UPDATED FOR 2020
A girl walks into a bar. A band was playing and the place was packed, so there were no empty bar stools.
The girl had had a rough few years. First she married a man who turned out to be a con artist that took all her money. Then she dated a guy who wasn’t a con artist, but broke her heart.
A tall, nice-looking man leaned against the bar. He offered the girl a place to put her coat. Then he offered to buy the girl a drink.
She accepted. They chatted. They danced. And they lived happily ever after.
This story is true. The girl is me, and this happened on April 28, 2001, when I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my husband.
Did I know on that day that I had met the man I would marry? No, I did not. The relationship evolved as relationships should.
But before I met him, I worked really hard to heal my heart, not only from the con artist, but from all my misconceptions that had made me vulnerable to the scam. I wasn’t totally healed when I met Terry, but I was far enough along that I could once again risk opening my heart and hope to find love after the sociopath.
Overcoming the sociopath
Many, many Lovefraud readers wonder if they can again find love after the sociopath.
The answer is yes, you can. First, however, you need to recover from the sociopath.
There are two aspects to the recovery. One is overcoming the betrayal of the sociopath. This, of course, is not easy, and it is not instant.
Even if you were involved with the sociopath for only a short time, these relationships are very damaging. You may have suffered terrible abuse — emotional, psychological, financial, physical and/or sexual.
When you’re just starting out, recovery may seem overwhelming. Every aspect of your life may be in shambles. So you chip away at it. You work on getting your finances stabilized. You work on processing the emotional pain. You work on rebuilding your health.
It is not unusual for the process to take several years. All you can do is slog through the mess. You keep going until you reach the other side.
Processing the emotions
Although rebuilding the physical and financial aspects of your life are important, the real work, with the real payoff, is in treating your emotional wounds.
Because of the sociopath, you are certainly feeling a full gamut of negative emotions: Anger, fear, betrayal, disappointment, embarrassment, grief, shame, hatred, anxiety and depression.
All these emotions need to be purged from your system. This is important for two reasons: First, if the emotions stay within you, they will fester and turn into some kind of illness. Secondly, the emotions will make you vulnerable to another sociopath. (That’s why it’s never a good idea to start dating before you have healed.)
How do you get the emotions out of your system? You allow yourself to experience them — preferably either alone or with the help of a competent therapist. You cry, moan, yell, curl up in a ball, pummel a punching bag — whatever it takes to release the emotional steam.
The original vulnerability
As you’re doing this, you’ll probably find that your negative emotions are attached to another experience in your life. Perhaps you had previous dysfunctional relationships or a bad childhood. Or even if you didn’t suffer overt abuse, you may have developed negative beliefs about yourself, such as, “I’m not attractive,” or “Nobody wants me.”
When you remember these earlier experiences or beliefs, congratulate yourself, because you have discovered what made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
Once you see the connections, what do you do with them? You treat them exactly the same way that you treat the negative emotions caused by the sociopath. You allow yourself to experience the pain — in whatever way enables you to release it.
Again, this takes time.
Focusing on peace and joy
As you clear out the negative energy, be sure to replace it with good energy. How? By doing anything that makes you happy and brings you joy — anything from reading a good book to enjoying a walk in the park to spending time with friends.
By clearing out the pain and replacing it with peace, you shift your emotional structure and your outlook on life. This changes everything.
Then, you may someday walk into a bar, or someplace else, and meet the person with whom you can share a true and lasting love.
How narcissists use COVID-19 against their targets
“You go Donna”! It’s your time now! I’m glad to hear you are finally getting someone who deserves you! God Bless…Winifred
So happy for you Donna (& Terry)..Congratulations!
Looking good Donna! A lovely couple! Xxx
Such an inspiration, Donna. You two look beautiful together!
Thank you all. I posted this story to remind Lovefraud readers that happiness and love are possible after the sociopath.
It might take some time, and there may be interim involvements that are not dysfunctional, but just another step along the way.
The key is what is going on inside you. If you have limiting beliefs, or if you spend a lot of time focused on, “Why am I alone?” (I did that), it will be hard to find the connection you want. Anything you can do to bring happiness, joy and peace into your life prepares the way for love.
Thank you Donna, for showing there is light at the end of the tunnel. Nice photo of a NORMAL (whoohoo!) couple. I hope to be a normal couple, too, someday.
It’s impossible to restore a relationship with a sociopath because there never really was one. But by severing the ties that strangle, only then is it possible to find real love.
Beautiful photo. Beautiful couple.
Donna, can I ask what was the reaction of your family and friends to your first husband (spath) before and after you married and did you listen to them?
anam cara – my family wanted to see me happy and trusted that I knew what I was doing. I found out later that they were asking questions among themselves, but virtually nothing was said to me until it was too late.
A happy ending is the best inspiration to us, Donna. This is a great story and picture. You both look so happy! Thank you for sharing!
HI DONNA,
AS USUAL, you have covered a much needed area of emotional need and advice on how to handle these emotions.
