Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
Alwabh. I am so sorry to hear your story and the brutality you have suffered. Unfortunately, most people with personality disorders hide this fact at the beginning. Knowing what we know now, we would never have bought into such a relationship. The veneer of ‘good times’ is part of the trick to lure us in. The good side of things was the trade off for the bad. When you looked in the mirror and said ‘enough’ just keep holding that thought. They can be very pursuasive and if we are soft hearted, it is easy to fall back into their clutches, which is when the worst abuse starts.
Fortunately though, you have come here to this place of support and refuge and all the help of the people here will help you. You have done well to keep your head together through this terrible time, but you must not allow him access to you to use you as his beating post. You have probably realised that the nice part of them is the ‘syrup’ by which they lure us in and that they get a sadistic satisfaction by downloading their pain onto other people. My exN had a very traumatic childhood and moreover adolescence. Like you, I thought I could help mine recover, gave him articles about anger management, even offered for him to use me as a step up to a better life – and what a payback.
The agenda you have for him is vastly different from the agenda he has for you and terribly you have already found out what he has in store for you. Your agenda comes from love and compassion, his from pain and hurt. All your love will not fix his head and you have suffered badly already. You will know by reading these articles, that feeling ‘connected’ to them is part of the addiction to these relationships and of course you cant just switch your love off. But by avoiding him like the plague and not allowing him any access to, or sweet talking you back (mine did that too, we broke up 10 times in a year), you will minimise the damage. Keep hanging in with your resolve to protect yourself and dont let your memory and heart fool you into taking him back, because as we know from experience, they will punish you even more for dropping them. Everyone here will support you.
Aloa is right. Your story has all the classic signs of an abusive relationship. You sound as though you have a strong sense of reasoning, let that be your guide to take you away and out of the hell that you have experienced. If you feel weak at times, come here and we will all support you. Well done for getting away. But stay away from this man, he has already given you a bad taste and the fact that he is stoned will twist his mental reasoning even more to the extent that he may not be full conscious of what damage he is inflicting on you. Make no mistake, many of us here, went into these relationships thinking that we would be the ‘one’ who would make life better for them, fix them. What I realised is that only they can fix themselves, and many of them are unfixable, which would buy you a life of pain and suffering. Read here why No Contact with them is absolutely paramount – and stick to it.
Dear Aloha, Beverly and Free,
First, thank you for the resource information. I have been to a Domestic Violence Outreach office here where I am but the lady who normally provides individual and group sessions is on leave after having a baby. I really need to get into a session as I am on the brink of letting go and going back. Why would I even think of going back? I’ll be fine and then that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach emerges and I need to know where he is and what hes doing. I don’t know if its because somewhere down deep I miss him or that I’m so scared of him that I want to make sure he is far away. Its mixed up, confused and not rational.
To let go is the smartest move I could ever make. My mind tells me this; but my heart is so broken, my emotions are so fragile that one minute I tell myself one thing and then the next I take two steps backwards. The No Contact would help me to move forward I know this. But he told me last week on my one call to him that if he didn’t hear from me he would start thinking things and even if it were 5 years down the road he would find me.
I feel like I’ve lost everything, and of course I’m wrong I do have my life. But he continues on, he had nothing to loose but me. I have been rereading some journaling I did write after I left and trying to keep those feelings in my head. It all seemed so clear then but as time goes on it seems to get distorted. I think about the good times, which were some, he did make me feel soooo loved when he was trying to make up for the pain and make sure I would not try to leave. I know he “Thinks” he loves me but he didn’t act like someone with love most of the time.
Before this I would have told any woman going through this situation to leave and never look back. So why can’t I give myself this same advise and just not look back? Hmmm, I guess I just didn’t have a clue before.
Thank you all for sharing part of your stories, and loving a total stranger, I don’t feel so alone now. I am sorry that so many women and men have had to deal with abuse in their lives. It makes me so sad to think that bad people can prey on the goodness in others. It makes me afraid to trust again because what if I take the time to get well, work on me, get back a life and then someone comes along and takes it all away again. It will be a long time, if ever, that I even think about a relationship again. Emotionally I’m still attached to the one I just left.
