Looking For Rage In All The Wrong Places

When individuals are jealous-fueled, what is happening? One thing that’s happening is that they are often looking for rage, looking to rage, in all the wrong places.

So this is important to establish up-front: The jealous-laden individual is using his jealousy as a basis to unleash his stewing rage. He is using jealousy as a means to feel rage; to feel outrage; to feel, somehow, self-righteously betrayed; and finally, to justify (through his jealousy) his pursuit of these feelings.

Thus, he is looking, contriving, convincing himself that the basis of his fury is legitimately, suspiciously, here”¦or there!!”¦or there!!”¦or here!!”¦or over there!!

Regardless, he will find the basis for his suspicions whenever it suits him—whenever, that is, he seeks a rage catharsis through his jealousy. From his suspicions, he will immediately rationalize the rapid escalation, and release, of his righteous indignation, which he will almost instantly transmute into expressions of jealous rage.

In his rage, you (his target) will naturally be declared guilty even without his having informed you of the accusations against you. It’s almost as if, in his arrogant grandiosity and sense of entitlement, you barely deserve to know the accusations he’s leveling.

After all, you should know them without his having to inform you, because you are guilty of them!! Who are you kidding?! Who are you trying to dupe, playing the innocent?!!

In such fashion he ratchets up, equally rapidly, his paranoia, convincing himself that you are weaving a real deception, really making a joke of him, the thought of which further primes his paranoia and escalates his self-justified fury.

To be sure, you are guilty of something treacherous. He knows it, he’s convinced himself of it. He believes that you too, of course, know it, but just don’t want him to know it. So he assumes a kind of paranoid omniscience. He is soooo smart, way toooo smart to be had; thus, you must be patronizing him with your innocent, shellshocked reaction.

As if he is going to fall for the pretense of your bewilderment? To the contrary: it will merely makes him legitimately more incensed.

And so the jealous rager, consciously or subconsciously, in conformity with his aim, puts you in a lose lose position: admit what he accuses you of (that is, falsely confess), and even more hell will break loose! Tell the truth, of your actual innocence, and more hell will break loose!

You are like the suspect in the interrogation room on whom he, the interrogator, in his smug conviction, believes he has all the evidence; like the suspect with whom he is toying as he watches you (from his warped perspective), and derives a perverse pleasure in watching you, try to squirm your way out of the guilty, damned status he has arrogantly, smugly stamped you with.

The jealous rager, in this fashion, will enjoy, perversely, the process of (from his warped perspective) watching you dig yourself deeper and deeper in a hole that he has made for you, that he set you up to fall into, and then assured that it will have all the escapability of a quicksand pit.

Rather, it is a pit into which, from his warped perspective, he watches you sink little by little, lie by lie, evasion by evasion, omission by omission, inconsistency by inconsistency, into his “doghouse,” or really his “hell-house,” inside of which he will slam the door shut, bar your escape, and menacingly confront you, seething with the self-righteous fury of the betrayed, entitling himself to “payback” for the treachery of which you, of course, innocent, in the abusive forms he chooses.

This sheds some light, perhaps, into the mind of the jealous rager.

(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)

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137 Comments on "Looking For Rage In All The Wrong Places"

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Wow. First, I think I need to clarify my thoughts here and where I’m at. I would LOVE to have another relationship! But I CAN”T have another relationship. That scares the hell out of me. I’m 47 now, not getting any younger and unfortunately,it seems to me that there are more sociopathic fish in the dating pool, rather than not. I’m not assuming ALL suck, but …..for me,why take the risk…I know that. I don’t have the ENERGY to do it…but I”M PISSED that he can just go out there and screw someone else and be FINE! Sometimes I think…gee, sure wish I could do that! And I think it because I’m effing ANGRY right now. I gave this asshole ten years of my life!!! I”M PISSED about that and I’m PISSED that I’m paralyzed with regards to relationships right now, but I also know that there are no alternatives for me.

I’m scared because my mother and both her parents were dead by 53. I’m 47. My mother got cancer at fifty. Beat it, then was dead ten months later from lung cancer. I’ve been a smoker of thirty plus years. I’ve seen patients that came for chemo when my mother was sick, that had quit smoking twenty years before….sick with lung cancer. Damn ME, damn MY decisions. I’m so pissed off at ME!! So many years wasted on people in my life who didn’t give a RATS ASS about me at all, but, like you just explained Ox, I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings….do you think any of THOSE people are hurting right now? Hell EFFIN no!!! Not my bio fam FULL of N’s, Spaths and Ps! Not my ex spouse and not last Spath. I”M PISSED about it! I want THEM to hurt as much as I’m HURT!! Why in GOD”S name does the tragedy of being born into a family FULL of psychotic FREAKS befall us? HOw is that even explanatory given who God is?? WHY, Ox….WHY WHY WHY??? I see the patterns here. I see that I was set up to make these decisions. Well, guess what?? Now I know the differences….and how “too late” is it for me? Quit smoking. OKAY! Well, guess what, you’re someone who is proficient with regards to medical science! The heaping amounts of BULLSHIT fed upon those of us naive and unsuspecting patients being told that our lungs would be as a non smokers within FIVE years is BULLSHIT!!! Unfortunately, I was not apprised of that, not even by my own doctor, until I went to school and studied my anatomy and physiology!!

