By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Years ago I used to think that healing from an emotionally devastating experience, like tangling with a psychopath, was like recovering from a physical illness or injury. If you cut yourself, you put a band-aid on it and a few days later, the cut was “healed” and you didn’t need to work on it any more. Or if you got the flu, once you were over it, it was all done; you didn’t have to worry about it again. Or if you got the measles once, you could not get it ever again, because you were immune.
Now I realize that healing from an encounter with a psychopath is not like a simple cut that heals, never requiring any more care or even notice. It is also not like having the measles and becoming immune to that kind of disease. Having an encounter with one psychopath does not convey immunity to the rest you will encounter in your lifetime. It isn’t something that you “get over and never have to think about it again.” It changes you.
Tangling with a psychopath leaves serious emotional injuries that are not “healed” easily or quickly, never to be thought about again. Serious emotional healing is a continuing process that lasts a lifetime because emotional trauma literally causes the brain’s chemistry and structure to change.
Emotional wounds are different
Psychological and emotional wounds are wounds of a different kind. First, they are not “visible” to others. Also, others may have strong opinions about how long your emotional or mental wound should take to heal. In fact, society in general, and your friends in particular, may tell you that you should “be over that now, it was just a break up” and give you “medical advice” about emotional healing which they are not qualified to give you. Many times the wounds left by a psychopath need to be dealt with by a professional therapist who “gets it” about psychopaths! Just as you wouldn’t try to treat your own broken leg without professional medical help, or continue to limp around on it saying “oh, it will get better if I just give it time” we shouldn’t try to treat our own emotional wounds either. (This is coming from someone who tried to self-treat for way too long, but who finally got the help I needed.)
If you had an unhealed and grossly infected wound on your arm, I doubt that many people would try to give you advice on which antibiotic to take (though there are even a few of those people), but most people would recommend that you go to a physician for treatment. With emotional wounds, though, everyone is an expert and tells you to “just get over it.” I can’t see them saying the same thing about your festering cut on your arm or your broken leg.
Physical cuts do, with proper treatment, heal and scar over, never again requiring any care or work, but emotional “cuts” will always to some extent, require a continual maintenance, if nothing else. In addition, deep emotional wounds leave behind invasive memories.
Memory good and bad
Memory is a good thing in many, many ways, bringing back enjoyable experiences from the past, bringing back warm feelings when we think about loved ones who have passed away or the fun experiences we had when we were children or on a special vacation. Yet, memory can be a two-edged sword, also bringing back the unhappy memories of being abused, the emotional voids of being neglected as a child or the devaluation and discarding done to us by a psychopath. Sometimes these memories become “invasive” and intrude into our “today” and our “now” to the point that we can’t seem to think about anything else.
I don’t mean that we can never overcome the damage done to us or that the memories must always be invasive, but what I am trying to say is that we must continually work on keeping our emotional health healthy, that we must not let these unpleasant past events recur in our memories and minds to bring about emotional pain. We must also overcome the emotionally dysfunctional ways of coping that we learned to use in order to survive the abusive relationships previously in our lives, and learn newer and more functional ways to think and live in the present.
We must develop new tools, one of which is NO CONTACT with people who are dishonest, unkind, abusive, or in any way toxic to our wounded souls and spirits. I have found the “hard way” that some of these people are members of our families, people that we wanted close relationships with and people that we love(d). The truth is, though, that we can not allow anyone, no matter what the blood or other relationship is, to continually emotionally wound us. We must set boundaries. If boundaries don’t suffice to keep these people from acting in toxic ways to us, then we must cut them from our lives with NO CONTACT.
Peeling the onion
I’ve also realized that as I heal one level of dysfunction in my life and in the way I handle things, I find that there is another layer underneath that one that I should “improve” on. Al Anon calls this “peeling the onion.” I had picked up that phrase somewhere not knowing the origin, but a friend who is in Al Anon told me that she thought it came from there. I think it is a very good analogy, as it is to me like peeling an onion’s very thin layers, and when we get one layer peeled off we find—ANOTHER LAYER that needs to be worked on.
So, healing becomes for me a continuing process of self-improvement. I learned to set boundaries ”¦ so there is always practice to perfection on doing that and as I practice, I get better. There are self-esteem issues, and again, as I practice, I get better and feel better about myself. Each layer of the onion I peel and each improvement I make in myself gives me a new awareness of the next thing I need to work on in Joyce.
