When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Implementing NC when one is still stuck to the spath leaves a bad taste on my pallet (spelling?). I am more angry that I know what I am dealing with and unable to do much about it then when I was ignorant of it. I am still married and tied to the spath, financially, and it’s horrifyingly disgusting. I am ashamed that I am so financially strapped to the spath that I am unable to release my soul.
I do not discount the psycho/emotional manipulations. However, I am way past that. It’s ironic, I know. Thanks to this board and other research, I get it and I don’t want it. But, I’m stuck. What I mean is that I am ready to leave but I can’t support myself and my kids. It sounds really pathetic. And, I am very disappointed in myself.
If anything I’ve said is seemingly offensive please ask for clarification. I truly do not want to cause anyone any pain. We’ve all been through and are still going through a lot. We need each other. Just ask me to explain.
Ironiclife,
I don’t think you are pathetic at all. It appears that you were in a relationship, built a family and now are living out that plan. The problem is that the Spath lied and manipulated you, but you are still dedicated to the plan and unable to move on until you are financial more secure. That is not pathetic, it’s vulnerable. You held up your end of the deal and your partner has not. He is controlling you by controlling your source of survival, the finances.
I hope that you will read the many stories here on LF of people with similar stories. Possibly you can come to view yourself from a different angle. I chose to be a stay at home mom as my career when my daughter was young because she has health issues. That is my job. Just as my husband put his heart and soul into his career, my life plan was to assure that my child had what she needed to be successful, and the same for her three older brothers.
My job to raise her continues, my life plan for the future is still in place. I didn’t change the plan, he interrupted our plan. It feel No guilt in being financially dependent on him when I am following OUR plan that we agreed on years ago.
If your trust and love for him allowed you to be vulnerable and dependent , then I hope you can see that all you’ve done is live your life from a genuine place. He took advantage of that trust. Please don’t allow him or even yourself to shift the blame onto you. In a relationship with a Spath, your life was a lie everyday.
I hope you can find a way out soon. But until then, please realize that you did not chose to be dependent on him, you trusted him. You are not pathetic.
HopingToHeal,
Thank you for your reply. I’m just so angry that I have the info & experience and yet can’t move on it fast enough. The past is water under the bridge. I know I made choices based on an assumed trust. But, it’s so frustrating to know I’m better than this, I have so much to offer the world in my dedication, passion, loyalty & determination. Everyone I meet thinks I’m funny, insightful and reliable. Yet, I have to go home to the spath and live a depressing emotionally exhausting life. I just feel I’m too smart not to be able to find the financial resources to take my life back. I did start working but I need more money to reach my goals. It’s awful knowing what needs to be done, being ready to take off, and not being able to.
Ever seen a superhero getting ready to take flight? How they grimace and generate energy? How the air immediately surrounding them begins to vibrate? I feel stuck right in that moment. I just want to take off.
I understand, Ironic life. I’ve been in a similar place but luckily we are separated so I do no face the daily abuse. But I am under his suppression financially. It stinks and I am working on a solution.
I’ve found that I am my greatest enemy in finding a solution. I tell myself that there is no way out, that I’m stuck or I need to wait for this or that. I have great fear and play “what if” games in my head. I defeat my own energy. Do you ever feel that way.
I read somewhere that when you find yourself stuck in a situation or decision, make a list of worse case scenarios, like if you took this action then what could be the worst thing that happened? Take that answer and apply the same reasoning. If that happened, then what would I do? And what is the worst thing that could happen? Keep applying the method until you find the ultimate worse event that could happen. When I looked at my list, I decided that where I am, is where I need to be now. It made me feel better.
I wish I could offer more suggestions, but unfortunately, I think we are in the same place. Frustrating! But better days are ahead. I believe it for both of us. Hang in there. Please take care of yourself. When you feel stuck and can’t see any options, your body reacts in a very negative way. Like Stargazer said, you need support. Be kind to yourself. There is a way out, it’s just not the time. It’s coming. 🙂
HopingtoHeal, as horrible as it sounds, you now have evidence, and the evidence was enough to convince your friends, so they can now support you. SAVE the evidence!! You never know when it may come in handy, like in court when he tries to lie and say you are the bad one.
Ironiclife, I edited my comment after I just read your last post. I hear how totally trapped you feel, and it is good that you know your strengths and your worth. I don’t know if you could get away without a little help though. You may need to enlist the help of friends or family if you have any you can trust. At very least a domestic violence counselor may be able to connect you to some resources. They understand the M.O. of abusive men. You and your kids shouldn’t have to be subjected to life with a sociopath. No one should. One of the tragedies of living with an abusive partner is that they often alienate you from all of your friends and family or anyone who could help you. I hope you start reaching out. You may be surprised at the help out there, and at your own reserves of strength.
Thanks for the advice Stargazer. I do have proof. And I have complete resolution to any doubts.
Hello HopingToHeal,
I am so sorry that NC is still such a struggle. You wrote eloquently about the chemical experience of contact/NC. Have you tried a group like CODA, AL-ANON or Love/Sex Addicts Anon to help you unhook from the chemical response to him?
You are such a lovely soul; you deserve much better than this rollercoaster.
Best,
Onejoy
Thank you for the group suggestions. I’ve found a couple In my area but have been dissuaded by other who have attended. I will keep looking. Thanks for the encouragement,
I’m in the midst of leaving my spath (verbally abusive, liar, deceiver, no compassion, no empathy). It’s a rough and tough ride to say the least … something that I never could have imagined existed, let alone that I’d be living. I have purchased a house to move into and have moved some of my things out, however, we are still living together. Last night and again this morning, we talked. He explained away each lie I brought to the table. I’m being sucked back in. He loves me … doesn’t want me to leave … will go to counseling … wants us to go away for the weekend … wants me to start moving my things back in … we’ll resell or rent out the house I bought … “THIS is your home” … “THIS is where you belong”. He called me once I got to work this morning. Again, begging and pleading not to leave him … he’s sick to his stomach (proof to him that he loves and cares about me). NC is the only way to survive the manipulation. NC is the only way to remain mentally sane. Sometimes, as Donna said, you have to implement it the best you can, but if you are able to do the NC, do it. There is no reason for me to still be with my spath husband. We have no children. There is nothing in both of our names. I have a house to move to. I am financially secure. In my situation, I am my worst enemy. Because of my nature, this is going to be a slow process for me. I am not an emotionally strong person. Day-by-day,faith in God, and this site will get me through to the other side.
Diane111,
I hear strength in the words you write. You are wise to realize that he’s a Spath, you must leave and that it will have to be a process for you. Every person is different in how they physically and mentally handle trauma and stress. I’m like you. After two decades with my husband, I wasn’t able to just cut the cord and walk away. That would have been the best thing for me, but I couldn’t do it.
I’m so glad to hear that you bought a house and have the option of leaving. Hopefully that will make you feel less vulnerable and more open to see all his LoveBombing as manipulation. I know your heart wants to believe the fantasy of his undying love, but it’s all a lie. You are so right, NC is the way to go.
Sometimes I feel like God is a million miles away, but just when I least expect it, He jumps in and saves the day. He proves His faithfulness constantly. Your faith will get you through this, Diane111. Stay strong and keep moving forward.. You are on the right track!
