Lovefraud recently received the following email:
It’s almost a year since I last saw my x-sociopath as a boyfriend, the real last time was in May in a court and some after.
It is hard this time of year with the Holidays around, and I have a lot of health issues and so not hearing his voice, or getting calls, has been hard—even though I know now he is liar. This time last year I did not know how much I had been scammed up til then.
Still, with all the reading I have done, and all the thinking and grieving, I just can’t understand how this person could have fooled me, or that he knew that he was doing so much wrong to me, while sometimes still saying I love you back to me after I said it.
I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. I just can’t seem to understand, because I am not a sociopath, and it is still very painful.
Regardless of how we celebrate the holidays, they are a time of year during which all of our personal relationships are magnified. We have expectations about what will happen when we see the people who are important in our lives, which may or may not prove to be accurate expectations. And if we have gaping holes in our lives where healthy relationships are supposed to be, we feel the emptiness more acutely than at other times of the year.
Sociopaths and the holidays
I don’t know what sociopaths actually feel regarding the holidays, but they seem to recognize this time of year as an extraordinary opportunity for manipulation. The type of manipulation depends on where they are in the relationship lifecycle with a particular target.
If sociopaths are in the love bombing stage, they may employ the “grand gesture,” to seduce the target with over-the-top gifts and celebration.
If they’re in the maintenance stage, where the target is hooked but not yet totally drained, the sociopaths do what they have to do to keep the con going. My ex-husband, for example, always bought me at least one decent Christmas gift. He also was around for Thanksgiving and Christmas, although he was away immediately before Thanksgiving and over New Year’s. I later learned that while he told me he was handling military matters, or attending to the estate of his deceased wife on these trips, he was actually seeing other women.
If they’re in the devalue-and-discard stage, sociopaths may actively work to make the holidays miserable. Some Lovefraud readers have told me about rampages of emotional abuse, such as sociopaths saying, “Why don’t you just kill yourself—that would be a real Christmas gift for the rest of us.”
And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.
Afterwards, coping with the loss
The Lovefraud reader who wrote the letter printed above was feeling the emptiness of not having a relationship, even though she now knows that the sociopath was lying to her. Here are my suggestions for this reader, and anyone else who is feeling home alone after getting rid of a sociopath.
First of all, remember that anything good about the relationship was an illusion. If early on, you had a magical Christmas with the individual, realize that it was all an act. The sociopath did not give you a fabulous gift, or take you on a wonderful getaway, because he or she was in love with you. The sociopath was after a prize, and was seducing you to win it.
Secondly, realize that you may never “understand” why the sociopath did what he did. The reason, as you say, is that you are not a sociopath. But you must accept what he did. Accept that sociopaths do what they do because that’s who they are; that’s what they are. They take from us because they can. They hurt us because they want to. There is no other explanation.
Finally, no matter how badly you suffered because of the sociopath, there is a gift in the situation, and that is the gift of wisdom. Now, because of your experience, you know the sociopaths are out there. You know how they behave. You know that you have vulnerabilities.
I suggest you take what you have learned, about them and you, and set a goal for the New Year—a goal of achieving real peace within you. This may require letting go of people, possessions or ideas that you never wanted to release. It also may require believing in yourself, in your inherent value and goodness—perhaps for the first time.
Yes, it may feel like a tall order, but now, as one year ends and another is about to begin, is a terrific time to take the first steps.
Great points, Donna.
The holidays are emotionally charged for many of us.
Expectations versus reality. Wanting one thing and not being able to have it. “Everyone else” seeming to have what we would love to have and not having. The pictures on the advertisements of happy families around the tree and mom opening up the diamond necklace from the handsome man, the well behaved kids sitting around the table…they all show us this “ideal” holiday that “everyone else” is having, while we sit home alone, or without the comforts we feel we deserve and everyone else seems to have.
I think the media sales attempts to sell us this idealized view of the holidays raises our expectations and makes us feel more downcast and alone during these traditional holidays.
You’re right, we may never really truly understand just why the psychopaths do what they do, or how they feel, or why we were targeted by one or more of them…but understanding the scientific biological healing process when you cut your finger isn’t necessary for it to heal–all you really have to do is to be good to yourself, keep the wound covered and clean, and it will heal, and so will our souls heal even without us understanding exactly how it happens or why the psychopaths are what they are.
Good posts Donna and Oxy. I agree, everything is magnified during the holidays and can relate to sitting home alone trying to figure out what happened.
My ex chose Sunday to drop off some of my things he had been holding hostage after abruptly abandoning me (and subsequently having the locks changed on the home we shared) on Christmas Day 2009. He also left a wrapped gift for me – a lotus flower candle holder (as a “peace” offering), however it happens that it is his current girlfriend who is into lotus flowers. He said (via text msg) that he thought he was doing a “good thing”. Yeah, good for him so he can still make me feel discarded…..again.
