Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
I have been “free” (divorced) from the evil man for two months, and he still haunts me. He still continues to try to have control over me even when he has none. I continue to get the scared feeling of “oh my god, I spent the last 14 years of my life with the devil”. I still sometimes don’t know what to do with that. He has lost his son forever, but his daughter still wants to think the best of him, but she is only 11, and will learn in time.
I read recently that there is a tendency to believe all people are really good deep down, but that this is so not true. These people prey on the goodness of people like us on this blog. We are all victims, and we all did nothing to deserve the hell we have been put through and continue to go through.
But I have to believe that we do have our lessons to learn, and maybe this was the only way we were going to learn that we have to always look out for ourselves and protect ourselves. We have to not let people use us for their own needs. We cannot be too trusting, we have to have boundaries.
I was so used and emotionally abused for so long that I completely forgot who I was – lost myself entirely. But I am back now – slowly, but surely we all come back to ourselves. It is such a long process, but it is one we have to undertake in order to claim our lives back.
I still get the feeling of disbelief come over me – the feeling of did this really just happen to me? Was I married to someone who never cared about me at all? The answer is a blaring “YES!” And it’s ok, because I have friends that care, family that cares, people that know the truth. I will not get involved with anyone again until I am completely healthy. This will take a long time, but I still do have faith in the goodness of MOST people in the world. Because, as we all know, we were just lucky enough to be involved with that small 1 to 4% of the population without a conscience.
Be strong everyone!
Wew, I’m taking deep breathes even though I’ve been analyzing everything that had occurred to me in the last 10 years. 10 years at the end of this summer started the destruction of my life as I knew it. My managers started manipulating me slowly, 1st sign was sending me to a managing my time course which had nothing to do with how I managed my time, had everything to do with them NOT doing a thing for their paycheck. But, I had to go or I was insubordinate. After my return my managers assigned another employee to work with me. Never told me, just did it. This co-worker did everything to sabotage me and take over my position. That said, I had to play the game of being super nice to him. Nothing worked though, totally against women … no help for this character. Next, another co-worker assigned to assist. Nice guy, but caught doing his home business on company business time. The big boss, loved this – having leverage. Case closed on this issue even those this 2nd co-worker was nice, had a great sense of humor (has my job to this date after the fall out). Such is life. After getting back from class about allocating my time, my bosses no longer talked with me. Talked down to me but not talking with me. Time to deligate some of my projects to the 2 co-workers. Big problem with co-worker 1, 2nd co-worker was cool about it. Trained him how to do. 1st co-worker running into my immediate boss’s office to complain and get new assignments how to sabotage me from my immediate supervisor. Several months pass, co-worker 1 (C1) is putting wrenches in any wheels that roll by him, co-worker 2 (C2) is working with me to get assignments tested, working bugs out, completed. Several months later, all the harassments starts from my bosses … sending me off to all the other bosses, all problems. My fiance was acting wonderful, best friend, totally supportive etc. by my side, me and him against my bosses destroying my career. Things happening in my life out of the ordinary, break in to my home, evidence stolen along with money, possessions etc., vehicle damaged on company property, trumped up charges never resolved, demoted, all my office equipment taken away and given to co-workers, working out of a box on the floor, given crummiest computer that kept crashing, transferred from one office to another, problems in every office, transferred again and again and again. Mind you, I’m not stressed because I know what they are doing … I just have to keep my cool because they are doing everything to get me to act out on insurboordination charges. Main question asked if I was the “mole”. Of course not. Now the question today is: was my EX working with my bosses to get me? It all went hand in hand so well. They destroying my career and he destroying my finances. Plus, their not in prison and he’s not in prison.
Enough said besides “the games they play”.
Wini,
Years and years ago I was the night nursing supervisor of a speciality hospital. The director of nurses, who was very good, moved on to a better job. The hospital was unable to find a replacement, and hired one of the “Clinicl managers” to take the DON position. She was not competent in that position (Peter Principle) and the Cllinical Manager she hired to replace herself in her old position was a Psychopath. The woman was UNREAL. She became the DON’s confidant and started her harassment of the middle management.
