By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Years ago I used to think that healing from an emotionally devastating experience, like tangling with a psychopath, was like recovering from a physical illness or injury. If you cut yourself, you put a band-aid on it and a few days later, the cut was “healed” and you didn’t need to work on it any more. Or if you got the flu, once you were over it, it was all done; you didn’t have to worry about it again. Or if you got the measles once, you could not get it ever again, because you were immune.
Now I realize that healing from an encounter with a psychopath is not like a simple cut that heals, never requiring any more care or even notice. It is also not like having the measles and becoming immune to that kind of disease. Having an encounter with one psychopath does not convey immunity to the rest you will encounter in your lifetime. It isn’t something that you “get over and never have to think about it again.” It changes you.
Tangling with a psychopath leaves serious emotional injuries that are not “healed” easily or quickly, never to be thought about again. Serious emotional healing is a continuing process that lasts a lifetime because emotional trauma literally causes the brain’s chemistry and structure to change.
Emotional wounds are different
Psychological and emotional wounds are wounds of a different kind. First, they are not “visible” to others. Also, others may have strong opinions about how long your emotional or mental wound should take to heal. In fact, society in general, and your friends in particular, may tell you that you should “be over that now, it was just a break up” and give you “medical advice” about emotional healing which they are not qualified to give you. Many times the wounds left by a psychopath need to be dealt with by a professional therapist who “gets it” about psychopaths! Just as you wouldn’t try to treat your own broken leg without professional medical help, or continue to limp around on it saying “oh, it will get better if I just give it time” we shouldn’t try to treat our own emotional wounds either. (This is coming from someone who tried to self-treat for way too long, but who finally got the help I needed.)
If you had an unhealed and grossly infected wound on your arm, I doubt that many people would try to give you advice on which antibiotic to take (though there are even a few of those people), but most people would recommend that you go to a physician for treatment. With emotional wounds, though, everyone is an expert and tells you to “just get over it.” I can’t see them saying the same thing about your festering cut on your arm or your broken leg.
Physical cuts do, with proper treatment, heal and scar over, never again requiring any care or work, but emotional “cuts” will always to some extent, require a continual maintenance, if nothing else. In addition, deep emotional wounds leave behind invasive memories.
Memory good and bad
Memory is a good thing in many, many ways, bringing back enjoyable experiences from the past, bringing back warm feelings when we think about loved ones who have passed away or the fun experiences we had when we were children or on a special vacation. Yet, memory can be a two-edged sword, also bringing back the unhappy memories of being abused, the emotional voids of being neglected as a child or the devaluation and discarding done to us by a psychopath. Sometimes these memories become “invasive” and intrude into our “today” and our “now” to the point that we can’t seem to think about anything else.
I don’t mean that we can never overcome the damage done to us or that the memories must always be invasive, but what I am trying to say is that we must continually work on keeping our emotional health healthy, that we must not let these unpleasant past events recur in our memories and minds to bring about emotional pain. We must also overcome the emotionally dysfunctional ways of coping that we learned to use in order to survive the abusive relationships previously in our lives, and learn newer and more functional ways to think and live in the present.
We must develop new tools, one of which is NO CONTACT with people who are dishonest, unkind, abusive, or in any way toxic to our wounded souls and spirits. I have found the “hard way” that some of these people are members of our families, people that we wanted close relationships with and people that we love(d). The truth is, though, that we can not allow anyone, no matter what the blood or other relationship is, to continually emotionally wound us. We must set boundaries. If boundaries don’t suffice to keep these people from acting in toxic ways to us, then we must cut them from our lives with NO CONTACT.
Peeling the onion
I’ve also realized that as I heal one level of dysfunction in my life and in the way I handle things, I find that there is another layer underneath that one that I should “improve” on. Al Anon calls this “peeling the onion.” I had picked up that phrase somewhere not knowing the origin, but a friend who is in Al Anon told me that she thought it came from there. I think it is a very good analogy, as it is to me like peeling an onion’s very thin layers, and when we get one layer peeled off we find—ANOTHER LAYER that needs to be worked on.
So, healing becomes for me a continuing process of self-improvement. I learned to set boundaries ”¦ so there is always practice to perfection on doing that and as I practice, I get better. There are self-esteem issues, and again, as I practice, I get better and feel better about myself. Each layer of the onion I peel and each improvement I make in myself gives me a new awareness of the next thing I need to work on in Joyce.
