Lovefraud recently received the following email:
It’s almost a year since I last saw my x-sociopath as a boyfriend, the real last time was in May in a court and some after.
It is hard this time of year with the Holidays around, and I have a lot of health issues and so not hearing his voice, or getting calls, has been hard—even though I know now he is liar. This time last year I did not know how much I had been scammed up til then.
Still, with all the reading I have done, and all the thinking and grieving, I just can’t understand how this person could have fooled me, or that he knew that he was doing so much wrong to me, while sometimes still saying I love you back to me after I said it.
I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. I just can’t seem to understand, because I am not a sociopath, and it is still very painful.
Regardless of how we celebrate the holidays, they are a time of year during which all of our personal relationships are magnified. We have expectations about what will happen when we see the people who are important in our lives, which may or may not prove to be accurate expectations. And if we have gaping holes in our lives where healthy relationships are supposed to be, we feel the emptiness more acutely than at other times of the year.
Sociopaths and the holidays
I don’t know what sociopaths actually feel regarding the holidays, but they seem to recognize this time of year as an extraordinary opportunity for manipulation. The type of manipulation depends on where they are in the relationship lifecycle with a particular target.
If sociopaths are in the love bombing stage, they may employ the “grand gesture,” to seduce the target with over-the-top gifts and celebration.
If they’re in the maintenance stage, where the target is hooked but not yet totally drained, the sociopaths do what they have to do to keep the con going. My ex-husband, for example, always bought me at least one decent Christmas gift. He also was around for Thanksgiving and Christmas, although he was away immediately before Thanksgiving and over New Year’s. I later learned that while he told me he was handling military matters, or attending to the estate of his deceased wife on these trips, he was actually seeing other women.
If they’re in the devalue-and-discard stage, sociopaths may actively work to make the holidays miserable. Some Lovefraud readers have told me about rampages of emotional abuse, such as sociopaths saying, “Why don’t you just kill yourself—that would be a real Christmas gift for the rest of us.”
And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.
Afterwards, coping with the loss
The Lovefraud reader who wrote the letter printed above was feeling the emptiness of not having a relationship, even though she now knows that the sociopath was lying to her. Here are my suggestions for this reader, and anyone else who is feeling home alone after getting rid of a sociopath.
First of all, remember that anything good about the relationship was an illusion. If early on, you had a magical Christmas with the individual, realize that it was all an act. The sociopath did not give you a fabulous gift, or take you on a wonderful getaway, because he or she was in love with you. The sociopath was after a prize, and was seducing you to win it.
Secondly, realize that you may never “understand” why the sociopath did what he did. The reason, as you say, is that you are not a sociopath. But you must accept what he did. Accept that sociopaths do what they do because that’s who they are; that’s what they are. They take from us because they can. They hurt us because they want to. There is no other explanation.
Finally, no matter how badly you suffered because of the sociopath, there is a gift in the situation, and that is the gift of wisdom. Now, because of your experience, you know the sociopaths are out there. You know how they behave. You know that you have vulnerabilities.
I suggest you take what you have learned, about them and you, and set a goal for the New Year—a goal of achieving real peace within you. This may require letting go of people, possessions or ideas that you never wanted to release. It also may require believing in yourself, in your inherent value and goodness—perhaps for the first time.
Yes, it may feel like a tall order, but now, as one year ends and another is about to begin, is a terrific time to take the first steps.
sistersister
I’ve read some of these horrible stories posted here. One of the things I’m looking into lately is “The Work” by Byron Katie. At first glance, she seems to be telling people to stop complaining about the spaths in their lives. But it’s deeper than that: Stop complaining about how other people won’t do things, stop wishing they would change, and just do your own part. Suddenly, you wake up to where you are and what you’re doing right now: Either you’re doing something about the situation or you’re not. It’s so simple, yet so powerful — and so hard to do.
A friend-of-a-friend once called our self-defating actions the “passenger-side brake” because, well, there isn’t one on the passenger side. Keep slamming on it, and nothing happens. Get in the driver’s seat of your own life, and there’s a brake, a gas pedal, even a horn. I like playing with the headlights, myself. The ability to SEE is so important.
