Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
Dear rrinnaa, you will get yourself back in time and this nightmare will be behind you, but at the moment you are in the fallout phase. I understand your hatred of him, there are times when I still feel that I would like my ex to fall under a bus – and yes they skip off scott free without a care for our pain and the promises they made. Get a close friend to give you the support, comfort and the talking space you so need. My daughter saw me suffering, the house was in a mess, I was in a mess and I was getting into alcohol to try and blot out the nightmare, but she silently stood by me and cleaned the house and checked on me because she was worried. Let your feelings out, this will help you heal. I believe in karma. Take it easy Rriinnaa and people here will give you lots of support too. (((Hugs)))
Dear dear dear Rina,
Yes, BEverly is so right–we I think all (or at least most) fell A-P-A-R-T at some point, and you are there NOW, but IT WILL NOT LAST, it is only a part of the healing process and unfortunately, there’s no way to “skip” this and go to part B.
Pain in grief is something that we must go THROUGH, we can’t go under it, over it, around it or pretend it isn’t there. We have to feel and experience it, but like the pain of child birth it won’t last forever, and the person you “give birth to”–the newer, stronger, improved version of YOU will be there, with all of the good parts of the “old you” and wonderful new parts too. I promise you! Just sit down somewhere quietly and pretend that Beverly and I are there, one on each side of you, and that we are holding you in our arms and rocking you and telling you it will “be okay” because soon it WILL BE OKAY, it WILL BE OVER, and you will experience joy again, and power and independence and you will LIVE AGAIN, and hopefully, you will find a man that DOES appreciate you, but for now, just take care of YOU and your kids. Do the minimum of things that “have to be done” and let the dishes sit, let the laundry pile up and don’t feel guilty about it. Just “get by” until the pain goes away—and it WILL GO AWAY, a bit at a time, and one day you will look up and realize it is GONE and that you are laughing again. in the meantime, it will wax and wane, come and go, but each day it will get a bit less and less, and there will be some good days in between before it is gone completely—sort of like labor pains come and go for a while. Since you have kids I know you must have had some labor pains even if you had surgery to deliver. LOL
The anger and hate you feel now will also decrease as time goes on, but they are natural, normal and just a part of it. Come here often, read, learn, post and vent if you must, we DO understand, Rina. ((((hugs))) and my prayers for your healing.
Rina,
You are not alone. We all believed the lies and deceptions of the sociopaths in our lives. I have never dealt with a sociopath before so I took what he told me at face value just like I would have done with anyone else in my life.
They lie and cheat and manipulate people for their own ends. Nothing they do is for love. It is always a means to an end – for their benefit only.
I will be out of town this week. Keep posting. It helps to talk.
Dear rriinnaa,
You will get through this….you were not being “loved”….your mind was being controlled. I know this because I went through it….my last con-artist P…convinced me and the other two women that we are his soul-mate. And odly enough my daughters father claimed the same thing…”We are soul-mates”….I know rina, that your mind was messed with…..you can tell by the way you repeat in your writting. Your mind is trying to heal from the damage that was done. The way I healed my mind was to learn about hypnosis….Anyone who reads this cannot use it in a way as to hurt other people…..that is the rule…..I learned from Richard Bandler and he was a responsible hypnotist who put the command that you cannot use this information to hurt people or do parlor tricks…it is used for healing only….unfortunately many people learn hypnosis from “tricksters” and vegas personalities like Kreskin. But people like us need to know the truth about what is going on….and believe me it goes very deep….deeper than what I am telling you!
when are you being “programed”…..
When you are being romanced….and he is telling you (everything you need to hear….and some)
when he plays songs over and over and over for you! Especially when he points out certain phrases in the song….(sometimes they are cute and loving….and other times they are demeaning and hurtful)
when he is angry at you and he repeats himself over and over and over and over and over and over (especially in monotone) until you cave and you say you get it. (why does it work….because you want love, not anger and because he is the alpha dog…he is your soul mate…all the things he has already programed in you… that you already believe)
So what do you do…..
First of all you recognize that it is all a BIG FAT LIE!