Acceptance and grief
As I focus on improving Joyce, I also realize that there is nothing I can do to improve the dysfunctional people who abused me ”¦ and I can’t do anything to change the past. So I must also start working on the acceptance of what was. I grieve the losses that go with my emotional injury. I work on coming to acceptance and peace with that loss, the way I have finally been able to accept the loss of my late husband and my late step-father, and the loss of the aspirations I had for my son Patrick, and the dreams I had for the relationship I wanted with my son C.
Some of the losses I have suffered due to the behavior of my psychopathic son, Patrick, weren’t losses of anything that was actually “real” and tactile. They were simply my dreams for my son, who is so bright and talented that he could have done or been anything he wanted to be. He was blessed with the smarts and intelligence to do or be anything! I guess it was selfish on my own part, because I wanted to say, “Oh, yes, my son Patrick, who invented the way to run cars on water, cured global warming, cured diabetes and cancers of all kinds”¦” so I could, in mock humility, be so proud of him! LOL
Of course my continued working on “healing” doesn’t take up my entire life or thoughts any more, but it makes the rest of my life more fulfilling and more fun because I am slowly eliminating the people and the behaviors that make my life difficult or painful. It is amazing just how much time I have now to do things that I enjoy, when I am not dealing with the drama and dysfunction of people who are not healthy, or people who are actively abusive. I have more time for the fun and enjoyable people and experiences, since my time and energy are not taken up by the drama of dealing with dysfunction.
Tired in body and mind
The cost of emotionally unhealthy relationships and unhealthy people is very expensive in terms of time and effort. Just as digging a ditch with a shovel will make your body tired and sore, emotionally “digging a ditch” in an encounter with a drama king or queen, or an abusive person, will also make your mind tired and sore as well. If you dig the ditch physically, when you come in the house and shower and sit down, you are not able to handle mental or emotional tasks; the body is so tired that the mind doesn’t work well either. The reverse is also true: If you are emotionally tired from dealing with dysfunctional situations, your body is also tired. There is no big dichotomy between body and mind. We are one!
We are well aware that emotional stress puts great strain on our bodies as well as our minds. So it is important for us to continually take care of both our emotional and physical health. Just as we wouldn’t go to the gym one time and work out and expect to have “abs of steel,” we would also not expect to read one book about psychopaths and expect that we would instantly be healed emotionally from an encounter with psychopaths.
Applying the knowledge
Knowledge is what we must acquire by study. Wisdom is the ability to use that knowledge to our benefit, which is acquired by reflection.
Learning about psychopaths, learning about ourselves and then applying that knowledge for our emotional and physical well being is a life-long process.
I’ve frequently said that the healing process starts out about “them” (the psychopaths) but ends up being about “us,” changing our thinking and behavior. I still think that is true, and when we start focusing more on us, and less on them, we are well on the way to growing and “healing,” but the road continues onward as long as we live.
While none of us would wish an experience with a psychopath on our worst enemy, and while it has been a painful process for us, it can be the impetus for us to go on to greater and better things.
God bless.
Grace, there are mugs in craft stores that are blank and you can decorate them yourself, so if you liked that mug, make one for yourself! That’s what I love about Hobby Lobby! Lots of stuff to make if you are so inclined.
Good AM,
I did not see these posts from you D.Mom and you Spoon until after I had commented once again yesterday. I agree with you Spoon, that we need to try and listen to our heart re: friends. For me, it *has* to be the gut as the heart tends to lead me astray. Well, that’s pretty obvious or I wouldn’t be on this forum. Nor would many of us. I like to think the gut is where the heart and mind meet.
Pt being, we all bring out own interpretations to any situation.
And where I love the quote from G1S that you re-stated, and where I think it should be pasted on my wall, and is so right on, it’s very important for me to remember that only we know what’s truly right for us and only we can draw the right boundaries for ourselves. Believe me, I love what it says and consider those guidelines to be about as good and accurate and intutive as any I have seen.
Actually the more I think about it, the more I don’t think Jane is a very good friend. I keep telling myself that she is fogged over and in awe of Sher and so badly wanted to win her over and help her, she was overcome so that a lesser friend who had what Sher wanted became a means to a very important end. That makes me freaking angry, yes, and boy I let her know it (in email-the chicken way). I needed to make myself talk to her real time, but I just didn’t want to. But I also didn’t close the door on her; however, I think she closed it on me.