About six months after the new management change, half of the nursing staff from floor RNs to middle supervisors (llike me) left in one month. The rest of us sat there saying “surely the administrator will SEE what is going on” and stop this before it goes any further. We were using agency nurses to fill in the gaps because there were no speciality nurses available, care went into the pits and terrible mistakes were made in spite of what we could do.
Another six months went by and during that time the new and unsure of herself DON finally fired the PSYCHOPATH, but things were no better. Staff was short, and then things really went into a nose dive and the rest of us left over about 60 days. Only ONE NURSE who was there when I went to work for the place several years before stayed. She was the employee health nurse who had been there 20+ years and wasn’t really effected by all the crazy stuff.
It wasn’t long before the DON was fired, then the administrator was fired from Corporate headquarters, and the hospital facility SOLD. The entire speciality hospital was GONE because of one psychopath.
Looking back over it, I can only see ONE good thing that came out of it over all and that was that the special knowledge that we had working in that speciality was spread out to other facilities where it might have done some good. I know that the next job I had I used that specialty knowledge for the benefit of many patients on a non-speiality floor. I also took several of the RNs with me, several LPNs and several nurses aids that were wonderful to my new unit across town. I had the ONLY fully staffed unit in DAllas at the time because there was a critical nursing shortage in the mid 80s all across the nation. My unit was cited as having the best care in the LARGE and nationally known hospital that we worked for. I got to work for a lovely woman who was a great mentor and I learned so much from her.
One of the nicest things I think about nursing is that I have been able to have several different “careers” within that profession. EAch one has been a learning opportunity and the knowledge from each has been used extensively in the future clinical settings.
Each time that something has moved me on to another venue to work, and sometimes it was not because I wanted to move on, it was just the “luck of the draw” the next opportunity has been in retrospect a GOOD THING for me. When I quit the community mental health clinic where I worked (after finding out the manager was a psychopath–I had been warned before I took the job and did not listen–shame on me!) I took a career “step down” to a two-day a week charge nurse position in a mental health facilitiy of a large hospital–but that turned out to be a godsend as well, as this allowed me to spend 5 days a week at home with my husband the last year of his life, and to be there to take care of my beloved step father during his terminal illness—which time I TREASURE and enjoyed being with him with such “quality” time—so now I look back and I see that there was PURPOSE and GOOD in everything career wise that I went through. Each move taught me things, each job had learning opportunities, and the growth both personally and professionally that I got from each place I worked, each thing I learned was a benefit for me both personally and professionally. I still have a wonderful network of physicians, nurses, psychiatrists, social workers, and other speciality groups that I can call on personally or professionally any time I need it. People who have become friends, not just co-workers, and even the kids from the college where I was health director for four years, who are now physicians and lawyers themselves, keep in touch with me. The many of the staff at the college are my friends, and my x-boss from there though she is 1000 miles away from me and we haven’t seen each other in 7 years, she still calls me frequently and I call her, we will be life long friends.
I know your professional inquisition was a painful thing, believe me when I was at the specialty hospital and saw the entire hospital RUINED by one woman who was a psychopath, I cried, I ranted, I fumed, and there was nothing I could do, but now, I see that over a long career, I learned from these things, I moved on and in the end, there was GOOD came out of it.