Acceptance and grief
As I focus on improving Joyce, I also realize that there is nothing I can do to improve the dysfunctional people who abused me ”¦ and I can’t do anything to change the past. So I must also start working on the acceptance of what was. I grieve the losses that go with my emotional injury. I work on coming to acceptance and peace with that loss, the way I have finally been able to accept the loss of my late husband and my late step-father, and the loss of the aspirations I had for my son Patrick, and the dreams I had for the relationship I wanted with my son C.
Some of the losses I have suffered due to the behavior of my psychopathic son, Patrick, weren’t losses of anything that was actually “real” and tactile. They were simply my dreams for my son, who is so bright and talented that he could have done or been anything he wanted to be. He was blessed with the smarts and intelligence to do or be anything! I guess it was selfish on my own part, because I wanted to say, “Oh, yes, my son Patrick, who invented the way to run cars on water, cured global warming, cured diabetes and cancers of all kinds”¦” so I could, in mock humility, be so proud of him! LOL
Of course my continued working on “healing” doesn’t take up my entire life or thoughts any more, but it makes the rest of my life more fulfilling and more fun because I am slowly eliminating the people and the behaviors that make my life difficult or painful. It is amazing just how much time I have now to do things that I enjoy, when I am not dealing with the drama and dysfunction of people who are not healthy, or people who are actively abusive. I have more time for the fun and enjoyable people and experiences, since my time and energy are not taken up by the drama of dealing with dysfunction.
Tired in body and mind
The cost of emotionally unhealthy relationships and unhealthy people is very expensive in terms of time and effort. Just as digging a ditch with a shovel will make your body tired and sore, emotionally “digging a ditch” in an encounter with a drama king or queen, or an abusive person, will also make your mind tired and sore as well. If you dig the ditch physically, when you come in the house and shower and sit down, you are not able to handle mental or emotional tasks; the body is so tired that the mind doesn’t work well either. The reverse is also true: If you are emotionally tired from dealing with dysfunctional situations, your body is also tired. There is no big dichotomy between body and mind. We are one!
We are well aware that emotional stress puts great strain on our bodies as well as our minds. So it is important for us to continually take care of both our emotional and physical health. Just as we wouldn’t go to the gym one time and work out and expect to have “abs of steel,” we would also not expect to read one book about psychopaths and expect that we would instantly be healed emotionally from an encounter with psychopaths.
Applying the knowledge
Knowledge is what we must acquire by study. Wisdom is the ability to use that knowledge to our benefit, which is acquired by reflection.
Learning about psychopaths, learning about ourselves and then applying that knowledge for our emotional and physical well being is a life-long process.
I’ve frequently said that the healing process starts out about “them” (the psychopaths) but ends up being about “us,” changing our thinking and behavior. I still think that is true, and when we start focusing more on us, and less on them, we are well on the way to growing and “healing,” but the road continues onward as long as we live.
While none of us would wish an experience with a psychopath on our worst enemy, and while it has been a painful process for us, it can be the impetus for us to go on to greater and better things.
God bless.
Still Reeling,
You sound a bit upset. It saddens me that you feel that way. I wasn’t criticizing. I was just giving you my thoughts. I apologize if I came across as insensitive.
My guess is that many of us who have been victims of Ps are victims elsewhere in life. That was/is certainly true for me.
It took a lot of hard knocks in my life before I realized that most times when I was giving somebody the benefit of the doubt, they really didn’t deserve it. That being said, there is no easy way to tell who does or doesn’t deserve that benefit of the doubt.
I, too, used to wonder about, “Well, they did these good things as well so why am I being so hard on them?”
In the article about gaslighting, it describes how there are those who start right out with the gifts and kind behavior because they are parts of their ulterior plan; these are means to an end. Not everybody is like that. It certainly doesn’t sound to me that is where your friend, Jane, is coming from.
Not everybody who fails to recognize or honor boundaries is filled with gile and ulterior motives. However, they still do this and the damage still happens. If we do not want to get hurt, we need to protect ourselves. We can’t lock the proverbial barn doors after the horse (or elephant!) has been stolen.
