Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
bev; i thank you for writing, and yes i hear you that our experiences are very similar.i do feel like things are getting better i am not getting hurt cause of not seeing or being in contact with him. so that is a plus. i also feel a little bit better each day. but do have bad days like all of us do . i also feel sorry for his new partner and i think things will go wrong eventually, he cant help himself and his past tends to catch up with him. i am trying to be brave and thanks for saying that. you are so right they choose very carefully they choose good woman trustworthy woman. i just dont want this experience with him to stunt me, i want to achieve more things in life and grow in different ways. i hope you are doing well, after everything i send you good wishes. i know and agree with everything you just said. thank you .
oxd; thank you for that i thought the forgiveness was for us not them so i understand. mine also likes to pretend to be friends with exs i think to use us as well. i am still trying to get him out of my mind its slow. i was married once to an alcoholic and now i think he was a s path too, it took me a long time to forgett about him but i did, so i keep remembering i did it before i can do it again. so i will work on not being bitter. i hope when i bump into my ex i have a big spunky new man with me i think that will help, just joking would be good though. i know if i do see him he will try to be friendly also like your s did. why would i want to be friendly with him after all he did to me. thanks again for your support ox d.
rriinnaa,
I intended to answer your post yesterday but had difficulty getting online. Welcome.
The people on this post DO UNDERSTAND your feelings, most of us have BEEN THERE…sometimes for years and years, sometimes for shorter periods of time, but the Ps sunk their hooks into us. Our friends as a general rule didn’t understand either, and one thing I quickly learned was that talking to people who have not experienced such a “hook” themselves, they just don’t “get it”–this is not a “normal’ break up. We are solidly HOOKED, with the hook not just in our lip like afish that can be unhooked and released back into the water virtually unharmed, but SWALLOWED WHOLE, down into our “guts” where taking it out leaves great painful wounds.
You have come to a place of healing and learning and learning and healing, support, comfort and empathy. You are most welcome here. ((((hugs)))))
Been there done that:
“But I fear maybe their life will be the wonderful one that he promised me. I miss the fantasy and can’t seem to grasp that it was a lie today.
Anyone else go through this?”
I definitely felt that I had been promised a long-term relationship even though it was all fantasy on his part.
I also felt envious of the other woman (his godson’s mother) when I found out that he had taken her on family vacations and family functions while I stayed home.
I work in the same office as my S. and I often overhear him on the phone with his female friends. I still feel envious of them and resentful that he took so much of my time and empathy and crushed the hope that I had for a future together.
I realize that I don’t want to be part of the life that he has, but I hate thinking that he really didn’t love me at all and only used me financially, sexually and emotionally. I hate that he will replace me so easily. I am going to have a difficult time trusting another man after what I have been through.
There are some very good articles on Cyberpaths/EPOC which explain very clearly how we were hoodwinked and how understandable that was. I still ‘kick myself’ on occasions, but I never knew about predatory people with personality disorder and not being of the manipulative type, it would not have occured to me. Having been brought up in London, I would say that I am quite savvy and there arent many people who get one over me and I do not naively trust people. I am kicking myself, because whilst he was confusing me, I was reacting to it, like under a magician’s spell. He wasnt particularly intelligent, but I have to acknowledge his effects on human behaviour – like the way he regulated his ‘presence’ to make himself look (important and wanted)like the prize – very clever. OxD I enjoyed reading your article about your observations on animal behaviour – very interesting. I am counting my lucky stars that I only gave him a year of my life, but it has been more because of the healing time.
Yes hummingbird, I am going through that one. I just posted recently how I had gotten over him, then I find myself taking steps backwards, thinking about him. Then I thought today, why am I still thinking about him – it is because he made himself out to be that special person that he was going to be there for me. But it was all words, words without action. Just looking on EPOC, there is an article about betrayal and I think we all share that particular hurt as being the worst. But not all men are predators, I am not going to fling myself into a relationship so readily if I have another, I will be going at it very very slowly remembering that the damage that can be done in a short space of time takes alot of healing.
Beverly,
The more I think about animal behavior, social structures, how they are trained by humans, or resist training, the status within a social group of animals and how it is maintained and established, etc. the more I see that HUMANS have some of these same ways of interacting–we may wear clothing instead of hair, but a good many things are biologically important and we don’t really think about it. Sexual attraction is one of those things–body shape, and apparent good health, etc. are all “attractive” in a sexual way for an evolutionary purpose–procreation.
I’ve read some interesting things on WHY a young woman is more “attractive” to me than us older gals (if sex is basicly all the guy is looking for, but even if he is seeking a companion/mate as well) Their bodies give off the “attractiveness” of FERTILITY or at least hte appearnace of it.
The “sexual addiction” that seems to be part of many P’s operating system, with multiple women, etc. would go along with an evolutionary way of spreading his genes to as many women as possible. The deception he uses to accomplish this I think is a learned way of accomplishing what is geneticly encoded. With no conscience and no or little “bonding” to women, he is free to persue his evolutionary destiny of spreading his genes.