Dear New Beginnings,
He can’t MAKE you feel discarded…you can choose to NOT ALLOW THAT. Of course that is WHAT he was trying to do! What a jerk!
That’s why he held them hostage, just to use to pull your chain ONE MORE TIME. I’m not sure why they hold on to things and pull them out from time to time to give us another “poke in the eye” but it seems that is a common factor in how psychopaths behave.
You are two years “out” of this relationship. I suggest that you go NO CONTACT…block his e mail access. voice mail access, etc. and do not reply to anything that does get through.
Make 2012 a TRUE NEW BEGINNING!!! PSYCHOPATH FREE!!!!! (((hugs))) and blessings!
That’s it right there Oxy, I have to stop letting him see me react because it just promotes the behavior. Yes, definitely looking forward to a better year in 2012! 🙂
I was in business with my ex so our regular contact dragged on until the 2010 taxes were done. Lesson learned – don’t go into business with a significant other. It works for some but the divorce rate is fairly high. Probably due to one of them being a spath and having difficulty managing their secret life. It’s what happened with mine. Moving on!
Happy 2012!
New
Dear Donna,
I liked your post…it resonated with me so much…..because you said recognise your value. A very strong message to send.
Duped no more told me a few days ago to remember my value. Whoo …it hit me. It touched me.
Donna, bless you. What a wonderful resource you have bestowed. It sounds somewhat gushing ….it has set me free. It truly has. NC ….10 weeks and counting. Even though it’s tried to contact me I have ignored. Thanks to you and this site.
Hugs everyone
Same old song…slightly altered lyrics:
Again, like “normal”, my step daughter had Christmas at her house. She hates me…honestly don’t know why, but that’s her issue, not mine. Since I rarely see or speak with her, I assume that her feelings must be based on lies that her father has told her about me… he’s a divide and conquer sort of pathetic bastard. (Sure wish I had figured that out prior to marriage…arrgh!)
Anyway, with each holiday that involves her he withholds information from me. By this I mean that he refuses to tell me dates and times when I ask, so that I can make other plans.
This year he told me 10 minutes prior to leaving to go to her house on Christmas Eve…he said I was welcome to go with him, if I wanted. Of course, I declined. (I thought poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick might be just as much fun.)
I haven’t spoken to him since he returned late Christmas Eve night. It is not because I am giving him the silent treatment. I refuse to speak to him because I know that he will somehow turn my pain against me!
Framing my sentences in the most diplomatic way possible does not work. No matter how hard I try to phrase my words, he will respond with insults and outrage. So I’ve learned to simply swallow hard and ignore him.
I can not complain to anyone, because he’s such a “nice” guy, that I truly must be nuts (like he indicates).
He has cameras around the house, set up my email account with a password that only he knows (to monitor what I am doing) and he has us on a home network so that he can see sites that I browse. The phones are in his name…so I guess he can legally spy on me. Also, he periodically goes through me stuff (when I leave to go to a class or go shopping) and confiscates everything of mine that he wants. I think I’ve figured out that by throwing my stuff away, he can purchase a replacement…so I won’t have anything to take with me if I get brave enough to leave.
I joined 80 yahoo groups to spam myself with emails!
The list goes on…oh, funny thing, he knows what I say over the telephone. He told me that he knows I’ve been looking for cameras throughout the house…(I’ve also been searching spy sights to see what to look for.)
I am sick and tired of his controlling, nasty behavior. So, rather than continue spamming myself, I’d really like to know what juicy emails and helpful sites I can get into to show him that I am no longer suffering in silence.
I am sooo tired of being bullied.
I am living in Slag Hell!
Dear Strongawoman,
Congratulations on your 10 weeks of no contact@.......@@.......@!!!! TOWANDA!!!! Each day will make you stronger!
Dear IMconfused,
You don’t sound so confused to me…you sound like you are living in a WAR ZONE and you know it….not a good way to live.
I suggest though that if you do plan to leave that you get a postal box, for your mail, make copies of everything that you need in the way of information, copies of insurance, titles to vehicles, your home mortgage, etc. and plan your escape.
Take your computer to a computer shop while he is at work and get it cleaned, it probably has a key logger. Get a cell phone account in your name and use the PO box for the bill, pay with money orders.
You can escape…you don’t have to live like that. God bless.
Ox Drover,
He is a computer systems specialist. He is the administrator of our home network, so I cannot escape him.
All of our money is in his name…I recently figured that out.
So, there probably is no value in making copies of things…besides he has cameras everywhere and would see me taking stuff to copy.
He has gone through my things and confiscated any “evidence” while I was visiting my son…on a trip that he “gifted” to me…while he removed my stuff.
He controls my actions…but boy would he be surprised to find out that he doesn’t control my thoughts…at least not for the past few years!
Dear confused,
There are ways around his control, contact an attorney…most states do not allow one spouse to completely control everything, so talk to an attorney ASAP!
You CAN ESCAPE him! Just don’t let him know.