Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
If I’d only known then what I know now I might have figured it out.
Poor Pollyanna here had NO IDEA what one of these was/is or how to recognize them.
And, although I tried to find out, the info has not been easy, in fact it seems specifically to be impossible to find out. In addition to the homework I did and a few others, what turns out to be true is not even professionals have the ability to sus this one out.
So I took things as they were happening from the premise that he was truthful, not that he was not truthful and by damn he had good answers. Even when I questioned him directly. And I did question him directly. maybe I didn’t run it all down as far as I could have, but in the heat of the moment, the answers seemed believeable and authentic.
On this case, I’d have had to know the answers first. And if I had known the profile I understand now, I probrably would have stepped away.
There is no turning back from the path I’ve taken. He writes beautiful love letters. He says all the right things. Whenever I feel weak, I go look at the dialog still visible on the web between him and other women to whom he swore those same words of endearment. I know too much to turn back now.
The battle for my future is ON and I won’t give it up without a fight. I won’t go back. I can’t. He’s fired. He is not legally my husband. He is not my lover. He is not my friend. What’s to think about?
I really wish there was a way to have known before I had the experience. Because after the experience, its impossible to understand.
Why in the blue HELL don’t they teach about these guys and women too in psychology 101 or high school health?
How will anyone next ever know what might be out there?
All there is, is to walk away shaking your head and wondering what was up with all that?
Silver, I can relate to the whole Pollyanna thing and I’m pretty sure it came from my mother, who has recently received the boot from my life.
Erin,
I don’t know that I can attribute anything about just having no clue about this kind of person to anything but never having learned about them.
Its not to say now, that I can’t see that I have been in other toxic relationships but I couldn’t characterize them before.
I have been and suffered miserably without understanding it wasn’t ALL me.
My part in it was to be there and allow it instead of kicking the thing to the curb.
Now, I know better. I know what to call it and I know what to look for. And I have strategies in place to slow myself down and use more than my intutition to make the decision about engaging in a relationship.
I understand that I conceived some pretty permeable boundaries as a young woman because of the emotional crap that went on around being in an alcohol driven household.
It created some results that in turn provided the self image and the inclination to fill in the story for him and back down from confrontation that he used to TARGET me.
All those dynamics have changed thirty years down the road and we’ve all done work to try to come back from the awful years. My A parent has been years in recovery and now is my most supportive family member. They understand how hard it is to break away from this thing. Together, we ae working through som HUGE life lessons around the past and reprocessing it all.
But that work fills the days of a lifetime and this is another lesson in it.
I don’t hold anyone responsible for his lies except him. He did it. Even if I loved the man I thought he was, I will let him stew in his own juice now that he is discovered. Not MY problem.
What I take away from this is a lot of information that truly I wish I’d seen before and knew before I met him. But, the way things are is the way things are.
All I can do NOW is make the decisons to find my strength, apply it to healing and LET GO of the toxic relationship.
Sure, its easier said than done in a lot of moments but its what said which bears repeating over and over. And saying such that it translates into action and accountability for that action.
The action grows out of my core values- the things I really believe in. And to get in touch with those, I had to make my own personal Declaration of Independence.
“truths which are self evident: the right to liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”
If you haven’t read it lately, the Declaration of Independence carries as much truth, wisdom and power now as it did in 1776.
Ring YOUR LIBERTY BELL and set yourself free of the toxics.
I know you can and that the sound of it, will be as sweet as it will be joyful.
And like in the Christmas Children’s Story Polar Express in which only those who still believe in Santa can hear, all of us will hear YOUR bell ring and know the sound of it to be something WE all believe in.
Silver-all I know is that for some reason I am a huge target for these people and I am trying to figure out what made me this way. I have been odds with both my parents for most of my life. My dad was a Marine and super strict, somewhat tyrannical and scared me as a child. His job also required constant travel so he was away much. My completely smothered me as the oldest daughter,so controlling, was always punishing me and using religion to try to dominate and control me but she was a big time Pollyanna and I now refer to her as Peter Pan living in Never Neverland. She is so obscessed with religion that it’s all she can talk about and is completely out of touch with reality. EVerytime we talk or spend time together it results in fighting with me in tears. She has never understood one day in my life. They both also fought so much that I prayed for divorce and they stayed together for the kids. I used to referee their fights to prevent them from becoming violent. It was always me protecting my younger sibs from that. I am just searching and searching for the reason that I am like this. What the hell is wrong with me?