D.mom, I am confused a little by your post. I don’t understand why you feel like you’re helping your friend who bit your head off by letting her come to you instead of reaching out to her in a time of need. You said you feel you could be friends again now, but it’s not good for her for you to reach out…..if you get a chance…
I think my mind doesn’t work at that level anymore! Once you get a little older, at least for me, I’ve let go of some of that because I can’t remember it!!! Haha.
Anyway, I thank you both for caring enough to respond and am so glad some folks found that topic thought-provoking.
Skylar, shocking story. Unbelieveable. Very happy that this person was nabbed and mostly that you are OK!! I have been fascinated by these psychos my entire life, esp J. Dahmer. As Ridgeway was only interested in killing prostitutes and spared you as a result (so chilling) Dahmer felt the only way to be close to his prey was to consume them. Certainly apples and oranges, but just an illustration of how their minds can glom onto an idea that is so freaking outrageous yet it makes complete sense to them. So scary. Congratulations. It makes me sick that the path in my life is raising a kid. I hope and pray that is not the case, but I have no idea. The child may already have inherited his craziness.
G1S-just saw the post about the mug, “Ask me about my lobotomy.”
Hahaha – I am sooooooooo broke right now, but I think I may have to take a little surfing trip to see if I can find that one! Too good.
I have a great example if you all can take another post from me on this boundary gig. I am going to try and be succinct (argh so hard for me) but want to make sure I am as honest a possible so as not to waste folks’ time.
My daughter is 23 and is in the environmental field. She is not living at home right now and is doing a 2nd internship up North. We have always had issues with her re: doing her best, be it schoolwork, extra-curriculars (not helicopter parents at all…only asked her to do one extra fun curricular of her choice per semester hoping she’d find a passion besides hanging with friends and being rebellious!), etc. She was a very shy kid and has blossomed into a poised, bright young woman who I really admire. Graduated from college a yr ago. I know jobs are hard to find but we really need her to put the pedal to the metal and try harder. We can tell by the amt of time she’s spending w/the BF (been together over a yr and we like him), the conversations we have, etc., that she is not looking…she has a lot of networking contacts, etc., and we know that if she were looking, she would be telling us.
At any rate, when we bring this up, she gets angry, “I AM looking – it’s very hard these days, etc.” Yes, we know this and we also know that all of her close hi school friends have jobs, living independently and taking care of themselves financially. She knows that I am old and finding work may not occur. She knows but she doesn’t really get it.
I don’t really know how to express this, but my anger has been working overtime re: her loose attempts to find a job, knowing how desperately we need this. It appears, too, that she thinks she’s going to come home in August after the internship and maybe hang out for a couple months to be with friends. I surmised this from Facebook. I do not know for sure how long she intends to be home and don’t want to even ask. I want her to have a job by fall and I want to know that she is really working towards it. Honestly, she needs it for her own self-worth as well as we can’t afford to support her.
This week, we told her that she can’t come home and languish as she did last fall after her internship for months, working at a card shop and being depressed because her friends weren’t available! They were all working. There are a couple of them who are going to be here starting this fall, Lord help me, who will hang with her and fool around…no job yet for them either. I am really worried about this. Ergo, the letter about no wastrel-ing around.
I also told her that as of Oct 1, I will be handing health ins over to her…she can pay me until she gets a job ($200 a month – I pay 250 for her). Her dad still pays for her car and car ins and her college loans are accruing interest every day! She seems to think she has all that under control. She did respond to my note about the insurance that that is her goal and that she’s glad I gave her the Oct date.
She did not respond to her dad’s note about languishing. I was very shocked he wrote it because they have a daddy’s girl r.ship and are very close. But he finally does realize she must find work and not hang around getting into a funk or moving backwards into those party days and losing momentum towards a job.
Last night we spoke on the phone and I felt sooooooooooooooooooooooo guilty. She is so smart and so well-read in her field and has become so grown up…she wasn’t angry at my note, and once again, I had conjured up some negative about her as I’ve done in the past (just like my mom) that wasn’t true. I thought she told me about a health issue she’s having only because she thought I’d see the ins info. Last night she told me she was scared about this procedure she has to have and I really felt she needed me. All I could think of was what a monster I was and how could we diss our kid that way? She’s our KID!