So I think the genetics and the environment work together in the Ps, and those of us that “bond” to other humans BOND to them and their deceptions, find the sexuality attractive, and bonding, and boom! We are HOOKED up to a P emotionally and he moves on, leaving us devestated. Our genetic, plus our learning and bonding make us the perfect victim/volunteers so we aren’t just “fighting” “good sense” we are fighting our own genetic programming as well. We are having to go counter intuitive to our biological conditioning to bond. We know it is painful (and we see the red flags and convince ourselves they aren’t significant) but because we are so strongly bonded, we stay and stay and stay. The same way that a “chemically dependent” addict stays with the substance even though it costs them in all sorts of ways—the highs are SO GOOD that in order to keep them they would endure any LEVEL OF LOW. We are bonded/addicted to the Highs that the Ps provide and we will go through almost ANY level of lows just on the chance to have another “high”–and they keep holding out the S#it-covered carrot (as Aloha says) and we keep reaching for it—no matter how bad it stinks.
OxDrover and Beverly:
It is like an addiction to these Ps. They manipulate us and make empty promises that we just keep believing.
It felt better having a significant other that had issues than to not have anyone in my life. I even accepted his explanation that this woman that went on his vacation was just a close friend of the family. He just conveniently forgot to mention that she was was with him on the cruise.
Omission of that information is the same as lying at least to me.
Getting over the control that he had over me has been difficult. Since I see him at work daily, I have to try to get along professionally but remain detached personally.
The highs were great. We vacationed together every summer for the past four years, mainly with me picking up the tab. He seemed very caring and loving but he had a lot of cell phone calls even when we were away.
All the times on weekends when he claimed that his grandchildren were visiting and not to call, I am sure that he was entertaining the other woman. I would rather he just told me that he was interested in someone else and let me go than maintain two or maybe more relationships. Why do they feel this is necessary except as an ego boost?
Hummingbird,
First I think it is the sexual addiction to have as big a “harem” as he can accumulate. My X-BF had a wife for 32 yrs, he also had one mistress for 8 yrs, another one in another town, off and on for 5 yrs, etc etc and anytime he could get a “freebie” he was on it like a cat on a mouse.
Of course he used his “mariage”to stall all these women off from a committed relationship–“Yes, I love you dear, but I just couldn’t leave old Sue,….it would hurt her too bad…” PUKE
Then after “Sue” dumped him after finding out for sure about the other women, he rushed to the 8-yr mistress and she had moved on, gotten a “full time BF” and didn’t drop the BF for the P, so he was FURIOUS that she h ad “insulted” him. Go figure! So, he immediately came after me with the big RUSH, and I fell for it. I casually knew the X-GF through my living history group but not well, until after my split from the P.
I was able to fill in the blanks and get the “whole picture” mostly after the fact, but found out about all the story as X-GF did know about the other women, etc. in fact, she knew many of them. So at least AFTER the fact, I did get the whole story and I think that helped me disconnect from him. I still wanted (and want) what I thought we had, but I know it is NOT POSSIBLE WITH HIM. When I saw him the other night and the anger welled up, at the balls of him coming into my TERRITORY and then having the guts to speak to me….made me paranoid since I know he burned the X-GF’s house and I woldn’t put it past him to do nasty stuff to me either, as I definitely gave him Narcissistic “Injury” when I kicked him to the curb. It was not a pretty sight. (Or sound)
I knew his x-wife casually too, and had some long interesting conversations with her about him. She had known I was dating him. She knew a few of his GFs as well, and several other women he is just “friends” with via the living history group but has not had “relationships” or sex with them. The wife thought these women were also “mistresses” but they weren’t (and I know that for a fact).
Whoever he traps for his “respectable” wife or live-in GF will just be there for making a “home” for him, and waiting on him hand and foot when he isn’t off tapping his harem. He will be generaous with money with her (he was with all his GFs except me and I REFUSED to accept his “gifts”) because I like my financial independence and don’t want to feel that someone is “buying” me. Just a quirk of my “raising.”
I’m actually glad that he lives far away and I haven’t run into him except one time at an event and Iknew he would be there so was prepared…this not being prepared and him showing up shocked the crap out of me and threw me into defensive mode with plenty of paranoia.
After the situation last year with the Trojan Horse P stalking me with the intention of killing me, I was VERY scared, terrified in fact, and so am a bit “skittish” around known Ps that I know are capable of violence and revenge. I guess I am sort of like the wildebeaste that barely escaped the lion, any time I see a lion I either go into fight or flight. If I can’t flee, I am prepared to turn and stand my ground, and I won’t go down wihtout a fight.
OxDrover:
I think that you are right about the Ps wanting or needing to accumulate of harem. I guess that way they have something to fall back on if one of their girlfriends gets wise. Did it do you any good talking to any of these women? I need to know if the godson’s mother is aware of his philandering.
My P has four godchildren and is very involved with all four godmothers. They call him for advice or whatever. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t been involved with all of them at one time or another.
He told me when we had the argument that he was going to Vegas with his family in August and that he was not taking anyone else. He had a check copy that included payment for “Vegas trip with Peggy” on it. I cannot believe what a liar he is.
Maybe someday these Ps will receive retribution for all the pain that they have caused others. It is a shame that a person can live such a hypocritical life.