It isn’t that we are meant to go through life mistrusting everybody. We need to be cautious and take care of ourselves.
Yesterday, when I tried to buy gas for my car, the pinpad wasn’t working correctly. I eventually went inside. The clerk said that I could leave my card with him and after I was finished filling the tank, I could go back in, he’d swipe it, and I could pay for the gas that way.
I reacted strongly. (This P stuff does change our perceptions of things!) I said, “No way am I leaving my card with anybody.”
Immediately, his face fell. He understood that I didn’t trust him. I felt badly that he felt badly, but he was a stranger.
I’m pretty certain that he understood my position because he next tried pre-paying on that pump with the card from his register, but it still wouldn’t process correctly. He turned the monitor around so I could see.
I understood that he was trying to be helpful, but that is not the motive of everybody telling you to leave your card with them. I bet he won’t make that offer again to anybody. I wasn’t nasty about anything. I was just taking care of myself in the circumstances.
I don’t think he had bad intentions. I honestly think he was simply trying to be helpful and he didn’t think before he spoke, but we don’t know nowadays.
Ultimately, I told him that I’d move the car to a different pump, which worked.
I understand that Jane might treat you to dinner and does so out of the goodness of her heart. I have encountered people like Jane in my life.
What I have learned is to ask myself how much am I willing to accept? I might remain friends with the Janes, but on my end, I would limit what I share with them. I am not willing to leave a card with a cashier for me to go outside and retrieve it after I have made a purchase – ever.
It behooves us to know what our priorities are. If, for example, my financial information is sacred, then I don’t share it with anybody or only enough with someone who truly needs to know the information.
We don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and none of us are perfect. People make mistakes, including us.
That comes from the “peeling the onion” process, e.g., learning what part is my responsibility vs. what part belongs to the other person. Or, learning what I need to guard vs. what I am willing to share with others.
I’m a very generous person. I used to be willing to give away the world just to prove (I thought) that I cared about others. That made me very vulnerable, which in turn meant that I was the one who got hurt. Nobody swooped in to fix it and make it right for me so I had to learn how to prevent the damage from happening in the first place.
Does any of this make sense?
Oxy, this is one of the best articles on personal recovery I have ever read, I think. If you can get through what you’ve been through, there is hope for the rest of us. I just had to cry the whole way through reading it! That’s what happens when you peel onions!!
Once people are dead and gone, like my mother, I think it’s easier to make peace with it. I know where she’s concerned, I sometimes miss her company, but on the whole, getting through the trauma of going no-contact with her got my grief over with. It’s frankly a relief not to have to deal with her dysfunction and drama anymore, and not to feel guilty for abandoning her. My sister and I can have honest conversations about exactly who she was, warts and all. She also had many good qualities along with her exasperating and abusive ones! We can acknowledge that. It helps.
It’s just now hitting me that I may never speak to my brother again, after I made a final attempt to get through to him, and was met with abuse and contempt! I didn’t think that was who he was for so long, most of my life! This took place a few months ago, but I find the loss of any future relationship with him, when I used to love him dearly, is just hitting me in the gut today. I am almost 56 years old, and he was born when i was 13, so I always felt motherly toward him. But there’s not a chink there I can possibly get into. I am just now feeling the emotional devastation of it. It is like a death, but on the other hand it’s so weird to think he is out there, living and breathing, and not caring about me whatsoever!
He’s stonewalled me, smear-campaigned me, and lied to other family members about me for the last four years. It’s just that the depth of it, the complete lack of empathy he has for me, his own flesh and blood, was pretty astounding to contemplate. You can make excuses for people for a long time, chalk things up to misunderstandings, or poor communication, or their own dysfunction, and you always want to give them that one last chance to make things right. I did that. I tried reaching out to him, and that’s when I was gifted with the full depth of his total lack of any human feelings for me. I have never ever done anything to hurt him. It just blindsides you, when you realize that none of that matters.
My mother was narcissistic and abusive, and all four children are messed up in one way or another. His father (he’s my half-brother) was a sociopath who abandoned him. He’s definitely narcissistic, and full of rage which he hides under a sweetly charming, outgoing and fun personality. So like my mother in that way!
I don’t know if he’s sociopathic, or just personality-disordered. Both my two younger siblings are borderline, I think – but extremely high-functioning. It has taken me a long time to figure that out, but their actions over time give them away.
