By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Years ago I used to think that healing from an emotionally devastating experience, like tangling with a psychopath, was like recovering from a physical illness or injury. If you cut yourself, you put a band-aid on it and a few days later, the cut was “healed” and you didn’t need to work on it any more. Or if you got the flu, once you were over it, it was all done; you didn’t have to worry about it again. Or if you got the measles once, you could not get it ever again, because you were immune.
Now I realize that healing from an encounter with a psychopath is not like a simple cut that heals, never requiring any more care or even notice. It is also not like having the measles and becoming immune to that kind of disease. Having an encounter with one psychopath does not convey immunity to the rest you will encounter in your lifetime. It isn’t something that you “get over and never have to think about it again.” It changes you.
Tangling with a psychopath leaves serious emotional injuries that are not “healed” easily or quickly, never to be thought about again. Serious emotional healing is a continuing process that lasts a lifetime because emotional trauma literally causes the brain’s chemistry and structure to change.
Emotional wounds are different
Psychological and emotional wounds are wounds of a different kind. First, they are not “visible” to others. Also, others may have strong opinions about how long your emotional or mental wound should take to heal. In fact, society in general, and your friends in particular, may tell you that you should “be over that now, it was just a break up” and give you “medical advice” about emotional healing which they are not qualified to give you. Many times the wounds left by a psychopath need to be dealt with by a professional therapist who “gets it” about psychopaths! Just as you wouldn’t try to treat your own broken leg without professional medical help, or continue to limp around on it saying “oh, it will get better if I just give it time” we shouldn’t try to treat our own emotional wounds either. (This is coming from someone who tried to self-treat for way too long, but who finally got the help I needed.)
If you had an unhealed and grossly infected wound on your arm, I doubt that many people would try to give you advice on which antibiotic to take (though there are even a few of those people), but most people would recommend that you go to a physician for treatment. With emotional wounds, though, everyone is an expert and tells you to “just get over it.” I can’t see them saying the same thing about your festering cut on your arm or your broken leg.
Physical cuts do, with proper treatment, heal and scar over, never again requiring any care or work, but emotional “cuts” will always to some extent, require a continual maintenance, if nothing else. In addition, deep emotional wounds leave behind invasive memories.
Memory good and bad
Memory is a good thing in many, many ways, bringing back enjoyable experiences from the past, bringing back warm feelings when we think about loved ones who have passed away or the fun experiences we had when we were children or on a special vacation. Yet, memory can be a two-edged sword, also bringing back the unhappy memories of being abused, the emotional voids of being neglected as a child or the devaluation and discarding done to us by a psychopath. Sometimes these memories become “invasive” and intrude into our “today” and our “now” to the point that we can’t seem to think about anything else.
I don’t mean that we can never overcome the damage done to us or that the memories must always be invasive, but what I am trying to say is that we must continually work on keeping our emotional health healthy, that we must not let these unpleasant past events recur in our memories and minds to bring about emotional pain. We must also overcome the emotionally dysfunctional ways of coping that we learned to use in order to survive the abusive relationships previously in our lives, and learn newer and more functional ways to think and live in the present.
We must develop new tools, one of which is NO CONTACT with people who are dishonest, unkind, abusive, or in any way toxic to our wounded souls and spirits. I have found the “hard way” that some of these people are members of our families, people that we wanted close relationships with and people that we love(d). The truth is, though, that we can not allow anyone, no matter what the blood or other relationship is, to continually emotionally wound us. We must set boundaries. If boundaries don’t suffice to keep these people from acting in toxic ways to us, then we must cut them from our lives with NO CONTACT.
Peeling the onion
I’ve also realized that as I heal one level of dysfunction in my life and in the way I handle things, I find that there is another layer underneath that one that I should “improve” on. Al Anon calls this “peeling the onion.” I had picked up that phrase somewhere not knowing the origin, but a friend who is in Al Anon told me that she thought it came from there. I think it is a very good analogy, as it is to me like peeling an onion’s very thin layers, and when we get one layer peeled off we find—ANOTHER LAYER that needs to be worked on.
So, healing becomes for me a continuing process of self-improvement. I learned to set boundaries ”¦ so there is always practice to perfection on doing that and as I practice, I get better. There are self-esteem issues, and again, as I practice, I get better and feel better about myself. Each layer of the onion I peel and each improvement I make in myself gives me a new awareness of the next thing I need to work on in Joyce.