So Katie talks about “Your business, their business, and God’s business.” Whose business are you in? The only place to be is in your own business, cleaning up the mess there. It might involve filing charges in court, or just getting rid of this person. Whatever that is for you. It’s not just “courageous,” it’s the only sane place to be.
Spaths invite us to live in the land of The Way Things Should Be. Well, they’re not that way. They’re this way. And they might suck this way, but at least you know where you are on an accurate map, and how to get to where you want to be.
When I think of things this way, I don’t cry. I don’t even feel sad. I can just focus on the next thing I want to do, the next person I want to be a light for by my example, and the possibilities for a beautiful future that really ARE there.
KatyDid
junesurvivor
of course he’s not admitting his abuse. pedos NEVER take responsbility for their behavior.
Your poor daughter. How is she doing? What is being done for her?
You are in shock. Like your daughter, You need a GREAT counselor. What have you done to find a GREAT (not just any from the yellow pages) But a GREAT councelor.
Do not focus on what others think or how it might affect your small town business. You will be surprised who turns into jerks and who will step up and support you.
I am so sorry for the journey you are about to travel. I pray for your daughter and for you. AND MOM? THANK YOU for believing your child.
KatyDid
sistersister
GREAT POST. Empowering. I LOVE YOUR POST.
sistersister
Junesurvivor,
You know how to cope. Absolutely. You can only live in the present, that’s all that’s possible anyway. You can state the truth and live with whatever other people decide about it as their business. The story about how you don’t have strength is a lie, and you can just as well believe that you do have the strength. You can run your business as you always have, and many factors will determine its success or failure.
sistersister
Thanks, KatyDid. I just love the Internet: I can pretend I’m this awesome, powerful person. I can talk about it, but can I do it? In all humility . . . God bless.
skylar
*skylar runs out and gets popcorn*
munch, munch, munch. Nothing like some spath on spath drama to provide birthday entertainment. munch, munch, munch.
seriously, I’d like to thank our visitor for providing us with a very good example of HOW NOT TO BE.
Edit: oh it looks like the example was deleted. oh well, I ran out of popcorn anyway.
sistersister
Yeah, I was having fun. I thought maybe that was an ex-spath trying to slander a person here. . . . But maybe it was one of “us.” Just frustration, saying what a hypocrite their Bible-thumping ex-spath was. . . . Anyway, I was tempted to name the Rev. Tim Keller of the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York as directing the activities of one of my ex-spaths, egging him on in the name of “Jesus,” even as this lower-level spath was into pornographic stuff. But I won’t. OK? I think his privacy, as a noted author and high-earning pastor, is worth protecting. Hee hee. On second thought, public figures who direct spathic organizations don’t deserve protection from disclosure . . . or do they? What’s the policy here? If I know somebody famous who directed a sociopathic project against me, trying to lure me into a fraudulent marriage — am I sworn to protect his identity? I threatened to sue him if he intervened in my life again; does that mean he’ll sue me if he sees his name here? Or was it technically legal for his people to discuss my sex life over dinner every Thursday night?
sistersister
On the off-chance that this person is one of “us,” I have to ask, with all compassion — really, I mean this in the best possible way — that you might consider how thinking that way, no matter how justified your anger, puts you in the path of spaths. It’s all a game of who’s right and who’s wrong, and who gets to look better in front of the audience, and they love moving the chess pieces forward for another round of this nonsense. Myself included! Ha! I just love naming names on a famous dude. That felt good. But I’m gone if this guy wants to play, OK? I left, that-a-way.
KatyDid
sistersister
i think the rev has an agenda. i think the rev doesn’t want to see anything but support for his agenda. what do you think is the rev’s agenda?
with my spath, as long as his agenda and anothers are in line, then all is good. others can’t see the problem.
the problem is, you thought the rev’s agenda was serving God. you thought wrong.
sharing the journey
That was a definate WTF moment.
Skylar your so funny and sistersister you were on the ball–I thought you knew who he was talking about.
It was a rant.
Happy birthday Skylar. A wee Christmas and New Year baby.
xxx