You feel like a doormat, you are competitive with siblings, you have no sense of yourself. Worse yet, you can’t figure out why you feel the way you do.
An insightful article on Huffington Post, written by Anna Almendrala, suggests that your problem may not have originated with you, but with your parents. Maybe your parents were narcissists.
The article describes six ways you may feel or behave now, why your emotions or behaviors may be the result of a narcissistic parent, and how you can recover.
6 Signs you were raised by a narcissist, on Huffingtonpost.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
He knew her for 20 years, but didn’t know she was a lying, cheating sociopath
EXCELLENT ARTICLE!!!!!!
Thanks Donna.
This is so relevant on this site, so much more than I ever realized.
I never ever thought the spath would be the messenger, the wake up call to be the free thriver I am today.
Stronginthecity
I’m glad I found this site. I’m going through a divorce with a narcissist, whose mask just recently fell off, and only then, did I realize that I’ve been sleeping with the enemy for 16yrs.
Before marriage, I was a social magnet. I loved people, and people just loved being around me. That all changed when I married my husband. We are African. Our culture places the man on a much higher pedestal, and women are always told to stomach whatever crap he gives you.
My husband turned my daughter and I into a desolate island. When I noticed his lies and confronted him about it, he turned into a fierce beast. All the “sweetness” vanished. When I tried to turn to family for emotional support, they told me I was a shame to the family, for planning to leave my husband.
He became violent to our child. I believe he practiced voodoo on us because many times at night, I snapped out of my sleep and found him standing by my night stand. He had a different reason each time. He was gas lighting me. I got a protection order against him, but for lack of support, plus keeping his family on my social media contacts, got me to drop that order after 2 trips of asking the judge to drop it. Biggest mistake ever. My child and I moved to the basement. All sorts of accidents started happening there. My bank account got all sorts of mistakes,and double charges from everywhere. Car broke down,all water systems in the basement went out and draining system backed up.Heating system in the basement went out.The odd thing is that he put my daughter and I to an unconscious state, and we woke up both disoriented until he redirected us. We were his slaves. I could not say no to sex – he always got it….took his share and walked away, without a care of how I felt or whether I was done too. I was never allowed to leave the house alone. He knew what I was doing and who I was talking with, when I wasn’t in the house. The kid wasn’t allowed friends, so she too became a loner at school and at home all attention was to be given him, not the kid.
Anyways I finally left home with the kid, then he was served with the divorce papers. He called pleading for another chance, and gave me all the promises this world knows. I kept reminding myself how brutal he was when we came back from dropping the protection order, so I knew “another chance” probably meant another chance to torture us to death.
Here’s the mother of all scandals. Text messages that incriminated him disappeared from my phone, leaving only the messages that left him looking good. Police reports vanished from the police stations. I was lucky to get a back up call log from the dispatcher office. My husband probably hasn’t thought to heck into their dispatcher system too, otherwise all my claims at him threatening to kill us for disobedience, would have appeared as another figment of my imagination before the judge. FDA reports vanished. All my evidence is gone. Early childhood medical records are also missing. There’s only office records showing sick day visits only. All the developmental delays that point fingers at abuse and neglect of the kid are missing you guys. My lawyer talked with his lawyer exchanging some information, and I suspect she believes his testimony over mine, because she just won’t hear of what little I’ve put together to show that he’s not safe to be with the kid alone. She tells me to mind my own business with her and let him run bus life with her his way. I am staying with the kid now and he hasn’t had physical contact with us since we fled in June. I’m so frustrated and at my wit’s end to see the days draw closer to surrendering my child over to be abused and neglected. We’ve made so much progress in her making and keeping new friends, fitting into society like a normal kid. I really worry she’ll regress when she goes to him. She’s repeatedly verbalized fear of her father, but the lawyer said that doesn’t count, he will be given parenting time. I am fighting this battle alone, and my evidence is being stolen from me. Oh ya the phone company said once the texts are deleted, they can’t be recovered. The lawyer said there’s ways of getting that stuff, but she’s only there to get me divorced, so somebody else will have to hold him accountable for that (not her) it’s free services, so there’s not much I can do really. In all the 16yrs I was married to him, I never kept my pay. He took it all and I was never allowed access to the “family account” so I can’t hire a loyal attorney. I will do what best I can to fight for my child. I’m just wondering if anyone knows whether there’s a way, I can ask the judge to order an investigation into the deleted messages and missing medical records. I have no proof, and no legal advice on that front. My attorney is really nice, but I suspect she’s been blind sided,as you well know that narcissists will use anything and anyone to fight their cause. She mentioned that she thinks I was traumatized by the wars in Africa, saying it was referenced in one of the documents. I told her, I was 3 when the war ended, I never saw it because I lived in the city, she snapped back saying our characters are set by the time we’re 3. So,it’s really hard to convince her that he’s not the victim, she should be fighting for me, not him.