Acceptance and grief
As I focus on improving Joyce, I also realize that there is nothing I can do to improve the dysfunctional people who abused me ”¦ and I can’t do anything to change the past. So I must also start working on the acceptance of what was. I grieve the losses that go with my emotional injury. I work on coming to acceptance and peace with that loss, the way I have finally been able to accept the loss of my late husband and my late step-father, and the loss of the aspirations I had for my son Patrick, and the dreams I had for the relationship I wanted with my son C.
Some of the losses I have suffered due to the behavior of my psychopathic son, Patrick, weren’t losses of anything that was actually “real” and tactile. They were simply my dreams for my son, who is so bright and talented that he could have done or been anything he wanted to be. He was blessed with the smarts and intelligence to do or be anything! I guess it was selfish on my own part, because I wanted to say, “Oh, yes, my son Patrick, who invented the way to run cars on water, cured global warming, cured diabetes and cancers of all kinds”¦” so I could, in mock humility, be so proud of him! LOL
Of course my continued working on “healing” doesn’t take up my entire life or thoughts any more, but it makes the rest of my life more fulfilling and more fun because I am slowly eliminating the people and the behaviors that make my life difficult or painful. It is amazing just how much time I have now to do things that I enjoy, when I am not dealing with the drama and dysfunction of people who are not healthy, or people who are actively abusive. I have more time for the fun and enjoyable people and experiences, since my time and energy are not taken up by the drama of dealing with dysfunction.
Tired in body and mind
The cost of emotionally unhealthy relationships and unhealthy people is very expensive in terms of time and effort. Just as digging a ditch with a shovel will make your body tired and sore, emotionally “digging a ditch” in an encounter with a drama king or queen, or an abusive person, will also make your mind tired and sore as well. If you dig the ditch physically, when you come in the house and shower and sit down, you are not able to handle mental or emotional tasks; the body is so tired that the mind doesn’t work well either. The reverse is also true: If you are emotionally tired from dealing with dysfunctional situations, your body is also tired. There is no big dichotomy between body and mind. We are one!
We are well aware that emotional stress puts great strain on our bodies as well as our minds. So it is important for us to continually take care of both our emotional and physical health. Just as we wouldn’t go to the gym one time and work out and expect to have “abs of steel,” we would also not expect to read one book about psychopaths and expect that we would instantly be healed emotionally from an encounter with psychopaths.
Applying the knowledge
Knowledge is what we must acquire by study. Wisdom is the ability to use that knowledge to our benefit, which is acquired by reflection.
Learning about psychopaths, learning about ourselves and then applying that knowledge for our emotional and physical well being is a life-long process.
I’ve frequently said that the healing process starts out about “them” (the psychopaths) but ends up being about “us,” changing our thinking and behavior. I still think that is true, and when we start focusing more on us, and less on them, we are well on the way to growing and “healing,” but the road continues onward as long as we live.
While none of us would wish an experience with a psychopath on our worst enemy, and while it has been a painful process for us, it can be the impetus for us to go on to greater and better things.
God bless.
Hi All,
Thanks for the article Ox. Makes perfect sense.
Spoon, hey. Hope you are OK. You said,
“In most cases when we get into the healing process far enough we find out that though the spath was a problem they are not THE problem. This normally makes people mad when they first hear this. But after some time they start to see. It’s in the why one doesn’t run at the first few signs of problems. There is something that the person sees as value beyond the signs.”
Yeah, so true. I can remember reading “Women Who Love too Much,” and I felt so righteous about the first chapter or whatever. Then when Norwood got into “why” we love too much, I was furious. Haha. I didn’t read any further. I was so young and so sure I was perfectly loving and giving. G-d I was so selfish and self-involved and the expectations were plain old stupid.
I really believe that we must look at the reason why we accepted this abusive crap into our lives. Yes, as you said the path is a problem but not THE problem. Very well put.
I’m exhausted trying to find work and it’s beyond depressing because I know age-ism is killing me and there is not reversing that. I can’t take another group, counselor, etc. This job search thing has become a big business and it appears that these resume specialists, careeer coaches, networking group leaders, etc., are trying to stretch our your job search rather than help you find work. It’s so confounding to someone who has not job searched in many decades. Sure I understand tech has changed the entire situation but each time I go to another group or session or workshop or center, they decide my resume has to be yet again revised….Lord have Mercy. I am at my wit’s end. Doesn’t anyone care that I work was my life, my focus, my passion? Does this not make a great employee??? No, it doesn’t matter at all.