Thank you, Hoping! It was nice to “meet” someone just like me. 20 years … no wonder you couldn’t cut the cord and walk away. I’m struggling and it’s only been 4 years. My husband doesn’t have all the qualities or characteristics of a spath, but he does have enough of them. It scares me that I can be so manipulated by another person … like I can’t trust myself. He has a way of making me question my own sense of reality. I spoke with him at lunch time today. Mistake. His emotions and words (pleading, begging, promising, etc.) got to my psyche … got to the heart of who I am. UGH! Anyway … I focus on the fact that each day I get stronger through prayer. God does have His plan and it’s always in His time, not ours. I just wish some days he’d hurry up 🙂 Thanks again!
previous post,but worth posting again:
When we have finally gotten to know the personal characteristics of an individual, and we find that we cannot say we love those characteristics. Yet we insist that we still love the person. Never mind that this person lies to us, cheats on us, slanders us to others, even physically abuses us”we insist we hate their character traits but we love the person. It is this so-called “love” which justifies why we are still holding on after leaving it. Whatever the reason for it, this is describing someone who has created a fantasy around the objectionable character. We are not in love with the person”we are/were in love with the idea of who we’ve decided this person is in spite of the evidence to the contrary. This is not reality-based thinking. To insist a person is “good” despite what bad things they actually do is an exercise in imagination only.
Perhaps we insist that we love what this person could be if they only tried (been there a hundred times). This too, is a refusal to live in reality. To keep insisting that we love the rotten character is our way of holding on to what/whom? We white-wash their character in order to convince ourselves we need to stay connected to them.
When we finally stop pretending that we love a person who was actually hateful towards us then we are finally able to “let it go”. The key component of mental health is the mind which insists on living in reality/in the truth. We are not doing our mental health any favors by engaging in these mental games which allow us to stay in a bad place. If we don’t love what a person does then we can’t accurately state that we love (d) the person. “When I was basing reality on his web of lies and finally wanted to break free to be healthy again”“why was I concocting my own web off lies?” I allowed myself to stay “connected emotionally” basing my feelings that were all based on lies, the mask, the fantasy. After removing yourself from his web of lies, you need to undo your own web of lies that keep you emotionally hooked to him.
If you find yourself engaging in any of the following behaviors, there is an excellent chance that your relationship is unhealthy and you may be involved with a Narcissist:
You act completely desperate: You are hyper-vigilant about being available 24/7 for any type of contact. You check your phone constantly for any signs of communication. You make mountains out of molehills of attention, putting way more stock into a few nice things he does and ignoring all the horrible things he does.
You act like a drug addict: The relationship is on your mind constantly. You can’t get enough of him, you think about him all the time. You talk about him all the time, so much so that your friends are sick of hearing about him. You listen to messages he has left on your phone over and over again, you reread previous text messages or emails basking in the glow of earlier attention. You keep looking at his pictures, trying to stave off withdrawal. You can’t stop fantasizing about how you want your relationship to be. You keep wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with.
You keep trying to convince him that you are worthy: You are constantly jumping through hoops trying to please him. You’re basically jumping up and down saying, ’pick me pick me.’ You’re giving way too much, in an attempt to prove that you are better than other girls and have more to offer him.
You become an expert detective: You are constantly on the hunt for clues that will tell you what he’s up to. You check his phone, computer or email for any signs of foul play, every chance you get. You check his pockets for phone numbers. You do drive-bys past his house to see who’s parked out front, or you do the stake out and keep him under surveillance. You stalk his Facebook and all social media for any suspicious activity. You even go on dating websites to see if he has a profile up.
You act nuts: You become completely neurotic, defensive, easily irritated and high strung. You overreact to even the slightest criticism by well-meaning friends. You’re constantly on edge, anxious and nervous all the time. You start to resemble Smeagol from Lord of the Rings, “my own, my precious.”
You retreat from your friends and loved ones: Deep down you know that your relationship is unhealthy and you need to end it, but you can’t because you’re addicted. You don’t want to hear the advice of your friends, because you’ve heard it before and it’s not what you want to hear, so you withdraw from them and other activities that you would normally engage in.
When a relationship is healthy and good for you ”“ you aren’t doing any of these things. Trust, kindness, reciprocity and respect it’s all there ”“ there’s no guess work.
Awesome reminder Sick@heart!
Once I knew the truth about my husband and his mask was gone, I lived in a fantasy of my own creation. Once I knew the truth, I chose to believe the dream of what I thought we were.
Once I knew the truth, I chose to ignore his horrific immoral abusive actions and I chose to still “love” him.
Once I knew the truth, I chose to keep playing his game even though I knew who he was.
Wow! When you boil it all down, that is a pretty disgusting truth, but a truth none the less.
This is a perfect example of how skilled a Spath is at manipulation. I read those words and I can’t believe that he pulled it off. But part of his ability to control, abuse and deceive me was due to my stubborn refusal to let go of the dream. Hmm. Sick@heart, Thanks for helping me get that fact into my thick head.
Hoping-
Can’t let you go on beating yourself up! Your reactions are CLASSIC Betrayal Bond behavior!
Most of you who regularly frequent this site have likely heard my constant reminders that we are all guided by our brain chemistry and that romantic love is a state of “addiction.” Nothing works harder at cleaving us to a love interest than “betrayal.”
Our brain chemistry is what makes us human and what enables us to create bonded families. One of the most prominent hormones and neurotransmitters in relationship bonding is oxytocin. It makes us feel safe, loved, cared for, and all those good feelings we associate with romantic love.
If you were an alcoholic, you would recognize that your craving for a drink came from withdrawal. Because most of us don’t relate to the brain chemistry that attaches us to a lover, we don’t consciously grasp that we are responding to the withdrawal of betrayal when we strive to regain all those good feelings that the relationship produced. Over time, and by living in reality, its hold diminishes, and enables us to break free. Although, some folks are never able to do so. For the folks who do, there was usually a severe “ah-hah” moment that clubbed them over the head with a two by four. For me, it was our marriage counselor, a psychiatrist, telling me he was a psychopath while I was pregnant with our son. Until then, I blindly tolerated hideous behavior in the name of “love.”
I’ve described this phenomenon at greater length in “Carnal Abuse by Deceit,” and you can also learn the dynamics in Dr. Carnes’ book, “The Betrayal Bond.”
Joyce
Great post Sick@heart! The following section is a mirror-image of me: You become an expert detective: You are constantly on the hunt for clues that will tell you what he’s up to. You check his phone, computer or email for any signs of foul play, every chance you get. You check his pockets for phone numbers. You do drive-bys past his house to see who’s parked out front, or you do the stake out and keep him under surveillance. You stalk his Facebook and all social media for any suspicious activity. You even go on dating websites to see if he has a profile up. You act nuts: You become completely neurotic, defensive, easily irritated and high strung. You overreact to even the slightest criticism by well-meaning friends. You’re constantly on edge, anxious and nervous all the time.
It’s a crazy and hellish life to live!!! There are days I feel like I’m going to have heart attack because of the anxiety and stress! Now that I brought all of the lies out in the open with my spath, he has a plausible answer for each and every one of them. I know that it’s part of the manipulation, etc. but it’s SO hard not to second-guess yourself. Maybe I am one of those who are “addicted” as you posted in reply to HopingToHeal.