My sister and I reminisce about how our mother was so loved by all of our friends when we were younger. She was always “the cool mom,” or their “second mom.” She was manipulative enough to never show her rage to those who could run away! That makes you wonder just how much consciousness and control a person like that has over their own behavior! It’s kind of fishy, isn’t it? She was the QUEEN of cold rage, the silent treatment, and stonewalling you if you made her angry. So I guess it’s not so surprising that’s what my siblings do. But she always knew when to stop at some point, she didn’t want the relationship to end. She wanted to make amends and get you back into her good graces at some point. She managed to have that one redeeming feature, although she was unable to apologize, or see how destructive her actions were. But apparently, my siblings are capable of banishing me without reconciliation. That I am their family means nothing to them.
When my sister contacted my brother a year ago, to let him know his mother was dying of lung cancer, and would not last long, he was en-route to a cruise vacation. He didn’t go see his mother one last time, he continued on with his vacation.
Who does that? I thought he adored his mother, at least some of the time! That definitely surprised me! Guess he wasn’t going to get anything out of it!
7 steps,
Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed the article and it helped you peel your onion.
Yes, finding out that people we love, ANY person we love, cares not a fig for us is devastating to say the least. It sounds like your brother has inherited the personality disorder of his father as well as your mother…and that is not uncommon, especially given that your mom raised him as well.
It HURTS to be “discarded” by people we want a relationship with, but that’s what this healing stuff is all about…we must heal from those wounds and go on and live good happy and peaceful and productive lives. We can’t live or die by who loves us or who doesn’t….we have to love ourselves.
I’m glad that you have been able to come to peace about your mother, I have with mine and it is so good to be NO contact with her I can’t believe how GOOD! Keep on working on your healing and growing…the best is yet to come!
I hear thunder for the first time in nearly 10 weeks! RAIN!!!! and we so need it. God is good!
“In most cases when we get into the healing process far enough we find out that though the spath was a problem they are not THE problem. This normally makes people mad when they first hear this. But after some time they start to see. It’s in the why one doesn’t run at the first few signs of problems. There is something that the person sees as value beyond the signs. Second if the spath was to disappear and never come back. No phone calls. No contact. Does the problems go away. Then it is in us.”
Dang, spoon,that just about says it all!!! I have done that so many times I couldn’t even count ’em! My biggest problem, was that i had no CLUE what the red flags were. I was so used to being treated that way, I didn’t know any better!
It’s taken 50 yeas for me to even start to recognize what’s abusive, and I am really working hard at it. But the constant anxiety and fear about people, the distrust, is not something I think I will ever get over. I just can’t trust anyone anymore.
7steps,
The thing we lose trust in MOST I think is in OURSELVES TO KEEP OURSELVES SAFE….but we must learn to trust US that we will be wise enough to keep our self safe. Just as learning to trust someone else takes time and experience, it does in learning to trust yuourself too. Give yourself some slack and give yourself some time. It will come. (((hugs)))
In reading the posts above it started making me do an evaluation of myself. Why was it so easy for my spath to get a strangle hold on me so quick.
Basically I am a hopeless romantic. At least I was years ago. I really think that mothers should never let their girls read Cinderella because it gives them the inpression of a Prince Charming that DOESN’T EXIST ANYWHERE. But I read it when I was a child and was always looking for my night in shining armor. The male infulances in my chilhood were all wonderful caring men. My grandfather especially. My father was a little standoffich by I always knew he loved me. What I hate about therapists is when they try and blame all your problems on your childhood. It makes but usually can figure out solutions. Except now.
I thought my move out of state and being close to my family and away from my spath would be the greatest thing I had done for myself in a longtime. I loved the song by America – A horse with no name. Especially the refrain:
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name,
It felt good to be out of the rain.
In the desert you can remember your name,
‘Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain.
And that’s where I am, in the desert and loving it. I was never so happy as when I moved. Little did I know what I was in for.
Somewhere along the way something in me let this man steal my soul. Breaking up with him was so easy, just a phone call. Bright skies everywhere. Then when he stopped contact I felt like I was drowing, no longer in my lovely desert.
One of my problems was always believing that there was a pill to cure anything. Ain’t no pill for this hell.