I read these books and have to put then down. The Power of Now. Hate it. Can’t focus on it. But happen Tolle had his epiphany. I’ve had no such epiphany.
This Trapped in the Mirror. I read some of it last night and it was all I could to not to off myself. I feel like a giant N now and that I have ruined my daughter because of it.
Should I even try Am I Good Enough?
And this thing about friends, Ox. I am unable to tell if a friend is truly toxic or not. I mean, sure, if it’s obvious, but is someone toxic because they are uber-irritatingly controlling but have a great sense of humor and very loving? Do I write someone off because they seem to diss me for another friend whenever that friend is available? Is this toxic because it makes me feel bad or is it me being some degree of insecure and selfish?
Do I write off Jane because she may get laid off and called me to find out exactly how much I’m paying for health insurance and when I told her, she sat right there on the phone with me and typed that info to another friend, Sher?
I did not want Sher to have that info because I don’t trust her and she is a manipulative bitch. I could have told Jane right then and there, “Wait, don’t share that with Sher!! I don’t want her to know anything about me or my finances.”
Do I have a right now to be angry with Jane??? I messed up because I let her go ahead and share it for a couple of reasons I won’t bore you with. Then I sent her an email stating that I do not ever want her to share anything about me with Sher, she should have asked me first, explained what she wanted and why. I know Jane is a good person and for some reason is in awe of Sher (who I suspect is N and possibly socio-I’ve suffered her injustices before and really don’t want her in my life) as are many people, including her managers! It’s uncanny, she gets away with murder…ever known people like that?
I also told Jane I felt used. I told her I cherished our friendship but in light of her and Sher still having jobs and my inability to find one (both of them are much younger than I) I am extra sensitive these days.
I mean, is she a friend I should discard? I think, btw, she has already discarded me. She just blew back at me that I was fine, she understood, she was having a bad day, etc. Have not heard a word from her. She is a bizarre person, to be honest, but a caring one. I don’t take friends lightly these days…don’t want to blow someone off and be alone like my mom did. And as all N’s do…see I am an N.
Well, I’ll end here a confused mess, way behind in my chores, and will end up rushing because we are taking my brother to dinner tonight for his birthday. No money to do it but it’s a special bday and I really, really want to.
Hope you all have a decent weekend. Prob going to have more storms and power outages tomorrow. Great. It’s been such a challenging week with the power and heat. Hope you all have not suffered.
StillReeling, hugs to you – the job searching is horrible for everyone, these days. Temp agencies might be a short-term solution, but I’m looking for work, myself, and none is to be had.
As far as “toxic” friends goes, I say this only about myself: if someone leaves me feeling tired, drained, confused, unbalanced, and uncentered, I DO NOT NEED THAT INFLUENCE in my life, whether I’m excusing their behaviors, tolerating them, or simply ignoring them. I need every ounce of energy that I can salvage for my own healing processes.
And, YES…..you DO have a right to be angry if someone shares YOUR financial information!!!! If Sher needed to ask about YOUR insurance information, then she could have done it, herself. Going through the “back door,” so to speak, is sneaky and reeks of manipulation! Your finances are NOBODY’S BUSINESS, not even people that you might believe are “good friends.” A “good friend” isn’t going to inquire about sensitive and personal information.
StillReeling, sometimes, we ingest too much information by too many different authors and it can really, REALLY muck up our personal ponds. I only associate what makes sense with myself with my healing.
What I have learned about myself is that I’m not obligated to be “nice” to everyone or allow any other human being to trample over me just because I was needy and wanted so desperately to be accepted, appreciated, approved-of, and loved. Oh, HAYELL no – not anymore.
Indeed, the exspaths and spath “friends” and business partners and coworkers all created damages. But, they created those damages because I allowed them past my non-existent boundaries to begin with. Today, I will not agree to tolerate anything that is going to jeopardize my well-being, on ANY level.
So….yeah….you DO have a right to be angry at Jane, but you also allowed her to trample your boundaries. So, don’t be hard on yourself, but try to examine how she was able to work her way around them, and then fortify those vulnerable spots. If it has to do with shame-core, then take that and dissect it. If it has to do with acceptance, do the same. Etc., etc…..
