When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
You have to continue to fight and have NO CONTACT with them.
Taken from http://www.esteemology.com
People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships with women for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.
Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others, their emotions are a precarious balance of needing others and needing to be left alone.
Narcissists feel an enormous void inside of them. This void is ever present and the only thing that fills it, is the love and esteem of another. The fix is always temporary though. A Narcissist describes it this way, “It’s like my brain is constantly seeking something. It’s like I’m always chasing a carrot at the end of a stick. Nothing I do satisfies me, at least not for long. I feel like I only do things because I’m supposed to, because society does it. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone.”
Narcissists are completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others. They enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or whatever need they may have. A relationship with a Narcissist always follows three phases, the over-evaluations phase, the devaluation phase and the discard phase.
The Over-evaluation Phase
A Narcissist is very careful when choosing a target. Typically, they will choose a victim based on their status. They must be attractive, popular, rich or extremely gifted in some area. The greater the status, the higher the value the Narcissist places on the Supply derived.
Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.
They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.
The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target) and they can’t believe how lucky they are and that this catch is still single.
What they doesn’t know or could ever be prepared for, is what comes next.
The Devaluation Stage
The Over-Evaluation phase, if you’re dealing with a Somatic Narcissist, usually lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months, just long enough for the Narcissist to be confident that they have secured their target’s love and devotion. Unbeknownst to the target, what they were witnessing in the early phase was the Narcissist’s false self. In this second phase, the mask comes off and the Narcissist starts to reveal their true colours.
The shift could be gradual or almost seemingly overnight. Suddenly the attention they so lavishly gave you is gone and replace by indifference and silence. Days or weeks could go by and you won’t hear from them. They don’t return your phone calls, they don’t keep a single promise and you’re starting to suspect that they might be involved with someone else. The target is left baffled and confused and wondering what they did wrong to cause such an abrupt turnaround.
Narcissists become bored easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high they were feeding off of is waning and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there.
They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As the Narcissist withdraws, the target starts to cling and your demands for his attention and your need to understand what’s happening, grate on his nerves. The harder you cling the more the Narcissist pulls away. They start to blame and criticize the target for everything, treating them like an emotional punching bag.
At this point the target is an emotional wreck. The Narcissist has left without any explanation and they can’t figure out how one minute they were put on a pedestal and now it’s like they doesn’t even exist. The Narcissist is a projector and they are projecting their emotional turmoil onto you. They feed off of other people’s misery (as long as it’s caused by them) just as much as they feeds off of your admiration, either way it makes no difference to them.
It is this person, this cruel, indifferent, unfeeling, sadist that is the behind the mask. Most targets desperately try to find the one they fell in love with. What they don’t realize is that that person never existed. They were a facade an act put on by the Narcissist to secure their Supply.
The Narcissist will take no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve treated you or how you are feeling.
Narcissists are not capable of forming normal healthy attachments to people. Those that aren’t familiar with the disorder are completely at a loss to understand how unnecessarily cruel their behavior can be. The target was never more than an object to the Narcissist, whose usefulness is on the decline.
The Narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this I love you, I love you not charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will breeze in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering.
This mind f**k is deliberate and they will keep feeding you crumbs of attention, just enough to keep you emotionally invested and available to cater to their every need.
At some point one of two things will happen: either they will find a new target and begin phase one with them, thus ignoring you completely, or you will have had enough of his psychotic abuse and you will take control and put an end to it, thus ushering In phase three.
The Discard Phase
It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a Narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end ”“ to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.
Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult. Once it is over the target is usually an emotional wreck, whose self-esteem has been annihilated by the persistent demeaning behavior, insults and cruelty of the Narcissist. Depending on when they were able to break free, the target maybe a shadow of their former self, with a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild their shattered self-image.
As a victim tries to pick up the pieces, What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain. There was nothing you could have done differently and none of this was your fault. The Narcissist will repeat this pattern with every person, every time, bar none.
All former targets must be vigilantly on guard, because a Narcissist always reserves the right to revisit a former source of supply, no matter how much time has passed or how badly they’ve behaved.
Once you have broken free you must close the door on any and all contact, because if you don’t you’re headed back to a watered down version of Phase One ”“ over and over and over again.