If anyone has suggestions, please help me save my daughter. My husband just wants to use her to lure me back home because he’s told me many times that we 3 will be family again, rain or shine.
Thank you
Hi survivor1
I’m not too sure of the laws in the USA as I live in the UK but that sounds terrible the problems you are having with your ex. I just couldn’t imagine anything like this happening in the uk. For one the children’s social services department would have been called in for the neglect and child abuse. I don’t understand how several government departments have allowed files to go missing or how they had such evidence on files and do nothing about it?!
In UK during child custody case or care proceedings the child would be assigned a “guardian ad litem” which is basically a solicitor or voice for the child. Also legal aid is automatically available in all children and family matters. Also you say your ex husband took control of the family account but if you are no longer together then surely he doesn’t still control the finances including your income/wages? If your ex husband gets a visitation order then what would happen if you didn’t comply with the order? You should put the child’s welfare first especially if they is risk of harm to the child. Go and get a protection/ harassment order against him. Or do you need to pay for this too? Don’t they have women’s refuges or shelters in the USA? I know in the uk when the absent parent has been given a visitation order by the court if the other parent doesn’t agree and doesn’t cooperate with that order when its not in the child’s best interests then there’s nothing really the court can do about it. They cannot force a mother to allow the father visits to the child and even cases that have been brought back to court all they do is issue another order. But still if the mother chooses to ignore that order and not cooperate then the courts are powerless to do anything.
Also they is some software available to buy on the Internet to recover deleted text messages I don’t know how much it is though.
Another thing, our characters/ personalities are not set by the time we are 3 years old, it is this age when our personalities are developing and start and are usually determined around 8 years of age. Who was it that mentioned in some documents that you were traumatised by the wars in Africa? I’m presuming this was some psychiatrist or psychologist? They are the only ones qualified to diagnose trauma or PTSD and unless you have had an assessment by either of those then nobody else has a right to say such things. I’d seriously consider changing your attorney as a matter of urgency. I don’t understand how or why she’s speaking with your ex? She’s supposed to be representing and fighting for you not him. I had court proceedings several years ago with my ex fighting me for custody. The court ordered a psychological assessment on both of us. He lied throughout, was dishonest and denied allegations which she had evidence of in front of her by authorities. Of course he lost the case and never had a leg to stand on anyway. I wasn’t even worried that he would get anywhere near my child, & he didn’t because he had far too much history against him with violence towards his ex’s and a string of other offences. The courts just threw it out. Not many custody court cases go in favour of the father in the UK, unless there’s serious allegations and evidence against the mother that suggest she shouldn’t have Care of her children.