I have not been able to break the cycle with my sociopath ex. I have tried no contact, after he put a restraining order on me he STILL sends texts and emails..mostly mean putting me down, blaming me for him cheating. I feel in such a downward spiral..he moved on after 6years with me and is living with a 27 year old ( he is 38). I dont know how to stop, i feel crazy and i pick apart what i did wrong to make him cheat..it comsumes my life…i go home and crawl into bed and just sleep so i dont have to think about it. I feel obsessed in a way..if i dont have contact with him..he goes and lives his life with her..discarding me. I feel totally helpless.
Taralav, our stories are IDENTICAL I mean IDENTICAL!! Even the ages are the same!! He would call me dangerous and say “please just don’t hurt my family” and then send pictures of his son saying that his son was talking about me and missed me. Like….If im so DANGEROUS why on EARTH would you send me pictures of your son???? Its all BULL!! He KNOWS I am not dangerous but it is his last stitch of desperation.
When was the last time he contacted you? I know EXACTLY what you are feeling!!! He is 1000000% GASLIGHTING you! Making it seem like YOU are the crazy one. Mine had a restraining order on me after I EXPOSED the truth!! As soon as you are close to getting answers that’s exactly what they do!! And it makes ZERO sense to you right??
I am one YEAR without contact after I pulled over my 38 yr old ex’s 27 yr old girlfriend and told her that he was still contacting me for sex etc…. It was at that point that he convinced her I was crazy and got a restraining order. By the way we had already been 3 months no contact and I didn’t even KNOW he was dating her!! I saw her driving his car into a store parking lot the DAY after he was texting me for sex. So I approached her, told her who I was, asked her who she was, and SHOWED her my phone. He told her I must have been STALKING her!!! LOLOLOLOLO.
But one year out I feel 1000000% better!! Its AMAZING!! I totally understand the addiction and the confusion. Google something called “Cognitive Dissonance” Its basically where your brain KNOWS something is right but being convinced it is wrong.
You have some work to do but trust me: The day you finally give up on finding answers from him is the day you will go no where but up. No you won’t feel better instantly, but it won’t get any worse. Cut him out of all aspects! Pictures, mutual friends, Facebook EVERYTHING!! The faster the BETTER!! You CAN do it! If I can you can.
serenity12- Thank you for sharing what you are going thru..it helps me to know im not the only one. Yes, he did the same thing..in the restraining order, which he only filed to prove to his girlfriend he was leaving me..he listed to stay away from his sons school…to make me look like a predator or something. I had never even been to his sons school. But then he sends me photos of his son at baseball practice. Today he said I could meet him at the park to see his 11 year old with him ( while he still has a peace order)..and in the next breath says hes moving on..and his personal life is none of my business. its just awful back and forth. I have a good friend who has been thru the same situation..and i make her crazy talking about it..because I want to talk to him..and understand why he did what he did. But I will never get a truthful answer. All his things are still in our home..but hes just living his own life with this young girl. The worst part is hes lied to this girl the entire time..and when I told her everything…she did NOT care. He even lied about how many children he had. I feel like…even though hes awful to me..keeping contact is still being in his life. I know that sounds sick but its how i feel. I am obsessed with it..trying to see if his relationship lasts. This has been going on since february, but i really just found all the lies out early April. I feel like I never will pull out of it no matter what i try. I have felt like just never waking up..i go to sleep at 6pm and sleep all weekend just so i dont have to cope with it!
Tara, I understand the obsession. Here’s the problem with it though: The more you dig for answers to expose him in lies the WORSE he will get. These people are dangerous and will go to ANY end to protect themselves. For example: I was trying desperately to stay in my exes life so I said I had dome stuff in his garage to pick up(stuff I totally didn’t need) ended up going over, sleeping over, and in the morning I found a make-up case in his bathroom. He said it was his son’s mom(he knew that would piss me off) so I took it telling him I was going to tell her that I had slept over. He chased me down the stairs and beat me up in front of his son!!!! All in fear he would be exposed…. Turns out it wasn’t his son’s mom it was his new girlfriends. He was forced to tell her(and made up some bull) It was later that he was emailing me for sex when I saw her in the parking lot and told her. She also didn’t care. Just like I didn’t care when his ex told me…. Again this was when he got the restraining order and I haven’t heard from him since….that was a year ago.
The toughest part about healing over the last year is that I didn’t get to walk away with my dignity. That is what hurts the most. I dug too deep for answers and I got physically beat up and he and everyone else in his life thinks I’m crazy. Its NOT NOT NOT worth it. I found my answers but at what expense? Your ex sounds EXACTLY lille mine so I am trying to warn you here. Keep your dignity it will aid in your healing process and save you a ton of time.
I hear you on wanting his relationship to end. I felt the same way up until about 6 months ago. I would look on facebook and see them in happy photo’s with his son and their new business they started together blah blah….but I think of the shitty person he is and feel sorry for her that she is now in the stressful situation I was once in. I used to think “Well what if he changes for her?” I KNOW now that that is not true. I think he is a total FU&%ING loser!! Without a doubt!!!
You need to free yourself and step back. This person will hurt you in anyway in order not to be exposed. Please listen to my advice. Stop talking to this person.
The MOMENT you implement no contact your healing begins. Take the first step. Cut it off TODAY with no explanation and DO NOT look back. Then you jam pack your weekend with things to do. You get off your butt and don’t let this loser win and dictate your life! Take a listen to this: There is some swearing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1geoD61y1_s
Awesome awesome advice serenity! The only way to get better is to break the cycle and go no contact… it is really the only way! Taralav please listen to that advice! No contact! No responding..no nothing! Erase him from your life. You might feel like you are never going to get better or get over it but you really really will…it takes some time…but you have to go no contact.
I can relate, he has made EVERYONE think I was the crazy one. I never physically harmed him, never laid a hand on him. He got his whole family, whom I used to be close to, to think I was a bad addition to his life. They blamed me when he lost 2 jobs in a year..none of that was my fault!! He lost his jobs due to dishonesty, it said right on the unemployment denial lettr. He said ” you exposed me to my family and my childrens mothers” and said he was going to “fix” himself so he can be a better person. Even the day I caught him at his girlfriends house, he was calling me FROM HER BATHROOM. The thing is I feel so discarded, so low and bad about what he did to me..I am trying to break the cycle because..at this point it IS crazy for me to care. He raised my son from age 12, (hes 18 now) and even told my son he wanted to come home and we would work thru things. The girl he is seeing just thinks I am a crazy ex girlfriend..when in reality I had no clue he was cheating. He even lied and told her he has 4 sisters and is protective type of man. He does not have 4 sisters. The lies are so crazy and weird I dont understand, yet I still respond and talk to him..in some crazy hope he will stop lies and end things with her. I keep saying over and over..i spent 6 years with this man..was it ALL a lie? I feel addicted..obsessed to the whole thing. He will tell me in one breath I can come see the kids at the park..and in the next, you know you have a order on you dont make me violate you.
