Lovefraud recently received the following email:
It’s almost a year since I last saw my x-sociopath as a boyfriend, the real last time was in May in a court and some after.
It is hard this time of year with the Holidays around, and I have a lot of health issues and so not hearing his voice, or getting calls, has been hard—even though I know now he is liar. This time last year I did not know how much I had been scammed up til then.
Still, with all the reading I have done, and all the thinking and grieving, I just can’t understand how this person could have fooled me, or that he knew that he was doing so much wrong to me, while sometimes still saying I love you back to me after I said it.
I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. I just can’t seem to understand, because I am not a sociopath, and it is still very painful.
Regardless of how we celebrate the holidays, they are a time of year during which all of our personal relationships are magnified. We have expectations about what will happen when we see the people who are important in our lives, which may or may not prove to be accurate expectations. And if we have gaping holes in our lives where healthy relationships are supposed to be, we feel the emptiness more acutely than at other times of the year.
Sociopaths and the holidays
I don’t know what sociopaths actually feel regarding the holidays, but they seem to recognize this time of year as an extraordinary opportunity for manipulation. The type of manipulation depends on where they are in the relationship lifecycle with a particular target.
If sociopaths are in the love bombing stage, they may employ the “grand gesture,” to seduce the target with over-the-top gifts and celebration.
If they’re in the maintenance stage, where the target is hooked but not yet totally drained, the sociopaths do what they have to do to keep the con going. My ex-husband, for example, always bought me at least one decent Christmas gift. He also was around for Thanksgiving and Christmas, although he was away immediately before Thanksgiving and over New Year’s. I later learned that while he told me he was handling military matters, or attending to the estate of his deceased wife on these trips, he was actually seeing other women.
If they’re in the devalue-and-discard stage, sociopaths may actively work to make the holidays miserable. Some Lovefraud readers have told me about rampages of emotional abuse, such as sociopaths saying, “Why don’t you just kill yourself—that would be a real Christmas gift for the rest of us.”
And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.
Afterwards, coping with the loss
The Lovefraud reader who wrote the letter printed above was feeling the emptiness of not having a relationship, even though she now knows that the sociopath was lying to her. Here are my suggestions for this reader, and anyone else who is feeling home alone after getting rid of a sociopath.
First of all, remember that anything good about the relationship was an illusion. If early on, you had a magical Christmas with the individual, realize that it was all an act. The sociopath did not give you a fabulous gift, or take you on a wonderful getaway, because he or she was in love with you. The sociopath was after a prize, and was seducing you to win it.
Secondly, realize that you may never “understand” why the sociopath did what he did. The reason, as you say, is that you are not a sociopath. But you must accept what he did. Accept that sociopaths do what they do because that’s who they are; that’s what they are. They take from us because they can. They hurt us because they want to. There is no other explanation.
Finally, no matter how badly you suffered because of the sociopath, there is a gift in the situation, and that is the gift of wisdom. Now, because of your experience, you know the sociopaths are out there. You know how they behave. You know that you have vulnerabilities.
I suggest you take what you have learned, about them and you, and set a goal for the New Year—a goal of achieving real peace within you. This may require letting go of people, possessions or ideas that you never wanted to release. It also may require believing in yourself, in your inherent value and goodness—perhaps for the first time.
Yes, it may feel like a tall order, but now, as one year ends and another is about to begin, is a terrific time to take the first steps.
sistersister
I don’t honestly know what the Rev’s agenda is, I guess just to be successful on the earthly plane, make some bucks. A friend I made shortly after that experience in my life — the author of a book on fundamentalists, of which he was one once — said the fundies play a little game with prospective converts, a kind of heads-I-win, tails-you-lose. If you buy what they’re selling, Glory be to God. If you don’t, Glory be to God, see how wicked the outside world is?
The point being, yes, he sees nothing but support for his agenda.
Sure, if his people like his act, they should support this guy. It falls under “their business.” And as a public figure, he’s open to outside criticism from the people he’s hurt and can’t do a thing about it. All’s fair.
This new Rev . . . our visitor . . . now what is his agenda? Revenge. OK, fine. We’re all impressed. Can we go home now? Because while he’s spewing hate, he’s not doing God’s work, which he implies is important to him. He’s not loving anyone, or helping the world. But if that’s OK with him, how he likes to have fun today, good for him. If I ever do business with a person named such, I’ll be sure to check out if she has a criminal record. Good to know. If she doesn’t have one, OK then.
