Lovefraud recently received the following email:
It’s almost a year since I last saw my x-sociopath as a boyfriend, the real last time was in May in a court and some after.
It is hard this time of year with the Holidays around, and I have a lot of health issues and so not hearing his voice, or getting calls, has been hard—even though I know now he is liar. This time last year I did not know how much I had been scammed up til then.
Still, with all the reading I have done, and all the thinking and grieving, I just can’t understand how this person could have fooled me, or that he knew that he was doing so much wrong to me, while sometimes still saying I love you back to me after I said it.
I just loved him so much, and miss the person I thought he was so much too. I just can’t seem to understand, because I am not a sociopath, and it is still very painful.
Regardless of how we celebrate the holidays, they are a time of year during which all of our personal relationships are magnified. We have expectations about what will happen when we see the people who are important in our lives, which may or may not prove to be accurate expectations. And if we have gaping holes in our lives where healthy relationships are supposed to be, we feel the emptiness more acutely than at other times of the year.
Sociopaths and the holidays
I don’t know what sociopaths actually feel regarding the holidays, but they seem to recognize this time of year as an extraordinary opportunity for manipulation. The type of manipulation depends on where they are in the relationship lifecycle with a particular target.
If sociopaths are in the love bombing stage, they may employ the “grand gesture,” to seduce the target with over-the-top gifts and celebration.
If they’re in the maintenance stage, where the target is hooked but not yet totally drained, the sociopaths do what they have to do to keep the con going. My ex-husband, for example, always bought me at least one decent Christmas gift. He also was around for Thanksgiving and Christmas, although he was away immediately before Thanksgiving and over New Year’s. I later learned that while he told me he was handling military matters, or attending to the estate of his deceased wife on these trips, he was actually seeing other women.
If they’re in the devalue-and-discard stage, sociopaths may actively work to make the holidays miserable. Some Lovefraud readers have told me about rampages of emotional abuse, such as sociopaths saying, “Why don’t you just kill yourself—that would be a real Christmas gift for the rest of us.”
And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.
Afterwards, coping with the loss
The Lovefraud reader who wrote the letter printed above was feeling the emptiness of not having a relationship, even though she now knows that the sociopath was lying to her. Here are my suggestions for this reader, and anyone else who is feeling home alone after getting rid of a sociopath.
First of all, remember that anything good about the relationship was an illusion. If early on, you had a magical Christmas with the individual, realize that it was all an act. The sociopath did not give you a fabulous gift, or take you on a wonderful getaway, because he or she was in love with you. The sociopath was after a prize, and was seducing you to win it.
Secondly, realize that you may never “understand” why the sociopath did what he did. The reason, as you say, is that you are not a sociopath. But you must accept what he did. Accept that sociopaths do what they do because that’s who they are; that’s what they are. They take from us because they can. They hurt us because they want to. There is no other explanation.
Finally, no matter how badly you suffered because of the sociopath, there is a gift in the situation, and that is the gift of wisdom. Now, because of your experience, you know the sociopaths are out there. You know how they behave. You know that you have vulnerabilities.
I suggest you take what you have learned, about them and you, and set a goal for the New Year—a goal of achieving real peace within you. This may require letting go of people, possessions or ideas that you never wanted to release. It also may require believing in yourself, in your inherent value and goodness—perhaps for the first time.
Yes, it may feel like a tall order, but now, as one year ends and another is about to begin, is a terrific time to take the first steps.
“…And then, if the sociopaths need a new source of supply, they may use the holidays as an excuse to reconnect with former targets, just to see if they can bleed them again.”
DONNA: Have we been reading the same book again? 🙂
Oh yes…let me attest to that fact!
Trying to make the Holidays miserable….’reconnect’; yep…
Only one thing MY EX didn’t figure on: silence…
It was a year ago this New Years Eve that I made a promise to myself and that promise was that I was not going to spend another New Years Eve like the one I spent last New Years Eve with all of this madness in my life.
THIS New Years Eve, the promise I made to myself will be made manifest. There is no coming back from that, My Friends…
It has been a very long five year haul with this insanity in my life and with lots of hard work and self awareness, I think that just maybe I will actually be able to appreciate THIS NEW YEARS EVE for MYSELF.
Love and Holiday wishes and blessings to you all…
Thank you Donna for saying what you have. It is an immense support and validation. xxoo
Ox Drover,
Thanks for your concern. It is not easy to contact anyone when every movement is recorded. It requires making a plan, scheduling enough get away time and being able to follow through without getting caught.
A TV character said something that seemed appropriate for my silence.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Yeah, it’s an old saying, but it really seems to apply when dealing with a sociopath.)
After 100’s of attempts, I’ve stopped believing that it might be possible to express my feelings and actually be heard…maybe even receive some empathy from my husband…not going to happen with him.
I’ve finally learned that expressing my thoughts to my bully yields his vicious response… like I am his worst enemy, not his life partner. One more attempt to talk to him would really be insane on my part.
I’m starting to use my brain…feels good to recognize reality…then apply the serenity prayer (many times, if necessary).
