By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS
“When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser”–Socrates
It comes as no surprise to me that during this “crisis” of COVID-19, narcissists capitalize on the misfortune of others and use the quarantine to take their abuse and lack of respect to new heights.
Divorced and separated individuals are especially susceptible to the narcissist’s pathological rage during a time like this.
Let’s examine an example of a narcissist using the crisis as leverage.
Rob’s ex-spouse wants 100% custody
Rob has children under the age of 11. Rob has partial custody and had maintained this custody arrangement for years, but not without a fight.
Rob is a hard-working man and an involved father. Rob has been divorced for 9 years and is happily remarried. His ex-spouse, Gail, has an undisclosed personality disorder. She has never informed him of what she is treated for in her counseling sessions.
Gail spent these last years in court trying to win 100% custody of the children. She spent thousands of dollars provided by her family, but was continually unsuccessful.
Instead of calling Rob personally and informing him of any issues with their children, she emails as documentation for custody hearings, which has become a hobby of hers since has been divorced. Gail stonewalls Rob through the silent treatment and insists they text or email.
Gail’s disordered communication regarding COVID-19
Gail works in a busy health care office, and she has been exposed to COVID-19 positive patients. She tells Rob, a week after testing that she has “symptoms” of a virus, was tested for COVID-19 and is negative. She then suggests that their children stay with her during Rob’s custody periods to avoid possibly spreading the virus.
Instead of immediately informing Rob concerning the possibility that she could be a carrier, she keeps the children with her during her designated weekend rather than calling Rob and asking him to take the children so that they do not contract the virus.
Rob sends her an email requesting more information about her symptoms. She never tells him and avoids the issue. Furthermore, she states that the children can let him know how they are doing on their daily call to him when they are in mother’s custody.
Rob cannot believe what he is reading, but he is accustomed to her oppositional and uncooperative behavior. Her emails are a never-ending word salad of accusations, put-downs and threats, which make him forget what he was emailing about in the first place.
Rob asserts his parental rights
Rob sends her another email, since she refuses to speak to him, and he writes that minor children should not be responsible for relaying such crucial and sensitive information to their father. He also informs her that if she does not cooperate with him for the sake of the children and keep him updated daily, that he will have no other recourse than to report her to her superiors where she works.
At this point, Gail becomes unhinged. Her last email to him is hysterical and threatening. Litigation is mentioned to stir up fear in Rob. The only thought in his mind is NOT AGAIN. Rob has been dragged to court at least 4 times a year for the last 10 years. Rob asks himself, as he does every time she rears her ugly sociopathic core, will she ever realize how damaging her behavior is to herself, Rob and their children?
What is wrong with Gail’s treatment toward her ex-husband, especially during a crisis situation — and what should she be doing for the sake of her children’s health?
- Gail does not have a history of honesty with her ex-husband. Narcissists are pathological liars. She never told him she was receiving counseling for a mental disorder while they were married. Instead of informing him, she hides it so that he cannot have any proof that she may be unfit as a mother.
- Gail receives much of her finances from her parents, giving her the ability to harass Rob until he is financially and emotionally exhausted. Her goal is for him to give up custody of the children, her source of supply and “prize.” Narcissists must win at all costs.
- Gail will not speak to Rob in person or on the phone. In the past, when Rob has attempted amicable communication, she could not be agreeable in any way or compromise. With narcissists, it’s their way or the highway.
- The COVID-19 outbreak was a prime opportunity for Gail to manipulate information. She is a medical professional and knows how to keep key points from Rob and give him just enough so that she seems credible.
- The children’s health is not her top priority. Keeping them with her during a time of possible infection, she puts them in harm’s way. Narcissists see their children as objects and unfortunately Gail’s emotions take precedence over anyone else.
- Narcissists use the children as pawns with their ex-spouse. Narcissistic mothers can be engulfing and proceed to use them to relay information that is not appropriate for children.
- When narcissists are challenged in any way, the mask begins to slip and the awful rage rises to the surface, as we see with Gail when Rob is left with no other choice than to report her irresponsible behavior.
If Gail just communicated with Rob concerning her health and the children’s welfare, Rob would not feel it necessary to report her to her employer. Gail’s pride will not allow her to have reasonable exchanges with Rob. It is imperative that she is always right and in authority.
Rob is a dangerous adversary to Gail– since he unmasked her false self before they were divorced. Since then, she has been stalking and harassing him through the courts as she cowardly hides behind email communication only. He inflicted narcissistic injury upon her, and she is out for revenge. Gail, the abuser, must silence the target, Rob.
COVID-19, to a narcissistic, is an incident that can be molded and formed into a vehicle to exploit and manipulate their targets.
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Why is it that when a narcissist only wants to communicate through email, it’s considered “stonewalling”, but when the non-disordered person only wants to communicate through emails, it’s okay because it’s a way of maintaining “no-contact” when communication is still needed for parenting purposes?
Jill, most couples who are divorced with children, (and one of them being disordered)– most of the time– they are advised by those knowledgeable about narcissists to go “low contact”. Which means only necessary communication in emails and only about the children.
Narcs usually take that a step further and beyond— and use email to bully, criticize, demean and threaten. So this makes it very difficult to communicate with the disordered spouse.
Narcissists, for the most part, cannot hide their pathological patterns of behavior in email, because it is easier to mistreat someone when you are not speaking to them or seeing them in person. Being the recipient of harassment through emails/texts is just as traumatizing as physical abuse. And the non-disordered parent needs to do everything in their power to protect his or herself and the children.
If the non-disordered parent has done all he or she could to have amicable communication with the other party, and the other party is not able to so, then the non-disordered parent should only have email contact and ensure that it is short, sweet and business like. But even low contact could be dangerous, depending where on the spectrum we find the narcissist operating. Although narcissists may shock and surprise you, many of their behaviors are predictable due to the similar mindset they all seem to have.
No need to get personal, because when you are divorced from a narc, from that point on, you must approach it as “only business”. In addition, no/low contact is necessary for emotional, physical and psychological healing. If the narc wants to talk and have contact— he or she should should have thought of that when they were mistreating and abusing their ex-spouse– who now is in self-preservation mode. So yes, if low contact does not work, it is okay for the non-disordered spouse to have no contact if necessary, and use other third parties to communicate with the disordered spouse if needed.
Hope my answer helped you in some way! Have a great day!
Divorced sociopaths with young children do not co-parent, willfully, especially if they have more custody time, and more money to spend on court hearings. No mediator, judge or parental guide can fix this behavior. They choose to make life difficult for everyone, because they do not give one damn about anyone else- plus it’s all fun and games to them. They use the children as messengers, and this teaches the children that they are middlemen and minimizes the authority of the non-disordered parent.
Narcissitic mothers do the most damage in my estimation. The courts usually favor the woman, and if she is cunning enough, she will exhaust every avenue to make sure the ex-husband’s character is assassinated.