Tjj79,thank you for your input. Social services conducted an investigation and said since he didn’t leave any physical marks on her from the beatings,then it’s considered disciplining a child. The state of Nebraska allows for spanking as long as you don’t leave marks. If they could have seen how he was beating her. He was showering heavy slaps left and right all over her face and head. She’d been filled with so much anger inside, over the years, that she would stifle the cries and few squeaks would come out. However, when she went to her room, she’d kick things and sob bitterly. Even then child protective services said they were bound by the fact that there were no marks ever left on the kid. Regarding the lawyer, she’s with an agency that protects domestic violence family members. That’s why it’s a freebie. Yes I now handle my own finances, but I’m only now learning everything, from what to do when the money gets into the bank, which bills are paid first and on tight months, which bills to sacrifice. A private lawyer wanted me to put a hefty retainer fee, Then told me if no resolution is met, I have to pay another retainer fee 3 times as much, to work on the trial. So that put an end to looking elsewhere. Regarding the traumatic remark, first she had said my therapist said so. When I requested documentation so I could dispute the claims, she then said she forgot where she saw it. However, she had made reference to something that happened in Africa, which I had never discussed with the therapist nor her, because there really was no ground to bring those up. That’s how I concluded she had been talking with my husband’s attorney, otherwise how else could she have known that hey? I got nowhere trying to get answers. So I came to the conclusion that since she was new, she literally took up my case before she unpacked, she relied on information supplied by the opposition, as such she built an opinion about me, based on that. I don’t know for sure, but that’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now. I really don’t mean to turn this into a lawyer bashing party,but I’ve begged her to believe my testimony and fight for me, but she just told me to shift my focus away from the mysterious stuff happening around, and that she wasn’t interested in those missing medical records as she’s focused only on getting me the divorce, not h going that fast back in old records. So ended that too. I wish the States was like UK to where I’d have ignored what judgement might be giving visitation. Unfortunately in this case, I’d be held in contempt, and he’d be given full custody by default.
I’m worried about this Guardian ad Litem ordeal, because given the short straw I’ve been getting from people who are supposed to help me protect this kid, that Guardian ad Litem would just engineer things to send my kid back to the gallows, after such a narrow escape. I have put everything in writing to the lawyer. If their agency helps send my kid to face more abuse and neglect, after all my cries for help – *God forbid * I will hold them accountable. Right now I can only fight so much. I have said if he’s given unsupervised visitation, I want a No. Contact order for myself. they can force the poor kid to get abused, but not me. I want to be there, to pick up the broken pieces and heal her wounds everyday she returns battered. It’s very painful to imagine, but there’s so little I can do. I don’t know the law as much add they do.
Surviver1, you have been through so much…I hear such anguish in your post. I would highly recommend that you look at the site Onemomsbattle. com (USA) and their Facebook page also. The site creator out of her dealings with trying to divorce a narcissist started her site, wrote two books on divorcing a narcissist & child custody and also runs the Facebook page. You will see that sadly you are not alone but you will also find that you have so much support that will help you on your dark days trying to get away from this evil man with that site while going through the court system.
One of the things that can be done in court is to get a court ordered mental evaluation on the abuser (your soon to be ex husband). I am not sure what your court system is like or if you can ask the judge for such an evaluation through your lawyer. But here in the USA this is a valuable piece of paper to hand to the judge. Ask your local abuse center for help on this too.
I would highly recommend that you open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page to that you can chat on the One Moms Battle Facebook freely but most important safely where your ex will not see what you are chatting about nor his friends/family. One moms battle does have members from different parts of the Globe (i.e. England) so maybe there is someone from Africa. But a better shot to connect with others from Africa would be the site Psychopath Free (USA) you can look in the “parenting section” of the site for dealing with court issues or other sections… they also have a Facebook page that is excellent for support as well as their parent section of the site. Ask questions on both Facebook pages don’t be affair the support is priceless.
BEWARE THIS MAN THAT YOU WERE MARRIED TO IS VERY DANGEROUS!! I do not think that it was coincidental that things in the basement started to happen…there is no doubt that he was behind these acts as this is what sociopath do they create chaos & drama to control people and also to push the good people over the edge. Know that these evil sociopaths use brain washing, mind control, trance & hypnosis on their victims so while you were sleeping he might have been doing these things to you..this is how evil they truly are.
Do a search up at the top of Lovefruad for “gas lighting abuse” and also on the net it will explain all that happened to you and your daughter in the basement at the hands of your evil ex. You state that your ex wants to “use her to lure me back home”…this is EXACTLY what sociopaths will do to control the wife from leaving!!
Have you contacted your local abuse center for help in keeping your daughter away from your ex? And for refiling a new restraining order. Or called your National Domestic abuse Hotline for help for court issues? Keep reaching out for help with your local abuse center until you find the help you need with court issues.
Glad that you found this wonderful site and you had the courage to write your story.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best with your new life. Hugs to you. take care
PS with regards to the “court order mental evaluation” ask how to do this on One Moms battle Facebook page & the also the site creator through an email located on the website.