She told me there is no way she wouldn’t have told me about her condition, ins info or not….
Ya know, I am just hopeless. Any feedback is appreciated.
I do get this time that I can both be a loving mother and also draw boundaries for her that just have to be drawn for her and for us. I thank you guys for that…a LOT.
I’m sure others have been in similar positions….feel free to discuss! I’d love your thoughts.
Thanks for everything you guys.
StillReeling, I apologize for asking, but what procedure is your daughter having?!
Why would you feel guilty about setting boundaries? Setting boundaries and maintaining reasonable expectations does NOT make a parent “demanding” or “bad.” My belief is that children need and want boundaries and direction. She’s a smart gal, and she just needs to sort things out on her own. Sometimes, it takes a while for young adults to “get it” about their own independence. They do not visualize themselves as a 50-year-old adult. They are in the “now,” immortal, and forever young. Weren’t we all?
One of the things that I regret my parents having done with me was to pay for my car, insurance, etc….I wish that they had been more firm about my learning how to be independent. Although they often said, “No,” to things that were luxuries, I was never compelled (or, encouraged) to strike out on my own and pay my own way.
At any rate, if she’s post-grad, she has the ability to get a job doing menial work, share living arrangements with roomates, and learning about making a living, paying bills, and being an adult. With her health care, sure – everyone should have health care, but her debts are HER debts, and if she’s able-bodied, she can waitress like many of us have and learn that there’s FAR more to responsible independence than getting a job in one’s chosen field, especially if the market for those positions is competetive.
Brightest blessings, StillReeling
StillReeling, as an aside to your situation with your daughter, my parents groomed me to “marry well,” which was a typical mind-set of their generation: mom & dad were both young during the Great Depression, and females in the workforce were atypical. I came along late in their lives (mom 43 and dad 45), and I was a child in the ’60’s where it was “free love” and total irresponsibility in the ensuing decades.
“Marrying well” was the expectation that rather primed me for being dependent. It was Prince Charming that was to whisk me off of my feet and care for me for the rest of my life. This belief is no longer applicable to contemporary society, in general. Yes, people can connect with wealthy mates, but independence is priceless, especially for women.
In my case, I’m learning the very, very hard way how to live under my own power, even if that power isn’t enough to light a candle, right now. I’ve got to sort this all out, and I wish that I had learned how to do this, early on.
Hugs
Still Reeling,
Sometimes you need to kick those babies out of the nest.
My son got laid up this summer by spraining his ankle. He ended up with a splint from the bottom of his foot to just below his knee. He’s been on crutches. He couldn’t work if he wanted at a regular job, although I told him to look into selling his writing as articles online. That didn’t happen, by the way.
Prior to that, he was making no real effort that I could see to find a job and had excuses up the wall. He sells things on eBay. I told him that he needed to pay for his cell phone because I wouldn’t and he had better manage his money to plan on that. He can’t live without his cell phone so guess what? He does have money to pay for that and I hear about it, but I take it in stride. He’s learning and he’s none the worse for it.
When things are very warm and good between us, I sometimes bring up the economy, how hard things are, what are his responsibilities now that he is an adult, and what are mine. I honestly think he finds the conversations helpful because how else would he become aware of what is happening in the world and how it will impact him? I’m the one with the life experience. I see this as a parent preparing one’s child for the world.
He’s still in college so I don’t expect him to financially support himself. I think a college education is a must-have and will help him to the extent that I can, but he knows that I can’t afford much.
The other day he told me that he is thinking of going into pre-med. He got upset. He brought up how what my P sister and S mother did to him affected his high school grades and he couldn’t have gotten into a pre-med program. I pointed out that he now has a year under his belt, he got a 3.5 GPA, and if he wants to go pre-med, look into it. Then he got upset about how to pay for med school. I told him we’ll just take things as a come and if he can get in, there are always school loans. We’ll find a way. (I also pointed out, “When was the last time you ever heard of anyone laying off a MD?”)
Your daughter being in environmental should be able to find some kind of work. Going green or being green is a very hot job field right now. I can’t believe that she hasn’t been able to find anything. She might need to relocate, but this is a job field that is growing.