Hoping to Heal- thank you for writing, not just you everyone because reading what you say is really all I have right now. You are right, my therapist said im in severe trauma..and you are dead on about the faux love, or something..I need something to make me believe I did not waste 6 years on something that was FAKE the whole time!! When I met him he had a 9 month old..and a 5 year old. I took care of those children as they were my own, i bought them clothes, inculded them on trips to Florida, took care of the baby potty trained him. He literally..was cheating for 6 months and i has NO SIGN.We argued yes, over his lies..the constant weird little lies. He said I was controlling because I asked him to change his mailing address to our home..because after 3 years his mail was still going to his moms. When he started his new job..he refused to show me his paystub..said I was being controlling..but we were together 6 years!! I had a right to know what he made we shared bills. I have sat and sat and ripped apart everything I could have done wrong..Lord knows I am not perfect..I am sure i was not the perfect girlfriend..but I do not see how badly he says I was. He says ” you dont even see the blame you blame me for everything..I left to fix myself because i was always to blame”. HE INVITED WOMEN INTO OUR HOME..into his ex wifes home to have mid day hookups!! No I am the one with a peace order..I did NOTHING! Telephone missue..from calling when i found out about this girl. Most women i know..would have really given him a reason for a peace order. I feel so much of my life is gone..so many unanswered questions..why..what part of our life WAS real? Nothing? My sister died 2 years ago..suddenly at age 36..he was there for me..he took over the household duties he knew what i went thru. I feel like her death all over again. HOW COULD IT ALL BE FAKE!! He had fake email accounts..that I found out and asked him why he was hiding alias email addresses! It just is bizarree and it is all killing me inside so bad
Hello to all as I am new to this site and I have been dealing with the same effects. Until someone deals with a sociopath, they have no idea what we are going thru. I hade a 3 1/2 relationship with one and it has been a year since our breakup, as I am still dealing with the guilt and everything that I had gone thru. I was previously married and had just gotten a separation from my wife and this all started from Facebook with someone I had known from childhood (I’m 53) but had not seen in 35 years. I did not know what a sociopath was or what to look for, but when your gut tells you something is not right, listen to it. She started with the compliments and making me feel good with words, blah blah blah, you know the story. When we lived together that’s when everything started to change. My point to all this is that I gave up a 19 year marriage that was repairable and 3 1/2 years of isolation from my kids (14 an 18 at the time). I could not separate myself from this person no matter how much I knew it was wrong. These people are evil but I thought I could help or repair her, by showing love and acceptance to her. There is so much to write and say, but I try to make it a quest to be able to help others in this situation. I still need help and I read as much as I can to try and see that it wasn’t just me. Thank you for your support
dupednnc – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m sorry you needed to find us.
We have many, many articles and comments that I hope you’ll find helpful. Please feel free to join in the discussion any time.
Hoping to Heal- I dont think that is the case- He doesnt want to be back with me..he says to move on..and leave him alone. Then he says I can come see his son..I dont think HE has any intrest in talking to me ..he just plays a game. Now that he went away with her and her family- isnt that a big step? They have had to been dating alot longer then I think..and it makes me sick. As for the ex wife..she hates him..she divorced him and filed a order on HIM years ago. He lied to her also..I just dont know how..to move past. Its almost like I want answers..why did you he use me for 6 years..blame me in the relationship for being a nag..blaming him for everything. WE NEVER FOUGHT ever..we got along perfect..until a lie was found.
Taralav, I’m glad to read that you realize he doesn’t want you back, but don’t you think it’s odd that he still has contact. He wants and needs something from you, even if it’s just validation. And I agree, it’s a game with him.
And no, it’s no big deal that he went away with her and her parents. He has no shame, so it’s not like he’s embedding himself with them for some emotional reason. He went because that’s what worked for him at that point. And if something better came along tomorrow, he’d leave her and have no shame about the parents weekend. These people feel no guilt.
As for answers,I unfortunately you aren’t going to have them. And if you did they wouldn’t make sense to you. He blames you because he literally thinks he did nothing wrong, therefore it has to be your fault. For six years, maybe really only three, or two years, your relationship fit the things he needed. If you think back, he was probably bored with you a long time ago, but it was easier to stay than to go.