My choices. They all have sucked. They all have been for others and not for me. I feel like such an IDIOT for having disrespected myself so much this way!!!

I have no one clue how to deal with it, Ox. Not emotionally, physically, spiritually…

I’ve read, and in fact own, “stalking the Soul” fascinating book. Perhaps I should read it AGAIN with what I know right now…when denial is gone, it’s amazing what infiltrates the brain without it! Scripture is the same way. I never saw it a different way, Ox, until I came here, although there is one of my favorite scriptures that is this: “Do not give to dogs what is sacred. Do not give your pearls to swine, for they may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces!”


That was the first scripture I read with actual impact for me.

I’m angry. I’m also very sad. VERY sad…grieving the losses of what should have been RIGHTLY mine in having been raised in a way that was loving, without the sucking up, and angry at myself for not knowing better sooner….and even still, knowing better is not necessarily comfortable right now.

I’m pissed I’m in this place. Ever read a book called “In the Meantime” Great book. I’ve also read Sam Vaknin’s book. It was my bible, literally, when I knew something was wrong, yet didn’t know what…then when it described my Spath to a tee, it STILL didn’t sink in….another book, “Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in your life”….by Linda Martinez-Lewi….excellent book. oh and let’s see, one of my all time faves in which I have literally read it so many times now, that it’s tattered and worn is Lundy Bancroft’s, “Why does he do that?”

I’ve also read the boundaries book, a Christian book, but can’t recall the names of the authors now.

I’m just so angry. Sad and angry.

I know I need a relationship with me. And right now, I don’t know how to do that other than just trying to get through each day without crying, having panic attacks or remaining on hypervigilance because of my relationship with ass face.

This is just where I am right now. It sucks. It really does!

And I can’t even apologize if it seems negative. Because right now, that’s all I FEEL!


lesson learned – let ‘er rip. be negative. be pissed and angry and sad and GRIEVE.

but try not to hate it; try to just let it be. don’t pay much attention to anyone that suggests any different – that you should feel or act differently is ludicrous.

and you, the one you are pissed off with right now – you can make a good decision – seems you’ve made a few already.

My mom had Alzheimer’s by 58, I’m 50. i hear you.
And you CAN affect your health by quitting smoking. Can it inoculate you against cancer? nope, but it is a hell of a good move. I am an ex smoker. I got there with help. Although you may have all the info you need already, the link at the bottom is to a really good booklet. If you find this info irritating, just ignore it.

these are the latest stats according to the canadian cancer society:

The minute you stop smoking, your body begins to cleanse itself of tobacco poisons. Here’s how:

* Within 8 hours, carbon monoxide levels in your body and oxygen levels in your blood increases.
* After 2 days, your sense of smell and taste begin to improve.
* Within 2 weeks to 3 months, your lungs work better making it easier to breathe.
* Within 6 months, coughing, sinus congestion, tiredness and shortness of breath improve.
* After 1 year, your risk of a smoking-related heart attack is reduced by half.

Quit now and reduce the risk of developing cancer. In general, the longer you don’t smoke the more you lower your risk.
* Within 10 years of quitting, the overall risk of an ex-smoker dying from lung cancer is cut in half.
* Your risk of cancers of the mouth, throat, larynx, esophagus, bladder and cervix decreases.

you can download a quit smoking guide for people who don’t want to quit smoking here:

One Step,

Thank you. I know there are benefits to quitting smoking. I was venting. I’m not ready to quit right now. I’m learning to try to be okay with being angry with things, as well as sad. It’s a lot to sort through. I would never encourage anyone NOT to quit. I know it’s healthier, even if in the present, to quit. I wish I was ready, but I”m just not yet. In some ways, it’s almost conforting to me right now, as unhealthy as that sounds.

I’m not irritated at all. I appreciate your quoting the benefits of quitting. I hope to be a non smoker someday.

Right now, I need to focus on working through what was this last relationship with Spath, my role in it and just feeling what I feel for now. It’ll take time.

Thanks again.

Has anyone else’s LF’s formatting changed so that you have to scroll back & forth to see the whole line of text?
Do you know what I’m talking about?
I haven’t been here in a few days & when I logged on to this page tonite, it was like this.


yup, been going on for days.


i have lf on my menu bar and if i refresh with that url the formatting goes back to normal.

Yep….here too!

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