When my son gets “unreceptive” to my comments (ugly/surly,) as he can from time to time like many 19-year-olds, I sweetly tell him that he isn’t obligated to live here. This is my house. He can move out. Then I nicely explain that I realize it would be tough to fund his own place so he could look for roommates. The discussion never goes any further than that. 😉
Giving her the October 1st deadline is ample time to find a job and set aside something to pay for her health insurance.
Maybe her father’s note will be the kick in the pants that she needs.
Just remember not to threaten anything that you do not intend to follow through on because once you fail to follow through, then you’ve set it up in her mind that you don’t really mean what you say.
What I do with my son, because he will let things go, is ask him every few days or once a week, “How are things going with X? How do things look with Y? How close are you to getting Z?” I don’t nag. I don’t act hysterical. I have pointed out that I don’t like being so concerned about finances either, but not being concerned could spell ruin. I’d rather be a little concerned now than homeless and out on the street later. Besides, every bit of money that I can put into the house means that much less he’ll need to support me when I get old and decrepit.
I’ve also pointed out that he’s my only heir so when I go, the house goes to him, assuming that we still have it. If he wants that in his future, he needs to help me out now the best he can so I can keep the house. This is how inheritances work. If he wants to inherit, there needs to be something there for him to inherit.
We also need to maintain the house because if we don’t, it will cost much more later down the line to repair things than if we keep things up now. Yeah, a new front door isn’t glamourous, but it saves on the heating bill and improves the curb appeal. You can see the light bulbs going off. Kids just don’t think of those things. How is he going to learn if I don’t teach him?
To his credit, he did get a job as a RA in school which means that all of his room is now paid for until he graduates, assuming that he keeps the job or he doesn’t get fired (which I can’t see happening) and 1/2 of his board is paid for as well.
I have a budget that I update every day. I let him know how things are going. Not in detail, but in general like, “Things are really tight, honey. I’m not seeing how I can pay for X.” or “I’ve caught up on Y, so how about if next month we plan on doing Z?”
I don’t guilt him into anything, but I feel it is important that he realizes that income and expenses must be watched. He’s very comfortable at this point with hearing, “I am open to that, but I need to budget for it and I want to wait until it goes on sale.” He’s been told that money can be in one of two places – our pockets or somebody else’s. The item doesn’t change because we wait until it goes on sale.
He might ask me if we can get or do something. I tell him that I need to look at the budget. I might come back with, “I can’t do that this pay period, but I can do it the second pay period next month.”
My intent is to teach him that money, even when it is in the account, isn’t there to blow through. There are priorities, like a roof over our heads, food on the table, gas in the car etc.
Don’t feel guilty with setting boundaries. Set an example for her. Show her that it takes money to live. You’d love to be hanging out with your friends, too, and have somebody else paying your expenses. Who wouldn’t want to live that way? I’ve said that to my son, but in keeping with being pragmatic, I tell him that just isn’t life as we know it.
Good luck.
12hopeful, I want to post this with the most healing of intentions, and it is my fervent hope that you interpret the words in the spirit that I’m typing them.
From your own posts and the words that you are using, it reads that you’ve expected a miracle cure and it hasn’t happened in the time-frame that you’ve set, or in the manner that you’ve expected it to. PSTD – the “fear” of the 5-foot-woman is not abnormal, just a symptom of the overall carnage that spath entanglements create. But, more alarming to me, is that you are “resigned” and comfortable in this trauma. If one thing doesn’t work, try something else. Medication? Might be necessary, but there are a wide variety of prescribed meds that can help. Chi-based martial arts? Great! Try Tae Kwon Do along with it! The physical release of energy will be very healing! Counseling therapy? You bet – but, maybe, with a different counselor that “gets it.”
12hopeful, multiple degrees are no protection against victimization, of ANY kind, be it spath or random violence. Just because an individual is well-educated does not guarantee them emotional, financial,physical, spiritual, or sexual safety. The symptoms that you are describing sound like the hallmarks of severe PSTD and THAT nasty monkey requires a whole different approach – it is a “whole-self” condition.
Things DO heal, 12hopeful…..they really DO, but they don’t heal in 6 months, 2 years, or even 10 years. Healing goes as it goes, and no amount of “wanting” or “demanding” healing is going to facilitate it. Time, effort, emotional roller coasters, and the whole lot creates healing.