It may be a while yet, but I think you too, will find that the pain and frustration that you went through will build strength in you, give you tools to work with in the future for your own career and your own personal growth. ((((BIG HUGS))))
Dear Oxi: Where I worked, as most of the companies where I live are all the same, they all sleep together. That makes the nucleus of any organization. Those currently sleeping with each other and those that slept with each other. They all date ech other and pass each other around. Now they are one. All united against everyone else. They are the center of everything and can rely on each other cause they are ex’s of each other. There in lies their bond with each other. Then they join ranks against all the unsuspecting newbies. I worked there for years, hung out with them after my divorce, went to all the parties, all the happy hours, all the baseball games, played on the team … yadda, yadda, yadda … then I told you the falling out I had in 1986 telling the boss over them … “Friends like you I don’t need any enemies”. Yeah, well you never tell a jerk, that they are a jerk, cause they are a jerk. Period. Well, they “the center nucleus” always got the promotions and the titles and the $$$$ and if they couldn’t do the work after the promotion, of course it got bounced back to me or whoever was doing the job. Still they kept the title, the promotion, the $$$$. I didn’t mind, I did my work, loved every minute being creative, kept me busy, but I wasn’t going to play their game, I do not play games with people’s minds and hurt people. I thought being a bull worker would have saved me … and it did for years … but when this nucleus of creatures took over the place they immediately anned all the decent bosses and went through the ranks “Good versus Evil” people. Kept the Evil ones and canned the Good ones. They got rid of all my bosses. Then I got transferred in to the Wicked Witch of the East’s fifdome. There was Wicket Witch of the North, South, East and West. Well, I got WW of the E. No big deal I could get along with everyone, even obnoxious personalities. I just had to try harder to understand how she really ticked. Actually, she was one of the first people I met when I started working there some 20 something years ago. But, WW of the E needed to get something on you (leverage) and she looked and looked and looked for something on me and couldn’t find it. So she made it up. So I counter played this stand. And the rest is history. I did tell you in a previous posting that I believed that I should have carried a bucket of water around with me … just in case I had to use it … “I’m melting, look at what you’ve done to my beautiful wickedness, ooooooooooohhhhhhhhmmmmmm”.
All these years I thought they made conscious decisions to do all this dastardly things to everyone. Good thing I logged on to this site, it’s an eye opener for sure.
Peace.
In my second year of nursing school, I had a Psychopath teacher, a woman. She hated men with a passion and would persecute them in some horrible ways—all her classes were graded SUBJECTIVELY rather than objectively (2+2=4) and the men were always flunking.
I wasn’t doing so well in the class myself (I’m too assertive for her) so I decided since I had to get through this course and another 2 semesters of her I better find out how she wanted her butt kissed and DO it. I did. You have never seen anyone GROVEL like I did and it worked. At the end of my second year though, I knew I would not be able to keep it up for another two years and there was an opportunity to transfer to another school and do a 5th year and get my Nurse Practitioner Degree as well as my BS so I transferred.
A couple of years after I left she got brought up before the dean for sex discrimination in grading different for men than for women. She was a sneaky one for sure. My friend, F, that was a year ahead of me in school who already had an MBA before he started nursing school, she stressed him almost to the MAX–THIS GUY IS BRIGHT and she had him babbling because he had to get through her classes and NOTHING he did pleased her, but she kept on smiling and “being so nice” while she turned the knife and drove it further in.
He and I still talk about her and her name is anathema in all nursing circles by everyone who knows her. Unfortunately she is still there teaching the last I heard.
I have learned though, that if a psychopath who is really bright gets “after you” they are cagey and can bring you down no matter what you do to defend yourself. Many times the “whistle blower” is the one punished instead of the psychopath, it’s a shame, but it is a fact of life. Sometimes it isn’t worth the hassle and it is easier and less stress to just “move on” to another place to work. I’ve been fortunate with nursing that I never had more than 24 hours pass when I was unemployed and didn’t want to me. Usually I stepped up in pay and satisfaction by moving.