Sorry for the long response, but I’m learning that my former approach to Life and its numerous hitches was based entirely upon my emotional responses. “Feelings are not facts,” and that has become my personal mantra. Sure, I may “feel” a certain way, but that feeling(s) should not be my driving force, ever again.
Big hugs to you……..and a tall ice water!
Truth, hugs back. And don’t be sorry for the length of your response. First of all, have you checked out the average length of my resps??? Even when I try to keep them short, I guess there is so much pent up stuff in one small brain…or maybe my succinct button is on the fritz. Plus, your thoughts are welcomed, long, short, inbetween.
I hear you and I agree with what you’ve stated, basically simple. You do what you need to do to heal. I know that when I don’t KIS, I have issues…I’m prone to scatter so do need to remember to try and keep one thought going at a time. An overall goal of doing what feels right for my sanity might be a good way to funnel all this overwhelming crap. My only issue is whether I’ve done something for the wrong reasons (selfishness, narc, allaboutme-ism, jealousy, etc).
I know this sounds awful, but this circle of friends I see once in awhile from my last job, which include Jane, Sher (who moved away thankfully-she just added confusion and guilt to the pot) and 2-3 others are straight-arrow, very assertive, controlling kind of people. They are good people too. I am afraid that if I cast them aside, I will be alone when I need someone. I don’t feel comfortable actually calling upon any of them, save one, and she is hardly ever available. These are the kind of women who drive wait staff nuts in restaurants….while I mentally crawl under the table, each asks for round rather than square ice, an extra glass in case they want lemon in one water and not the other, can they mix two dishes into one?, please bring the tartar sauce on the side but a little of it under the larger piece of fish…on and on and on…and don’t even mention check time! Separate chex if there is a “from now on.”
Jane, btw, the last time we went out, actually w/out saying a word, grabbed my fork and asked the waitress to bring me a clean one as it had a particle of food on it. Honestly, I am a little phobic about certain germ-y type things but I don’t use anti-bacterial anything and a crumb on my fork did not bother me. I needed to say something to her. But I didn’t, so it’s on me. I suppose as I think about the worst that could have happened, she would have looked or been angry or sad. I can’t stand that. I think I’m afraid to be in that position.
OK, sorry, there is more I wanted to say about your very very informative and helpful post but my hub is back upstairs and I’ve been online for almost 3 hrs…I know, why is that HIS business? I give him hard times too though about watching the same movie over and over.
Will read your post again later, Truth, hang in, go for it and know you are a huge inspiration to me and all of us.
Thanls for this great arrtical, Oxy…so true.
I wanted to post the following link on gas-lighting and D and D, also much about the trauma bond, for those still aching for their abusers:
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome
Still reeling,
Think about the situation with Jane….has she really shown that she is a FRIEND or is she just an acquaintence, just someone to go have a drink with once in a while or go shopping?
A lot of the People we have in our lives are not necessarily “friends” by my definition of a “friend” but they are just someone to hang out with, play cards, or trade baby sitting with. A real “friend” in my definition is someone who if you call up in the middle of the night and ask them to come help you “bury a body” asks if you already have two shovels. LOL Seriously though, there are lots of people I hang out with and enjoy but they are not someone I would tell my deepest secrets to or loan them a significant amount of money or cancel my doctor’s appointment to go pick them up because their car stalled on the freeway.
So think about which category you put Jane and/or Sher in? If they are not in the REAL FRIEND list, then don’t worry too much about them. just hang out with them, play cards with them, but don’t sweat it if the “friendship” doesn’t run deeper or longer….and don’t ever tell them anything you wouldn’t want printed on tomorrow’s front page! (((hugs)))
Kimmie, thank you for that post, the first couple of paragraphs TOTALLY DESCRIBE the “summer of chaos” which I experienced with the gaslighting and lying from my egg donor.
Here is the first part of your link:
What is “Gaslighting”?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.
The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s mental equilibrium, self confidence, and self esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. Gaslighting involves the abuser to frequently and systematically withhold factual information from the victim, and replacing it with false information. Because of it’s subtly, this cunning Machiavellian behaviour is a deeply insidious set of manipulations that is difficult for anybody to work out, and with time it finally undermines the mental stability of the victim. That is why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the narcissistic victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head.
