Lovefraud recently received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Peggy Sue.”
I feel hopeless. I’m a target for sociopaths, or I’m addicted to them. My ex-fiancé was one. I was with him 7 years and was abused everyway possible. I was so confused with the lies and double life. He said I was crazy and I went on tons of medication and was completely isolated.
I finally was able to leave after 7 years with the help of police, only to move back to my dads with nothing and to start all over. A month later fell in love with another sociopath. My friends and family think I’m gonna end up dead by him or killing myself.
I have been to therapy they all just say move out and leave. I can’t that’s the problem. If I leave I always come back, like I’m addicted to sociopath men. If I finally get to the point of leaving, I just meet and love the next sociopathic man.
My life is passing me by. I’m depressed, lost, confused. Please help. Is there any hope for me?
Yes, Peggy Sue, you can turn this around. The key is to focus on your own healing.
Addiction and the brain
A few weeks ago, I explained why involvements with sociopaths are so addictive. The article includes a video of Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, explaining how romantic love affects the brain. You can read the article here:
Love addiction with a sociopath
Here’s another article written by Dr. Liane Leedom on the same topic:
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
Okay, so addiction to a sociopathic relationship is a known psychological phenomenon. It causes changes in the brain. It causes you to feel compelled to stay involved with destructive individuals.
To overcome this addiction, you need to focus on your own healing. Here are the steps to take.
1. No Contact
First, you need to break away from the current sociopath. That means no contact with him or her.
- No phone calls
- No text messages
- No emails
- No in-person meetings
- No visits to his or her Facebook page
Take all necessary steps to prevent the person from contacting you. Block phone calls and email. Don’t let anyone who knows the individual tell you what he or she is doing or saying.
Establishing No Contact can be difficult. Why? Because you’re addicted! So, just like anyone who is trying to break an addiction to smoking, drugs, alcohol or anything else, take it one day at a time. Promise yourself not to contact the person today, and get through the day. Do the same thing tomorrow. And the same thing the next day.
This advice assumes that you were in a dating relationship and you can walk away. You don’t have to have contact because of kids, working together, or some other unavoidable involvement. But even if you can’t totally block interaction, you need to strive for emotional No Contact. That means you want to get to the point that the person simply does not matter to you.
Just like an alcoholic trying to get off of booze, you need to stick with the program. I’ve heard from many Lovefraud readers who felt they were “strong enough” to interact with the sociopath, only to find that any contact sent them into a tailspin.
The longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll get. But if you break the No Contact rule, you may need to start rebuilding yourself all over again.
2. Do not date
If you are ending up with a succession of sociopaths, it means there is pain or vulnerability within you that attracts them. And of course you are wounded you’ve been involved with sociopaths!
So, for the time being, do not date. At all. Do not join an online dating site. Do not let a well-meaning friend fix you up. Do not go places where the primary activity is looking for someone to pick up. Give yourself a breather.
This does not mean you should isolate yourself. On the contrary, fill your life with family, friends and activities that you enjoy. Keep yourself busy. Earn a certificate or degree that will help your career. Do volunteer work. Fill your life with fun and supportive people—even if they aren’t dates.
3. Heal the vulnerabilities
The secret to finding a good relationship is to become whole and healthy yourself. This doesn’t just happen it requires effort on your part. I urge you to commit yourself to healing the vulnerabilities.
This means looking at your actual experiences, not sweeping them under the carpet. It means acknowledging that you were injured, and figuring out how to move past the injury.
You may need assistance to do this. Use whatever method works for you psychological counseling, self-help programs, prayer or meditation, peer groups such as Lovefraud. Just be sure that anyone you ask to help you understands what it’s like to be targeted by a sociopath, or at least believes you when you tell them what happened.
It can be scary and painful to face your experiences, but it’s worth it. The process may take time, because sociopaths don’t just cause one injury, they inflict a multitude of lies, manipulations and betrayals, and you’ll need to excavate many of them. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
The good news is that once you process your emotions and release them, you are free of them. In time, with the vulnerabilities healed, you’ll feel much more happy and peaceful. And your hard-won wisdom about the behavior of sociopaths, even if another one does show up there are so many of them in the world that it is certainly possible you’ll quickly spot him or her, and have the strength to get away quickly.
Focus on building a happy and joyful life for yourself, even if you are temporarily unattached to a partner. If you do, the right person will come along, and you’ll be ready.
Another great article! After healing and moving on, I find that in non intimate social contact, I can much more easily spot spaths. I actually chuckle now at how boring and self centered they sound in conversation… one even gloating about how he and this girl hit each other for “fun”… ummm really? Can I stick and L on your forehead please! However, in closer friendships I have difficulty determining if someone has just made a mistake or its a sign that danger looms bc there are intentions and agendas like those I missed with my ex. It causes me to judge with scrutiny. Will this pass, or this some new protective mechanism that will remain with me? Thx
Hi Not, Like yourself, I am ‘of a certain age’. I am going to turn around one of your statements: ‘unable to speak our truths even to those close family members ‘ to ‘they are unable/choose not to speak to us’.
