When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avtj8tdpr5Y
Pebbles… Girlfriend….good song for us! 🙂 Old school but awesome!
Don’t let him put you down
Girl, he’s been messing around
You’ve been used, abused
Baby, make your move
You’ve learned your lesson now
So turn this hurt around
Wow, I’m reading some of my old posts from a year ago. What a long journey! Back a year ago, I was very attached to my most regular salsa dance partner. I had waited A YEAR for him to come around. We had a mutual attraction, and our chemistry on the dance floor was combustible. We matched up in other ways, and he is a very refined gentleman on and off the dance floor. I waited and waited for a kiss from him, and finally I just broke off our entire relationship and walked away. He never called me again. It hurt like hell. My best gf from salsa class ended up teaching with him and becoming his close friend and possibly even more – I didn’t stick around to find out. I still occasionally see them at the clubs and the last time it happened, I got triggered. Then I sought help in the form of EMDR to release the PTSD aspect of it. It worked.
But here is what I learned from that traumatic situation. WHEN A GUY TELLS YOU WHO HIS IS, BELIEVE HIM. This guy told me from the start he had gone through a painful divorce and was not ready for a relationship. He said salsa dancing fulfilled his needs, and that was all he wanted. So HE was not the problem. He was completely honest with me. I didn’t believe him so I romanticized the relationship. I didn’t listen. I know better now.
The latest guy in my life was just the opposite. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, and he is not afraid to be physical with me. But his behaviors don’t match up with his words. I have come to realize after knowing him quite a while that he is a bullshit artist of some sort. So I’m gradually fading him from my life. He plays games, but the games are not so interesting to me these days. The relationship (or lack thereof) is just running its course. He will still probably pop up like a whack-a-mole periodically because he probably will be unable to commit to anyone. I suspect he is an alcoholic and a narcissist. I will probably never know because he is not asking me out on dates which he knows is what I need.
Again, when a man tells you – or shows you – what he is, BELIEVE HIM! I’m a little slow sometimes but I DO get the lesson.
I too was reading some of my old comments. How far I have come. I am now no contact well over a year. I now officially divorced. It was a long, difficult journey and so worth it. To divorce him was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Looking back now, going through the different stages of hurt, anger, sadness and acceptance I must say that the no contact rule was very important. I don’t have any minor children so staying no contact was possible.
To this day I receive little nasty notes from the ex with the monthly alimony check which he was court ordered to pay for the rest of my life . He still tries to get a reaction out of me. He just does not get it. In his notes he still blames me for the cheating and the discard. I just file those notes away in a folder called “evil” on the advice of my attorney.
I changed my phone no and email. But he finds new ways to try to provoke me. He will never change. He is the one who cheated and left and us upset now that he has to pay alimony.
I will stay no contact because he does not exist to me anymore.
I like the idea of a file folder called “evil”. 🙂
Hi Kaya I just wanted to say Hi to you and haneli and star Annette and all my other LF friends. I will be back up and writing soon- just been dealing with my moms passing and getting things in order. I hope you are doing well- I have so much to tell you all about the spath and what he has been doing to me ..
Thinking of you, taralav! Love to all.
I met my Spath during a difficult divorce from a narcissist. After going through over $100,000 and my sanity, I finally was able to evict him. It was so awful, I didn’t even go home the last month which enabled him to take just about anything i would need to function. He moved in with a women and I was honoring the no contact rule for 3 months when she called me to say she was kicking him out. she told me she was sorry for believing all the awful stuff he said about me and SHE was the one who told me he was a sociopath. I was with him for 7 years and not once looked up information on a sociopath. I believed his brain injury (accident) and his upbringing were the reasons he had a constant defiant teenager mentality. I guess I felt like his protector. Well, after he got kicked out of her place He started coming around telling me he wants to go to a therapist and work on our relationship. Long story short, he holds me hostage, I fight back, he takes my phone (which he sold the next day) and videotapes me coming after him. I call the cops but I end up getting arrested. Since he had my address listed as his, they let him move back into my home, and I wasn’t allowed to go there. He filed an affidavit to say I broke the no-contact order and just like that I’m arrested.I had to close my business to sit in jail AGAIN.Then he filed a restraining order calling me abusive and we ended up in court where it was very difficult listening to him lie about everything. I filed one against him but he was a more convincing liar than I was a truth-teller. In the end I was able to get a judgement and writ of possession so that he was forced out of my home, but he was still able to steal everything he didn’t take during the eviction and along with all of my possessions, he took tons of financial paperwork, credit cards, even personal items. He had also vandalized the smoke detector system which probably happened when he was cooking for the first time on his own. What shocked me was that he boxed up everything that had to do with me, my photos, toiletries, basically turning MY house into his bachelor pad. (Of course, at the time he didn’t know he would soon be evicted forever) I’m sure he thought the restraining order against me would keep me from being able to go to that house for a very long time MY house.