(which is where you are at right now)
Than you take his position away….He is not the Alpha dog and he is not your soul-mate….it is a lie and say that over and over and over in your mind! (use his tools against him…you can and must break the mind controling cycle)
Recognize when he uses “negative behavior” that you don’t agree with…to control your mind….like when he gets angry and works on you to understand his lifestyle…(which by the way lacks in boundaries….what father in his right mind would shower with a 14-year-old child….he has got her mind controlled!) I’m sure he has twisted your “good and honorable” boundaries with his warped brain…..
You need to recognize that you had great insight…you need to go over every time you mind was changed by him…recognize your red flags and bring your mind back to who you are…..
That means….when he plays a song for you…you decide in your own mind what it means to you…nothing..it means nothing ….nothing…..nothing if you get the picture…..both the good and the bad songs…mean….nothing….they are just a song…..walk away!
When you feel like he is trying to get inside your mind tell yourself over and over while he is attempting that he is not in control…say it in your mind…over and over….until you get rid of the man completely…..for some people out there that are going through this and still in the relationship….use the techniques….make a plan….and get out…..and go to therapy….
Program yourself with positive…good…loving thoughts….they help…in your prayer time give yourself these affermations:
Everyday in everyway, my life is getting better and better..
picture what your mind desires for your life…and do this everyday…all wonderful, loving and healed…see beautiful things and people around you….see a vibrant and healthy life.
See your “red flags” as powerful little angels holding red flags…and they love you and they are fighting for you….and now you know how real they are!
Everytime you get the signal of your red flags….give yourself a day or two to think about it…unless it is urgent and tell yourself you are going to make the “adult”…strong and healthy decision about this situation….and you are “transforming” your life.
Review each days activities…improve your mental outlook and the decisions you make around your red flags…and you can change your life…and you will become the wonderful woman/man that you are….
AND THINK ABOUT THIS….IF ALL GOOD PEOPLE CAME TO THIS PLACE WITH THEMSELVES….WHERE WOULD THE P’S TURN….NOWHERE…THEY WOULD HAVE NOONE TO HURT!
This experiece will actually make you a stronger and better mother and person….you will see!
THIS HAS HELPED ME AND I HOPE IT HELPS YOU TOO
rriinnaa,
I havent commented on here much but I read the posts at
least every couple of days, my nightmare ended 10/17/07 or
it began ..whatever way u look at it….I read your post and
the hairs on my arms stood up….everyone of us here knows
exactly how you feel, its a horrible dark scary place…God
deliberatley removes “bad” people out of our lives and wants
us to learn something from it, so Ive been told…..YOU
WILL FIND YOUR WAY OUT!!! I can tell you are a strong
woman, just blown away, the initial hit of what it is and trying
to wrap your brain around something that a “normal” person
with a heart cannot understand and never will… I have
survived some of the worst “trauma” in my life, both of my
parents commited suicide…and I can honestly tell you I never
thought I would snap until the day I realized I just danced
with the “devil” and I loved him..he was the lie from begiining
to end…….I prayed alot, I bought the
movie the secret and try to live my life by it every day…I
have meditation cds i downloaded from i tunes for free..i put
on headphones and it blocks out any thought that wants to
pop into my head about him when I lie down to go to
sleep…its your head and your mind ..you have 2
children..you already know where your priorities are and you
WILL survive this!!!! It does get easier, the pain decreases
but it will be with you a long time and you will come out better
for it!!! Continue on this site NO CONTACT is key and dont
allow him in your head say red light every time his name
pops in…easier said than done but…its survival and u are a survivor!!!!!!!! Found this poem, dont know who its by but..man its the truth!! Hope it helps, Be strong, we are all here with you!!!!
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime…When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make
you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is
real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME
relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
This too shall pass and make us all stronger..emotionally!!!
Invigorated,
You should post more often, that is a very very touching and good post that has meaning not only for rriinnaa but for ALL of us I think. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Hello all again
Its been a little while since I wrote something.. last week actually. I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE’S SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING – it is very soothing for me to read.
