Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
correction in post, The doctor he plays Golf with not, gold. LOL
Dear Bible Annie,
Only people who WANT to change, who humble their hearts can be changed. God is not going to Zap goodness into someone who WANTS to do evil.
Psychopaths use masks or cloaks to hide their evil. They are WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING and Jesus warned the apostles that they would come into the CHURCH itself. False prophets. The Pharisees that Jesus confronted were the most outwardly “holy” of the Jewish people, yet they were psychopaths ripping off widows and orpahns while pretending to be “good” He warned us that they are like the tombs, whitewashed and beautiful on the OUTSIDE and full of rotten men’s bones INSIDE.
Jesus warned us to look at a tree’s FRUIT (in other words, BEHAVIOR) and we could see if the tree was good or evil.
I unfortunately have dealt with that exact same cloak and once you see through the fabric and see what it is hiding, only then can you realize that Jesus also said that we should DISTANCE ourselves from these people , and St Paul said DON’T EVEN EAT WITH THEM. If that is not what we call “NO CONTACT” here I do not know what is.
We must “forgive them” but that does NOT mean that we ALSO have to TRUST them. Read the story of Joseph who was sold into Egypt, he forgave his brothers before they showed up in Egypt, but he TESTED them severely before he would TRUST them again.
The church and piety are great cloaks that people hide behind while they do their evil. They may pretend to repent, but it is only WORDS, not changed or sincere behavior.
Keep in mind that real repentence shows a CHANGE that is more than words! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
OxyDrover
Heres’ just one of “a whopper of a lie” that S pulled about 2 years ago.
He took a job working for a motorcycle dealership as the service manager. Immediately, he fired a technician who had been there for 20 years because according to S he was threat to him. S claimed he was going around sniffing and medeling where he shouldn’t have. S said the kicker to firing him was because this man had gone into his computer and was snooping around looking for payroll information. S said that he knew this because the next morning he went to log onto his pc and a page was displayed where he beleived this man was looking at private company stuff.
So, he fired this man. Personally I couldn’t believe he would do that without any proof. I believe my S set this man up.
Then as time progressed I would bring his lunch to hiim every day (a 20 mile drive) he loved this. He would sit back in his chair and just gloat in front of the guys (techs). They all were like a little army working for him. He even in front of me one day had all his guys do their daily work out session. They all got on the floor doing push ups and so on. It was like they were hypnotized, very bizzare.
Eventually he encourage them all the use his office computer and space to take breaks and hang out. Many times I would walk in and see them hoverd over his pc and when they saw me, they would get uncomfortabe. S would brag to me how he loved having them all under his wing to mentor them. WELLLLL, guess what I did, I swear I knew I was taking a big risk. S controlled all the computers in the department. Each guy had one of their own but S loved it when they all gathered in his office and used his pc. Guess why?????
It was cover for his own deviant, sick perverted lusts. He set them all up, just in case someone might find something on his pc questionable. That way, the upper management wouldn’t know who was going to these sick sites . I know this becuase I managed to get a very slim chance to be at his work while he was outside handling a customer and I installed a keylogger on his pc at work. Yes, I know it was wrong, but I was desperate. I did know that his pc was not hooked into the intranet structure.
The very next day, I saw the pc logs that were emailed to me and about fell off my chair. S always, alwasys went to work about 1 or two hours earlier than anyone and he often boasted about what a hard worker he was, the first one there every morning.
The log showed the times, pictures, websites visited everything. My dear sweet S was going to sites that were very distrubing. He contolled these guys to perform by promising them a trip to a “perverted pigs club” , that’s what I call gentlemens clubs anyway. This was how he manipluated these young guy techs to crank out work.
So, I eventually confronted him and had to become sociopathic to get around his evil ways. After he fired that man of 20 year, he told me that this man threatened his life, that he should watch his back cause he just ruined his. I was scared for myself. S didnt seem at all phased by this mans “so called” threats. That’s when I installed the program on his pc at work.