Anyway, I go to court for battery charges soon and will fight it and take it to trial (yes, for a misdemeanor) because I REFUSE to let him win on this. I want him exposed. He should be punished for perjury and for battery and for theft and for selling stolen property (which he spent 9 years in prison for before I met him) but more importantly, I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ARRESTED for self-defense. He has the cops believing him which I’m having a hard time with. They wouldn’t even take my report about him stealing my phone because they said that I couldn’t prove it. Then the guy who bought it on the street gave it back to me bc it had a message that it was stolen and to call me. When I went to the police they said that technically I’m not a victim anyway bc I got my phone back. so not only dealing with being played and set up by my spath, but all the other unfair stuff happening in this town. I’m suicidal and feeling like i’m going to need to shut my business down because I can’t even function. I feel that maybe this needed to happen to see his “evil” his true evil.
I guess the point of this is that I shouldn’t have taken her call because he convinced the judge that I was the reason she kicked him out because I’m a stalker. He has been setting me up for a long time. And I should have never given in and met with him. ugh it’s such a complicated story. And it makes me feel stupid
twiceinalifetime,
Also contact your States Attorney office and see what resources they have.
From this point forward document everything.
I recently had to go to court with a spath and I have to say that I did not document on paper(until I filed the protection order)but I did document it here.
The court system in my city has an advocate that can help you.
I found out about the advocate the day before my hearing and she was a lifesaver.
YOU ARE NOT STUPID..HE IS EVIL .
Do you have a lawyer?
If you do not reach out to every available resource.
I contacted the city domestic violence hotline and they were helpful as well as the National Domestic violence hotline thehotline.org 1800799SAFE
SITC
twiceinalifetime – I am so sorry for your experience. Unfortunately, many other Lovefraud readers have found themselves in similar situations. You are not alone.
I offer two suggestions – try to gather as much documentation and evidence as you can. Courts want to base decisions on evidence.
And, do your best to stay calm. Sociopaths are masters at being calm in court, and if you are upset, they are more believable. Work on releasing your stress before you go to court – it will help when you are there. We have many articles on Lovefraud that will help you.
I am trying so hard not to think about how I have been duped. When he had a policeman come to my business to get his printer, I asked the police to get my car keys and my phone from him then. I was told I have an attitude and “to just go down to Honda and get myself a new pair of keys made. $200 big deal” Same thing the night I got arrested. “well, how old is your phone? 2 years? just go buy a new one it’s probably only worth $50” My phone was wiped clean when I got it back and my new one cost $500. Plus, the night I got arrested no one asked me if I wanted a female cop to look at my injuries under my shirt and pants. They told me later that I should have asked for one. I asked them how I was supposed to know that when I have never been arrested.
Anyway, because I’m still dealing with a battery charge and a trial (for a misdemeanor) it’s hard to realize at the same time that his “affection” was to get my house, my money, and now that I’m looking back at our relationship to know that I believed I was his protector I guess. I’m having a pity party and embarrassed that I have a mug shot so when people google my business or name, there it is! I knew he was wired wrong and was hinted to by many of his friends and found out that he’s always trashed talk me for all these years. But, this incident showed me exactly how he works. After hearing all the lies in court and then seeing some texts and mostly after his last “landlady” told me about all the stuff he told her and that all he did the whole time he lived with her was try to get a lawyer to sue me for money and set me up to ruin me. And still badmouthing my business and driving by my house and smirking. It’s very hard for me to just not think about what he is trying to do to me or what he’s saying to ruin my business and how he’s trying to destroy me through the court and just put on a happy face and move on. I’ve lost at least 10 pounds in the last week, my heart won’t settle down, sleeping pills do not help me sleep and there are waiting lists to get into counselors which will tell me the same thing. Let it go, move on, keep busy. ugh
This does help to read that others made it through. I’ve been hit with a triple whammy and I was finally getting over my marriage of 24 years with a narcissist, so was blinded with my Spath because he showered me with affection which I didn’t get in my marriage.
