Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
In my work with clients involved with exploitative personalities, it’s not unusual to learn, together, that detectable, early warning signals went unrecognized, minimized, or both.
This isn’t to blame the subsequent victims of abusive partners; there are many instances where such clues were lacking (and even when not, blame is inappropriate). But it’s to appreciate, undefensively, that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is almost, by definition, one that invites a level of denial. The denial helps protect our fantasy that we’ve finally met our perfect love partner. It’s in the honeymoon phase, especially, that our need to idealize a prospective partner is at its strongest, correspondingly leaving our objectivity—and sobriety—at its weakest. This makes for a worrisome combination, specifically encouraging the ignoring of ominous signals that, even if subtle, are no less invaluable and critical.
In retrospect, my clients are often surprised to admit that the exploiter in whom they chose to invest really did “tip his hand” more than they wanted, later, to admit. Not all, but many sociopaths aren’t clever enough to fully disguise, even in the early stages of a relationship, their core self-centeredness and insensitivity, if our radar is sufficiently non-compromised.
The key, of course, is first to recognize these signs. But interestingly this isn’t the hardest challenge. The hardest challenge is then to heed them.
I find that many of my clients were in fact cognizant of odd, disconcerting behaviors/attitudes that their exploitative partners were reckless enough to reveal (or incapable of concealing). They may have even felt troubled by them. But in their intense need to want the relationship, and the partner, to be the elusive fit they so hungrily sought, they found ways to suppress their uneasiness: to ignore and/or minimize the significance of these signals; and rationalize the alarms their instincts triggered.
In other words, it’s not so much that their antennae are necessarily impaired (because often they aren’t); rather, it’s their weak response to what their antennae properly register that is the problem. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off in a distant room in the house. You hear it, or think you do, but you’re so slumberously inebriated that you convince yourself you’re not hearing what’s inconvenient to hear—maybe it’s not really the smoke detector—and so rationalize, at great personal risk, your inaction. The inconvenient, much less pleasant reaction (and action) would be to confront—and not ignore—the dimly perceived, but potentially lifesaving, signal. Among other lessons, this suggests just how inconvenient and unpleasant it sometimes is to have to take the steps necessary to protect ourselves.
When I work with clients who find themselves in, or recovering from, victimizing relationships, this theme takes on great meaning and becomes a source of self-empowerment. My clients are determined to become more confident, not only in their radar for uncovering the first dubious chinks in their partners; they are even more determined to learn how to heed these earliest warnings in present, and future relationships.
Whether the warning is more jarring, like a flash of previously unseen rage or coldness, or more subtle, like a disarming expression of entitlement, they’ll want to notice it (the first, and easier task); and then, confronting their powers of rationalization, they’ll want to examine it seriously and soberly for precisely the implications they’re so fearful of seeing.
OxDrover, I know for me, to stop me reverting back to the old me, soft boundaries etc. I shall just remind myself how badly ‘burnt’ I was, this will serve as a warning to me to put my new self into play and keep to it.
Free, I hope so, and YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS. That’s the thing I have finally come to see…I don’t have to “settle” for less than the best, and I won’t. What do I need more trouble for? Had enough to last the rest of my life, so from now on it is “blue skies” for ever!
Free, I know exactly what you mean. I would have not chosen this as a path of learning, nevertheless, I have grown hugely as a result of this experience and like you, it has altered my own values about myself. I feel that I have been transformed. I still look back down the road and say to myself I just cant believe all that happened to me. I have had plenty of people take bites out of me in my life, but the Narcissist was the cleverest of them all. But like many here, I have learnt so much over the last year or so, alot about myself, my upbringing, my father, about how to negotiate relationships and set boundaries. I realised I had very soft boundaries (I am a go with the flow person) and red lines, but I realised that I give the impression to people that it is ok for them to overide me and that it doesnt matter – but not any more. We are all unique and our imperfections are what make us unique people. People with personality disorder exploit women’s vulnerability about how they look, they know that they can put you up and bring you down. I kept asking my ex why he was putting me on a pedestal (it seemed strange and I DID have my head screwed on), but I didnt know what his little game was. Like you, I will be much more aware of red flags. I am not 100 percent yet, but I am so much better than I was and my mental health feels good and I am happy with things. All the best to you Free
Free – That is one of the songs I love to dance to!!! Nice thought. (((hugs)))
Free, I can say amen to that! I really don’t have any desire for a “relationship” right now–I’m NOT “lonely” and I am really getting to KNOW ME–and focus on myself and my sons, my friends and my farm…so there really isn’t any time right now if “prince charming” walked up, or even rode in on a white horse—I would mainly just want to know if the horse had had his yearly test for “Swamp fever” and if not, then the Prince could ride on down the road! Ha ha
Free, that “swamp fever” thing actually wasn’t a joke. It is the common name for the horse equivalent for AIDS, and it is mandated that they be tested yearly–if positive, they must be destroyed. It is transmitted by fly bites. But I guess with my usual sense of humor it is easy to think that it was a joke. LOL Glad I made you laugh anyway! (((hugs)))
