How to attract a new relationship after the sociopath

Donna Andersen and Terry Kelly at Longwood Gardens in February, 2017.

Donna Andersen and Terry Kelly at Longwood Gardens in February, 2017.

Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:

I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.

If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.

I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.

Negative emotion

When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation””far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.

We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.

It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.

So what are we to do?

Feel the pain

I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.

Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years””years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.

Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation””just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical””stomping the floor, twisting towels””until we feel an emotional release.

But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.

These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.

In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection””well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.

With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.

This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.

Healthy and peaceful

Then an amazing thing happens””when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.

I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband””in a bar.

Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.

My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie””it’s the real thing.

Lovefraud first published this article on Sept. 14, 2009.

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16 Comments on "How to attract a new relationship after the sociopath"

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Thank you so much for your touching post and I am so happy that you found true happiness and love with Terry. I have been reading your website since 2011; a year after I was divorced from my husband of 26 years. At that time I was drowning in confusion, self doubt and devastation…I just couldn’t comprehend what happened to this idealic marriage. I came to your website looking for answers…and I found them.

Fast forward two years and I was on a senior dating site and thought I had met a wonderful, honest man. That relationship went off and on for 2 1/2 years. I again ignored all the red flags because I believed he really was terminally ill; and was divorced. Even when I found out he was still married but living in a different state; I tried to remain friends because I genuinely thought he was a good person. WRONG. I have purged girlfriends from my life for being dishonest. Why in the world would I keep a self admitted liar in my life as a friend and think he was now being honest?!!

I felt compelled to comment here because something you said really resonated with me….WHEN YOU PURGE THE NEGATIVE ENERGY, IT IS REPLACED BY PEACE, HOPE AND SELF LOVE.

About 8 months ago; I was led to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). It wasn’t until I started working on the Steps that I came to realize what part I had played in attracting all these Spaths/Narcs in my life. I guess I always believed I could change them and everyone has good in them. How wrong I was; you cannot fix someone that is broken…even myself; until I fixed myself I knew I would never be happy and attract the relationship I deserved and so desperately longed for.

I am happy to say that today I feel at peace within myself and am dating a man that I initially kept on the back burner because he seemed “BORING” (i.e. None of that crazy love struck emotion as I have had in the past).
This man is a good, solid human being and each time we are with or away from one another I just feel this peacefulness and ease…. he means what he says and his actions match his words. There is no gaslighting, love bombing and triangulation. Calm and peacefulness has replaced Mind F’ing.

Thank you so much for the devotion you put into LoveFraud. If it hadn’t been for you I believe I may never have found my way to a happy, healthy life. I still read your site almost daily and each story I hear still resonates with me and triggers something from my past…the only difference today is that it no longer consumes me..but it does remind me of how far I have come. NO CONTACT was a huge help in leading me on my way to recovery…and reading new posts each day was and still is comfort that none of us are alone in our journey.

Please help me deal with my ex husband who is a narcissist. We unfortunately have 50/50 custody and he is making my life a living hell. Our daughter is not even 2 years old yet. I have zero family in the state we live in and he has a support system to help him. Help! Any advice please.

cassandrajk23, I’m sorry you are going thru hell right now.

Check out the site One moms battle. com…you are not alone. one moms battle deals with child custody & divorce court issues.

Also see their Facebook page. If you are going to chat on their Facebook page I suggest that you open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page & set the privacy settings so that you can chat freely without your ex or his friends or family seeing what you are chatting about.

If you go up to the top right of Lovefraud you can do a search on One moms battle & see what Donna Anderson (love fraud site creator) has written about One moms battle. Also Donna & Tina Swiften created a video (Tina is One moms battle site creator). Their Facebook page has over 30,000 members who are in the same boat as you = dealing with a narcissist.

Hugs to you.

Wishing you all the best.

Take care.


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