Oxy,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It has realised I’ve changed my number and has emailed me ……utter drivel. Pathetic attempt to reconnect and start the whole roller coaster of Hell again! He’s also text via a mutual friend so Ive asked her not to forward them. He is sly and conniving. Going for the “pity me” stance with our mutual friend. How vile that he is using her to try to infiltrate. He once described her as ” too thick to realise she was being used”
Anyway, thanks again. Thanks for listening. ((Ox))
This holiday season was good because I am doing no contact with my ex spath, even though he has tried to call. Caller id is one of the greatest inventions ever. I lost my dad in November, who was a horrible man who was also a spath and who had abused my mom her entire life, up to the point she was placed into a home for altzheimers. For the first time in my life, I can go visit my mom without him trying to control the visit and her life. I’m sorry she didn’t “escape” the way I finally did. I heard from my ex after my dad died and he wanted to go to the funeral. I told him I did not want him there, that there is a stay away order and that he was not supposed to be where I was. He really only wanted to opportunity to hit my family up for cigarettes and our daughters up for money. It is so much better not to have to deal with these people during the holiday season. It was peaceful with my daughters and grandchildren and I only visited family members who I wanted to visit. My ex got ahold of me right before Thanksgiving whining about not seeing his children for Thanksgiving. I told him it is not my responsibility to help him maintain a relationship with his children and that, in the 4 years since I left him, he has spent all his money on drugs and has not gotten one present for our grandchildren. Even a card and a candy bar is better than nothing. Nope, he simply shows up to see what he can scam people out of. I am finally in a place in my life where I don’t feel sorry for these people. There is life after the spath, even though I am ungoing counseling for the PSTD I suffer from being brought up by one of these people as well as being married to one for 33 years. I have my own home that my ex has never lived in and everything I own I got on my own.
ImConfused.
Just remember one thing when you think about expressing your feelings in the hope he will care or even understand …. they dont care, they have a different agenda to you. The best policy is damage limitation and evidence collection (if poss) but most importantly personal safety and if that means time to go now then do it.
IMConfused:
I want to offer support and encouragement. I got away from my abusive ex about 12 years ago. What you are going through is just part of your awakening process. One thing that can be difficult is when you are actively wanting to get out, but not sure how, and others do not understand how difficult it is — what the barriers are. Safety is paramount. No one is living your life but you, but there will be judgment. I don’t know if this helps, but please know that others have followed this path before and succeeded. It is not easy, and hang in there and listen to your gut. If you feel unsafe, listen to that voice! It sounds from what you describe that you have some very real reasons to be cautious. You do not say if he is physically abusive to you (or to anyone, even one time! Show that he is capable…). So I do not know the physical danger you might be in, but you must take it very seriously. I am praying for you.
Here are some things that I did, and please know that I am not PROUD of these sneaky things, but I think, looking back, that I needed to do them for my own Self-preservation and my own safety. Once you are out and have some distance, you will look back in amazement that you found yourself in that situation. You will forgive yourself for getting into it, for not recognizing it, for not knowing how to quickly extricate yourself. But you will do all of these things if you want to. It will take however long it takes. Each person’s path is different. You are NOT alone. There are people who understand what you are going through.
One thing I did: I got a PO Box. I paid cash for it and it was anonymous. This is so I had an address for my secret bank account. I had a secret bank account because he controlled all of the money. He was a stickler for neatness, and he wanted a housekeeper, so I “pretended” to be the housekeeper and I cleaned the house each week and paid myself from HIS account. That way, I saved some small amount of money which I ended up not needing, but it helped me feel safe. I do not know if you have a job or not, but if you can find ways to earn some money, sneaky ways or not, you can put some money in this account. I am not saying I am proud of it — and no, it was not a lot of money. Nothing compared to the money he had.
Be careful if you have a cellphone with a GPS — sounds like he really spies on you. Maybe you can get another cellphone that is yours, that he doesn’t know about. A pre-paid one.
Definitely go to a lawyer. If you don’t think you have the money for this, see if you can get some money from someone — get a Very Good Lawyer. It makes a difference. Take a trusted friend or your son with you, if you can, to help in case you lose focus.
Check your state laws. As far as I know, all money earned during marriages is considered “marital property” in a divorce, and may be entitled to half of it — community property state or not. Doesn’t matter if it is in his name.
I definitely WOULD make copies of financial statements, if I were you. You can get a cheap safe deposit box (again, pay cash and be anonymous) and keep them there. Or with your lawyer.
Check out domestic violence support groups in your area. Even if there is no physical violence, domestic violence groups “get” emotional and psychological abuse.
You do not say whether or not you have children. Or how much freedom/time/space you have during the day. You can go to the library to read and think and write (use their computers and get a free and private gmail account).
I’ll write more later, if I think of more things. Hang in there. You sound like you are in a lot of pain and that is normal, for being a prisoner in your own home like that.
Dear Confused:
What your daughter feels is parental alienation. Imposed upon her by her father. May I encourage you to do some reading on the subject. You may never have a relationship with her again as is true for me and daughter now 25 years old and gone for nineteen years! Her mother an ultra diabolical sociopath.
Argg i had a stumblle….I stupidly responded to the spath….I need a good tongue lashin people..when we were together he had given me his visa to purchase flights for his job and when i discovered mr. spath was on thirty five dating porn sites i kicked him to the curb….when he started his projection nonsense and calling me ‘the whore’ I was fuious and got caught up in his game and retaliated…..Now he is trying to blackmai me back into the relationship….ugggh what a mess…I am so sick of him i could vomit i would never go back to him in a million years…I did not realize they pounce harder on holidays to break the no contact….i need to spend the next holiday here reading and staying out of his stupid game….
I divorced a spath and lost my son in the process…his birthday is christmas day and thats my most vunerable time of the year as i cry and miss my child each and every year…what the hell is wrong that i keep finding these idiots….
Dear Cathyann, I am so glad that your P sperm donor is out of your life….and that you can visit your mother. I’m sorry too that she didn’t escape like you have, but she is most likely past remembering much of it at least. I am glad that you had a good holiday at Christmas with the kids and grandkids. Glad that you have a life filled with peace and stability.
Yes,, they will come around with the pity ploy seeking to weasel things out of others, but sounds like you have got it under control! Good for you!!! TOWANDA!!!!