See, I am crazy. My soon to be Ex could have no way of knowing that I would ever post something on this web sight and I am somehow afraid that he will find out that I “think” he might be a sociopath. I am afraid that I am wrong despite all the manipulative things that were done to control me. “SIGNS”, I used to work at a womens shelter when I was 19 years old, I was a Probation and Parole Agent for 10 years and counseled many women on taking care of themselves. After I got married he said “YOU ARE NOW MY WIFE AND I AM YOUR HUSBAND; YOU WILL BE SUBMISSIVE AND OBEDIENT. I just laughed. He would not let me work or when I did, something always happened so I would have to quit. During sexual relations he would say ” I know you do not like this but I am going to do it anyway”. Then I would feel neglected when he would not initiate relations. He became distant before a special occasion or holiday, I believe he did this so I would not expect to do anything “special”. He knew I did not like silver, white gold or platinium (s.p) yet he bought me a cubic z white gold wedding ring. He left me for 5 days after I got out of the hospital, after spending 4 days on a cardiac unit. Oh, I had to drive myself to the immediate care clinic and they rushed me to the hospital. I was not afraid of what was happening to me but I was afraid of the hospital bill and then the added cost of the ambulance. I begged the nurses to let me drive myself but they would not let me. Are house was broken into and only my things were stolen, my coin jar which I started saving after I realized that I had no where to go if I had to leave…no money..no friends, my jewelry, my camera and my personal cards…warranties for my car. The neighbors saw the thief run out and get into a white car. They said it was the same car that was in our driveway the week before. When I questioned my husband he told me they guys in the driveway were from a carpet cleaning business. After our house was broken into, he would not let me leave the house. He said they might come back and that he had to secure the house first. He started putting chicken wire on the windows, metal bars on the windows, wooden frames with wooden bars on the inside and put locks were you had to use a key to get out on all the doors. He was getting ready to put in a 15 screen camera system that he could monitor from work which was 2 blocks away. He asked what I thought and I told him I was not afraid of who might break in but of who was already in the house. He went crazy saying” I am sorry that you *&%* disapprove of how I am trying to protect you. There is so much more and I still think that maybe I am the sick one, that I am ungreatfull, that I did not appreciate all that he did for me. I traveled 1600 miles to be with him, left 75% of my belongings (donated them) the things I did bring in a small u haul got put in a storage. When I left I went to a shelter and took 3 small box’s (pictures and memento) a few cloths and left everything else. I have no $, nothing drove back to Wisconsin and am sleeping in a basement and I still feel like it’s my fault that I did not stand up to him at the same time I feel like I should have tried harder. How do I get my life back?
Molly,
As simple and potentially silly as it sounds, “How do I get my life back?”; you already did. You left. You have your life back- it just might need some glue and tape to get the pieces back together. You are still YOU underneath all his disordered trappings. The fact that you got out shows that you still have a spark. You are going to be ok.
As far as still feeling like it is your fault, worrying that he’ll “find” you here are residual from exposure to a sociopath. In time, those feelings will pass. As those feelings wan, you will feel stronger and more sure of yourself. I dare say that we’ve all been there. There are many here in various stages of pre-s, current, and post-s… we’re here to help each other limp, then dance along the path to better days.
Hi I’m new to the blog and have been reading for hours. I thought I was alone until I realized that there are so many out there that have been hurt and have gone through the stages of recovery I am trying to work through. Its only been about 5 weeks since I left and I like many of you am financially tapped. NO $$ for counseling so I run this in my head over and over…I’m not the most objective person to be trying to figure all this out alone. I have been on the internet for hours each day trying to self help. Here is my story, thank you for listening.
The person in my life with BPD (antisocial, abusive and psychotic) is my spouse. He hid is well in the beginning, was everything I could have ever asked for in a mate. I felt then and still feel that he is the love of my life. Yes, even with everything I have been through and even with me being the one who left him I still love him and wish that I could have helped him. That the promises were real. I feel like I’m greiving an illusion.
Heres my story:
We met about two years ago and it was a whirlwind romance, we quickly connected and were married within months. Not normal for me but it just felt so right. (He pursued me for months and months. But he is a lot younger than me and I just thought he was joking around. He said he cried for me every night.) I was lonely and vunerable at that time. I guess you could say I still am.
Then about 2 months into the marriage I began to see signs that he was not stable. I just thought that he had never experience a relationship before and didn’t know how to handle it. He became possessive, for example if I was going to work we had to work at the same place, and if “anyone” talked to me he freaked. He wanted to be with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even tied me to him at night when we slept so I couldn’t leave. I lost my jobs because of his jealousy and this put us into financial difficulties.
The stress was too much for him. He started slapping and choking me when anything went wrong, whether it was my fault or not. The bank could be closed and he would blame it on me somehow. The sun wouldn’t shine and it was my fault… The physical abuse escalated about 5 months in the marriage and he put me in the hospital, the neighbors called the police and he went to jail. He wrote me letter after letter telling me he had changed and he was sorry. We would have a new life when he got out he promised. I had never been around anyone like this before and I believed him. He came home a month later and for two weeks everything was like a storybook, flowers everyday, notes on the bathroom mirror etc.