I am not shifting blame here, just putting things in another perspective. We have all been through enough to last many lifetimes, but we can not accept sole responsibility.
The latespath needed lots of people to accomplish his evil. From my experience, the latespath could never have done what he did if not for the silence of others; some of the silence was simply fortuitous, luck of the draw, others were chosen because of their vow of silence.
In the beginning, we dated the spath because we made the choice to, before they did/said anything ‘strange’ at least from our view. How many of our families/friends met the ‘spath’ during those early days? I am going to say plenty. I am also going to venture a guess here and say a number of our families/friends, during those initial dates, said something disparaging about our date; especially if this was not their normal reaction.
My mother did just that. The first date I had with the latespath, was to see a movie in NYC that was highly recommended by a professor for a class, on a Sunday afternoon. I came home about 7pm and my mother said to me, ‘I don’t like his hair or jacket, he’s not the same boy’; end of conversation. My mother hated every guy’s clothes and hair in the 1970’s but she never told me why she thought he was not the same boy, how she saw that he changed (we knew each other as kids). Hinted that she ‘saw’ something, but no explanation.
I had the same type of experience with a lawyer the latespath worked with about 10 years later. I had gone to the latespath’s office to give him something and this other gentleman follows me into the hall where he tells me that he doesn’t like some of the things the latespath is doing, nor does he trust one of the guys that he is hanging around with. When I ask him for names and specifics he tells me he can’t and walks away.
After the latespath died, I contacted this other lawyer and he gave me a very detailed explanation. He was right on but unfortunately 22 years too late. He told me that he didn’t feel comfortable talking about this when the latespath was alive.
If people didn’t feel they could share their thoughts about the spath before major damage was done, how can we feel comfortable to confide in them after.
It’s not a matter of us looking foolish, it’s just that many times there are no comfortable, open, lines of communication.
Broad statements maybe easy for people to say, but they really don’t help the person they want to; sweeping words with no examples may actually backfire. If someones sees/feels something hinky about a person their friend, loved one, or acquaintance is ‘involved’ with, the best way to help is to illustrate why the person raises red flags.
How can we comfortably talk to people when in the past they didn’t feel at ease talking to us.
Hmmm, i don’t know about you, but i take NO responsibility, LOL! I was born stupid! And yes, my family did meet the exspath and nobody liked him. My nieces BF even old me that he was using me for a free ride, but i didn’t listen. The one person however that i do sort of have an ax to grind with is his ex wife, who i believe wanted me with him for the same reason he wanted me, because he got money from me for her. She had been living with him as a room mate, which made me figure that if he was a bad guy that she wouldn’t live with him for any reason and who would know him better than her. Now, that she really has less reason to dislike him than then, she says he is a sociopath and that he is dead in her eyes. She has hardly seen him since we married, but tells such a different tale now than then. Whatever her reason is, she doesn’t care to tell, so i’m out of luck getting answers out of her. But, for the most part, i blame him, he targeted me, not me him!
R
Hi Lost Everything,
I was referring to Hurt Terribly’s words, “this is the only place I can talk about this” (paraphrased). I agree with you that there were a few red flags from people who didn’t speak clearly enough for me understand what they meant. But really, I am agreeing with what I understand Hurt Terribly to say. For myself, people who can’t understand the depth of the manipulations are the same ones who say, “you were unhappy, you left him, now move on and quit dwelling on it.” or they say “it didn’t seem that bad to me, he didn’t hit you”.
So to you, I am pretty much saying, I understand your point and I agree with it, but I also understand Hurt Terribly and what I thought she was saying. I don’t blame others for not understanding, I hope they NEVER get into the situation where they have to understand! At the same time, it’s only here on LF that I can share and have others understand. And also where I can sympathize what others have endured, truly endured, b/c I KNOW, rather than merely imagine.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe
Sad about it, but grateful for the others whom don’t have to talk me into believing them, I am already there.
i had no idea what my husband was until after 13 years i suspected he was having an affair with a work colleague. he denied it of course,told me i was paranoid etc,and then i discovered he was having an affair with a prostitute in kenya[a yearly holiday] and he left and now lives there.over the next few weeks terrible things came out of his computer,hard core porn sites, swingers sites,dating sites,and pictures of his genitals over the internet idiot also posted his face as well so no mistaking who it was. i was absolutely devastated and then advised that i had an std. iam almost 60 years old and am about to lose my home as well so i have come onto this site to try and come to terms with my situation and not feel so isolated. he also made me move home miles away from my family and friends. i dont want to say much more at present cos i will be typing forever more.
e.osborne, there is a lot to be said for the truth, which is a concept your husband is unfamiliar with. The biggest thing is that it sets you free. As painful as it is to realize you’ve been duped, cheated on, lied to, and basically dragged through hell for many years of your life, eventually you will come to realize that (believe it or not) it was not personal. It was just a sociopath doing what he does, and you happened to be in his path. It does not mean you are bad or defective in any way. Rather the opposite, usually people who are drawn to sociopaths are very loving and empathic.