My husband stayed with me in order to build his career. He had the wife, the big family, the friends, yadayadayada. But he was bored long ago. Once my role of mommy began to wind down, he was done with me. On to other women. He used me and discarded me as if I was an old worn out sofa. It doesn’t make sense to me. But then, how could something so wrong ever make sense. He could explain it a million times and it would still be wrong. I’m right there with you in the grief and trauma of being used. He’s abandoned me just as my kids are all leaving and has left me to be alone through older years. I’ve worked to raise our children and now my dream of the future I planned is gone. It makes me sick.
I hope you realize why you never fought. because you trusted him. He used your trust to pull the wool, no, the entire sheep over your head. He’s a liar and a cheat. He cares only for himself and his needs, while you love big with your whole heart. You are a giver and very compassionate and he is exactly the opposite.
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to accept at first. The disbelief is overwhelming. I wish there was something to help you. No contact is the only thing I know that will stop the control.
I think for me..the HARDEST thing right now..is the obsession. I know I am not crazy..but i FFEL crazy. I am totally obsessed with seeing what he is doing with her..and when I find out things..like they went away together..it makes me so so depressed. I keep saying over and over how..how..after all our years I just did not matter anymore. When he took this new job in septemeber..i felt a sense of uneasiness going in..because he would be working in a call center..with women. I felt like wow..can i trust him. He told me the other day ” I took this job as my way out” ?? I guess because it was a very low paying job..hes saying he took it as his way out..of our house..family..I know I need to stop caring..but I am totally obsessed with watching their replationship and hoping it fails!!
I think that is all normal. Your logical mind knows the truth but you can’t accept it emotionally. You are extremely attached, as anyone would be in the same situation. He started planning an out a long time ago. You thought all was well and then, in one moment, Poof…it was over. When it happened to me, I felt like it was worse than losing someone I love to death. At least in death, they weren’t choosing to leave.
This initial stage of loss is so traumatic. Everyone here has gone through it, and it stinks! I felt crazy and was hyper vigilant. I couldn’t get to a calm place. I was in anxiety mode all the time! My sleep was disturbed. I cried all the time. And when I wasn’t crying, I was searching for answers. I felt like if I could just understand, then I would have some peace. My counselor told me that acting that way would only make me feel worse, and it did. But I was driven to do it. I wish I had a solution but I don’t. Is it comforting to know that your behavior is normal? Almost expected?
When you can stop looking, you will feel better. When you are ready for NC, that will also make you feel better. But I haven’t gotten to that point yet, so I’m not speaking from experience. Sometimes it takes longer. I will tell you this, I truly don’t care what he does anymore. I don’t care if he’s with other women, robs a bank, uses drugs, or climbs Mt Everest. So be it. I know who I am and I’m not defined by what he’s done to me, the blame he put on me, or by what he tells me I am. He’s chosen for his legacy in life to be about hurting others and breaking the rules. That’s not my legacy. I’m proud of my contributions in life, even during these years of isolation and despair.
When you shared your story, you spoke of his children and your relationship. That’s a legacy of good, Taralav! They will remember you fondly, no matter what he says. Also, I think you said that a friend directed you to this site. That person cares about you and is your friend. That is part of your legacy. Please try to see your value and worth.
Your relationship with him is like a vault. The door is closed and locked now. It’s a done deal. No matter how many keys you try, no matter who you ask, you will not be able to get into that vault and see what happened. You can use dynamite to try to blow it open, but you will never get in it to know his truths. So you have to ask yourself, “How much time am I going to waste on his vault?” . Because, really, in the long run….who gives a care what’s in there? I bet you really wouldn’t want to know. He’s an awful person and I bet there is some disgusting stuff in that vault. Most importantly, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. He would have done this no matter what. He got bored and has no feelings of loyalty or attachment.
I hope this is encouraging and doesn’t make you feel like you are wrong in your emotions. YOU ARE NOT, You are traumatized and grieved. This is the worse place to be. I remember. But you can read story after story of people on this site who say that one day, they woke up and they felt better. They felt alive again. They began to feel hope. I know that’s coming for you.
Maybe, if you feel like you can’t function because you are in such a bad place, you might consider medication for a short period of time. I’m not advocating or discouraging that process, but it is an option.