Then the rage surfaced again and I found myself beaten to a pulp. He said he was sorry and if I left him he would kill himself that he couldn’t live without me. I took the abuse, which was physical, mental, emotional, and financial many more months (any stress and we had plenty he would snap) and then I managed to escape. Again he talked me into coming back. This was after he had urinated on me, beat me with a phone cord for past relationships, beat my head into a wall etc. He cried and cried for forgiveness until I came back. Again said he would kill himself or kill me and family.
After I came back again it was good for about a week, then he isolated me from everyone I knew, moved me to another state and watched my every move. He had control over the car, the phone, the $$ (that I made) everything. I found myself crying everyday, and never knew who I would wake up to in the morning good or bad. Some mornings I would be ripped from my sleep to the abuse. I walked around trying to do anything and everything I could to avoid him getting upset but what worked one time was the thing that set him off the next.
I learned throughout the relationship that he had a horrible childhood, left for months at a time by his mother at the doorsteps of neighbors as a baby and child, was on the streets at 11, a leader of a gang at 14, in and out of juvenile facilities until he as 17 and then he went to State prison at 17 and Federal at 19. It was in Federal that he was diagnosed with BPD, Bi-polar and anger issues. He was only 23 when we met so up until us he had never had a stable relationship. Anything stable for that matter. I wanted to be the one thing that worked for him, to help him and show him I could be there for him. I started trying to figure him out, and work on how he could control his anger. He agreed with some of what I said when he was stoned (which he was most of the time, he called it self medication) I hated him being stoned but preferred it to not a lot of the time. Anyway about 5 weeks ago I was awoke to being hit in the head, choked, and told that he was going to break my nose, knock my teeth down my throat and throw away the few items of clothes I had left if I wasn’t ready in an hour. He took the car and went across the street from the motel where we were staying at and went to work. I looked at my swollen eyes in the mirror and said enough is enough he is going to kill me. I threw on some clothes, grabbed my purse, went out the bathroom window because he could sit and watch the front door from where he was and walked to the police. I didn’t want to get him in trouble but just wanted to get my car and clothes.
That’s the last time I’ve seen him. I’ve called to check on him *67 the number and he is a mess. Cryiing, sobbing, drunk and who know what else. Wants me back, says he will get help “if” I come back, if I don’t come back voluntarily he will get me and whoever stands in his way is in for it. He says he can not live without me. Won’t live without me.
Heres the kicker, much of the time I was with him all I could do was think about how to escape but now that I have left I keep thinking “What if?” Now I know all the facts and statistics, stories, signs to look for, etc. for why not to go back. In my head I know, but something in me is having a hard time dealing with the loss. I will keep reading and writing on this site and soon I hope to be moving forward and not looking back.
Thanks for listening. It felt good just to get it out of my head.
Dear alwabh,
Over a year ago, I found this Blog and spent several nights reading for hours. Back then I was able to read everything that was here in a few days but now there is so much more.. I have read most of it. Your story is so classic. It follows every rule of thumb I have read about regarding abusers, battered women, personality disorders, domestic violence.
If you are still struggling with the questions about whether or not you did all you could do to “help” and was it somehow your fault or was it you that brought these behaviors out of him or is he different than the stories here… NO NO NO NO NO. Take my word and the words of the others readers that are sure to come…
Your story is so classic, it is right out of the book. All the answers are there. You must stay away from this man and protect yourself. You do not need to call and check on his well being. We know you did this because you are a nice and caring person… that’s why this abuser is attracted to you.. he needs that kind of person because he knows you care more about his well being than your own and therefore will put up with his abuse… as long as he can convince you that he needs you and that he is so agitated and broken down with out you… he will have you in the palm of his hand.
Please take the steps to go No Contact (NC). This man is threatening his own life as well as yours. You should assume he means business and seek the help of a Women’s Shelter. No matter how much of a mess your life feels like right now.. remember this: YOU DO HAVE A LIFE IN WHICH TO BE MESSY. Some women don’t because they wouldn’t give up or didn’t have the strength to get away.
As you read and learn more and more about your situation and the dynamics that come with it, you will be shocked at how perfectly you are playing out all the roles and patterns of a victim of domestic violence.
The only happy ending in a story like yours is one where he is not in it. Don’t fall for his pleas and promises. He has already shown you his pattern and you already know his promises are not worth the breath it takes to say them.
Keep reading here and seek the advice and counsel at a Domestic Violence Crisis Center. There are resources, including counseling.
I have been saving these resources and now I know why. I found them in a magazine a few months ago. See below:
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
http://www.ncadv.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (7233)
Womenslaw.org
Go to “select a state” to find procedures for getting a restraining order.
These are resources for the US and I don’t know where you are located. I hope you will find some resources for counseling there and in the meantime… you have LOVEFRAUD 24 hours a day. Reading all that is here should keep you busy and out of trouble for awhile.
I have read that women in your situation typically leave their abuser 7 times before they finally make it stick. If you are halfway there, why don’t you just skip to the front of the line and save yourself some pain, time.. you might even be saving your own life.
I do wish you all the strenght you need to get through this.
Here’s to the peace and joy that will return to your life as you heal and recover..
Aloha…