Jan7 thank you for the websites. I’ll get to them for sure. It’s interesting that you mentioned the trance and hypnosis. That was the order of my day. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I was involuntarily driven to fall asleep whenever I was in his presence. So many times. I still have no clue what he did to me or the kid when he put us out. I told the therapist and the lawyer. They must not have believed me. The lawyer told me such things are not common in America, so the judge will discredit your credibility just leave those out and focus on normal day to day complaints and just know that he’s a parent too and WILL be given visitation. She said many women make their kids afraid of their fathers because the mom is angry with him, so the kid echoes such sentiments. I can only assume that based on your remark about them controlling minds and etc,he’s probably worked his way to her too. here’s a big question for you. How do they get strangers in the community to faithfully carry out their agenda? I tell you, Even in this new home, we discovered a door we seldom use, was now unlocked. The night before, I had a dream where he was in there and he was kissing me but I struggled to push him off, then I fell into a deep sleep. My daughter woke up telling me she had a dream that felt so real and dad had been around then took her biking at our usual weekend biking trail we did when we were still family. So if you consider the fact that we both had the same dream, and later that afternoon discovered the door unlocked – I can only figure be knows where we stay and had someone let him in by accessing the house by day and leaving the door open so he can come in and out as he wills at night, knowing it would be forever before we noticed the door was no longer locked. How do they network and work for each other like this?
You might want to think about finding a new lawyer that will protect you and your daughter. It sounds like your lawyer does not understand domestic abuse because if she did there is no way she would sent your daughter to visit your ex.
As for the trance & hypnois I don’t know much about this because it actually frightens me to much but YES these evil people do these things to gain power over others. You can research this on the net & in the book Woman who love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown there in info on this as well.
I would highly recommend that you go on line and/or to your local large hardware store to by an alarm system for your home…these type of systems use battery verses being hardwired into your home and they are very easy to install just need a screw driver. You also might want to check into a company that installs them & then monitors the home by calling your home if someone does enter the home.
WHEN it comes to a sociopath in your life ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT ALARM!! It will never steer you in the wrong direction. And right now your gut is saying that he entered your home…follow that gut feeling as sociopaths do break into homes to have control over their spouse & to put fear in them to return to them. Listen to your daughters gut alarm too kids alarms are normal extremely accurate because they don’t have the distractions that we have like paying bills & going to work.
How do they get others to do things for them? The same way the con their victims into a romantic relationship = with a pity me story, love bombing, making the person feel fearful etc. Always remember a sociopath are extremely cunning, manipulative and pure pure evil and will do anything and everything to get what they want.
Please take measures to secure your home & also read everything you can get your hands on regarding these evil people so that you will be able to spot on a mile away in your future. 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths & psychopaths and 1 in 5 people are narcissist 75% are men…these evil people blend into society and are every where. Experts say that we meet on in passing everyday whether at work, in a deli line or at a friends party and that we have one in our circle of friends and family without even knowing it. VERY VERY dangerous world we live in.
Some books that will educate you:
Red Flags of Lovefraud by Donna Anderson (go up to the top of this site under “book store to find out more about this book and Donna’s book list)
Woman who love psychopath by Sandra Brown
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan ( his site is Freedom of mind recourse center. com USA)
Love fraud it the best site to truly educate yourself…if you go to the very top of the site read everything under the red/gray tab and watch her excellent videos.
Also Psychopathyawareness.wordpress is another good site to educate yourself.
Stay strong…we are here for you…keep asking questions and know that you are not alone in more. hugs to you. 🙂
Survivor1 the above post is for you…sorry for got to direct it towards you. 🙂
Survivor1, I just wanted to add that do a google search for
Domestic Abuse help Africa
Domestic abuse lawyers africa
Domestic abuse help Africa
To see if you can find a organization that can really guide you to a good lawyer and good direction to help you & your daughter in court. Don’t settle with the lawyer you have now. I know you are mentally & physically exhausted from all that you ex has put you thru and is still in court but you have to keep fighting to find someone to help you with the court issues. Also check out the site & Facebook page that I directed you to in the original post One Moms battle and Psychopath free site in parent section. Hugs!
Thanks Jan7.