I’ve thought of you often since you joined this site, always sending best wishes. He’s not worth what your spending on him. I’m so sorry for you.
I am so glad I have this site to come to, and so grateful you, strangers to me, take the time to read and hear the pain and dispair and hopelessness im going thru. Its everyday, I wake up in tears..i sruggle to get dressed..always thinking what he is doing with her.I try to pinpoint or understand at what point it went bad..when he really did treat me with respect..we were best friends!! It was good for so long..the LIES were the only bad part. As far as him and me..we were partners..took our kids on nice vacations..why on earth would he want to throw me away. He was such a part of my life ..i go home and the house is quiet..i dont cook like i used to..i cry when I think about holidays and his upcoming birhday and how they will be spent. He was everything to me..and I miss the kids so much. We looked forward to weekends when we all were together. I just cant understand. I hope if i keep reading it will make sense at some point. He truley just is evil..people break up..ye. i know this. But not like he did to me. Led me on for months..saying he left and was at his moms to “fix” himself..and would be home. He told my 18 year old son..he needed to hold his copy of our mail key ( the mail box is a lockbox)..one day I asked my son where the key was..he said he couldnt tell me..I demanded he not keep a secret from me. He said “Joe asked me for the key mom because he ordered the engagement ring for you”. He ordered no ring..he was hiding mail from me. And my innocent son thought his mother was about to become engaged..and was keeping it a secret. Its just all too much..and now he took a weekend trip with this 26..(i found out shes 26, not 27) he goes away with her and her family?!! Its only been 3 months..we had 6 years together. He jumped right to the next before we were over!!
I’ve been there. I have tried and tried. He always lies and gives false hope, but never follows through. He hurts me over and over. And do you know why? I let him.
Serenty12 is right. You have to go NC, but that has been very hard for me. Of course, I have never experienced violence. That he kicked Serenity12….that is dangerous!,
The things you miss about him are just like the things I miss about my husband. You just have to grieve. Have you read Donna’s new post today? It’s a great one for you.
taralav – I can feel your pain in your writing and I remember it all too well so I felt complelled to chime in.
You’re experiencing the cognitive dissonance part of your highly abnormal relationship/breakup and in my experience, that’s the most difficult part to overcome. Here’s my advice based on things I use/used to get through the incredibly unsettling CD:
Your recollections/memories of the good times are YOURS (but yours alone) and you should always hold onto them because of what they meant to YOU at the time they occurred. But, as difficult as it is, you must accept that his recollections/memories/experience of the times with you meant NOTHING to him like what they meant to you, despite what he told you at the time. He was never your bestfriend or partner and did not experience the relationship in any manner close to how you did. He wanted you to feel exactly the way you did and succeeded because that’s what they do and do well.
You, like the rest of us, chose a mentally ill/disordered/evil person for a partner through no fault of your own. You were tricked into falling in love and now you’re dealing with that aftermath. No Contact is your ONLY option to recover and No Contact will eventually bring you innner peace.
Tara, you need to make the CHOICE to cut off all contact. Can you take a vacation somewhere? You’re at a dangerous point that can be life threatening/altering. I got the S%$T kicked out of me for going too far and my reputation RUINED. It WASN’T worth it and has made my recovery that much harder and longer.
YOU have control. It’s going to be terribly painful for about 3 days. Just like if you were in rehab. You need to detox. You need to just do this. Take your life, power and control back.
Serenity12- I did good, all weekend. I really did. I drank too much..visited friends and had his number blocked. Then Sunday I found out..he had gone away with her and her parents!! We literally have not even REALLY been broke up a month. Its been 3 months since he “went to his moms” but we saw each other, were intimate, hung out with the kids, and so forth..he had said he was coming home. He told me ALL those months he was coming home..until he knew he could stay with her. Then he finally said he was not coming back. He had to make sure he had built a relationship with her and hooked her. So the whole weekend..i felt how good I was doing..hoping maybe it bothered him..but he was away in north carolina with her. and her family. And they dont ask why their daughter is seeing a man who is 38?? The girl was born in 1987!!
