It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?
This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.
When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.
The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.
I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.
Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.
Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.
Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.
We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.
This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.
The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!
ErinBrock
Cookbooks are still up for grabs. They make great gifts….
Or- hood ornaments or- tire chalks or- snow scrapers or————— fire wood……
Yeah, that’s it…..a merry merry christmas morning firestarter!!!
(i’m bad).
one/joy_step_at_a_time
no, you’re GOOD!
you make me laugh A LOT.
ErinBrock
Cookbooks can also be used as weapons too huh?
Keep on laughing girl…..it really is the best medicine…..AND GREAT FOR BRAIN INJURIES!!!!!
struggling
I’ve been reading most of everyones posts trying to keep up and see that everyone is growing and that is just wonderful. I see that everyone is having a peaceful time! and boring!!! That really is a wonderful thing, I must say.
I had to turn over a bill to the P that is his but showed up here today…He wants to get together for sex. He said he was coming home sometime…he has some things to take care of first but then he is coming home. Stupidly, I bit, and said “really, well what if I have or do move on and get someone else?” He said, “well, I guess then that’s the chance I take.” I did tell him that he was not coming back. He still loves me, always has and always will. (his words, not mine). This has brought back so many bad memories, and so much pain.
I just walked away without responding to the sex or anything else, but it did make me cry, right in front of him which really upsets me to no end. I feel so low, so humiliated. I did not want to give him any emotion, but here I did and it’s just so stupid…that’s it, I feel stupid or pathetic, yeah, pathetic.
Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t ruined Christmas for me, I still remember what it’s all about and still look forward to morning with my children. We have had a very good evening and will have a great day tomorrow, but I do feel so sick in my gut.
Everyone got to open a present tonight and that was a thrill to watch them laugh and smile and talk and play.
I had bad words with my oldest’s dad a few days ago…he tried to put off his adult responsibilities on my son. Wanted me to say how wrong my son was and great that he is..don’t think so. He is the adult and he was wrong in blaming the boy and then he went so far as to hang up on my son when he ask him if he was coming to get him or not. But whatever…my son says he is never going to talk to him on the phone again, because this is not the first time that he has hung up on him.
I sure have known how to pick them in the past. But you know, I was ignoring that inner voice that I had once learned to trust and I sure hope that I can depend on myself to pay attention in the future and TRUST MYSELF!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Merry Christmas!
Stayingsane
Donna
This morning as I get ready to go to my sister’s for Christmas Dinner, pottering around I am now talking out loud to myself about the P (now I understand the wino’s and alcoholic homeless talking out loud to their ghosts) but I was saying out loud as I ran the shower ” I knew it” “I Knew it!!!”ha ha my thoughts constantly unravel, throw up new scenes from the past where is was plain as day something was off….people lie about loving me? what a bummer. Hard to come back from. How far back does it go ( I see clearly now and he wasnt the only one who lied about loving me)
Thing is I’m turning into cat woman, talking to myself, having full scale conversations…yes …with myself about the P…how can I transition into a dinner guest surrounded by a family who set me up in the first place?
Trust myself. That’s how. But I feel the need for the action that follows trusting mysellf…like standing up for myself even when outnumbered.
Happy Christmes to All at Lovefraud. Thank you for being there. There was nothing, no-body but a small thread leading me to here where all my fears were calmed and soothed. Where I could be myself shame and all
2010 has to be about Trust and right action or I will turn into another troubled soul shouting at her ghosts.
libelle
Dear Banana, happy birthday to you, and merry Christmas to all the LF-gang!
Trusting ourselves is really key, and hopefully we all will get there. It is very reassuring and helpful to come to this site for validation in times of doubt, and I would like to express my deepest gratitude and thankfulness to all of you!
Dear Stayingsane. Yes it is wonderful feeling the power of finding out what we really want and speaking for ourselves, isn’t it? I found out this year that observing and not acting on it right away but waiting for the reactions of the other and grasping the right moment to strike is more rewarding as I stay in power and do not let the other “read” me too easily. (read: acting on the good parts I have learned from the SNP in hindsight). I wish you a wonderful Christmas dinner!
pollyannanomore
Merry Christmas everyone! As I look back on the last few months I am astounded at the progress I have made by reading, learning and processing. I have made this progress because a hundred friends I have never met have held my hand each step of the way – have encouraged, affirmed my pain and given hope for the future – that has been such a gift and blessing. I know there will be rocky days ahead and tough days of hopelessness and tears, but those days are becoming less and less.
This was the first Christmas in a long time away from the P and although I dreaded it, it was actually pretty good. Santa was damned good to me this year so I guess I must be doing some things right finally! I actually bought myself a Christmas gift this year – Stalking the SOul – a book about emotional abuse and how it can destroy us. I have been reading snippets online for ages and dying to read the whole thing. So I decided to treat myself – it still hasnt arrived but will make a nice Chrissie present when it does.
Spirit40 – thanks for naming me specifically – that gave me such a sense of belonging!
Erin – I laughed about the jetski – have been reading about his left over property for ages so glad to see you followed through and in such a lovely way! Bet the kids are delighted by his ‘generosity’!
StayingSane – I thought the same as you – family members through their behaviour set me up for this fall with the P. But now I see they were also set up for the falls in their own lives – family dysfunction continues generation to generation. It stops with me though. If I have kids, I will just LOVE them and guide them to be their best selves – not what I failed to be myself.
Heavenbound the gift ritual sounds lovely – we used to do something similar in my family.
Oxy – hope you have festivised your skillet with some tinsel and bells for some CHristmas a** whipping!
Thankyou to my wonderful friends on LF – I appreciate your honesty, sharing, caring, compassion, humour, wit, practical help and LOVE. I don’t know how I would have coped without practically living at this site – I read most days from the archives and watch hopefully for new posts – maybe in the New Year we could have a post ‘Signs you’re addicted to LF’ lol Much love to you all – hope all your Christmas wishes come true and you have a healthy, joyous and SPN free festive season – you deserve it!
lostingrief
to all my brave, strong and incredibly caring brothers and sisters here on LF.
a S/P/N-FREE holiday season!
thank you for all your inspiration, help, hope and love.
peace to us all …
and
TOWANDA!
Spirit40
Merry Christmas all!!! on LF…. Polly you have helped me while here as so many others names of all I can recall, Oxy, Cat, EB , Matt, Henry, justabout,Rosa, gem, heaven, all and everyone.. Donna, Kathy… and all the authors and experts..I am truly blessed…to have a support of people who have been there… done that and dont want to wear the t-shirt…Oh and my son had so much fun with the two gifts I let him open last night… his x mas is and will be bright because he knows its not the amount , cost just the fact that I took the time to pick out items I knew he would enjoy with the little we have, each other.. a peaceful morning… and maybe some tennis later….
hens
Merry Good Morning to All – Yesterday and last nite was a record blizzard here in oklahoma. I woke up to sunshine, 14 inches of snow and 6 foot drifts. I am snowed in or under and cant get out, prolly for days. So xmas day is quite and beautiful here with my three weiners. I have bird feeders out every window. I can not describe the variety and number of birds, absolutly glorious. They land on my head and shoulders and fingers when I go out to re-fill the feeders.
Another xmas – P free…but I m fighting cabin fever. So I will continue to work on wallpapering my bathroom today. I hope my son will come get me later tonite in his 4 wheel drive – if he can make it and I will go to his house to spend xmas evening with him and his family. Merry Christmas – Happy Every Thing to all who come here…