Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
Alwabh. The worst is over, if you maintain that. If you contact him, even one time, he will interpret your No as Yes, and that will give him the opportunity to talk you back, like he has before. They dont see it as closure, they are just getting access to you, your mind, again. Let him sort himself out. I realised with my exNarcissist, I was trying to be his therapist, his saviour. There are many professionals out there for him to get counselling, otherwise you will both be drowning. Sorry if this sounds abit to the point, but we are not as emotionally involved as you, and it is easier to talk without the emotional connection. With No Contact, that connection that keeps you going back to the abuse will wither and disappear and you will look back and wonder how you put up with it. Think about yourself, he is a grown man.
I know how you feel, I did the same and felt foolish that I gave myself too on a deep level, to someone who not only pretended to love me, but had abuse as his main agenda. I likened my situation to someone who has taken in a homeless dog, cared for it, nurtured and loved it and it bit me! What do you do, feel sorry for it, throw it out – this is the dilemma many nuturing women like you and me had to face with these relationships. But over time, your energy and esteem will be eroded at the least and your body will not tolerate regular physical punishment.
Dear alwabh,
I made you cry. Good! That means I reached you. Believe me, it is not my nature to make people cry. I have a very nurturing job and I often comfort people (little people) when they are scared, hurt, and crying.
But Alwabh, I know that there is nothing I can say that can make you cry more than your Bad Man has already. You are not crying because of what I said.. you are crying because reality is sinking in. Reality is a good place to be.
We talk about boundaries here all the time… I would like to suggest one for you. You said you hurt inside because he can not escape himself. I think focusing on his tragic life is a diversion from getting yourself back together. Sometimes, I think we sensitive types wear our empathy like a badge of honor… but why do we do this? Let him go. The universe will take care of him. You need to take care of you. His pain is not your pain to bear. And besides, how did taking care of him work out for you so far? Remember how you felt when you were all banged up?
Clearly, he is not invested in your well being.
I DO NOT recommend calling one last time to say goodbye. VERY BAD IDEA. I can almost guarantee that there are at least 50 other readers that are saying “ditto” right now to that. He does not need to hear your goodbye and you will not get any closure from this, I assure you. What you are more likely to get is threats, manipulation, intimidation. If you must say goodbye.. do it with a restraining order.
If this man does commit suicide in the future, IT WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT! NOT-AT-ALL. So decide for youself to let that idea go before it settles in anywhere in your mind. You have enough to deal with right now so toss that aside immediately.
I want to say one more thing… I gave my mind, body, and soul to the Bad Man too. Something about him made me open myself so deeply. A relationship with a Sociopath is like making a deal with the devil. He makes things sound so good at first and then you sell him your soul for cheap… and it costs an emotional fortune to get it back… but you can.. and you will.. if you do the right things.
Today, I have no feelings for the Bad Man. NONE-AT-ALL.
But I do care tremendously about my ladies at LoveFraud… :o)
You are in the right place Alwabh.
I have been for almost 4 years with a sociopath. I always knew there was something qiut wrong with him. I even made lists of al the horrible and ridiculous things he did to me and other people. But up untill three weeks ago I still stayed with him. Because we had so much fun and he is really very very attractive.
Now every other day he is at my doorstep. Saying he misses me , doesn’t want to loose me, etc, etc, And stupid as I am I fall for it. Even though I have been reading this blog for some weeks now.
Because when I broke up with him I told a good friend of mine what has been happening with me. She told me I might have been involved with an S. I started surfing and now I know for sure.
Nobody else knows all these things. If I would tell them they wouldn’t believe I could be so stupid. I am concidered to be a strong and intelligent woman who would never accept these kinds of things. Not to mention the criminal and fraud things he does.
Anyway: yesterday night he passed by. Needed food. I couldn’t resist but didn’t want to get involved. He started writing letters to his family stating that he would not accept the (quit) large inheritance of his father. He read it out loud and I didn’t really react on it.
I cannot care less what he does. In that we it seems over. He told me that he didn’t want me to stay in touch with his family.