So, I told S that I was tipped off about things on his pc and that was given a print out of his activities by some unknown in our mailbox. It was thhe only way I thought I could expose him for what he was to be manipulative myself. When I showed him these papers of his activity, I suggested that this man might have been getting his revenge. S was like, no way, that’s impossible. The next morning, S went to work even earlier than ususal. Came home that night and told me that there wasn’t anything on his pc. Sure, he just went in there and erased all traces Im sure. He denied it forcefully that it was not him. How could I ever imagine or accuse him of such a thing, blah, blah blah. Well, about 1 month later, my s came home early, crying and told me he was fired. I asked what for, he told me that they accused him of fraud. Of course it was an honest mistake, he was just trying to help a friend out with warranty stuff.
And…there are hundreds more if this sort of sick deceit and this is all in just four years that I have known him.
Dear Bibleannie,
It is obvious he is a LIAR, and that is what Ps do, LIE, LIE LIE. They ARE THE LIE!
What you did with the key logger in my opinion is justified and do not feel bad about doing it. You caught him red handed obviously.
Also the “helping a friend out with his warranty” was obviously STEALING from the company by getting them to do warranty work for free that was NOT justified. STEALING is stealing, any way you look at it.
Your X is a THIEF, a LIAR, and a DIRTY PICTURE ADDICT. So we know he doesn’t have any love for the Lord, because the Lord says that Satan is the FATHER OF ALL LIARS. Just as you try to follow your heavenly father’s plan for your life, your X is following HIS “father” Satan’s plan for his life—of lies and lust and theft. His heart is “hardened” against God, and his “mask” of pretending to be good makes him a Wolf in sheep’s clothing. Get away and STAY away from him. No matter how he jfools others, YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. GOD KNOWS THE TRUTH, and even if others don’t know the truth and won’t listen to the truth, or buy into his “i’m sorry, I’m changing” lies, stick to your guns. You don’t need others to validate the truth for it to be true. By its fruit you will know if a tree is good or evil. Your X is raining down a whole crop of ROTTEN FRUIT. ((((HUGS)))) and God bless you is my prayer.
Bibleannie:
He acts like a common sociopath! And unfortunately, his actions are not shocking to me….(I am hardened)
DO NOT separate yourself into a ‘higher’ status with him……YOU are being used the same way as his tech crew….
Your his front, your his out.
I LOVE THE KEYLOGGER deal…..GOOD FOR YOU!
You doubted and you proved! No questions now huh? Sometimes, when we feel deceit we need to uncover the truth ourselves…..for our own confirmation
I am sure you have done other things to uncover who HE is…..and it won’t be the last covert thing you do…..I assure you! Do it with NO GUILT…..
Recon warriors stand tall!!!!
Decide what you need to do to make a successful out…..
and move in that direction!
In the meantime, your gonna have to keep your ‘inner sociopath’ close for protection!
YEs….Please delete your history and cookies after each log off….you DO NOT want him locating what you are doing on the computer!
OxDrover,
Oh believe me, I want to very much. It will take some time because in the past 4 years, he has sabatoged three jobs I had by constantly calling me at work interrupting my time with clients. My bosses would get exasperated and I would end up leaving to another place only to have the same thing over and over. He has ruined my credit history. 4 years ago I bought my very own new car. It was repoed within a year because he behind my back took money out of bank to catch up his truck payments, it was a snowball effect.
Now I am not working, the car I do drive he has it fixed so that the company he works for holds the title for it so it’s really just a loaner car. Now, my son is moving back here which is wonderful, and my S told yesterday that he was so happy that he was so he could become very good friends with him. Shudders went up my spine.
My s corrupts people.
Anyway, after we come back from Fla. for Thanksgiving to visit his folks, I do plan on finding a job out of town so he can’t stop by just anytime. I insisted he open his own bank account with Woodforest cause they overlook your banking history. He did reluctantly, I told him that we needed to give my account a rest and get it straightened out. He wansn’t happy about it but did it after I calmly explained that it would good to give my account a rest.
So, I am already getting the plan in motion.
Bibleannie:
I am gathering your son is older….and this man is not his father….
Is your son close with YOU?
IS he aware of the S’s behaviors…..
Does he like the s?
ANy chance your son could be corrupted by the s?
This statement was a heads up….the same thing the thing I married (s) would do….he always offered me a ‘heads up’. Don’t take that lightly!
Think about this? If there is any chance your son would fall for it…..I would try to avoid bringing him into the mix!