My interaction with the sociopath I knew was very brief compared to yours. But the part that angered me the most was being lied to and deceived. It was unfathomable to me that someone could and would lie so convincingly. That and the waste of time and energy it caused. But as soon as I realized it, I was out the door and never looked back. It took a while to recover because it took a year to turn him in to the army and make sure he was convicted of fraud and adultery (which he was – yay me!). But I have moved on and am very happy now. Five years later, he is nothing more than a fleeting memory. What I have carried away from the experience after recovering my trust and faith in humanity again, is the knowledge that they are out there and how to read the signs. I am much wiser now.
I personally lived as a prisoner for many years, with many years of conditioning. You may ask me “Hurt, how is this possible”? I would say to you, Why do so many battered women not cry out for help? They are conditioned to live in fear. From my experience fear was the primary motivator he used. I lived quite honestly, in fear of my life. There was violence physically, implied and real. His level of violence was so real, so frightening, so malovolent. And it was prefaced with a barrage of conditioning tactics. I never knew what that was, that it had a name, and symptoms, results, until I happened to find Lovefraud.
So I had to opposing tracks of thought running: what I was picking up in here and on the internet. I was the victim of a sociopath, a violent one, I would put that in almost the psychopath category, and a narcissist. As powerful as his tactics were, the desire in me, to find freedom and truth was equally as strong and growing. I had the seeds of truth planted in my brain, it took me that long to process and do something about it.
I didn’t speak to anyone save my daughter, until six months after Spath was long gone. One morning I got up, and couldn’t move. I remember feelings of intense fear, intense shame (this was my fault was the line of reasoning) and a deep horrible grief.
A wonderful therapist in my area saved my life. I think I mentioned before it took close to six months of therapy before I got over disassociation. I would speak of what happened as a passionless third party observer.
we all must understand that each of us comes to terms with, and we deal with what happened in our own unique way. Some can speak out right away and will tell anybody that listens, I applaud you for that ability.
The commonality is that we are all here because of what happened to us. So I am not offended in any way, but I have to really take a stand on identifying that the behavior mechanism in place that causes us to go silent, is a conditioning tactic, a very powerful one.
E osborne, you type away. I did for the first time just this past week.
Dear Hurt, in spite of what you have been through, you have such a positive, forward-thinking attitude. You may find this is your greatest asset in your recovery. Last summer I read Jaycee Dugard’s story about the 18 years in which she was imprisoned by a sociopath and kept as a sex slave. Though it was painful to read, I was so inspired by her attitude and willingness to live in the present moment. Life is so very precious and given to us to enjoy as best we can for the short time we are here. The more joy you can find, even in the briefest of moments, the more it will help pull you through the rest. Of course, it is also so important to honor whatever you are feeling.
You were enslaved for many years, but now YOU get to choose how you want to live your life. I’m very inspired by your story.
Thank you for saying so. Did you ever notice that when you experience a stretch of joy, and then something negative twirls in or life just doesn’t go your way for a while, you remember those pockets of joy and you know you’ll get there again!
Yes, that’s how it works for me too. I also notice that when I’m feeling calm, peaceful, and happy sometimes more pain will come up. At first I felt like I was sabotaging myself. But now I’ve come to realize that stuff comes up when I am strong enough to deal with it, and that’s usually after a period of calm. Nowadays, the thing that happens when I’m happy is that I go into fear suddenly. If I can be aware of the fear and the reason for it, I can usually process it and release it and raise my energy level again. It’s really hard sometimes to recognize and identify fear because……well……it’s scary.
e.osborn,
Welcome to Lovefraud!It may take time to be able to tell your story.I’ve had to tell mine in little bits n pieces,all over this board.The main thing is that you are now free to pursue your own life and put it back together.If you don’t feel up to doing much posting right now,then take advantage of articles in the archives,or else in the toolbar at the top of the page.
thanks for the support,its good to know that there are people who dont think im just bitter,who know what im going through and how hard it is to put a brave front on even when doing mundane things like shopping let alone going to work and trying to appear normal. i sometimes wonder if i will ever be normal again.
E.osborne….welcome to this site. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. We all understand having suffered through this ourselves. It will take time, but you will be normal again.
What these spaths do to us is inconceivable sometimes. Their thought process is so different and sick….it simply takes times to recover.
Keep posting.
Stay strong….
carolann
e I was really concerned about you losing your home. Went through struggling to keep this one for over two years, try any channel necessary, perhaps a refi, the reverse mortgage thing, I dont know what would help you but trying to find some creative solutions for you.
Thinking about you.
Hurt
again thanks for the support, what wonderful people you are,despite your pain you still find time for others. i just wanted to make an observation- since hes been gone i dont appear to lose my keys anymore!!!
e.osborne,
See,already your mind is starting to work as the confusion clears and the synapses connect,lol!
e.osborne – welcome to Lovefraud. I’m glad you found us, although I’m sorry it was necessary.
About the keys – maybe he was hiding them, trying to make you think you were going nuts. Sometimes they do that. It’s called gaslighting.
Imprisoned. I don’t think a word in the past 4 years has affected me as much. The latespath, my parents and myself. I had no idea what was happening or why and no one to tell me or help me.