Later he felt irritated , probably because I didn’s react on his letters and he could’t reach me any more. No I decided (again:-) that it is over and I will not stay in contact with him.
Hopefully, hopefully, I will be able to to ignore his phonecalls and mails.
Reading this site helps a lot and I feel confident I can do it. But I know also how hard it is when he is at my door. You all have been there….
Thank you all.
.
Miranda,
Sociopaths are smooth talkers. They mimic what they think you want to hear. Mine made me feel like I was the person with the problems. I was too insecure of his friendships with other women. I needed him too much. He used his health and other excuses to explain why we weren’t staying overnight at each other’s homes in the last two years of our relationship.
He lied about his son or grandchildren staying over to cover up his relationship with another woman.
He told me before Mother’s Day that he was buying tickets to a play for his son and daughter-in-law. He said that he was spending Mother’s Day with his mother in Philadelphia. I found out from his cell phone charges that he never left Baltimore on Mother’s Day and probably took his “girlfriend” to the play. How could a son lie about his Mother?
Fly,
I was with my sociopath for four years. I found out that he was involved with at least one other woman during our entire relationship.
He broke my heart and cost me thousands of dollars. I gave him money for numerous financial problems. He always started to pay me back and then stopped after a payment or two and left me with the bills. This happened over and over. You would think that I would have wised up before I depleted all my savings and got into debt with my credit cards.
Hello all
I cant get enough of reading here… everything I read is exactly what I had experienced over the last 6 years.. its been since 5th May I have NC. Its been a horrific time for me. I am proud of myself for NC. My eyes HURT from crying. I have talked and talked and talked. NOBODY understands what a S is !!!! NOBODY wants to know, oh my god – I sound and look like the nut case !!!!!!!.. alawabh, your S sounds like the opposite of mine, mine wasnt threatening to kill himself FAR FROM IT.. but what a charmer – every one of my gf fell in love with him, he had time, he listened.. oh yes humans are really bad lie detectors, how gullible we can be. My eyes hurt, I feel like they are bruised, this is from wiping my tears. There isnt many moments when he is not in my head. Sometimes I hold my head and scream “get the F out of my head”. sometimes I think Im making it all up EVEN AFTER READING every blog in here and agreeing with it !!!!!!.. what I am trying is everytime HE comes into my head I immediately replace him with my kid’s names.. they have been the “parent” and me the “child” the last 3 weeks ! I am sad , I hate him for bringing me down like this. I also want closure (he is in another state in Australia).. and I know that ANY contact will make his ego expand !!!!! its a catch 22, so damn sad. I hate him, love him, hate him love him. make excuses. I have lit my candle here tonight and have an icon (Im greek!) next to my bed and I pray and I do my cross (IM NOT religious.. far from it), but I guess its my way of asking someone for strength to get me through this hell I am going through and have been through for so so so long. I can’t believe I fell for all his lies, he was so convincing. Yes, and I also have photos of the bruising..I havent pulled it out, but I know I must. I try to think of all the bad things he said and did to me, the amount of times he left (for very little reason), and came back and THE BLAME. It was all my fault, he took no responsibility whatsoever.. even though HIS father was an alcoholic, HIS father hung himself. My family is warm and loving and happy and down to earth. All I wanted was a “normal” happy family life. I couldnt do enough for him. He left me in March 2006, my ex husband had a stroke in June 2006, I was out of work, i lived on $50 a week to buy food and I accepted him back, he visited here every month, was here for christmas/ny for 3 weeks, held me in his arms and told me i was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with (just what i wanted to hear) .. I believed him, and then he only came back 23 april for 6 days, held me all night saying im sorry over and over and over again. He returned home,and 2 DAYS LATER took his other woman on another holiday to Cairns.. we spent 5 days there last March………..can you imagine the pictures in my head !!!!!!!!!!! we snorkelled, drank, laughed, made love, and he probably did exactly the same WITH HER.. oh my god, I feel like I am going crazy !!! I have 2 beautiful kids, a beautiful home (that I JUST manage to keep), I am intelligent, attractive, a great home maker, with beautiful friends, I