I have an update. I still experience the anger, only because so much was stolen from me. However quite a while ago I came to the realization that I am glad she is gone. Our marriage was over long before being discarded. That being said, I was not going to be the one to end the marriage, as being a Christian, I don’t believe in divorce.
I pray quite a bit, and pray that God takes that anger away. it is a poison that flows thru your veins, and does not hurt the spath, it only hurts you.
So, the anger has gotten smaller, and I can pray for her that God gives her clarity and remorse for everything that she has done to me and others.
MY update is, I met a wonderful woman, who is NORMAL. She is known by good friends of mine. Some have known her since she was a kid. She gets a glowing description from everyone who has met her. I have recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer. No worries, we caught it early and I am having surgery to have it removed.
She has stated that she is not “running away””. She is standing beside me thru this. She has also said that I am not to worry if they have to cut the nerves. She said “Hunny, don’t worry. Sex is over rated. I just want you alive.” She wants nothing from me but to live.
So, it is possible to meet a normal person, and embrace the love they have for you. I have, and feel that God has turned my life around. I am blessed.
I pray and hope that the rest of you will find this healing, and love from a NORMAL.
Phillip – good for you! I am glad you have found happiness.
Donna – our wise counsel – thank you for reminding us that a healthy relationship is attainable after life with our Me-Monsters. You look authentically happy with Terry at your side. Lovely!
I was given some advice to come to this site from a friend of mine. I am in such a state of turmoil and confusion. I lived with and dated a man for 6 years..the relationship started out as a lie and I should have known then, but we went on 6 years, many lies about stupid things. I found out after a few months of dating him he had not 1, but 2 children. One with a different woman. The baby was 9 months old, and I stayed with him. He said he did not tell me about the child because he did not think it was his. I raised this baby with him on weekends and holidays and thru 6 years, as well as his 5 year old and my son. We had many many arguments ..always over him lying to me about things. One year, he lost his job of 5 years. I did not know at the time he lost this job..he would shower and wake up..leave work when I did and then come home. The only way I found out he had lost his job, was I emailed him one day just saying hi and the email kicked back,I called the enterprise branch and they advised me he did not work there. After this happened, I freaked out of course because he had been lying to me. Rather then explain what happened he took off”and ended in the hospital. He said I had caused him so much stress he had chest pains. He ended up in the mental ward of the hospital for 3 days and would not speak to me..i was on a restricted list only his ex wife he let in. I was confused and hurt and he blamed me for landing him in there and so did his family. So, he came home after this and we talked it thru. In 2010 I lost my 36 year old sister, and he took care of me and was very good for me and there for me. Of course lies kept going on here and there. we talked about engagement as I am 35 and wanted to be married at some point. I thought of him as my best friend and always forgave him for his lies. He was very nice when he wanted to be, but very evil also. A few months ago, Jan 31st we had a argument over rent. He decided he was going to pay it 5 days late and didn’t discuss it with me..or tell me why if he was having money issues. He said he was paying it late to sit on his money a few days. I disputed this with him..and he did not come home. It is not April 20th, and after 2 months of him using the excuse that I threw him out over rent, that he needed time to fox himself..i have been discarded. I found out he had been seeing not 1, but 2 women at work one that he moved in with already. All his belongings are in out home..he has not helped me with money as he promised. Before I had found out about these women..he was saying he would come home one night a week and try to work things out. He would show up..and often I would hear him talking in the downstairs bathroom. I asked him whos talking or who he was talking to, he said no one I was hearing things. The day I found him at the young 27 year ols place (hes 38) he had told me he was staying at his sons because his ex wife was out of town. he called me and whispered goodnight and said he was whispering because the child was asleep. that morning I woke up..and decided to drive by the sons home. He was not there. I then headed over to the girls house whos address I had obtained from a mutal friend. as I pulled up to the apartment complex he called me. I asked him where he was , he said at his sons house like he had told me. I told him he is NOT there..he continued to tell me he was. I then saw his van. I told him I was parked next to his van..and he came out. I questioned him what he was doing there and all he said was shes a friend get away from me. I sat on hood of the van and would not move I wanted answers and was devastated. He called the police on me for not letting him leave. The police came and talked with us both and that was the end of that. The next few days I did not speak with him. He then called and said he had ended everything with nikki that they were just friends and she wanted nothing to do with him. I believed him ..he said he was coming home. A few days past that I got a text message from a woman whom he works with that she confirmed he had been trying to hook up with her since septemeber, and he had even invited her to out home while I was at work. I confronted him and he right away left work and filed a peace order on me. I have all his things in the home..he hasn’t even been back he threw me and my 18 yr old son away just like that. In court..my mother was crying and asked him why he is doing this..she said to him ” you told me you loved her”. He responded ’ I do love her”. the judge asked if I wanted to consent to the order..i did simply because he DID have enough phone records of me calling I did not care to dispute. When the judge asked him how long he wants the order..he replied 2 months I guess I don’t want to get her in trouble. Sorry to ramble on here but my life has been turned upside down and im in such despair that he has moved on so fast after 6 years..thrown us away and not even caring to get his things or talk. the sick part is I miss him,.i should be angry. I cant sleep..eat..nothing. I simply don’t know what to do to recover