That’s all it is hun. An addiction. Once you break it a WAVE of reality will rush in and you will say WHY did I put up with that???? You can’t see that yet because you are still wondering WHY WHY WHY!! My hindsight is SO 20/20 and I wish I could go back and smash his face in for treating me that way!! I don’t care why or how now. I know the answer: He’s a SOCIOPATH. This site has every answer I need that he can’t give me because of course he’s not crazy WE ARE right? LOLOLO its laughable. Its not possible to snap your fingers and not care anymore I know that, but it is possible to make the CHOICE to get UP and start a new chapter! I did and so can you. I got out of bed, I surrounded myself with friends and family and did NOT want to talk about him. I went to Los Angeles by myself, rented a condo, went for runs, and drank wine. I started watching old epispdes of Seinfeld and other funny shows and movies. I made a CHOICE to block his number, change my number, delete him from Facebook etc. It was HARD really HARD!! The ONLY way to go no contact is cold turkey!!
I used to hate the weekends too. I’d drink my way through mine. You need to start telling yourself that he is NOT your life!! And that things will get better!! Cause they do! Since the day I went no contact one year ago I have bought a new house, travelled to CA 3 times, got a promotion, and I’m moving to ITALY!! I am happy at work(being depressed and a teacher is not easy)
You need to snap out of this and make the decision TODAY.
Every day I wake up the SAME way, I tell myself I will not obsess, but as soon as I hear from him..the lies start the back and forth argue, I don’t know HOW to break contact. I know I should and I know its going to help me..but its almost like I feel by “going away’ he wins..and him and the woman he discarded me for will live happily ever after with him. That is the twisted part of me..why would I want to talk to a man who cheated on me after 6 years..he told everyone at his job he was single…and told me everyone thought he was married to me. He invited me to meet him and his son at the park, but why. He put a order on me..and he will call me at night before bed, but hes really only calling to basically say goodnight because the rest of the night he will be with her. So its like hes setting up his night ” ok im relaxing for the night now goodnight” and this girl has NO IDEA he is still talking to me. At all. It has consumed me and my days and nights..i don’t sleep I just say over and over ,how could he throw me away like trash. A month before I found out he was cheating..we had applied for a townhome. we were declined due to his credit. He later said ” I only applied with you because I knew I would be denied”. Its just all insane.
Ok the similarities between our stories is tooooo weird… My ex and I applied for a town home and I went and saw it while he was out of town for a bachlor party. We talked over the phone and as I am trying to describe the town home he kept asking me if I was cheating on him?!?! I was like What the hell are you talking about? He returned 2 days later and I found an open box of condoms with 4 left in his suitcase…. THAT’S why he was asking if I was cheating. Its called projection. I’m sure this has happened to you to.
Ok I know you feel that if you walk away that he wins but its actually not the case. Ask yourself what “Winning” would look like in your eyes? That he would drop his girlfriend, stop his lying, and just change? You need to except that that is NOT going to happen. THAT is what you need to say to yourself every morning. Say Its over and I’m GLAD!! The more you tell yourself something the more you believe it. Fake it til you make it.
You are asking yourself WHY and all of your answers are right in front of you. You just need to WANT to see them. I get it that you feel that its crazy for you to want a man like this. For me it was the same way. I am a science teacher with a masters degree and I stayed with this man even after the condoms. But I have finally figured out WHY: I wanted to prove my point. I wanted JUSTICE for all he did wrong. I wanted to expose him in the lies and ask to his face WHY and HOW could you do this to me. I didn’t love him, and nor do you!!! Love doesn’t revolve around lies and deceit! We were OBSESSED with uncovering the truth and being “right all along”
You do not love yourself right now. I lost ALL of my self worth from this man. He made me feel so low with his lies and manipulation and caught me in a vulnerable state in my life that I would KEEP GOING BACK!!
That worry that you have in you gut that he will move on and be happy is normal. You’re brain is being pulled in all directions. Dr Phil always says: “How is what you’re doing right now working for you?” I’m sure your answer is “Its not” The payoff you are getting from this is a feeling of control. Letting go would make you feel powerless right? Wrong. Trust me….a year ago I felt the lowest of the low with the EXACT feelings you had. I LAUGH when I think of him!! He’s so gross and creepy and disgusting to me now. I thought I lost power and control but I realized I had none to begin with…now I have it all.
I’m telling you your life will change when you block his number. Rip off the band-aid. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do but you CAN do it. And take it one hour at a time. One minute at a time if you have to. Aren’t you tired of this? Quit asking WHY Quit wondering how he could be with her one minute and you the next…. You KNOW the answer. Make the choice to change what is NOT working for you and the value you have on this planet for the short time you’re here. This is not your story, its a bad chapter…finish writing it and start the new one. A one he is NOT in.
So, the weekend brought a entire new set of bs and lies. Thursday he had asked me to meet him at the park with him and his son, against my no contact decision and like a idiot I went. Not so much because I wanted to see him, because I missed the kids. We met at a ballfield and played catch and hit balls..I think it was actually a GOOD thing I went because I was so disguested looking at him..walking around thinking he was the crap..he kept looking out of the corner of his eye to see if I was looking at him. He made me ill..knowing he was sleeping with another woman. When we were leaving, “you know if I did not love you , you wouldnt be here”. I told him he was a lair and a cheat..he went on to still deny his relationship with her..and said if things went as well visting then next time we could get dinner. So, friday, the next day..he starts with me in the morning..emailing me saying he is going to have a good weekend with his mother and doesnt want and bs or arguments with us..I told him to f off..he was the one who asked me in the first place to go!! He then started with the threats again of violating the order..which I dont understand how he can do if he is contacting me also. So..i find out sunday..he went AWAY with his new girlfriend and HER PARENTS..to their beach house in north carolina!!! He used to go away with me and my family to my dads in florida..and he just is now already going away with her. My brain is just whirling..HOW COULD HE BE GOING AWAY ALREADY WITH HER PARENTS!! She posted a photo of them on facebook..I was upset all day long. I talked to his ex wife whom I am on good terms with ..He called her saturday and said “he was going to boston away with a friend for the hockey game”. I am beyond livid..hurt..betrayed..heartbroken. I can not BELIEVE it!!
Taralav,
I’m reading about your weekend and I feel so bad for you. I know you are in extreme pain. It’s so unfair.
Unfortunately, his behavior is very typical for a Spath. He is playing all of you against each other to inflate his enormous ego. He has no intentions of ever being with you again. I know it’s difficult to hear, but he enjoys the control over you. That is the thrill he seeks when he contacts you.
He is counting on you to make bad decisions for yourself that prove to him that he still has you under his thumb. I would advise that you stay away from him because of the legal order. If you don’t, the moment he senses that you are strong enough to walk away, he will use the order against you. Please, think about how devastating that will be for you.
Most of the LF family can predict what his next step will be, He will return to town, expecting you to be angry. He won’t contact you for a few days so you will get over the anger and start to miss him. Remember, he is in high gear trying to seduce his new girlfriend to get her under his control. But after a few days, he will call and be so sweet. He will have normal conversations and act interested in you. If you resist, he will try harder. Eventually, those love chemicals in your brain will take over and you will succumb to his request to see him. He will draw you in, only to push you away.