This is one of the best descriptions I have read of gaslighting and it totally describes the TORTURE techniques used on me and many other people. Though the psychopath probably hasn’t had training in these techniques somehow they know how to use them to get us into a state of “crazyness” that we cannot think or act rationally.
It is so IMPORTANT TO GO NO CONTACT so that you can regain your emotional and mental strength in order to THINK LOGICALLY and rationally.
Kim Thanks so much for this link!
Thank you for this beautifully written article, Oxy.
I am still trying to discern between the truly unhealthy and/or abusive people in my life and those who I might falsely feel are “out to get me”. Unfortunately it is a byproduct of CPTSD.
In particular, I have a friend with whom I have become very close to, but I find some of the things she does very manipulative and I see signs of narcissism in her. She claims to be a very giving person, but only gives so much and then expects you to pay her back some way. She also has used my weaknesses against me in arguments. She very much thinks of herself first and gets very defensive if you catch her on it. She comes off very sweet to everyone, but I can’t shake the feeling that she is very insincere about her emotions.
I run into a problem here because she has listened to my problems and has been there for me as I recover from my ex-spath. She tells me I’m like a sister to her and she loves me. She insists that she is being genuine.
I guess my question or thought is, am I just being over cautious and looking too closely at people’s motives because of all that I have learned about personality disorders? Perhaps I am being too hard on her and i should just accept her for who she is and not let every little thing affect me so much. I mean, no one is perfect and we all hurt each other from time to time. I have just had this gut feeling ever since meeting my friend that something is off. Can’t figure it out.
Any suggestions on how I should deal with my feelings going forward?
Thanks again!
Truth, meant to wish you good luck with your job hunt! Let us know how it goes for you.
Ox, thank you for the thoughtful comments. Agree with you and need to think about these particular “friends” a little more realistically. It’s prob true that they are not friends in the “bury a body together” sense, but for now, they are the closest I have to real friends. I am a one on one type of person so never sought myriads of friends. Had some really close and good ones when I was single but once I married and had a baby, we drifted apart. Still keep in touch but it’s certainly not the same.
I guess if I went singular, I’d probably have closer friends, if they’d have me that is. I have recently realized I am an extroverted introvert type of person. I come across very outgoing and it isn’t phony; I just don’t enjoy going out a lot or being in groups. Having a couple of really close friends and a great job has always been enough for me.
Your article rings so true in so many ways. Again, thx for sharing. ” If you are emotionally tired from dealing with dysfunctional situations, your body is also tired. There is no big dichotomy between body and mind. We are one!”
Yes, this is so true. That is why I do think friends are so important. I used to feel better when I was emotionally distraught just thinking about the fact that in 2 weeks I would see “Cindy.”
Aquaintances have their place too….I like warm fuzzies tho and never feel that way when with these ladies. I have to censor so much of what I’m thinking and feeling. No path discussions at all. They don’t entertain such notions. It’s mainly cat talk or what I heard on npr. Nothing against either, but I don’t find it very interesting or engaging. Me, I’d rather analyze a movie, book, article, behavior, etc. And laugh, I like to have a good time and be close. Laughter is good for that but I just don’t find something Margaret Thatcher said very funny. Sorry, guess my lack of intellect is showing.
Anyway, Ox, listen, best of luck with the Achilles surgery. I’m sure many have chimed in to tell their stories. I know that both my brother and my BIL had very successful surgeries. My brother is in his 60’s and still runs miles every day and my BIL is 50-something and still plays volleyball like a wild crazy kid 3-4x per week…so there you are!! Like you said, just do what the docs say and try to really baby it for as long as they tell you to. I prob wouldn’t but it’s foolish not to.
Thanks again and hugs back.
Incredibly helpful to read this today, as I needed to focus on someone other than myself! Every so often, I experience pangs of empathy for Nick’s parents. I remember what I didn’t understand at the time–the hopefulness in his mother’s countenance and voice, and the disdain evidenced by his father–and I wonder how much pain he has caused them over the years. I wonder what, if anything, they understand about their son and what it must be like to love a child that much who cannot love you back. I’m so sorry for your loss, from wherever those losses stem.
All best to you…
Kim, thank you so much for sharing the link. Wish I didn’t see myself so much in it – certainly a great eye-opener in addition to a reminder to always keep an eye on the big picture.