I feel ya Tara – Its been a year since I found out my spath was lying about his secret relationship after 10 years (two of which I waited for him & supported him while he was in prison) He promised and wrote to me while he was in prison that he would totally change and filled me with so much hope that going to prison had “taught him a lesson” and he “never wanted to lose me & our daughter again or be apart from us” but soon after his release from prison in 8/2012 it started all over again – the lying – the disappearing – the drug use – the gambling – the other women calling his phone again – THE NO JOB HAVING ASSHOLE WAS BACK AND NO CHANGE – i tried the one thing that I hadnt been able to do before he went to prison and that was to kick him out hoping he would get a job to be able to come back home, but guess what? That was too much to ask of that bastard to get ANY job so that he could help me with raising our daughter so he found another DUMMY JUST LIKE ME TO LIE TO WHILE SHE SUPPORTS HIM AND HE USES HER to take my place and I was discarded. I was devistated even when I knew better and my odds of him doing what he promised were slim to none but I had to try. After learning to live without him while he was in prison, I found out 1 important thing and that was I COULD LIVE WITHOUT HIM – I know its hard but the way I did it was kind of like the AA people do to get off drugs and alcohol, because he was MY ADDICTION. I took it ONE DAY AT A TIME – I prayed A LOT – I CRIED – I still do but not as much – I forced myself to do things by enrolling in classes and enrolling my 9 yr old in classes and activities to get out of myself and around other people. (There ARE other people in the world other than HIM and some of them are in fact very nice) I wont sugar coat it honey, because it is HARD, likely the HARDEST thing I have done. But I have my kids and they love me UNCONDITIONALLY and their love is what has been a rock for me to cling to in my weakest times. I have a 20 yr old son who was 18 at the time I threw Mr A Hole out who held me and cried with me because he loved him too, and it was also this fine young MAN of mine who told me “LEAVE THAT DUDE ALONE – YOU ARE NOT HIS MOMMA!ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO RAISE HIM AND THAT LADY THAT TOOK HIM OFF YOUR HANDS DID YOU A FAVOR, NOT A DISSERVICE” Let all those “YOUNG ONES” have that MR A Hole of yours Tara, he is not worthy of you and your son! I may still be struggling with the depression, embarrassment and self-doubt from what happened to me in the foul relationship I fought so hard to stay in but I WILL NEVER GO BACK, JUST FOR TODAY! Thats why I can only gauge time as ONE DAY AT A TIME as that is the only way I can deal with it in my own mind , heart and soul. Anything more is too much to deal with for me and it has worked thus far- I read this website OFTEN I hope you do as well now that you have found it because I have found it helps to know that YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE who has fell, and fell hard, and doesnt understand why you cant get off that slippery slope of falling HE put you on, and wonder secretly to yourself “DO I WANT TO GET OFF AT ALL?” Yes, I think we do want off and do want to be better and no matter if it takes a long time to heal, you are 35 darlin and that is WAY too young to give up on yourself finding love! Hell, Im 53, and even though I have found peace that possibly I may live out the rest of my life alone, I still won’t give up hope that there may be someone for me! The important thing is that you realize IT IS NOT HIM and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Have a great day TODAY because you are beautiful Tara! Just today please remember that and tomorrow and the next day will be better for you without HIM, I promise! We are here for you when you need support in this forum that Donna has created and blessed us with thank God!
My heart breaks for you Taralav. I’m so sorry for the pain and despair you feel and that your love is for such a leach. I see you are getting great advise here.
Great advise biggestdummyofall (which can’t be an accurate name because you sound very wise). I can relate to your story and the pain you and your son shared. I’m sorry you were involved with an A$$ and glad that your good days are outweighing the bad!
One Day at a Time has been my process too, as of late. Before, I tried so hard to control the future by attempting to control my husband and the circumstances. I wanted so bad to have the security of knowing that the future was going to be better. But it really was too much to think about and I stayed frustrated and overwhelmed.
Now that I do ONE DAY AT A TIME, I feel more empowered and less frustrated. Usually I can handle this mess of a life if it’s packaged in a one day helping. Hey sometimes, I can’t. On those days, I cry, pamper myself, read LF suggestions and stories, and get busy with some type of distraction. Then the next day, I start over.
Taralav,
I can tell you are really hurting and my heart goes out to you. Our stories are all pretty similar because the characteristics of a sociopath are all the same.
One of the things that is helping me is to write it down. I have written letter after letter to my Spath and every member of his sorry family…..but I never mail them. At least it provides an outlet for my emotions. I believe the no contact advice is critical to recovery. I was fortunate enough to obtain a three year protective order which affords me the no contact but sometimes I still feel I need closure. So I write, and I write and I write! Then I shred the letters when I feel stronger. If I start to feel weak again, I just write again….and trust me some of those letters are not so nice! Hang in there and reach out to us if you need support!