laugh, I am intelligent and the list goes on !! HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THIS TO ME ?????? HOW COULD HE LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND PROMISE ME ALL that ? and then walk away and sleep with someone else ? i cannot . When he came at christmas time he had a love bite.. disappearing on his neck .. he made me think i was crazy.. my gut feelings were right every single time ! and I just kept adoring him , kept wanting for US TO BE HAPPY.. I dont get HOW they can do this ? yes.. I can.. they don’t have a conscience or a soul. They dont cant feel, its that simple. He also told me he didnt dream, I dont know how often I called him a chameleon.. all the things I read about now, I had no idea then. But I picked up on so many things, things like he imitates the TV.. I often thought that. often. He always said to me “if you would just use logic and NO emotion, things would be easier for you Rina” all the red flags. I just thought I was overly emotional. I blamed my hormones, the full moon, being in an unhappy marriage (1st husband was definitely a Narcissist!) Oh my god, why me ? why why why are all the “good” women treated so badly. I watch other couples, other wives, they talk abusively, they call their partners names, and their men just laugh it off, they look after them, they bring them cups of tea, they kick them when they snore.. I did none of this, I adored the ground he walked on (yes I screamed too, yes I got frustrated … but all for good reason) I am up and down and up and down , and still hope that he will change and knock on my door.. but I dont know if I would accept him back.. I dont think I could ever trust him again. Just the satisfaction to tell him to F OFF .. is what I live for. But I know reading all this , that he will move on. like it was all nothing All my dreams shattered, he played me so well and then just pointed the finger at me.. it was always my fault, well now he can’t point the finger. I wish he would rot in hell for what he did to me, my kids, and my family watching me suffer like this. Almost destroyed me, i hardly function. but i will be ok . i will. for my kids, who dont have a father and only have a shell of a mother, but i am a good healer and I will be back. So just keep reading, keep getting stronger………oh my god, I have wasted so much time. Im ranting again. If I had $1 for every word I have said about him I would be a billioner.. so fucking sad that we put so much energy into one crazy man that jumbled up our heads. Good night all. thank you.
Stay strong, dont let an insane monster destroy our beautiful souls. iVE just re read my post, yes its all over the place, I hope you understand me……….
Rriinnaa,
I continue to read the comments left on this website. It somehow validates how I feel. Most people outside of this website would not understand how it feels to be used and controlled by someone for their own pleasure.
I also think about what my S was doing with his godson’s mother on the cruise and on vacation. I know that she spent more time staying over at his house than I did. He always made up excuses for the women’t clothing left behind – it belonged to his granddaughter. If I had not believed him hook, line and sinker, I would have questioned whey a teenager would be wearing clothes suited for a middle-aged woman.
Even confronting him didn’t phase him. He said so what if I took a family friend on the cruise. We have been friends for a long time and just because she is a woman doesn’t mean that we slept together (RIGHT!!!)
He is a liar through and through. That is part of a sociopath’s life. I don’t think that they are capable of telling the truth. They cover up their activities with lies and deception.
Rriinnaa,
I understand you. I believe that feeling understood is key to healing from a Sociopathic Encounter.
You asked yourself if you would ever be able to trust him again if he came back. OF COURSE NOT! There is not a snowball’s chance in HELL that this will all end up happily ever after. You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning.
Your Bad Man sounds like a master manipulator and he has been ratcheting up your emotions over and over so he can watch you crash and fall for kicks. I can just imagine him torturing a small animal and watching it die slowly. He is PURE EVIL.
Did you read the “Romeo’s Bleeding” articles yet? They really, really helped me. The whole series of articles is attached to the end of this essay. (Yes, it’s my essay but what I really want everyone to read are those articles! They are VERY GOOD.)
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/05/12/the-verbal-attacks-of-the-sociopath/
I read Part 5 first and it just about knocked the wind out of me. This series had the finality of nails in a coffin for me. Bad Man is dead and buried in my mind.