But this morning I got up with no immediate fear and I walked outside without permission. I may have nothing left and I mean (no car, no home, no material possessions of any kind, no credit) but I have me and I am alive. I AM ALIVE. Just as I sit here and write this I realize that it the most something in the world. I didn’t think I would live.
Thanks for your support and I will use this site to get these thoughts out of my head, and for the advice from some strong people. I hope to one day be able to help others as you are.
Alwabh. I came to the point that you are at now. My thought as that time was ‘If I stick with him, its gonna be him or me’. It had to be me. Make that decision, vote for yourself and stay away from him. You will be thankful that you did take that courageous step. Dont be lured back in. If you stick with that man, you are giving him a message that you are willing to tolerate physical punishment – is that what you want for yourself?
“Oddly, what attracted me to this man was his ability to get people to open up to him. He has an uncanny ability to make a person feel comfortable talking about the intimate details of their lives. He also liked to offer advice to others always proposing to take the high road. This worked particularly well with women. Is anyone familiar with this strategy? Is this all part of the game that I didn’t know that I was playing?”
hummingbird – I went through exactly the same thing. I can’t believe all the stuff I told him and I just opened up to him so quickly. I’ve had experiences with two psychopaths before – one was a male friend who became obsessed with me, spiked my drinks, but cos he had a history of depression and attempted suicide, he guilt-tripped everyone and convinced them that I’d made his life a misery, and all because I just didn’t fancy him and only considered him a friend. So he turned loads of people against me. I know perhaps it’s better that it happened so that I knew what he was really like and what these so-called friends of mine were really like and that if people weren’t going to accept the horrendous crap that happened to me then they weren’t worth keeping in my life cos why should I be with people who would rather stay neutral even though he spiked my drink and intended to rape me?
The second pschopath/sociopath was a female friend who couldn’t bear it if I had a boyfriend even though she had a long-term boyfriend and was cheating on him consistently. But here’s the interesting bit – my ex-boyfriend psychopath from last year told me, when we were on our first proper date, that he had actually dated this woman! But for some reason I didn’t mind because I thought perhaps he had been led astray by her and didn’t realise she had a boyfriend. Obviously this was me deluding myself and thinking that he was so great, and he wasn’t.
I feel really confused though. I think to myself, after everything I went through with the first two sociopaths, how did I fall for this guy? I know deep down it was because I was very lonely at the time I met him and had gone through some bad health problems and career problems, so I was vulnerable and these types of men can pick up on that and you fall for their flattery because they seem so wonderful that you would jump at the chance to have them in your life, whether it’s as a friend or a boyfriend. But I also get to thinking of one night when we were friends, just before we got together properly – at a party, he seemed really ‘depressed’ about a girl who was there, as if he really liked her but didn’t know what to do about it. She was the girl that he ended up cheating on me with. And part of me thinks did he actually really love this girl and is that why it all happened? I’m not trying to justify his behaviour but I keep thinking back to this and wondering is he all bad? I know the answer is probably ‘yes! he is a total sociopath’ but I don’t know. I do know I didn’t deserve any of the hate campaign that he launched my way after I exposed him to loads of people due to him cheating on me, and I didn’t deserve a bunch of my so-called friends turning against me (again! it’s like a horrible pattern in my life) cos he seems like such a nice guy.
But it just still hurts so much…it’s like he won’t leave me alone, they are all still trying to outdo me and get at me and ruin my life, they ruined my most recent relationship by telling the guy I was unhinged and eventuually he couldn’t cope with it and ended it to make his life easier. I’ve tried to cut them all out but it’s hard cos there’s the chance I might run into some of them now and again. And I wonder are they ever going to see what he’s really like even though they know what he did to me? He’s probably watching his behaviour so that they don’t realise I was in the right, but is there a chance that he will actually expose his sociopathy, this time to them? I just want everyone to see that I was right and that I’m not the psycho he’s made me out to be.
And I just want to pass all my best wishes on to everyone on this site – you have been through some horrible expereinces but I think you’re all marvellous women and so strong and I really admire all of you.
Miranda, The charismatic veneer is well practised and perfected by them. We interpret it as chemistry, but if you read seduction tactics, it is all well planned and plotted. A bloke who cheats even once, or who gives you a whiff of a reason that he maybe someone other than what he purports to be – should be sent packing without delay, before you get too heavily invested. Keep hold of your mental health, that is one of the things – they like to mind bend their partners.