Dear BibleAnnie,
Good girl! Because he will continue to cause you problems. You also may need to set a STRICT boundary about him comign by or calling your work, and tell him that you will NOT stand for it again. Don’t SAY what you will DO, just stomp your pretty little foot and make him know you MEAN IT. No specific threats, let him WONDER what you will do, but you need to tell him I AM SERIOUS.
Good luck, and keep your money safe from him don’t even let him know how much you make. Get a post office box if you can and have your mail, bank statement etc. sent THERE rather than to your home. Or to a friend’s house. Get a safe deposit box at a bank also and keep ALL IMPORTANT PAPERS in there so that if you must leave suddenly that you will have everything with you. Have the bank with the safe deposit box also send mail to your PO box, not at home, so he can’t find it.
Good luck!
Wow! What can I say …I was just passing thru after having read the sociopath next door…it was so fascinating that I wanted to know more about this disease…with that said let me tell you how much my heart hurts for all of you..
I have had the broken heart that hurt just like so many of yours I recognize it..even though mine was not at the hands of a S just your normal charming snake..but I have been looking at sites about seperation anxiety and some of you write about pain that sounds very much like this disorder so please look into this..I am wondering if in your cases that these snakes haven’t caused the seperation anxiety or was it there before them and they recognized it with their evil genuis…and someone wrote of the hormone that gives you the same fealing as love and I had just read last night on another site that they are looking into giving this to people to heal the pain and longing of a broken heart..that would be wonderful I think…I also hear a lot of you discrediting yourself but assuming that these other women in the lives of these creatures are loved more than you where..please quit beatingyourself up…I don’t believe thats true you all sound absolutely wonderfull…I think you are doing this to torture yourselves..don’t please you have all been tortured enough..please go to ask.com and look up generalized anxiety and also yourpersonality.net I believe u might glean some info that you can use to heal…I also found out that both xanex and methadone can create the same chemicals that oxtocin the love drug produces..so it might help..
Having know a man like these before pleaes remember if He sounds too good to be true then he is! Normal men aren’t that charming, and they dont offer you the world as soon as they meet you…prince charming is just a normal somewhat boring guy…keep that in mind…and don’t fall for the rush into relationship thing..when people hurry you along it is only for one reason ever they are trying to get something by you and that holds true for everything in life…you say these guys use tv to mimic emotions they dont have well maybe you should do the same…watch tv study how real men act…just plain old normal men..husbands..good guys…I know they arent as exciting but I think you’ll be happier…and for OxDrover please dont keep that attitude…go to a christian dating site and you will have no problem finding a kind christian gentleman your age..my mother in law ended up with several suiters in her seventies by doing this and picked a nice wonderfull man named Richard who wanted to spend the rest of his life in the same manner has her and she is very happy..For the rest of you who are in agony please go to those sites I suggested..for someone reaason I started fealing better once I realized that some of what I was really fealling had nothing to with the bad ex…chemicals and irrational thoughts is what they are…study it…and please all of you stay away from bad men…you dont need closure take satisfaction that not hearing from you at all is a huge blow to his ego and that is the one things these creaps do have….with that said thank you so much for givng me a glimps into how horrable these monsters are…Iwont foget it and I’m gonna be watching for them…please know that somene in Missour U.S thinks you are all wonderful human beings…you just got sucked in by someone who wasnt human…my prayers are with you all..hang in there…and remember real men arent exciting at all…….Love you all…
Dear Carrolls10,
Glad you stopped by! Thank you for your post! Thanks for the suggestion about the on-line “dating site” but I think I will pass on the internet dating! I’ve known too many people who got hooked up with fakes on it. Unfortunately, too many bad guys mask behind “Christianity”—so I will just wait til I meet someone in real life that I can take some time and get to know, or if no one shows up, that’s okay too! No longer feeling “needy” or wanting someone to “rescue” me from being single, I am quite happy really, and in the meantime, I’m actually doing pretty well! But thanks an yway, I am glad SOMEONE got a good one off the net or anywhere for that matter! I had a great one once, but you know, they don’t grow on trees, and are a bit rare! But that’s okay!
Again, glad you stopped by and hang around and read some articles, there is some great stuff here. I think the beating ourselves up is part of the healin process and we don’t usually stay in it for too long! ((((hugs)))) and God bless.