Have a lot of soul searching to do, layers of that onion to peel away. I’m kind of afraid of what I will find.
As far as friends, he took them all away from me. I broke contact with them shortly after moving in with him. There is one friend I contacted shortely before I moved and started up our relationship again. She is a nurse and had told me he was a sociopath when I first met him but I didn’t belive her and stopped tallking to her. Unfortunately she is kind of dingy. I don’t know how else to describe it. she’s a nice person but when I talked to her she always stressed me out because she had so many problems and I was working on my own. When I got here I only called her a few times and then stopped. When this happened I called her and apologized for not contacting her and she scolded me. That kind of made me mad because she had my number and didn’t call me. Anyway we are talking again but don’t know how long that will last.
Since I am in a new state I have not had time to make any new friends that I could share with so I keep blogging here.
Thanks for listening.
In doing my research I did come across this article that explained the changes to the brain when someone is rejected. Don’t know if this applies to what was spoken about here but I have included the link:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100706150611.htm
Thank you for your responses, Oxy, G1S, and Reluctant Shaman. I love that I can come on here and always get the support I need at any given time. It is so much appreciated.
I think that vigilance regarding the people in our lives is not a bad thing. I’m at a new awareness now about my boundaries. I recognize abusiveness more clearly now. And even though it is difficult for me to get real close to or trust others, I’m glad that I am listening to my gut.
As far as my friend or any other friends in my life, I think it’s alright to take things slow and be continually cautious. When I was younger I was much too trusting in EVERYONE. That is how so many abusive people came into my life, especially my ex-spath.
The only time I find I run into trouble is when my yearning for closeness to others becomes a little consuming. I am at a place where I’m alright not having a “bestie”. I like the idea of “running buddies” Oxy. That is really how I view most of my friendships and I like it that way.
I guess when I’m feeling insecure or sorry for myself that I don’t have a true “Best Friend” I need to remind myself that it’s alright and that my life is still good without one.
G1S-one thing I just hate about speaking online – ya can’t see the other person and their expressions, body language, smiles, etc. No, in no way was I upset when I wrote my comments – absolutely not. I would NEVER be upset with anyone who cared enough to respond so thoughtfully to my drivel!! The apology is mine…I’m sorry if I came across that way. Did not intend to..I guess I’m kind of passionate and intense about my little grain of sand life just like all the rest of us. We just all want to do the best with what we have. On the contrary, completely appreciate your first post and this one as well.
In fact, your latest post is right on I can barely stand it. I so appreciate you sharing these thoughts. I want to respond back but can’t do it with hub around. My concentration is not what it used to be and I don’t feel right getting angry with him every time I have a thought and he says something or makes noise! I will post a response later when I can actually respond sensibly.
I just wanted to let you know that I did not take offense in any way to anything you said first time around…..no way. You are a good person and it shines through in all your posts.
Later.
still reeling
Yes a whole lot more to it. Though it all can be distilled down to simple rules. And that is what we should strive for. Simple and clear rules for our boundaries. One part of our boundaries is what qualifies someone as a friend. What is a toxic person. Most of the rules we already know it’s just coming from the world like yours and mine. We learned not to listen to our heart. Same thing for those caught by a spath. The spaths prey if there long enough is in survival mode and has taken on the thought process of catering to the spath. Which is not listening to their own heart.
G1S wrote”“People who genuinely care about us do not hurt us.” They have it under control. They respect boundaries. They ask for permission. They think before they act.” I’d add they have empathy, admit their mistakes, seek forgiveness and try to right it if possible. They keep their word. And it’s nice if they can make us laugh at times. And don’t take themselves too seriously.
7stepstoheaven
Thanks
The trust thing starts with ourselves. We must own ourselves first. Then we can interact with the world around us from strength and not weakness. From want and not need[compulsion.] Most of this stuff in my mind starts with ourselves. Because every where you go there you are. And only you know what is best for you. We are our best advocate.
stormy
Correct. Prince Charming doesn’t exist. Just like there is no Cinderella.
“I’m kind of afraid of what I will find.” Anything that you find that is bad, ugly, destructive etc. . Be glad. In this search what’s there is there. Meaning it is in you and now that you found it, it can be removed, altered, overcome etc. Then it can never give you problems again.