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.
Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.
She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”
Scope of the question
The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.
So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.
Understand what happened
You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.
Here are some key concepts:
- Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
- The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
- There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
- The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.
Acceptance
Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.
You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.
Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.
Addictive relationship
In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.
The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.
If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.
Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..
Processing the pain
This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.
I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.
Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.
Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.
Let joy into your life
Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.
Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.
As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.
Louise;
Or at least looking. There is also the game of keeping one on hook for when all else fails…
These are the ones who typically change plans at the last minute…
Let me add as a Red Flag anyone who, even if making a good living, has an in-ordinate amount of free time, especially during the day.
BBE:
Oooooh, good point about making a good living yet having a lot of free time during the day. Yep, uh huh.
Oh, and if anyone is curious about double-lives and predatory practices, look no further than my x-spath:
I live in New York. He lives in London. Prior to me, the x-spath mentioned he dated somebody in Tel Aviv. From Facebook pictures back in the day, I was in denial but in retrospect, he obviously had a little fling with another flight attendant, this person lives in Paris. He also had another “friend” in Germany, as I learned from a dating website…
He did not once mention anyone from London, save for an “ex” from years back, that he no longer talks with. He is very active on International gay sites, but not UK-specific ones…
Clearly, he has a “dual” life and is hiding something in London…
I can’t believe people like this actually exist. How could I feel like I was the only one in his life and I felt this way because I was the one he was with every weekend, yet come to find out there were others?
He got sex, commitment, someone to come home to, someone who was compassionate, who was giving, he conformed to his life, all the while giving up all my needs and wants just to be with him…..I thought that the more I gave the more he would see what a “great” person I was and how lucky he was to have me in his life and he would have some epiphany and change. Instead it made him more devious – it was so strange, certain times of the year he would become withdrawn and closed off; I’m now starting to realize it was probably when he had a “new interest” —
What is so weird and I am hoping someone can explain this to me is that every time I asked him to cut off these relationships with other woman he would tell me he feels so bad hurting their feelings – and he hated hurting people. Yet I couldn’t fathom how he could continually hurt mine? Did he really feel bad about telling the other women that he couldnt see them anymore? Or was this just a ploy to make me think he was some “nice” man who really didn’t want to hurt people; yet I still couldn’t fathom how he hurt me.
I told him once to call one girl in front of me and to tell her it was over — he refused telling me he wasnt going to humiliate himself like that – I was floored thinking how selfish – humiliate yourself?!?!? Really?? What about me — and I made him choose and he chose himself over me in this situation…. he refused to call her and said he would call her, but on his own time and w/o me around.
I am still floored by all the hurtful things he said to me — yet I gave so much of myself to him. Sad to say I put him before my family and friends although he didn’t make me do this, but I was afraid if I didn’t I would lose him…..Now I see I can’t lose something i never really had.
BBE’s,
Laughing my rear off!!!! THAT is a classic 180, isn’t it? Some of us will never really get to see, that clearly, how much of what they say is 180 degrees the opposite of the truth.
Yours is an excellent example.
Here are a few 180’s I heard from exspath:
1. YOU are the destroyer of love!
2. YOU will flirt with anyone, even babies!
3. I’ve always wanted a relationship where I have their back, and they have mine.
Now that I am way out of the woods, these things actually make me laugh.
Slim
Slimone;
In retrospect, it is funny, but it also shows the level of his sickness. If he did not want to go home with me, there are 1000 other things he could have said, starting with “still don’t want to rush things…”
But come up with that line given what he said on a dating site is patently sociopathic.