Oh,,, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I know you’ve heard this story over and over. I know that there are many women like me who are going or have gone through this. And that is helpful to know that I will survive. But right now, I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I feel so unlovable. I will never trust anyone again.
twiceinalifetime,
I am reading your story and wanted to reach out real quick to see how are you doing today???
Stronginthecity
twiceinalifetime,
I wanted to ask you if you have a primary care doctor to see?
If yes, make an appointment asap and explain what has happened and see what he/she can do for you and to get this documented.
If no doctor, consider going to ER.
Even if you do not have insurance they have to see you and don’t worry about the bill.
Ask the person who registers you to have a hospital advocate see you are you are having a financial hardship and most hospitals will write off the entire bill.
Please, please get yourself sleeping so that you are able to rest and think about what is next.
We will help you the best we can, ok?
You are not alone, I promise.
First things first, please see a medical professional so that you can get some treatment, something to calm you down for now.
Please let us know how you are doing, ok???
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Dear Twiceinalifetime,
I find your story very similar to mine. I am so sorry to hear about your pain as I know and understand it all so well.
This is my story and I am desperately seeking any advice and help with others who can help and advise.
I recently ended and cancelled a wedding to a sociopathic narcissist…..we were in a tumultuous on and off again relationship for 2 years. He is on the more extreme levels of these disorders(Sociopathic Narcissist) to which I attribute to enormous wealth and a high level of intelligence with 2 degrees in psychology. He retained his wealth in the early stages of the technology industry with coding, data processing and social marketing corporations. Needless to say he has hacked everything I own.
He was wealthy at age 23 and I have learned the ruthless corporate strategies he uses to obliterate competitive companies in the industry he is in and what means he goes to bankrupt them only to buy them out in an attempt to monopolize that particular industry. He has devastated companies that are family owned to the point where a family member had committed suicide. Of course he boast of this as a means of intimidating me as well as boosting his ego.
He has always told me I don’t want to become his enemy and the wrath I am now facing is he alleged criminal grand theft charges against me….I had to sell my home and move away to my hometown to keep as far from him as possible….
The grandiose story he provided to detectives have now been presented to the prosecutor and he issued a warrant for my arrest….issued a search warrant to my parents home and less than a week later started civil proceedings against me that I found out after a PI was at my home. He has exploited all my friends and now is sending a PI to question them.
I had triggered this wrath when I didn’t want to go to to the destination wedding site and he went with family. I encouraged him to go and said I would remain and work ( The co. he owns) I had already moved out of his home and back to mine which I owned prior to meeting him. After calling out his lies when he was calling me from the wedding trip he blew up…..he sent flowers to the office Fri and Monday after questioning his honesty is having me thrown out or telling me he would call the police and is already making accusations of theft at the office……I never got paid and never tried to pusue it I was too afraid…..so I waited for his return to the states so I could get my mail and a few other things from his home. I went with a police escort and my Mom……he was livid!
Who I once was:
I was once a young self motivated, independent goal oriented, successful in my own achievable rights and level 28 year old in the Medical Device Industry as a sales rep with one of the leading medical device companies. Of course no where near his level of success. Yet I exuded confidence and never thought any man could ever control me.
I had never knew people like this even existed.I had always had the take it or leave it attitude…. Every sign and symptom discussed on here prevailed and the love bombing and degrees his wealth allowed him to go to to profess his undying love and comittment were a dream come true…so I thought….and slowly the lies , manipulation, promiscuity, vindictiveness, control over me began…isolating me from friends and gas lighting and triangulation….every single sign he had….Much later he was able to produce fake emails he sent to himself and other he sent to someone….he also love bombed and dramatically begged for sympathy and forgiveness from me. Of course he had to play victim for validation overtime I left. He opened up to tell me how he was sexually abused as a child and that he was put in foster homes…….all lies……he would send emails to himself posing as famous actresses he claimed were child hood friends……omg who does that? I literally thought I was losing my mind so many times!