Invigorated.. thank you for posting that poem.. I have read it ! .. seems there is not much I havent read, downloaded or spoken about. Ive been well.. better.. and NC since 5/5/08, and today I broke down again at work ! .. I cant help but think I need contact, I need to dump on HIM. I need to spit in his face to get over him. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT WILL GIVE HIM MORE SATISFACTION. I was going to copy this link and send it to him. (thats the “fix him” in me I know that too).
the poem says we meet people for a REASON —– what was the reason for me ??? to destroy my soul ? to kill my joy ? to never be able to trust anyone again? …………..do you know it HURTS when i smile ? and I ALWAYS HAD THE REPUTATION for the best smile.. everyone told me that years ago. !
aaaaaaah reasons, universe, bla bla.
if i had it my way I would put all sociopaths in a prison, and they could finish each other off. they are more dangerous than rapists, murderers. THEY KILL our soul, our hopes, our trust.
there is no greater loss than trust.
I told him so much, I taught him so much, he sucked all the goodness out.
I wish we could post photos on here.. you’ll see the difference WHEN WE MET and NOW. he looks great and I look like shit. YES IM ANGRY. IM STILL ANGRY….. I can’t stop the pictures in my head of what I will do for revenge. It helps me. trust me it does.
Sighs
solid emotional foundation !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD A BEAUTIFUL CHILDHOOD, I have beautiful parents that are still in love.. 4 children and lots of hardship (financial,moving to new country etc) later. They have 10 grandchildren. I have never seen anything like this in my life. The only thing wrong with me was my innocence, naivety and trust. WELL OK I DID LEARN SOMETHING……….not to be so open, so naive, so innocent. BUT I WISH I WAS STILL THAT WOMAN. I dont need this sort of lesson. Im starting to hate the world … Im seeing so many horrible people.. i see behind their facades, and I cry over the loss of my innocence. thinking everyone was like me .. I CANT GET OVER HOW HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES AND PROMISED ME SO MANY THINGS.. and 2 days later took the other woman on a holiday ……………..that was on the 29 April this year !!!!!!!!!! HOW HOW HOW CAN THESE MONSTERS DO THAT TO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ?????????????????? AND HOW THE HELL DO I TRUST ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. I want to have fun, I want to laugh, I want to make love and I loved making love and now I shudder at all these beautiful things that I once did without question.
its hard not using the F word here.
aaaaaaaaaah ! IM ANGRY.
but thank you thank you and thank you for listening and I do read everything you beautiful people write in here and I hate the fact that it takes YEARS to get over those arseholes YEARS where we could be having fun instead of dressing our wounds !!!
WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME PLEASE ? … DO THEY HURT ? do they regret what they have done ? I only wish him the same pain that some day he will be in the same position that I am in… in a corner struggling and with no idea which way is OUT.
Hi everyone, Rriinnaa, I promise you we all felt the same I
was dying without the closure, but to me finding this site and
all the other things that have magically opened my eyes have made me realize there isnt any closure with him, it has to be within yourself, you will come to grow out of this in ways you
cant imagine or even see right now it takes time and I use to
pray for time to pass I wouldve given my soul to stop feeling
the horrible pain you are in right now, its been 8 months for me and I am just starting to feel stronger..the devastation of
someone you love using you and tossing you away is like
being hit by a train its indescribable..and anyone who hasnt
been thru it cant understand it..Im so, so serious about
positive reinforcement and affirmations with yourself, you
might feel “nuts” at first but it will make you stronger, go join
a gym do whatever you have to do to pick yourself up and
above all love yourself..we all have boundry issues as another article said because we want the love and the
promises and the white picket fences…we were all in “some”
place in our lives that made us vunerable to these sick people….we cannot fix, them, teach, them, make them see or
feel the pain for what they have done they do not care…thats
why they are able to do what they do…I dont believe its
about cheating, not enough sex or being more attractive…it is all about power and possession..period. until we no longer
have what they want and they get bored and move on and that is the best way for you to get back at him..move on become a better you and dont let him ruin your life..its not easy as I said before…I dont know why any of us had to learn this lesson…maybe its just because it helps us grow in ways we wouldve never have been able to before…and trust me I wouldve loved to have skipped this lesson but I like where I am now I honestly do and I can read people much more clearly and Im loving myself above all so I cant be taken advantage of…when you heal a little more you will look back and remember those bright flashing red light warning signs and you will never again ignore your own gut instinct…..if you look up grievings 5 stages you will see that everything you are feeling is normal…you are not crazy, it just feels like it and it sucks but you will survive this!!!!