Dear ALWABH,
Read your own words for the answer:
“He did make me feel soooo loved when he was trying to make up for the pain and make sure I would not try to leave.”
You are describing the signature move of a classic Abuser.
Saying he will kill himself or find you no matter how much time goes by… he’s so cliche! CLASSIC ABUSER TACTICS. VERY UNORGINAL.
In a healthy relationship, you feel loved because your partner LOVES you… NOT because they are trying to divert your attention away from their abuse and NOT because they are trying to KEEP you from leaving.
If you can’t find anyone to counsel you today, write your sentence above 100 times until it sinks in for you. Or write it down on a piece of paper and carry it in your pocket. Everytime you start to waiver, read that sentence. Do you have a picture of yourself after he beat you? Look at that when you feel like calling him or going back.
He does not love you. He does not know what love is. He wants to CONTROL you… and he will beat you again. I would bet my life on it… and if you go back, you are betting your life on it too… and you might llose.
The Bad Man did not beat me physically but he did beat me down emotionally and he did bring me flowers… lots of flowers… actually, he brought me leis (I lived in Hawaii at the time.)
After awhile, flowers don’t mean love anymore, do they? Flowers mean you were beaten and then flowers start to STINK.
Every one of us did the following:
Fell hard and fast
Blamed ourselves
Went back or took them back
Felt bad for them
Doubted our own perceptions
Waivered in our resolve
Were once lonely and needed validation
Believed their BS lies
Wondered if we would be alone forever if we left them
Marveled at how they seemed to want us so bad
Were flattered at times by their too fast, inappropriate behavior
Were beaten down in one way or another
Got FLOWERS… lots of FLOWERS
alwabh,
You said, “what if I take the time to get well, work on me, get back a life and then someone comes along and takes it all away again.”
I say… if you do all that work, you won’t “give it all away” again.
That’s not to say you won’t love again but you won’t give everything away to someone that is SOUL SUCKER.
Do your work. You will get a much better return working on you than working on that “relationship.”
Good luck… let us know how you are doing.
Aloha,
I can bearly write through the tears. You are so right and it is so hard to hear. Its what I “need to hear” but not what I want to hear. I want someone to say, yes there is help for him. Yes he will get the help and then he will be the man you fell in love with. But those are the lies I keep telling myself. The lies that I have told myself over and over. Thank you for the truth, the truth is I am worth more than that. I just need to find myself again, I lost her somehwhere along the way. I became so focused on him because in his world his reality is the only reality. I run the time with him through my mind over and over and there was so much more bad than good. And now to think that the good was only so that I would stick around for more bad. Painful!
To hear the words coming from your mouth drives the fact that he can’t change home. I do feel bad for him because I could leave. I could get out but he is stuck with himself forever. He will never escape himself. And that hurts me inside.
I am going to try the NC. I think that is wise. I am wondering if you think it would help to call him one last time. To let him know that it is definitely over and I will not call again. He has no idea where I am and at least that would be closure for us both. I just think I would have a harder time if I don’t let him know where I stand and why. Then maybe I can move forward. He will cry and he will rant and i will feel sorry for him but I will do it if it means getting through this hurt and finding myself. I will let go, I will let go. God I hope I can let go.
And Beverly,
Thank you for your words of encouragement as well. It is him or me. When I left, I chose me I just need to keep reminding myself of why I left. The fear that I would die or wish I was dead. I will keep reading and writing and keeping myself occupied so my every thought isn’t about him. Thoughts like what if he did kill himself. He had tried in the past several times. Would I blame myself? I gave myself to him, totally mind, soul and body and he took that gift and broke the package, ripped the bow, soiled the inside and spit on it, then tried to tell me how much he loved it and nobody else would ever have it. Wow that felt good to get out!
alwabh,
I called my ex P too many times to count to say good-bye one last time. I wanted that closure I think we all feel we need. I never got it. I just got sucked back in. I am just another person who fell into a hurtful trap, but in my opinion, please, please don’t call him. It will set you back and you will keep on gettting hurt.