Hi Tara, I’ve read your posts and wanted to add a voice of support for you. Sociopaths play a very sinister game, and you will never ever be free from it until you walk away. I know you don’t want to. But you have to. And at some point you will know you have to. It will not get better with him. It will just continue like this until you are destroyed. And he won’t care. You are giving him the power to destroy you. And he will, because he doesn’t care. I know it’s hard to understand. You can’t wrap your mind around the dark games of a sociopath. All you can do is get out the path of destruction. Trust me when I say that anyone who could treat you so horribly will NOT do better by another woman. Walking away would be easier if you felt better. But you feel horrible. You are longing and pining (because this is the nature of addiction). And still, you have to walk away. I promise you – like everyone here has promised you – you will get past this and you will be stronger. You cannot imagine it yet, but you will survive this. You need to take a stand for yourself and promise yourself that no one will ever treat you like that again!! As soon as you do that you will raise your level of self-respect, and you will start to feel better. You will start feeling angry. And over time, you will break the addiction. It wILL get better. If you feel you’re about to break down and contact him, come on here and write about it. Go for a walk. Do something for yourself.
Stargazer-it.just is getting worse..hes now threatened to turn in the peace order to violate me..he said Wednesday. Even though he has been in contact with me. All along hes been talking to me and ive met up with him..one second hes nice the next hes horrible. When I asked him flat out why he cheated on me, why he discarded me after 6.years he simply said he stopped caring about me, and thats all the answer I would get. Why then for months he told me he was going to work things out and loved me. I feel soo much time wasted. Sorry if im repeating myself. I just am so floored. All his things were left here and when I was cleaning up in the kids room I found mail under the mattress he hid from me..child support crap..what was the big.deal to hide that.i also found a post-it note which I realized had his ex wifes email on it and password!! He was going into her emails. So now..I wait. Im scared he will violate me but he contacted me! And his new young girlfriend he is already told her he loves her!!! Already!!
Taraluv, you are still assuming he is like a normal human. You are trying to get rational answers out of him and you want to believe what he says. But he is a sociopath! He is not capable of love. And nothing that comes out of his mouth means anything. He will tell his so called gf he loves her one day and then lose interest in her the next. One day he will decide you are the best thing that ever happened to him and want you back. And the next day he will discard you. This is all a game to him. Just the fact that he cheated should be enough to make you never want to see his sorry face again. What he has done to you is a massive betrayal.
Lifeisgood2013-thank you also for writing. .I feel like im trapped in a nightmare. .he is such a liar and no matter what I say to this girl he will lie his way past it. He has two sister’s. .he told this new girlfriend he has 4..and named his two cousin’s as sisters!! He said hes so protective because he had 4 sisters. What a dumb lie! He has no cares at all of what he is putting me thru. My son graduates in less than a month and it’s just been awf.i don’t deserve any of this. He was leading a double life!!
You say you feel trapped, taraluv. As long as you are in communication with him, you ARE trapped – trapped in his web. There is only one way out. Cut off all contact and walk away for good. This is the ONLY thing you can do. There is nothing you could say, do, or find out about him that will make things any better. Making the decision to walk away will give you your power back.
Tara-
I know what I’m about to say is a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s the dose of reality that I hope can help you. Right now, you’re caught in a painful place that exists between discovery and the absorption of reality. And the quicker you can accept the reality, the faster you and your son, who needs to understand it as well, can move on.
This man has always been, and always will be a psychopath. The man you fell in love with was conjured up in his over active imagination. He is an actor and the other folks in his relationships are not even actors to him. They are simply props in his play. Although you experienced love, he did not. He only pretended to because you provided something he needed and wanted at the time. You shouldn’t pay any attention to what he says you did to end his caring. You did nothing, He never had any. He is incapable of love. He is only capable of using people.
That caring you think he feels for his new interest is as shallow as what he felt for you and your son. You were simply the people he could manipulate because you were capable of love. Never regret being that person, but understand that psychopaths exist, and you need to figure out whether the person has a character disorder before you give your heart away again.
Don’t beat yourself up for falling prey. Psychopaths are exceptional at conning people. You may need help to get beyond your ruminations. If you do, find a therapist who is familiar with psychopathy. A mild anti-depressant could also help you to stop ruminating, pondering and heaping blame on yourself. Once you figure out what he did, the anger at yourself for becoming his victim is a normal part of recovery. What you did was simply to fall in love with a person who could easily spot what worked at winning you over, and had so little character that he could become that person at the drop of a hat.