This was a man who constantly had to be reassured of his greatness and could not stand to be alone …..he was a master at turning it around and everything wrong was my fault. Because he needs constant attention and ego boosting he convinced me that the company I was working for was taking advantage of me and that he was on a company board of trustees with my boss and they were on his social networks searching for him in an attempt to spy on my social life….he wanted to take care of me financially and flew my parents down after 2 months to ask for my hand in marriage……so 1 month later he wrote my resignation and we started traveling the world…..I thought it was a dream come true……2 months later I found out that he was seeing another girl the entire time.
The girl came to my door and was the sweetest person I ever knew. We became friends and supported one another. Basically as he ran out the door at my home and blaming her as being a psycho B>>>>>>
He eventually conned me into getting back together and then there were more girls…more fights..more lies and more control. He would reverse payments on my merchants and mortgage bills he was paying and notify hiss CC company that I made unauthorized payments….we would then end it after the time he filed fraudulent check writing charges against me……he held my property until I would write it and it was an acct I had closed that he knew of after my check book had disappeared mysteriously when we were in a foreign country after a fight of his jealousy of other men looking at me. He would steal and hide my car keys, purse, shoes, checkbook, passport, birth control, income taxes, mail, laptop….even my tooth brush….he always turned it around and would blame me or make me believe I was insecure and imagining it…..he would change the names in my cell phone contact list…he stole jewelry from my home belonging to my former boyfriend and I later found it in his gym bag in the back of his car….I never mentioned it to him.He did not want me to take photos by myself on our trips……absolutely insane!
So that was the first crime he filed…I left him and consulted with an atty. He told me I had plenty of evidence to fight the case but it would cost more in legal fees then to just pay it….along with all the charges he had paid and reversed…I was devastated financially….emotionally and mentally…..of course he wins…I literally was at the point of wanting to drive off the 3rd story parking garage as we left the atty. My Mom was there to help me and stayed to get me on my feet. I worked 2 jobs in restaurants for quick money and started working on my resume and actively seeking Med device sales positions. I was so broken and he continued to taunt me with emails as he was blocked from phone. He was seeing someone else and even hired 3 of his employees to come to my job to intimidate me and texted them to break my car window and defficate in the seat. Luckily my car was not there this night.
I struggled but was determined to never go back….1 day before the restitution had to be paid to the courts for the bad check allegation…..(torture to the end , right?) I come home from an interview and he is at my door leaving me a letter. he gets on his hands and knees ,,,balling crying…with a diamond ring and his check book to satisfy all the financial reversed payments and charges he had made……he is begging …I am shaking with fear and anger and I told him to leave or I would call police….his relentless pursuit and I had never seen him in such a vulnerable position, and he had plane tickets for the Caribbean where he wanted to fly to propose formally…..God…I was so stupid but the most devistating thing was The only true friend( the girl he was cheating with me on)was there to support me through the whole thing and I broke her heart. I regret that every day. I miss her so much and she was truly the only one who could understand what I had been thru and how good he was at convincing you. Her Mom and mine could even relate.
Her and I found out This rat bastard was actually sending us the same cards, flowers, gifts…we compared
identical text and quotes and compared stories over wine in my hot tub…..photos of him at the gym .And I was so brainwashed and controlled that I went back twice and she still supported me…that will bother me forever…..although we do speak it is still too painful for her….I pray someday I can make that up too her and will never stop trying.
Well so once I called it all off the wrath was more than I could imagine. The theft I was charged with is almost a million dollars of jewels.OMG Could you lie any more grandiose then that? I am sick and terrified…he even said when I called him to ask if he was serious and why he would do this he knew I was never in his safe ever…I never even saw it he only boasted that it existed…..then he said even if I didn’t do it I will spend it all in legal fees in 2 court cases….and owe him for the rest of my life……and I know this is sick but he then asked me to elope and I told him he was sick when I got angry and said how sick it was he hung up. Then emailed me asking me to lunch the next day…..
He is sick beyond belief and thank god I am innocent and this can never be proven and I have evidence to prove I am innocent….this is 30 years I am potentially facing and I want to vomit thinking about how he has won anyway by still controlling me and now him adding civil charges on top of this. I feel as though my Mom’s home is bugged, my PC tracker on my car and a PI following everywhere I go…I literally have lost my life and I am still alive……….this could actually be a lifetime movie ……Now do you see what I mean by Extreme Sociopathic Narcissist……oh and now the new GF is emailing me …..I have panic attacks everyday and constantly look over my shoulder for fear he would hire someone to kill me. Thanks for allowing me to vent
To anyone in need of some help to break free..