There is nothing stronger than the bond he is creating with you. It’s a sick connection that exploits you as a victim, and it is VERY hard to break. It is a type of mind control that could easily alter the path of your life. He is deliberately setting you up. He knows exactly what he is doing. You will be at his beckon call should this new relationship not work out.
You may want to read the book “Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes. This book can help you understand what you are feeling and why it is so dangerous. Up until now, you’ve read about him…what he is…what he does….his manipulation. Now it’s time to understand yourself and why you are stuck in this place with these confusing feelings toward him.
In your mind, you are probably thinking that this weekend was about him missing you, wanting to see you. It gave you hope. No, this weekend was about him making sure that he had control of you and that you wouldn’t do anything to screw up his manipulation of the new girl.
You are reacting the way any normal person would. I totally understand. But, you just can’t do it anymore. You are in a cycle that will never stop unless You stop it. He is the type that will keep you hanging on forever. He will never stop-and that is a very bad place for you to be. Hey, he still is doing it to his ex wife. She may be hoping that one day he will come back to her..
One of the signs of unhealthy attachment according to Patrick Carnes in the book Betrayal Bond is this-
“When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.”
And this-
“When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you.”
I’ve found it to be so helpful to learn why I react the way I do. As you’ve read here on LF, Donna and Joyce explain the chemicals at work in our brains. There is also psychological control. The more I learn the stronger I become.
I applaud you sharing here and your desire to break free. Whether you realize it or not, you are much stronger today than you were just a few days ago. Don’t beat yourself up for being duped again, just keep moving forward. Three steps forward, two steps back is how most people make it through. just keep moving toward peace.
Mending, this site saved my life!! Tonight I went back and read my original post on here about a year and a half ago when someone suggested he was a sociopath. I didn’t even know what that meant so as I researched more I was in total SHOCK!! I felt so violated and stupid! But the more I read the more my jaw would DROP! Talking to people that have dealt with these people make ALL the difference. And its so nice to be able to re-visit and help others now. It helps me stay in check and gives some clarity on the whole “Everything happens for a reason” Well maybe my 4 years of hell was all to be able to share and help others out:)
Tara, you will be on this side soon….feeling great and alive and loving yourself.
And I’m sorry if I am sounding harsh. i know this site is supposed to be a place of support from people that have been there. I just see SO much of you in me and I’m feeling like its me kicking my own ass lol. But if someone could have seen into the future and been able to tell me its REALLY going to be ok and you WILL get over this and him….I would have loved to have that. I am trying to be your psychic:)
No I really need to read what you are saying. My friend who is on this site, who has been thru the same thing pounds it into my head. And I just can not break the cycle! Is there private chat on here Serenity? Id love to talk one on one. It is just terrible..I feel like he is holding me on a tiny string..i loved him so much I know im being obsessive about it..yet every time I try to STOP talking to him he lures me in. His things like I said are all still at our house. He has made no attempt to come get them, he just has moved onto her and is not paying bills..she is supporting him. He says it is ALL my fault for exposing his lies and blames me for it all. He sent me a message earlier and said ” if you act right we will get together next week’ and if I respond or say anything..mention the fact he CHEATED on me his response is ” remember you have a protective order don’t make me violate it” and that is his way of ending the conservation when its something he doesn’t want to talk about.
Lol yup I’ve heard that line too: “If you just calm down and stop being so jealous and obsessive maybe this could work” Ummmm I wonder WHY I am jealous and obsessive?? And you’re right he IS holding you by a string that YOU won’t let go of. The hard thing is that he will NEVER let go. If he can dangle you he will. Remember that he doesn’t have a conscience so he doesn’t care that what he is doing is wrong. YOU have to be the one to let go. FULLY!! And you know what that means. Dump his stuff on the street and give him ZERO avenue to talk to you. I know that’s hard and that’s not your desired outcome…but TRUST me it will be in about 3 months!
I know the obsession makes you feel like you’re crazy. I did some CRAAAAAAZY things that I am not proud of. But listening to you and reading your words it sounds like you are heading down a spiral that you do not want to entertain. These people are NUTS! They do not have boundaries or limits. Do you have the financial means to seek professional help? I went to a 2 week in patient treatment centre for abused women. Almost a sort of drug rehab. Intense therapy everyday. I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder and a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Oddly I wasn’t diagnosed with depression nor bipolar disorder which my ex ALWAYS accused me of having. I was just around a SH&$%Y person!! As soon as he was gone, ALLLLLL of my symptoms disappeared. I still have flashbacks and nightmares but I wake up with an UNBELIEVABLE feeling of relief that he’s out of my life.
You need to try something different. He has made you believe that you are a horrible person and you are OBSESSED with proving him wrong!! Not with him. You KNOW he’s a jerk…I can hear you say that. Its all about you getting your emotional justice. Take it from me and hundreds on this site that all say the same thing. With a sociopath you will never have your justice or your answers. It has to come from within yourself. You have to find your own closure. And its 100% possible!!
I think you should try two things tomorrow when you wake up that worked for me:
1. Block him for one day. I used to leave my phone at home so I wasn’t tempted.
It will feel yucky but that feeling HAS to go away. No one stays at a high anxiety level forever.
2. Change your wording of what you say to yourself when you wake up tomorrow. Think of 3 phrases that don’t involve what you “Won’t do” Ex: I won’t obsess over him. Change it to what you will do today.
Its time to take this step. You’ve recognized he’s a sociopath, you’re still in a bit of shock and denial it seems, so its time to jump out of that stage and ACCEPT that he WILL NOT change therefore the ONLY option you have is to change yourself.
Taralav.. I referred you to this site bc I really don’t know what I would have done without it back when I was going thru the same type of thing…I am glad u decided to take this step and I am proud of you for that. I just hope that if other people keep telling up the same things that I have been saying that maybe it will really help. This is great advice that you are getting on here and this site really helped me to see him for what he really was and break out of the cycle. Serenity is giving u amazing advice and I really hope that you will try your best to listen and cut off any contact with him.
Yes,I did start therapy when I just was to the point I . could not work eat or sleep. My therapist is ok..I don’t think she is helping me as much as I need. She said I am suffering from Ptsd and severe trauma of all the things ive been dealing with. I told her how my.ex started his.new job..at Citibank..only to find out he was working at.a different company. He lived with me.but lied about where he worked!! I see all these sick things and lies, not to mention sleeping with me and others. .just gross. . I feel like I want to control this and make him be normal. .but hes discarded me and moved on in.a.blink
K good, you’re recognizing that you are trying to control things. You will look back and realize that’s all it is. Its not him. You are not in love with him. You are in love with who/what you want him to be. You need to place sociopaths in the same category as autistic people or people with down syndrome. Can you change a person with Autism to be “normal”? No because it is a permanent irreversible condition. You will NOT be able to change him because it is NOT possible. I know that’s hard to believe because they seem so mouldable right? I hear ya. I thought I could change mine. You are valuable and your life path is NOT to change someone else. Be as SELFISH as possible right now.