these posts were a while ago, I hope everyone has healed from the pain expressed here. I felt it all, experienced it all. As far as “how could he say he loved me, etc.” I think they are good at getting themselves to half believe their own lies, though the P I knew once made a joke about sitting next to a woman on a bus and having a fantasy of feelign her up and saying “di duv du” (sick, yes), so it showed he had the concept of saying loving things to manipulate women, but I think he half believed them, but knew it wouldn’t last, but enjoyed the high as he would enjoy any drug high, knowing the crash will come. And the crash is fine for him, because love from a woman draws forth cruelty in him, and he enjoys being cruel too, so there is another high for him. I am finally at peace, ready to get him out of my brain. I realized that I didn’t “lose” , I wasn’t “abandoned” or “rejected”, I actually got all he has to offer, which is nothing but a hook up. I didn’t miss out on the lottery of love! I didn’t do anything wrong. He treats every woman this way, even the one he told me was the love of his life, after he de-promoted me. LOL! Just as I automatically think “how can I help”, he automatically thinks “what is in it for me?” The cruelty isn’t to hurt others as much as it is to give him a high. In otherwords, as weird as it sounds, I no longer take his very personal actions and sexual actions against me …personally! It all had almost nothing to do with me. I know there was a time that would have pained me, now it gives me relief. It was never about me. It was all about him. I thought I was special since he has known me 40 years, but I really wasn’t special at all. Just another woman to love bomb and dump. But once I realized it was not about me, all the “what ifs” disappeared. The pain too! And ironically, the anger. He is bad, no doubt about it, but all I can do is stay away, scare him away (not too hard to do) and warn others. I’ve done the best job of that that I can, and it is time to stop spending another single second thinking about him, though I will probably still post from time to time. But I think I will be thankful (this is Thanksgiving) that this is the last day that I think about him for more than a few minutes. Hurray!
Justhealed
I too think about him as you do because I care ! However he is not thinking about me only in how he will survive the next few moments. It’s sad! But also poiniont that you spend your life scamming people ! Do you expect to have a family left or friends or anyone who cares about you NO! We are the week! The careing The Lovers of life! They are only takers that cannot understand! It is better to give than to recieve!
I personally think it is a primal instinct to survive all Biet a Game! to them that they will not lose except that they have to lose in the end! For they cannot keep what they seek! LOVE JJ
This is an oldie but goodie. The “tipping of the hand.” Mine did that multiple times in the beginning, but I kept going because I was hooked on the fantasy. Never again!
rriinnaa
Reading all your rants helped me today…I know they are from a while back but I am consumed with thoughts of revenge still….. nightmares have finally stopped…2 nights nightmare free..though I am thinking about him on opening my eyes…not lovey dovey crap that I used to feel, but now its where is he, what is he doing….its like I can still feel his movements…It feels like I can sense what he is doing (Hypervigilance) even though he is in another country….IT’S CRAZY…..friends do not get it…I feel like a psychic stealth missile…it’s operating unconsciously..has a mind of its own and I do not know where it will end…hopefully re-investing all this precious energy back into MY LIFE
alohatraveller
I love your conviction that to try and get “justice” or “revenge” or even money back IS TO STAY ENGAGED TO HIM AND THAT’S WHAT HE LOVES TO PLAY WITH…it’s life saving information and you say it so well…he gets to suck your energy as long as you are in any kind of contact…and this is what he gets off on…playing with your STUPIDITY…
people do not get it…those who know and those who dont…
Betrayed
So true!!!!!! ‘all he has left in his life is his mother and girlfriend of the month…hee hee oh how satisfying to say it!!
Trishnj
‘Playing songs over and over for you’ felt a cold chill as often I would sit in the car feeling a total prisoner to “his Music” which was so embarrasingly psychopathic…the most cold, hard metal you could imagine with growling screeching grown men screaming about revenge and monsters and fighting and battles …the attitude to women in the lyrics of the songs? chilling…”bitches” and “poison” and I sit there thinking…well I guess a really nice guy has to “balance ” it out and this is how he expresses darker side…Duh!
For me I had only ever known psychopath behaviour so the “red flags” were “normal behaviour”…especially since i believed that “there was something wrong with me, and what i see does not happen or exist”.
So it was pretty hard to pick the red flags until i got to my fifties. Then, being stomped on for the billionth time I dragged myself along the ditch, held my head up and there before me:
was LF!
And here i still am. Still in trouble, still desperately trying to survive, but still alive and with one person who really loves me. The only one who EVER has: My youngest son. Even though he has had a gut full of seeing my pain, he still doesn’t want me dead.
So thats a good thing.