From my personal experience living in a major US city I have had difficulty finding a therapist that understands what we are going through.
found this link today and wanted to share.
http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/abuse-help-and-support-online-email-mentoring/
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I have stopped all contact as of X-mas eve. Our last go round, I left him this time. Cut it off. Yet I am not feeling the empowerment I did.
I am new to the gray rock method. I am a month into no contact. It hasn’t stopped him from calling me at least every other night, plus contacting me through any channel of social media.. Which I do NOT open or reply. He recently just got arrested, last thursday actually. His ‘neighbor friend’ wrote me for my phone number on FB, he wanted to contact me but didn’t have it memorized. I find him incapable of having ‘non-sexual relationships with females, all are a rouse to get something he wants from them. I refused to give it out, said we’re broken up for good reason & he needed to work on himself & me on myself. I was sorry he was in that position, there’s nothing I could do for him. He knew I’d move mountains for him. I know he has many other ‘supplies’ to rely on, of which, I am seriously worried they will come do something crazy to me, my car or my house, because of course, this is ‘my fault’ he violated his probation because I was to hard to deal with so he moved into a spot of his own. I’m not sure if NO contact now in this situation is the right move. I am worried that he is going to think this is ‘all my fault’, therefore tell these crazies that I am the reason he is there & have them after me & mine. Maybe I should have some minimal contact while he is in, before sentencing, so that he isn’t mad, seeking some sort of revenge? I do not want to, but I do not want him to make up some story to convince himself & others that I am the reason he is there. HE IS! Idk how long it will take for sentencing to occur. They have to move him to another county, as of right now, he doesn’t know that I have investigated to find out why he is there. I do NOT think he’ll be getting out, unless his supplies can get tax money, but if that does happen they’ll still revoke his probation, violate him on a felony charge & hell be sent for a few years, that I know. So do I do the gray method? Do I just keep the No contact & watch my back? I am not finding relief. I am so full of anxiety & panic. I am still having a hard time believing how incapable they are of love or emotions. I just do not know what to do. Thank you all!
I am doing the best I can with no contact. Except, he just got picked up on a warrant & now hes using all his resources to get ahold of me. I am worried. I do not want to stop the NO contact but read about gray method?
I have stopped all contact as of X-mas eve. Our last go round, I left him this time. Cut it off. Yet I am not feeling the empowerment I did.
I am new to the gray rock method. I am a month into no contact. It hasn’t stopped him from calling me at least every other night, plus contacting me through any channel of social media.. Which I do NOT open or reply. He recently just got arrested, last thursday actually. His ‘neighbor friend’ wrote me for my phone number on FB, he wanted to contact me but didn’t have it memorized. I find him incapable of having ‘non-sexual relationships with females, all are a rouse to get something he wants from them. I refused to give it out, said we’re broken up for good reason & he needed to work on himself & me on myself. I was sorry he was in that position, there’s nothing I could do for him. He knew I’d move mountains for him. I know he has many other ‘supplies’ to rely on, of which, I am seriously worried they will come do something crazy to me, my car or my house, because of course, this is ‘my fault’ he violated his probation because I was to hard to deal with so he moved into a spot of his own. I’m not sure if NO contact now in this situation is the right move. I am worried that he is going to think this is ‘all my fault’, therefore tell these crazies that I am the reason he is there & have them after me & mine. Maybe I should have some minimal contact while he is in, before sentencing, so that he isn’t mad, seeking some sort of revenge? I do not want to, but I do not want him to make up some story to convince himself & others that I am the reason he is there. HE IS! Idk how long it will take for sentencing to occur. They have to move him to another county, as of right now, he doesn’t know that I have investigated to find out why he is there. I do NOT think he’ll be getting out, unless his supplies can get tax money, but if that does happen they’ll still revoke his probation, violate him on a felony charge & hell be sent for a few years, that I know. So do I do the gray method? Do I just keep the No contact & watch my back? I am not finding relief. I am so full of anxiety & panic. I am still having a hard time believing how incapable they are of love or emotions. I just do not know what to do. Thank you all!