denbroncos007
When I got back together with my spath, his daughter had just graduated high school. She sat on the sofa and watched the Disney channel all day. I helped her find a cosmetology school, got her enrolled, filled out her financial aid forms. I helped her get a part time job. I even took her to get her driver’s license. The poor kid has seen her father with countless women. She sees sex and love as being equal. He likes to brag on how he got custody of her. Not because the courts ordered it. Because he badgered his ex wife until she signed her over. Sociopaths historically do not make good parents. His situation was no exception. She’s a nice kid, polite, but clearly misguided. He needs her. He feels superior to her intellectually. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard her say, “I’m not stupid, Dad.” He would TREAT her like she was stupid. He was always sick. I would bring him dinner in bed. I worked full time, cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed. Since he has so many food allergies, I adapted his favorite recipes so he could eat them. Gluten free too. I would make him special bread and take it in a plastic bag to restaurants so he could do the olive oil dip thing. After he filed for divorce behind my back, we were living in separate ends of the house. One night, he knocked on my door and told me he had to go to the ER. I took him, stayed with him the entire time (I never left his side) and cooked his favorite dinner the next day. I felt since I was still his wife, that it was the right thing to do. Later, he threw it in my face, telling me I did it because I was looking for a larger divorce settlement. Yet, when I was in the hospital after very extensive breast cancer surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days, I called him to ask him to bring me something. He told me he could not help me because he was in a ‘new relationship’. Imagine…I am SO sick and in pain, with a million tubes running in and out of me, and he picked that moment to tell he was seeing someone. Inhuman and evil through and through.
The thing we have to remember, first and foremost, is that these people are inhuman. They have no heart, no soul, no empathy. But they can act like they do. It is not an easy concept to grasp.
Slimone; yes he could have said something else. But with his response, he was attempting to show his ‘superiority’. Typical sociopathic behavior.
I am still working on myself and my recovery. My number one priority right now is my health. I am blessed with an amazing job and kids. I know I will be fine. One day at a time.
Thank you ALL for posting comments. It helps more than I could ever say.
Rochelle,
I am so sorry that someone can be so cruel to you in the time of need. Here I am feeling sorry for myself because my ex tells me straight to my face as cold as one could be that “I dont think of you before or while I am cheating.” I could only imagine how it must have felt while you were in the hospital to hear such a cruel thing from a man who you took care of.
I did exactly like you did – I wasn’t married to this jerk-o but I did his laundry, (he cooked), cleaned his house, bought home decor things for his house, bought his grandkids gifts, always went out of my way for him but he could never go out of his way for me – He always had some “excuse” as to why he didn’t and/or why he felt he was going out of his way and trying — He always told me that nothing he does is good enough, which perplexed me even more because no matter what he felt he actually did, which was absolutely nothing, made me feel less of a person by each passing day.
I am just glad that I ended it and left him w/ my head high. I have accepted the fact that he is the one with the problems, but this experience has also helped me realize that I have some problems too – I should never have allowed a man to treat me this way and then become so dependent on his to where I give up my own identity. I know forgiveness is a part of the healing process, but i still wake up on days so pissed off at him, so I dont know if I can every truly forgive him or that I really ever need to forgive him – how could i possibly forgive inexcusable behavior?
Hang in there and thanks for posting – i think talking about things really helps…..
Denbroncos007, they do what they do because they CAN. Committment, love, compassion, kindness, support, encouragement, and physical intimacies are all qualities to be taken, abused, and crushed. That’s all.
We “forgive” because that’s what we were taught to do. Everyone “deserves” a second chance, etc.
As for demanding that he call one of his other women and end it in front of you, I can’t imagine that worked out well, from my own experiences. They just move on to the next target without a second thought about what their actions and choices are causing other people.
Having typed that, I certainly hope that you got tested for every STD known to man! I got tested and was very grateful that I was “negative.” In most states, if a spouse passes a STD to their partner, they are legally liable and can be sued in Civil Court.
Rochelle, precisely. They may walk around in the form of a human being and usher noises out of their mouths, but they cannot, will not, and can NEVER experience compassion, empathy, remorse, or even a remote sense of conscience.
They talk the talk, but their walk is all wonky.
Bringtest blessings
Slim, neato – that you’re at that place where you can laugh at the spath! Neato….
Brightest blessings