It’s so unfortunate that, someone who’s supposed to love and cherish you is the one more dangerous than an armed robber. I will be certain to look into the resources you mentioned. My worry about changing lawyers is the fact that, they all take my side for a moment, then as if under a hypnotic spell, switch loyalty to him. So, I think for now, knowledge is power. I will get as much education from this site, other resources that you listed and more research that I can do. If I know what’s going on and how to fight it, I hope to prevail. Another thing, changing too many lawyers at such little remaining time is going to take me two steps back, by trying to learn the new one and building a trusting relationship. The other thing too, it’ll appear to the judge like I’m the bad one having trouble with everyone around me. So on this one I’ll bite the bullet and soldier on with vigilance. Thank you so much for the support and the hugs. I really need them.
Survivor1, yes, they are so dangerous…worse then an “armed robber”! Such a scary world we live in. Once you throughly educate yourself on who sociopaths really are you can see them every where…on tv, in stores, maybe the judge etc If only we were taught this info when we were school kids it would have saved so many from so much heartache. As your daughter gets old teach her to follow her gut with people and how to spot these people.
The book Gift of fear by Gavin Debecker is an excellent reminder that we have a god given radar alarm just like an animal in safari who runs when there is a sound they don’t stand around and wonder is this lion a good lion or a bad lion they just know instinctively to run and not look back. Also google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on Gavin’s book and how to listen to your gut.
You are not alone in changing lawyers…this is NORMAL process there are so many crooks in the lawyer department…when you go on One moms battle you will see each and everyone of those victims change divorce lawyers countless time because simply they were not getting the extent of the danger & the manipulation of the sociopath and all his mental games he plays on everyone. They are simply not educate or they also could be a narcissist or sociopath themselves.
Glad that you found this site to vent & ask question it really does help to stay sane and know that you are not alone also that what you endure was HELL and that you were not the “crazy one” your ex is the crazy one!!!
Hugs to you! 🙂
Survivor1, One thought is to buy One moms battle divorce book and give it to your lawyer to educate her on what is really going on with your ex. I think there is a kindle version ?? that might be a quicker means to getting her the book & also for her to read it before court again since you are in Africa the mail time maybe lengthy. You can also give her (the lawyer) the sites I listed above. Clearly she needs to be educated!! This might just save your daughter.
You should also look into PTSD as an issue for both you & your daughter. A very high percentage of victims of domestic abuse & abuse at the hands of a sociopath have PTSD.
Check out the sites: Adrenalfatigue. org (USA) and DrLam. Com (USA) look at their symptoms list and get tested for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, vitamin & mineral deficiency all issues with PTSD that needed to be correct to truly heal fully from abuse. Goolge “Adrenal fatigue symptoms” also.
Jan7 I left Facebook some 5yrs or so ago. I also cut ties with almost every friend and family. I pushed everyone away. When reality hit, and I tried to turn to family and friends for help, there was nobody in sight. Then when I left, I started reaching out to them. Most of them were glad to have me back, but with some, there was an element of pleasure at the news that my family fell apart and my head was deflated. none the less, I have grown a lot through this process. I’m certainly not the person I was. I’m much stronger. Thank you for such a kind hand you’ve outstretched to me.
Really a great article on Narcisists but she makes the terible mistake of confusing the victims of being Narcisists too. The victims may pick up some traits but if they feel regret and confusion and try to get help, they are not Narcisists. A real Narcisist does not care what other people feel or how much they hurt them. A real Narcisist is like a Sociopath, they have a brain disorder that is devoid of empathy for others.
Jan7,
It’s very true, that’s it’s quite likely that she is doing this, for lack of true understanding the difference in presentation, between the abuser and the abused – as Delores pointed out.
Do you have a website that talks about how these sociopaths connect with each other and work for each other. How come a victim of sociopaths keeps falling victim to more and more. Why the timing?
I’m in the United States.
Hugs right back at you my new found family.
Hi Survivor1, my apologies Lovefraud gets post from victims all over the world so when you said you were “African” I equated that to you living in Africa now. I am truly sorry that you have endured so much from this evil man and that you are still having to fight him to keep safe and for your daughters safety.
I don’t have a website on how they connect with each other but if someone else is a sociopath I think they know right away and like the old saying “birds of a feather flock together” I think this is what happens just like the victims flock together to lift each other up and to guide them on how to get these evil people out of our lives.