K I just texted my old psychologist and asked her the type of therapy I had for my PTSD and it was called EMDR(eyemovement, desensitization, and reprocessing) I was so sick and tired of talking and thinking I just wanted a break from my brain!! I didn’t want to go to therapy and tell the same story over and over. So this type of therapy is actually physical and gets you out of your head. Not sure where you live(I’m guessing the US….I’m in Canada:) but make call around and ask about it. Its different and interesting and deals with uncontrolled conditions like PTSD. My EMDR psych also made me go to hot yoga 3 times a week. The first time I went I BAWLED!! It was really weird!!?? Totally embarrassed my male friend that was there to pick up girls lol. But its the physical release that grounds you so that you can think more clearly. Ask around.
Not only the cheating and the lies non stop..but it drives me INSANE this girl does not care one bit..that he HAD ME..I was his girlfriend of 6 years..she did not care. Hoe could a woman be so disrespectful I would never do it..never. If I found out a man LIVED with someone..I would tell him to go handle it before we even started talking. But no..this girl did not care one bit..let him stay in her condo..and all during this he was telling me “oh i will be home I am fixing some issues I have ” ..ANOTHER example..one night he DID come home and stayed..I have a split foyer..he was in the laundry room and I heard talking. It was 11:30pm at night , i knew my son was in bed..I said “Joe are you talking to someone?”..a pause..and he says..”No what are you talking about”..then I hear the voices again. He was calling her from the basement..putting her on MUTE to answer me and I thought I was hearing things!!!!!!! He literally tossed me and my son AWAY..January he went with my son, cheered him on to get his license and 3 weeks later..this.
As you can see from sick@heart’s graphic detail of self hate, there’s that to pay for the “obsession/addiction”…Being poor company to yourself, is living in hell, always.
How about backing up a little bit to not make extremes of any piece of this situation. It may serve you better.
For example, the rule of “No Contact” is a good rule like any wise rule; eg. brushing your teeth after you eat, putting your safety belt on, etc. It’s intention is to save you from harm. The harm in the contact, is, of course, that you won’t get on to getting a life and partner that you’ll enjoy; that you’ll be stuck miserable.
Which you are, right now, anyhow. I’m going to presume that you are denied access to him by both the restraining order, by the new gal and by him making himself unavailable. So, it’s not so much about abiding by the rule but more being compelled by the circumstances to have no contact on your own iniative. If this is more the case, it can be maddening… for not getting the last word, the “transforming” speak or any other such wishful nonsense.
One of the easier ways to get going on what you aren’t helpless to do (get a happier/more gratifying life) is to come at it with a determined/rigorous “I’ll show you! You MF!” You ride the steam of anger to get that life , convinced that there will be another encounter and with that encounter, you will get your satisfaction. Hundreds/thousands of women have done just that. They lost the weight, got a new look/new job, joined groups that interested them, took some courses of interest, etc, etc…. And on the way to the finish line in their mission, they were surprised to find out that their aim of the mission just didn’t matter anymore. When they did have the encounter, they were more shocked or confused by this ex lover….They couldn’t much remember what they saw in him in the first place.
You are no different. There is nothing about you that makes you or your situation the one that won’t have the same thing happen. So, get steamed and ride that steam right on to opening your life up. Think “He did me a favor by going hysteric and asshole.” Remember all the ridiculous things he said while you turned the other cheek to keep the ridiculous going on. And if he calls and you have contact, so be it. Maybe you get sucked in, maybe you don’t. If you get sucked in, you’ll get another kick in the teeth and maybe that will be the one that clicks. One of those kicks will do it. Which one, is another story. Just keep going to new doors regardless.
Ohhhh, I love this suggestion. I need to get mad! Thanks Viewpoint.
I so understand how you are feeling! I have been going through this nightmare for almost 5 years. Looking back at how this started is almost laughable. My parents and I moved to Az. and were staying in an R.V. park. My father had talked to him and such, and was invited to go for a ride with him in this Tbucket for his 80th birthday. I believe now that he planned the whole thing. Hes a predator! He got to know my father intentionally to know exactly how to manipulate me into his life. He dazzled my father into liking him and as well My Mother. I went out with him twice. He told me he was a sex offender, and that it was the result of a nasty divorce. I immediately told my mother, who advised me not to judge him, and that he had spent 5 years in prison, and had paid for his mistakes. At that point I thought his story was totally possible. By this time my parents and I had moved into a mobile home nearby. The third time I went out with him, he just never left. He just started staying the night there and we allowed it. He was a much different guy then, OR SO WE THOUGHT! He then bought and paid cash for a house, which I moved into with him, and he then instigated my parents renting the house next door. Then the circus started. I started seeing things about him that always made me wonder. He had an answer for everything. He was never at fault or responsible for anything. Just little things then, that today are MAJOR red flags. Long story short, I moved over with my parents because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted and needed a break. After three days away from the situation it started coming clear how much pressure he put on me, It was no wonder I was on the edge of emotional and mental breakdown. The problem now is that he lives right next door! How in the world did I not see what was happening? I have been trying to break the ties with him. If I refuse his calls, he comes to my window. My mother has forbidden him on our property, and threatened to get a restraining order against him. I was hoping to find a civilized way of dealing with this. I now know that is not going to happen! He is not a civilized person! My parents can not afford to move, and are happy here. They are elderly and it would put them through way too much to move. I understand what you mean by saying you feel totally helpless! Its very hard to disconnect myself from him and this relationship with him next door! I don’t want to have this be nasty, but I am afraid it is gonna have to get that way before this is all over! I am going to get away for a couple weeks to try to put distance between us, and get my strength back. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I can’t stop thinking about all that’s gone on and accept that he is never going to be the guy I believed he was! He is a sex offender for a reason. His daughters are in their 20’s and want nothing to do with him. He still does not admit any wrong doing. I wish I could get all the public records in regard to this man and really know the truth. I have to tell myself I know enough of the truth and that it doesn’t matter now. I know that I need to just put this behind me and move forward with my life. I know I just have to do it ONE day at a time! I know its not going to be easy.
AS some of you know, I read here everyday and some posts are just worth posting again.
I am an addict is one of them:
I read the articles and comments posted on Lovefraud.com and I see my life, or parts of it, described over and over again. I see things my ex did (or didn’t do) written in the words of other people. I see myself in their stories. Often I find myself thinking, “Thank God my experience wasn’t that bad or that long” and other times I nod my head in silent, humiliated understanding that comes with first-hand knowledge of the horror stories people share.
My ex has the most beautiful soul. He is kind and compassionate and loving. He is the most thrilling person I’ve ever known. Until he’s not. When he’s upset or inconvenienced or, God forbid, angry he turns into someone cold and hostile. His comments are scathing, filled with razor sharp words that open veins in my heart and leave me gasping at the pain. He is a master at flaying open my emotions and then disavowing any responsibility or ill intent. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand what he meant, that I was hysterical, or that I twisted his meaning for my own passive aggressive purposes. Maybe I was passive aggressive. Never mind the “maybe”. I was passive aggressive. That’s what happens when I can’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish for expecting something from him. I’d like to blame him for it but I’m the boss of me. I’m the one who made the choice to be passive aggressive. I have to own that. And I have to own that I still don’t fully fathom the impact he’s had on me.
I’m an addict.
I’m addicted to him.