Many of us walk away from these psychos with our lives in shreds. Our finances, living arrangements, employment, social structure, even our children can be caught up in the fairy tale that was created to suit their fancy. “No contact” will enable you to stop the chemical attraction and rid yourself of the hook that he planted in your psyche. And you will be able to address the changes you need to make for yourself and your loved ones with a clearer head.
You’ll need to replace that “loved” feeling you had with him with “loved” feelings you create for yourself. A quick way to do so is to engage in volunteer work that enables you to rebuild your self esteem, and embark on an exercise program to pump up your endorfins, even if it’s a simple as power walking or biking in pretty surroundings. Surround yourself with people you love, and who love you, Experiencing art, planting a garden in the fresh Spring air and sunlight, enjoying a funny movie….. “The Other Woman” could be a good pick! You’ll see plenty of “him” in the main character, and a humorous scenario we all wish we could pull off as a means to recover.
You will triumph over your loss. You’ll need to change your mindset about what you experienced. It starts by comprehending that you were punked by a degenerate. His naive girlfriend will learn what you know in due time.
The concept that we could have invested so much of ourselves in someone so incapable of returning those feelings is heart wrenching. He was an experienced, cunning liar. He did this before, and he’s doing it again.
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
Joyce
Joyce- Thank you for your post advice. I have been seeing a counselor, although she is very nice I do not feel she is helping too much. After describing to her everything I have been thru, she says she does think he has anti-social disorder and narcisscist. She asks me, what holds me back the moving on. My answer..Time. I know 6 years is not the longest time ever, but to me I had planned a future with this man. I still break down in tears at the image of me across from him in a court room. The man I loved, who I took his children in as my own..I loved him and I feel so alone. My best friend and he took me to a court room. For a peace order. Not for kicking a$$ or his gross girlfriends, not for slashing his tires, nothing like that because I did nothing destructive. I caught him cheating. I called him probably more then I should have back to back because he refused to tell me what the heck was going on. Telephone misuse.
I was in a court room, ive never had a record, across from this man I shared my entire life with. I cry just typing this because it shattered me. He cheated, but filed a order on me? It has been so traumatic for me, my good friend on this site..drove all the way from another state to attend the hearing with me. I was so sick over it. He made the remark to me ” you didn’t need to bring people with you” but yes- I was a wreck.
so-he now tells this new girl 12 years younger he loves her. After 3 months. I was 6 years…and all our time, our home, kids we co-raised together, are nothing. When I asked him why he cheated, he said ” I just stopped caring about you that is the only answer I will give you”
He stopped caring. But a month prior we were looking to move into a new home. He said he took his low salary paying job in a call center ” as his way out”. Way out of what? Sharing bills with me..being a father and partner. His way out. So he could be in a call center of women and tell them he was a single dad..raising his son alone. He did not bother to mention his other child..he only claims one son when he has 2, by 2 different women.
So I cry and cant move past over time. I spent so many years and one day…I was nothing. In the blink of a eye. I was gone. My son who he raised with me..will never see him again..he doesn’t even care all his things he has left behind in the house. He is telling this girl he loves her, she tells him ” im addicted to you”. its sickening. I lay awake at night…and I wake up in tears. I don’t even feel alive.
I read your words and know that you in the throes of grief. That’s normal.
He is a predator. (snakes are not attached to their prey either).
As such, he uses people.
He targets.
He trolls for new targets, the call center reminds me of trolling in a barrel.
He was never attached so it was easy for him to hunt for new prey.
When you decide you don’t want to feel this pain anymore, you can prioritize making YOU feel better.
One weirdo thing that made me feel better was watching the Bridget Jones movie, and that scene, where the Predator says “we’re alike, you and I.” and Bridget realized she didn’t want to be “LIKE HIM”, a predator. and she replied, “That’s not good enough for me anymore”.
It was then that I realized even if my husband decided he wanted me after all, I did not want him, a predator. I did not want to be LIKE HIM. To be treated as he treated me was “NOT Good enough for me AnyMore”.