There are so many sociopaths on this planet. Experts believe that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths and psychopaths and they are not all killers but they are doctors, school teacher, politicians etc all blending into society. While the good people are taught that there is “good in everyone” we are easy targets especially when given a “pity me” story by the sociopath to suck us in and then us good people give them a pass card over and over as they are extremely manipulative & cunning like you now know. I think that there are so many of them and this is why victims keep falling for their love bombing, pity play, gas lighting abuse and they play the “good guy” in the beginning of a relationship then drop their mask when they have the victim hooked into their con game. the victim then feels like if she does things differently it will get back to the “good guy”. But that never happens because the are not good they are evil!.They are exactly like cult leaders and the victims are cult followers so you always have to have you guard up remember Trust is earned not given away.
This is why is a must to educate yourself throughly on how to spot them by looking at site, reading victims experiences, reading books on the subject and most importantly following your GUT!!
I think you could look on the site Psychopath Free maybe they would have an article on that subject. Also check your local library to see what books they have for domestic abuse victims & also on the subject of sociopaths. Up at the top of love fraud Donna has listed a book store fully of books that she personally has read & reviewed if you want to buy books. Be sure to watch Donna Anderson’s videos up at the top several times they are excellent & fully of valuable information.
I think you should open a fake email then a fake Facebook page then go to the Facebook page “privacy settings” and block everyone so know one sees your post and add a none descripted picture at the top so that you blend in then chat on the Facebook pages One moms battle and also Psychopath Free plus Lovefraud but I find with Lovefraud that site here has more people chatting. Ask question on both of those pages via the “Message” button up at the top so that the site creator will read your request and hopefully will post a post on the main board for you. Your first question could be your story and simply asking “I need help I am lost at what to do in the courts”…you will get a lot of support and guidance. Plus you can post your story that you typed here by using cut & paste on to those Facebook pages.
On One Moms Battle.com you can go to the TOP of the page and click on “Resources Attorneys (maybe it says lawyers not sure) and find a list of lawyers in your city that understand narcissist abuse if you do not see a lawyer listed in your city name then go to the Facebook page and ask via the message button if they can post a request for lawyer in your city. Everyone does this. This is where you can also ask how to get the court to do a “mental evaluation” on your soon to be ex. I would highly recommend that you by the first book from Tina Swiften (sp??) One moms battle and give it to your lawyer asap. Have her read it on her own time not on your dime.
That site will be extremely valuable as you navigate the court system. The site creator has been exactly where you are now and this is why she started her website, wrote two books and started her Facebook page.
It’s a truly blessing when you know that you are not alone any more…so glad you reached out with your story not easy to do but one of the best things you have ever done & will help you tremendously in your healing journey!! 🙂 Welcome to the Lovefraud Family!
Jan7,no worries at all about thinking I was still in Africa. Lol. I’m glad I’m not. Otherwise I’d still be stuck in the rut because of cultural influence.
You are so right. Birds of the same feather flock together. I never realized the depth of that old adage before.
Ha. The day I hand my lawyer a book and tell her to study, is the day I’d have purchased the last nail.
I’m reading right now,lots of stories from one mom’s battle. *stories of my life* another woman says all the times that she’d called the police, they never wrote reports of the incidents. That’s unlikely. Her exN hacked into the police database and deleted them, as did mine. They are computer geeks.
Hi guys
Is there someone here who knows how to stop my soon to be ex,from controlling our minds. I mean this in its trust sense. Sometimes my daughter and I start talking involuntary content. At the back of our minds,( we have repeatedly agreed )it’s like we’re driven by a force to say things we are not intending to say. fear overwhelms us during that time, followed by crying. This usually happens when giving testimony before an authority that has a voice in our divorce / custody.
Please guys. I’m sure someone here knows how his cult does this, and can give me the antidote. Not only has he stolen from us in all ways that count, now he’s using us to build a winning case for him, on false grounds like saying he’s such a good person and should be given 50-50% custody.
Why is he fighting for 50-50? I’m worried that if she sleeps at his place, they’ll just do things to her overnight, and she’ll turn into an abuser like her dad. *God forbid*
Please help me. Somebody. Please.
*truest sense*