I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with him the good, not the bad, though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good. Maybe, possibly, if I’m just good enough and try hard enough and all the stars are aligned then maybe I’ll get some of the good. He’s so misunderstood, you see? He tells me so and so I have to believe that I’m just not giving him enough credit or being fair or being realistic. And he has ” legitimate excuses” for everything he does or doesn’t do. He was depressed. Then there was the physical pain: his elbow, his back, and his guts. Then there was the dizziness that came and went, sometimes confining him to bed with the remote and sometimes miraculously disappearing just when something entertaining was planned.
Then there were the accusations of flirting and disloyalty on my part that made him sad and sent him back into that depression. Then there was the day he called me a “stupid f*cking c*nt” and told me that he “deserved better from the woman who supposedly loved him.” Except I wasn’t supposed to internalize those words because he was just processing his thoughts about the anger he’d felt over something trivial and thought he could share that processing with me. But he didn’t explain that he was recalling his thoughts or just processing them and wondering why he’d thought and felt those things. He just said the words aloud and left me to sit with them for 2 weeks and then, when I finally broke down in tears over them said, “What?! Oh God! I was just describing what I felt at the time! Not what I think of you!” and the logic of that escaped me because the words had had 2 weeks to sit inside of me, carving themselves into my cells. Eight months later, they still echo in my head almost every hour of every day. But I’m not allowed to be hurt or upset by them because, of course, they’re not true. He was just processing his feelings. I’m supposed to be glad he did that, right? That’s what women want, right? A man who will process his feelings with her.
I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.
I’m addicted to the energy and space he took up in every place we were together.
I was addicted to the constant texting and phone calls that happened before we lived together and the roller coaster drama of trying to prove that he should choose me and not that other woman because she’s a liar and a cheat while I’m faithful and devoted and loyal and dedicated no matter what he does or says or what promises he breaks.
I was addicted to proving that I’m good enough and that I can accept and forgive and love him unconditionally while he spent time trying to decide between us, despite having gone back on his assurance that he was going to give her up and come be with me a half dozen times or more.
I was addicted to putting him back together after she chewed him up and spit him out and to being his best friend while he agonized over how much she hurt him and to being the woman he turned at last to because he suddenly realized that I’m the right choice and I’m the perfect person for him.
I was addicted to riding out his struggle with commitment and his inability to plan for the future because so many other women have hurt him and left him and devastated him.
I was addicted to proving to him that I’ll stand by him always, no matter the hardship, no matter the tests he throws my way, no matter the pain he causes.
I was addicted to martyring myself to his cause, to being the true blue girl in his life.
I’m addicted to him the way a child is perversely compelled to continuing to love the father that abused her and the mother that abandoned her, always going back for more, always desperate to prove she is worthy of their love because she thinks that if she just loves well enough or loves the right way then love won’t continue to hurt her the way it does now.
I’m addicted to continuing to send messages to his phone from my email. He makes unfair statements and I get angry and find myself glad that I broke up with him and just when I start to think I did the right thing he lifts me up with loving words and apologies and I sob over the fact that I’m the horrible person who “destroyed his life”
I’m addicted to the way he says “It was my fault for not loving you well enough baby” as if somehow that love will seep into me from the computer screen and make it possible for me to trust myself again”after so many do-overs and so many 2nd chances that the idea of it only being a “second” chance is laughable. More like a 30th or 40th chance.
I’m addicted to being able to tell him exactly how much pain he caused me without any immediate consequence and watching his apologies and regret appear in my chat window”knowing that he’ll manage to turn things around so they become guilt trips rather than accountability”and praying that it won’t happen because that might be a sign from God that he’s sincerely sorry and things would be different this time. This 41st second chance.
I’m addicted to apologizing”to feeling guilty”to punishing myself”to hating myself for ending our relationship”for ending my dream”so that he’ll understand that I really did love him. I just have to love him from a distance now because I can’t live in a home where both of us hate me. It’s painful enough that I hate myself for not being good enough for him, that I hate my inadequacy and my inability to live up to even his most basic expectations.
I’m addicted to reminding myself that he almost punched me in the face once, to reminding myself that that is reason enough to have left him. And I’m addicted to being angry at him because he says, “But I didn’t actually hit you!” I’m angry at him for that because it’s the lamest response I can think of to an act of aggression that could have turned into an act of violence. And I’m angry because I’m addicted to telling myself, “It could have been worse. So many people have it so much worse. Just let it go. He didn’t actually hit you.”
I’m addicted to trying to take less responsibility for the way my life turned out”to blaming him for what hurts me. And I’m addicted to being angry at myself for the way my life turned out”and angry at myself for blaming him for what hurts me. I’m addicted to that anger because I’m accountable for myself and my life and for what I allow”and no matter how much I felt like I loved him”I was supposed to love myself first and best and I didn’t.
I’m addicted to my new reality”the reality in which nothing seems right without that drama and chaos even though this calm, quiet, peaceful life is healthier and safer and more trustworthy. Even though this life is beautiful. And I’m angry at myself for this particular addiction more than anything else.
That’s how I know I’m an addict. I’m a co-dependent, enabling, door mat of an addict.
Because when I say that I miss the way I felt when I was with him”I know that’s my addiction doing the talking.
Because when I’m honest with myself I can say that most days I felt desperate to prove to him that I was worthy of his notice.
Most days I felt like a piece of worthless garbage.
And that may not be entirely his fault”because I participated.
But most days I felt incapable of being anything other than that worthless piece of garbage and I don’t know how someone who “supposedly” loved me could not see that there was something wrong.
I know I’m an addict”because I was willingly living on scraps—and I was starving”.and it was killing me”.and I miss that feeling of dying.
So the next time you are beating yourself up for feeling weak and pathetic about missing and even loving someone that caused you considerable harm, remember that trauma creates deep attachment bonds and there are a lot of emotional, psychological and even physiological factors at play, all of which are causing you to crave the very person that causes you the most harm.
Is this person worth it?
Sick@heart,
Thanks for reporting this comment, It described the addiction so accurately. As I read it, I’m amazed of how absurd it is to feel this way, yet I do.
Sick@Heart,
There are so many similarities in my life to what you posted. You so eloquently put my feelings into words and gave me much to ponder.
Finally at a point that I was able to tell my husband I wanted a divorce (told him just last night). And he was quite agreeable to everything it was almost scary. Second marriage for us both, married for seven years, and no children together so hopefully we can wrap up the divorce in a couple of weeks.
Thank you so much for taking the time to post. This site gives me so much courage, validation, and understanding right now. Although I am not posting much right now, I hope to pay it forward when I am more solidly on the road to recovery.
Hugs,
Platinum,
I hope you are feeling at peace with your decisions. I’m sure there is relief that you can be free of the lies and manipulation, but if you are like me, you probably still hoped that he would resist and beg for you to stay… Return to the fantasy man you believed he was. It’s just another clue to who he really is, but it’s hurtful.
Please stay strong and do not doubt yourself. I can see that your healing has already begun. Much better days ahead for you!
Mending, its true it did feel like it would never get over it. Although I was forced into no contact by him as his new victim threatened to leave if he didn’t block every avenue….I still know I would have done it myself. SOOOOOOO many things have changed in one year for me. I do still think about him. Not wanting him back, but wanting him to fail miserably in all aspects of life. He’s actually doing quite well for himself so that aspect still bugs me and still trying to heal from that.