I had a nervous breakdown two years in to it and at the height of him dropping his fascade…..I now look back and know it was my brain trying to make sense of the mixed messages and trying to make me take heed at what I was basically putting to the back of my mind. Was having alot of anxiety dreams too.
Erin,
Our stories are not exactly the same, but they are very, very much alike.
There is a lot back there is the rear view mirror.
I guess I look now and say yeah, that’s all stuff that happened. But I don’t have to make any new decisions based on those events.
I have the right to pursue happiness and methinks, I will excercise it.
First by choosing slowly and carefully
second by letting go of the the story about me that now longer fits. I am not defined by what has frightened of hurt or bettrayed. I am defined by my own accomplishments and my own decisions and third by taking care of my problems instead of adopting other people’s.
And that, is just the begining…..All I can do is the best I can. Starting NOW.
Yes its still confusing to try to make sense of what has happened. Yes it is hard to let go of my feelings which were real.
But if I refer to the facts, it just doesn’t add up. And in love, live all other things there has to be a balance that adds up. Because things really are the way they are and that equations says A=A.
So I just goT a letter and thought it would be an excercise is SPATH speak-
From jail he writes that he is sorry for everything except marrying me and that just about knocks me over because he was already married and he sat right in front of me pursuing other women on line.
The idea that he needs me is pretty clear. He is not employed not likely to be and the desire for a safe , warm place from which to conduct his activities is a supply fix.
The desire for physical contact is self explanitory, That’s how the trap is set.
What mitigates this? The same workds could be written from an honest and decent person who ACTIONS supported them.
Were it possible to find out that all of the things he said were true and it appears that may be, the issue is what did he do?
Did he do the things a good choice would have done and the answer to that based on HIS actions is no. Not even close.
Dear Silvermoon,
Isn’t it interesting that he “married” you when he was ALREADY married? LOL NOT! But at least it will help you get lose legally.
Yep, S-pathole speak! From Jail No less. I have a foot locker full of letters written to me from jail and prison! So this can be the first of your collection, let’s hope he is in the joint long enough to write you -foot-locker’s full!
As I face divorce after a 21 yr marriage, I recall the warning signs and why I did not heed them.
Push-pull mixed signals. He looked at me with attraction, but when I asked to sit next to him on the bus, he turned indifferent.
When we got engaged, the ring would accidentally scrape against his hand, and he’d attack me, blame me for hurting him, and have an exaggerated pain reaction. It was HIS ring! He was not sweet and gentle lookign to find a solution to this, like let’s switch sides walking, or how about smooth over the ring edges, or take it off. Repeatedly, I felt mortified by his attacks.
Went to a concert, buying a drink, I wanted a small coke, and he insisted I should get a large and share it, and when I said no thanks, he freaked out like I was dense not to see his brilliant point and agree. I had a horrible time, and on drive back home, he sped in the car maniacally, scaring me to death, and I felt totally trapped and victimized. But somehow, I am sure I found a way to blame myself. And the risk of speaking up was too great. I did not want to lose the relationship. I had no friends/family/home in a new country, and did not want to go back home, where I escaped after a traumatizing sexual assault and oppressive family. I was between a rock and a hard place, and I picked being quiet in the hard place.
When baby came, his raging was regular. Punchign holes in walls, calling me “queen of s**t” and other names, shaking fist in my face threatening to bash my face in. Hello! Were these subtle red flags? I think not. But where was I going to go with a new baby, a refugee mom out of a war, having no job to support the three of us–mom, baby, me? So I stay put and hoped for the best.
Ox,
If it turns out that he was telling the truth with his wild stories and it looks like it might do I go back and reevaluate his behavior?
Um, I don’t think I can look at what he did any other way- even if it turns out that the lies he spoke of both omission and comission were intended to cover up what I have since learned by his being hauled off.
This is where the mind f*.* really feels creepy.
I guess the letter says gee, sex feels good. Vacation was fun. Can we do it again. Oh by the way will you send girlfriend’s contact info- I can’t remember them all in my head….
But that part that bothers me is what turned out to be true when I was about to walk away believeing it wasn’t.
Bottom line, I will never be happy checking out to see if dirt is brown or blue.
But its all really creepy now.
History of violence not possible to obtain.
I can not assert that there is any reason to sustain where he is without spending gobs of money I don’t have so I think that situation is only temporary.
This mistake is going to be expensive no matter how it goes.
That is a warning all women should know about.
Either we pay the lawyers up the wazoo to get away from it or we;re going to pay the movers or both. There is no simple route out once you get hooked in.
Eew.