Here lies Captain Jeffrey, the Merman Whack-a-doo.
He is disordered, through and through.
May I now rest in peace… actually, I do. Those long sleepless nights are gone now. I had about a year of those at least. Bury your Bad Man and get some sleep!
And Rriinnaa, I think it is a wonderful idea to replace your thoughts of your Bad Man with thoughts of your children. I think it was ML Gallagher that encouraged us to strive for NO CONTACT in our minds.
Do everything you can to accept that he is phoney baloney and you loved a mirage. Smoke and mirrors… “He is the lie.”
Keep ranting until you get it out…
alwabh, welcome. sorry about the suffering you have gone through, it is always the same with the pscychopath/sociopath–they take everything away. We give everything away to them. They smash it, and smash us.
You have got your LIFE, the other is just “stuff” and “stuff” can be replaced. If you go back to this man, you may also lose your life. Aloha is so right NO CONTACT of any kind. NEVER EVER AGAIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONTACT HIM!!!!!
Rrinnaa, glad that things are still ultimately going better for you. Keep on ranting, blow out the anger…and focus on your children, aloha is so right!
Miranda, we aren’t always able to h ave them “exposed” for what they are–sometimes they “shoot themselves in the foot” and other times they don’t. But it isn’t about them any more, it is about US. It is important to us that we are able to validate ourselves, and know that we are/were right, that other people’s opinions in this don’t matter. So what if the whole world thinks he is right and you are wrong? It doesn’t change the TRUTH. There was a time when everyone thought the world was flat, but it didn’t change the TRUE SHAPE of the world—truth is truth, no matter what anyone else thinks.
God bless you all, and my prayers for your healing and recovery from this trauma. (((hugs))))
hello everyone,
and thank you to all of you for your support and comments. Well, here I am again on a Saturday night, tv on, cold, sitting on the couch with my son – daughter out with her boyfriend. I am sitting here seething.. have been all week, all month. LAST CONTACT: 7th May 2008, have talked and talked and cried myself to sleep most nights.. .going from giving up smoking , started my walking 10kms… to back to smoking and sitting and seething. Called his cell phone tonight,I didnt talk to him .. he KNEW IT WAS ME AND JUST HUNG UP!.I didnt really have anything to say to him – I know its useless yet I HAVE NO CLOSURE. I AM SO ANGRY ! I dont want to be angry, I swing like a pendulm from angry to ‘who cares’ to i hate him to i feel sorry for him ! I was out last night, tried to dance to talk to be social – my girlfriends are dragging me out. Ive met hundreds of other men on the net (I dont want to) .. I WANT ANSWERS, BASICALLY I WANT REVENGE. He can just continue on with his life, and leave me here like this . OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY. Im thinking of taking anti depressants, but i DONT WANT TO FEEL like a zombie. I dont know how to handle this. He won’t talk to me…. then i think WHY DO I WANT HIM TO MAKE SENSE FOR ME.. nothing he did or said ever made sense in the past. I WANT TO HURT HIM, YET HE CAN’T HURT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ALL THIS… I REALLY DON’T IM HURTING BADLY, and I know he isnt worth it. i want to fly up to Queensland and spit in his face, I want to, and yet I know thats not the answer. Oh my god, I shouldnt have drunk alcohol last night, I know it puts me in this crazed mood… and I AM NOT CRAZY >. PLEASE HELP ME…………………………………………everyone tells me to let him be… to move on .. its not that easy! Im dealing with a Sociopath.. I know revenge is to get on with my life, and Im damn well trying very hard. I dont feel I will rest until something horrible happens to him, yet that is no good for my soul either. Please, please talk to me… make me see sense again, its only been a month and this monster is still roaming in my head destroying everything in its sight !!!! i hate him i hate him i loathe him for what he’s done to me !
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again …. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children … all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ….. “I would die for you Rina”…. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life”… “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME… I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET…. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster … oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ………I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry… i am ranting…. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ……. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..