He might be doing well or he might just be making it appear like he is doing well..they love to make it look like things are going so great for them even if things are awful…they really can’t change so don’t worry..even if he is somehow temporarily doing well now, he will most likely eventually somehow screw up. They can only keep up the act for so long until their mask comes off again. Not that we should wish ill will on others, but it is very easy to feel that way after what they put us through…you win by moving on and living a happy life. Congrats on your healing…sounds like you have come a long way and are now helping others! 🙂 We are all so much better off once these horrible people are out of our lives! and Taralav…the healing process will not start without implementing “no contact”
Yes,I did start therapy when I just was to the point I . could not work eat or sleep. My therapist is ok..I don’t think she is helping me as much as I need. She said I am suffering from Ptsd and severe trauma of all the things ive been dealing with. I told her how my.ex started his.new job..at Citibank..only to find out he was working at.a different company. He lived with me.but lied about where he worked!! I see all these sick things and lies, not to mention sleeping with me and others. .just gross. . I feel like I want to control this and make him be normal. .but hes discarded me and moved on in.a.blink
Tara-
The social nature of our species is driven by chemicals that create trust and attachments to others. It’s a normal part of being human. And we’d all like to take people at face value, thinking that no one who “cares” would try to exploit us.
Romantic chemistry is an addiction. Unfortunately, because we don’t see it, smell it, or taste it, we’re unaware of its presence in our brain. But your attachment to him is driven by brain chemistry.
Realistically, you know he’s a cad! He’s proven it to you time and time again. But like any other form of addiction, being deprived makes your longing for him even stronger.
It doesn’t matter if he feels like he wins. He’s wired to feel that way despite anything you do. Love is not about winning or losing. It’s about caring, sharing, respect, joy and supporting each other….. not diminishment, crazy making, and certainly not threats. He’s motivated by power, not by caring.
It’s hard to lose your sense of being loved even if the those feelings were not part of your relationship for a while. It’s still difficult to give up the hope that it could happen with him. Your code of commitment is wasted on him. The new love in his life will learn that in short order.
If you simply don’t answer your phone when he calls, don’t text him back or respond in anyway, you, not he, are in control. You will have your power back.
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
Joyce
Well, this morning he started again the ,lies, texts, verbal abuse. He ruined my morning and said that I am the reason we are where we are. I did not make him cheat..or lie..or do all the things he did. I took care of him and his 2 sons for YEARS..pulling my end on everything and helping him as a partner. So, I am about 30 minutes into my NO CONTACT. I told him I am done with his sick behavior..and I blocked his number on my online account. I need to have the power to stick to this as much as it will hurt..he does nothing but drag me down and lie.
Good for you. You know this is the only way. Start today to stop asking yourself why he is doing what’s he’s doing. You’ll drive yourself mad because it will NEVER make sense to you because it is going against normal humanity. Keep positive in your head today.
Thank you Serenity, I have not unblocked him yet so thats a good sign. I hope I get thru the weekend..because no matter WHAT he is going to try to lie his way thru everything. He has no cares at all what he has put me thru, and this new “girlfriend” has already been lied to!! She knows all that I told her..and does not care…at all. The funny thing is..him talking to me still..with a peace order..hes doing the same thing to her! Lying to her..she has no idea he still talks to me.
I agree, good for you! Joyce and Serenity12 are right on all points.
He knows he’s manipulating you and he’s getting such pleasure from your pain. I’ve been there many times. The more you talk to him, the more your head will spin and your heart will hurt. As you talk to him less and less, your brain will clear and you will get stronger.
Stay strong. My heart goes out to you taralav.
Taralav feels like she is letting him “win” if she goes no contact….I don’t know how to make her see that that is not true…I have been trying almost everyday for months now to make her see him for who he really is 🙁 She keeps thinking that he is going to live his life with this new woman and be happy. However, that isn’t the case…this new one is not the only woman that this man cheated on tara with so I am sure that there is probably more than one anyway…not that one wasn’t enough. (He once told a woman that he worked with that Tara was his sister and that he was watching the house while Tara was out of town and he invited her over for sex) He is not being honest to the new woman because he is still trying to talk to Tara and who knows how many others…so he is not being faithful to her either. He isn’t going to change for anybody! This man is horrible!!! This is a never ending game of abuse if you don’t keep up the no contact, Tara…I know it is hard..but it is start…please try to keep it up no matter how difficult it might be…if you feel like you want to contact him…come type here where everyone understands. I completely understand, I am just not as good at putting it into words as serenity and some of the others. In the long run, you will see that all of the advice you have gotten on here is true and good, but only if you stick to the NC. The feeling of feeling “dead” and empty does go away eventually also…No contact is the first step in taking the control of your life back. This site was was one of the only things that got me through in 2010. I started out with the name broken pieces…but then after awhile I changed it to mending :)It is a process…but you will get better and you will get through this!
Thank you hoping to heal- Its already been hard and its just been a few hours. I feel by talking to him..it keeps me in the picture. But, he threw me and my son away after 6 years in the blink of a eye. Never saw it coming..had bought me a diamond to make a ring..he gives a little hope to me..then pulls it right back. He said I could come and see the new place hes staying for a few months ( a friend of his) ..says I can come over one night next week..then the next day attacks me again saying hes moved on and I need to do the same..that hes fixing himself..and going to be better. Hes not. He has no empathy at all for what he has put me thru
Taralav,
I completely understand. That is called Hoovering (like the vacuum). After they decide to move on to their next target, the continue to keep you on the hook for a while, just in case they can’t find something better. They suck you in with kind words and vague encouragement, then push you away as soon as you seem moved by the words. It’s all part of the plan. My husband has kept me there for 18 months.
I found LF about five months ago and I can’t tell you what a difference the info and encouragement has made. Shortly after I realized he has a personality disorder, I began to call him less and less. Slowly, I stopped calling him at all. It’s a long process.
I encourage you to take all the advice, stories and info you have learned here and really start making yourself see who he is. Apply the stories of other victims, hear their words in your heart. You see the truth, but you are in such trauma that you can’t absorb it.
You are looking at his actions from your own point of view and that’s why you can’t wrap your brain around his betrayal and abandonment. You are broken and distraught, he is fine and happy. He does not think like you or any normal person. He is totally incapable of feeling like he did anything wrong. He will never GET IT, You can explain, plead, beg, give examples, have others talk to him……whatever you try….he will never get it. Never.
If your son was old enough and he was involved with someone like this, what advice would you give him? I bet you’d say Get Away Now. Please do that for yourself.
This man is a pitiful excuse for a human. He loves only himself. Any good thing he’s ever done was to promote himself in some way. He planned this out, all the while promising you a future. He fake loved your child. He is a liar. He stole six years of your life. He is worthless. Worthless!
You are going through withdrawals. You need a fix if his voice, his faux love. And you may get that, but no more than that. He has no empathy. He has no heart. He has no soul. No matter what he says. He sucks!
Don’t talk to the evil b@.......$+^£d. Get mad. Get madder. Get as mad as you can get. Use that strength.
I know I’m repeating what you know and have already heard. Hang on, sweetie, it’s going to be harder before it’s better. But it will be better. You will survive this. You will. I promise. Hang on to that truth.