I had a major triggered meltdown, yesterday, and was quite prepared to lose my remaining marble, and it was all as a result of expectations, predictions, faulty beliefs, and the rest that has always left me open as a target. Well, for the first time in a long, long while, I got through that crisis on my own, without any words of wisdom, telephone calls to a mentor, or Xanax to ease the anxiety. Goddammit, I WON, for once!
It is these tiny, tiny triumphs that are helpful to me.
12hopeful, STOP heading into your bedroom and locking yourself away. That’s the sure path to self-destruction. Isolation is part of the PSTD expression – seek help for yourself if you TRULY want healing.
Brightest blessings
With regard to what can lay a person low, we know that Godzilla wiped out Tokyo. He was big. He was rampant, and he was pissed off.
We also know that Ebola Virus wiped out entire villages indescriminatly and within days.
Godzilla is something that you can see coming way off in the distance. Ebola Virus is a microscopic organism that cannot be confirmed without a process of specific tests.
Spaths….not the size of Godzilla, at all. They are the emotional Ebola Virus.
LOL: Truthspeak: Ebola Virus STRAIGHT FROM HELL.
Don’t forget that part. hehehehe
Happy Day everyone, I am off to live some life…
xxoo
12Hopeful,
Part of the healing process includes ugly things, like feeling resentments.
There is no doubt that you have been wounded, as we all have been or we wouldn’t be here.
You do have choices. I agree with Truthy – going into your bedroom and bolting the door isn’t going to do a lot for your situation.
I may be wrong in this, but I am hearing a lot of anger and desire to punish the world, especially with your last post.
Anger is a stage of the healing process. Sometimes we do things like lock ourselves away. That’s OK for a period of time, but most people don’t spend the rest of their lives living this way.
I’ve got over 25 years in Al-Anon, which is self-help healing. I’ve seen and experienced a lot that others do as well as what I do personally. We learn what helps us to heal and what we do to sabotage ourselves. It sounds to me that you’re sabotaging yourself with resentments, anger, and self-pity.
Resentments come from expectations. While both are complex subjects, suffice it to say it’s difficult to have expectations for something that happened in the past. The past happened. It’s over. 20/20 hindsight does nothing except, hopefully, prepare us to be wiser in the future.
Anger? After a while, it becomes a choice. If you want this woman to continue to live rent-free in your head, you have the right to do it. My question is why would you? Hasn’t she taken enough already?
I agree with Truthy. It does sound like you’re expecting a miracle cure. Aren’t we all? Sure would be nice.
Nobody can restore you to the life that you had before.
I’m hearing a lot of self-pity your previous life was lost and/or taken away from you, but what can anybody on the planet do about that? Nobody can give your previous life back to you. To walk through life expecting that is unfair to others. You might feel that you’re entitled to feel that way, which nobody can say you’re not, but to expect something that nobody can give you sounds like a huge waste of emotional and psychic energy to me.
Get selfish. Take your energy back. Go use it for something that makes you happy.
Even in the best of cases, today is the new “normalcy” for everyone.
Circumstances change constantly both internally and externally. Each day, local, national, and world news change. How can you expect that your life is going to return to what it was before?
What I don’t understand is why you let this 5′ woman continue to damage you. All this resentment and self-pity that you’re carrying around is permitting her to have the upper hand.
Is what you are today the legacy that you want to give your children? Is this really what you want? To create such a miserable state for yourself that your P can tell your kids, “See what a loser he is?” If you don’t want her to shoot you down like that, don’t give her the ammunition to use.
Plenty of us have posted here that living well is the best revenge. If you want that, start figuring out what “living well” means to you and how you can achieve that.
Al-Anon advises newcomers to try 6-8 meetings (they’re free) and if they find that Al-Anon doesn’t work for them, we’ll cheerfully refund their misery.
So, think of our suggestions that way. If our feedback doesn’t appeal to you, or you try our suggestions and they don’t work, your misery is still there for you to do with as you wish.
But even if you’re angy, resentful, or feeling a lot of self-pity at the moment, despite those being the negative sides of healing, they are parts of the healing process. Healing is going on.
Good luck. I do wish you happiness.
Truthy, am glad to hear that you managed to hold onto your one last marble.