Free & Oxy Drover, Thank you both for the nice comments, I
havent written just because I felt as if I was on a roller coaster and I felt pretty unstable for a while, everyone knows what I mean, when I read rriinnaas i felt like i was brought back in time ..we all know that pain and that truly was the
worst…any way, I have lost alot of my friends thru this…I guess we all re-evaluate our lives thru this and decide whats
important and being around any form of negativity for me was not good for my head, I dont know why we get sent
lessons but I believe we get sent the same lessons in 1 form or not if we dont learn from them..I am 100% co-dependent,
every guy I have ever been with has some issue I believe I can fix..and I used to jump from 1 relationship to the
next..this time I am learning I havent even thought about it
(dating) I have been alone since he left only 8 months but a
milestone for me…and until I fix me I am not dating and yes
its lonely but if Im not comfortable alone then I will only invite
the same type of people back in and Im to tired to continue with drama so here I am healing….as we ALL ARE!!!
Dear Rriinna,
Yes, I say again and again and again, what you are feeling is NORMAL. Invigorated said it so well. YOU ARE JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY because you were used. You are angry at him for doing it, and angry at yourself for being vulnerable. It is natural to want to hurt the person or thing that hurts us. This phase will pass, as will the others, but it takes acertain amount of time–how much?—depends, but as long as it takes.
You can’t go around the pain, under or over, but must go through the pain. Many times people in a painful relationship when it is over go get another one right away in an effort to avoid doing through the pain, and they repeat and repeat and repeat the same painful bad relationships, just with different people.
Invigoraged is totally right, until we grieve the pain, come to see what caused it, we can’t grow. When my husband died I was so lonely and felt so horrible because I thought no one would ever want me again–and I was vulnerable to the first pschopath that came along–I almost screamed at him “I’m needy, pick me for your next victim”—and he did!
Sure, I would love to have another wonderful caring man in my life, but I don’t need another psychopath so will be very picky, and if I can’t have or can’t find the right man, I am perfectly comfortable alone, but not lonely. I think I am at 61, probably the “old lady” on this blog, and statisticly there is more chance of me findinga winning lottery ticket on the street than finding a “good man” that I would be interested in, there just aren’t the “numbers” availabe to pick from, but that statistical fact doesn’t panic me any more, and it DID for a while there, but if I can’t have the RIGHT man, I don’t want ANY wrong one!!!! But before I am not vulnerable to another psychopath I need to FIX ME. That’s what I am working on.
Dear rriinnaa,
When the pain shows up….and it does weekly for me….and I cry uncontrolably….I believe it is important to release it….did you know a thimbul-full of tears is so toxic if injested could kill you! It is like poison. So when the episode happens let the tears come don’t fight them. Think of it as a release and what I do is I tell myself something great. I do whatever it takes to feel good. As long as it is healthy! Today I spent hours trying on all the nice clothes in my closet. I haven’t been out lately and I miss wearing my good clothing! I promiss myself that I will go out more again…just taking baby steps.
It is work to get healthy again…and if you don’t do the work there is a catch 22 to all of this. Trust is an emotion that creates a hormone in your body that gives you that blissful feeling. That secure feeling you get after making love with a partner. There is actually a perfume called liquid trust…it comes in a bottle….The hormone is actually prescribable and can be useful in therapy for people like us… or other diagnosis ie people with aspbergers syndrome (mild form of autism).
So, for us, it is important to build trustful relationships again. You have to work on getting a life back! So after a good cry….take your life back every time! Think of healthy ways to claim yourself again!