KatyDid
LittleWhiteHorse
The sun is doing quite a dance. Are you getting to see some of those amazing northern lights?
sharing the journey
Hi Katydid
I am not sure that I know what you mean.
xxx
KatyDid
LittleWhiteHorse
THought you mentioned you were up in my fav area of the world. The sun is very active now and at night, there is an amazing light show, commonly referred to as Northern Lights. AKA Aurora Borealis. Love this kind of nature. SO uplifting and healing.
Ever since leaving my spath, the good things in life are very precious to me, they heal my soul.
hellno
Dear new friends.
I have just found your site and I am happy that there is a way to try and stop these conning lying cheating bums from creating more hurt and destruction to innocent people.
I have just found out that my name and my late husband’s has been used in many scams. And by my own son who fits the profile of the 10 steps to look for in a con man. It makes me so ashamed that my son turned out this way. There was no abuse as a child– there was no selection of the children each was treated the same as far as rules were concerned. My other two children are well adjusted in their lives but are also sickened with their brother’s disgraceful lifestyle.
His abuse of women is so shocking to me as a mother of this man.. He never saw a violent father only a strong mother.
He was married to 2 women at the same time they lived within 12 miles of each other. He kept up this scam for years by telling each wife he was working away and I his mother hated the fact he had married below his station, and as such I would never accept them in my life— This was in Great Britain.. The ultimate way to keep women away from each other and finding out the real truth as it is and not as he tells it..
Now he is in America and has been doing very much the same over here for years. The poor women he has abused is so sorrowful to me as they all believe it is my fault. The stories he spins are all classic signs he is pycotic.
He is married again after ruining so many females lives. His wife of 10 years is aware of his rotten lifestyle.. Her attitude is as long as he doesn’t bring it home to the door step he can do anything he wishes! What a pair—- they both deserve each other. They both have taken up the name of a famous rich man and now uses this as their con.. They have even stooped so low as to give their children this mans name.! My other grandchildren have their family name but these grandchildren have the name of a stranger..
They both lied about my son’s so called cancer. My son told the world he had cancer and his wife told the world she took care of this sick man. She too knew what it was to be the wife of a cancer survivor.. Bullshit.. The only sickness they have is in their heads.
They want the world to see them as great charity carers.
Their best friends are the losers who broke into the Whitehouse and tried to steal someone else seat at a table.. That tells you their sick world they live in.
My husband invested millions of dollars in their scam companies and now I FIND THE COMPANIES DONT EVEN EXIST– This is ok a far as they are concerned as they now have more bullshit companies ready to take and steal money from anyone out there—– There is only one thing that hurts me is the grandchildren. They have the name of a total stranger.. Their true grandfather is alive and well and heart broken his grandchildren carry the name of a rich dead man. My son is very violent, he hit me so hard he broke my hip. I am now disabled. This happen in front of his wife and her attitude was my son and I really don’t mix well together.. You have to have a license to have a dog. Anyone can have a child.
I am astounded by the lies I have found on the internet.
They have blackened my name far too long. Enough is enough..
sharing the journey
Ah Katydid
Did you mean that I come from Scotland-if so yes and have you visited.
Unfortunately the Nothern lights are up North -Aberdeen way. I live in the West coast in Glasgow, and I am ashamed to say that I have never seen them.
I know more about Spain and Greece than my own country, but I plan to take it in in my middle age.
In my early forties I studied Scottish history and culture at university therefore I know more about theory of my country rather than practice.
I so need to remedy this.
xxx
KatyDid
Dear HellNo
I am astounded by the lies found on the internet too.
sharing the journey
Katydid
That’s what I am focusing on too. Healing my soul
xxx
KatyDid
little white horse
this is a VERY special active year and the lights are being seen much further south. yes. just north of Glasgow. you have to find a place away from street lights. contact your local amateur astronomy club. i think of this astral event as a divide b/t bad history and all the BEAUTIFUL promise of tomorrow.
been there 20+ times, have not done NEAR enough! (I specialize in selling travel to uk, am SCOTS Master, accredited by Scottish Tourist Board.) Glasgow is SOOO much better than it used to be.
Ox Drover
Dear Hellno,
I share your pain with your son,, mine is in prison for murder, and even from his prison cell, he sent one of his friends to kill me….and no, it is NOT your fault, it is theirs. They have choices, and they make their choice to be liars, cheats, and to take an evil path.
God bless you and welcome to love fraud…not all “love fraud” is from someone you marry or date, sometimes it is defrauding by those we give birth to, nourish and love and nurture…our children. You are not alone here, there are other mothers and fathers who know your pain. God bless, and again, welcome.