I wish for you to find that space.
I wish that for everyone who has to realize we don’t miss who they ARE, we miss who they said they WERE. The line they used to capture PREY.
They are Predators and Predators USE people, they are “Players”.
Joyce,
Your advice is right on target and so very simple. I know in my own case, the efforts to save my relationship with my husband became my number one priority. Before I realized he was a Spath, I did everything I could to help him see that our family was what he needed, not a life on his own. Since the revelation of his personality disorder, I continued to ruminate over why he behaved as he did, knowing in my head the facts but not being able to absorb them, Having no physical contact and very little verbal contact has allowed my heart to absorb the truth. I had so much trouble because the attachment was so strong.
Your RX for recovery is so simple. It makes sense that focusing on others and comforting activities for ourselves will allow our traumatized minds to calm and heal.
Thanks for that direction. I’ll be working those activities into my life.
Tara, long before I even knew what a spath was, I was living with a man for 3 years whom I thought was the love of my life. I regarded him as my husband. We fought a lot, and seemed to have some differences but I felt that we were bonded. One day we talked about marriage. I asked him jokingly that if we didn’t kill each other by summer, would he make me an honest woman. He said yes. A few months went by. One morning we were especially intimate. I went about my day. When I came home, he was on the phone with another woman. I picked up another line and asked her if she knew he was LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND? “Shut up!” he said on the other line. “You’re NOT my girlfriend.” I was so shocked I packed a bag and just left. I never spoke to him again. Months after I’d gotten my stuff moved out and rented an apartment, costing me a car accident and every dollar I’d been saving for years, I wrote him a letter and sent it the old fashioned way. I told him about the hell I’d been through since the break-up. I was surprised that he even bothered writing me back. Know what he said? (You’ll love this….) He said he could really sympathize with how I feel because the woman he left me for was the FIRST WOMAN HE EVER REALLY LOVED (!!). She turned out to be a player and she already had a bf. He said he spent the weekend crying over her. As for me, he had never really loved me, or stopped loving me at some point.
I felt as if I’d been hit by a mack truck, and then the truck backed up and ran me over, leaving me for dead. It was a 4-year relationship but it took me 2 years to even start dating again.
If mine was only 4 years with no kids, I can only imagine your pain and grief. It must just rip you in half. But did you notice the part in my story where I walked away from him and never spoke with him again? Even before LoveFraud, I understood the value of No Contact as the only action. The hardest thing to wrap my mind around was that he never really loved me. In my world, if I didn’t love someone, I wouldn’t be intimate with them, I wouldn’t live with them, I wouldn’t discuss marriage with them. I know what it feels like to hear that from someone you loved deeply and considered as your life mate. This kind of betrayal cuts pretty deep. It’s very hard to get over. But I have loved since then – several times. And I’m much healthier now than I was then. I would never let a relationship get to that point again. I would stand up for myself much sooner.
Tara, the sooner you make the break, the sooner you can start healing. I’m not gonna tell you it’s easy. But you gotta come out of denial. This man does not love you, and he will never change. I’m so sorry – really sorry – you have to go through this. I know it’s so hard to accept. But think about this: Why would you give the time of day to someone who doesn’t care about you? Who could betray you so horribly? Does he even deserve one more minute of your day?
I understand Stargazer, I feel the same way ..I thought of him as my life partner. You are a very strong person . It cuts so deeply I have never felt anything like this. I just go day by day in fear..he has talked to me since the peace order and by my own stupidity I have responded. He no threatens me he is going to violate me and I live every day waiting to see if he does. I do not belong in jail..not after living with someone for 6 years..HE CHEATED not me..I am trying to make the break..he has texted me today saying someone would contact me in a few days to gather his belongings. He left a huge mess for me to clean up and I don’t know where to start. You are right he does not deserve another minute of my day at all. I also can not wrap my head around that I was not loved, like you. I do not understand that every single thing was fake. How could it be..How could my entire life be fake
Tara, I wish I had an answer for you. I never could understand how someone could live with you and sleep with you for so many years, then discard you suddenly like an old shoe. I never found an answer to that question for myself because it is not in my realm of understanding. But you do survive it, and you do get past it. You are stronger than you think.