Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
sorry to jump in off topic, but just wanted to get some thoughts about this: Yesterday I ran into the sociopath who lied to be about HIV. we were at a public event…we saw each other, but I was with my friends, he with his new ‘friend’…..my and my friends left after a while, and he and his friend where standing a good ways away from us. As we are wallking to the parking lot, my friend had to stop to user the restroom…and I happen to catch out of the corner of my eye- the S walking RIGHT behind me, in a fast manner even. I just kept walking to the car, and I could hear his steps getting closer. I thought maybe he was going to approach me. By the time we got to the car, he had turned and went another way. It was just plain WEIRD. This guy lied to me about HIV, and then denied it and laughed in my face. What the hell would he want to walk so closely behing me like that?? What do you think? Just to play mind games with me?
Dodged-
Of course, it’s all games your life, anyones life….and he played with you once…why not again, at it’s fun. It’s all about reaction. My psycho just yesterday made a point of getting close, in my sight line within hearing range, close….I see no one else that regularly in my face, but psycho. It’s to f–k with me, your psycho was f—king with you too.
No contact drives them mad, no reaction- I know it does mine. He has nothing but contempt for me, so why not avoid me, like I avoid him? Why because they feed off of attention and can’t imagine fools like us see through their act. Once you break their mask, and discard them, then they get annoyed.
I’d act as normal as you possibly can, while avoiding him as much as reasonable.
They get off on trying to scare you. It’s typical. If they can’t have your love, your fear is just as good.
ps
Dodged as I recall this guy left town for awhile- probably b/c he could have been charged with attempted murder re: spreading of HIV. Probably afraid of getting arrested.
Why not go to Public Health agency anonymously and report him. He’s deadly.
Dear Dodged_A_Bullet: He was miffed that you and your friends ignored him at that event. You were suppose to be jealous, giving him the eye, starring at him, going over to him starting a scene. They love the attention. Because you didn’t do it … he was propelled to follow you … which was his way of insisting you turn around and acknowledge him. I witnessed at my EX’s mom’s funeral … his ex-wife and 2 children totally ignoring their dad. At the time, I was still in the dark and thought it was the two of them (prior spouses) ignoring each other. My EX actually stood in the middle of the after gathering hall … after his mom’s funeral and needed his family to acknowledge him. Of course, they never budged … it was months later that I was hit between the eyes of what he truly was … whatever anti-social personality you want to call him … definitely a “N”. I remember my first thoughts after gathering my faculties was “he can’t love” … that is the saddest of anything you can imagine … What an existence? Not being able to love and appreciate the rest of God’s creations down on Earth.
I don’t know how much of the family dynamics had to due with him turning out the way he is … because his parents were elderly by the time I dated him … aka mellowing out … not allowing me to see them in their prime. Both his parents seemed to be nice, normal parents … I’m assuming it was my EX’s own ego doing him in since he was a kid … jealous over his younger siblings taking mom and dad’s time away from him, him, him. Therefore, his ego took off and he didn’t learn the lessons from a “humble” perspective … wisdom learned as you do the work up front, reap rewards and all the lessons taught along the way. I believe only a few anti-socials were physically and/or mentally abused by their care-takers .. the rest, are just spoiled brats always wanting their own selfish ways. I believe if a child stays humble while listening to reprimands for their own safety and growth, they can hear and do what is required. If a child’s ego takes off … they don’t listen, do not care, do what they want … and that begins their creating their own anti-social personalities. I feel this from my heart of hearts and would like the mental health professionals to look further into this. I write this because my two sisters are from the same loving family as I and both of them live in their big egos all their lives … and yes, they were two of the many that loved blaming my EX on me and pouring salt into the wounds. Compassionate people? I think NOT. Be there for me when I’m down and out – yes … it’s a family obligation we all have towards everyone in the family.
I notice who had compassion and worked with me with kidd gloves … versa the “just get over it” attitude of the non compassionate folks that I know. And, there you go … either you are compassionate or you’re not.
One more thing … I remember asking my middle sister (after years of her critizing me for both my EX and my boss fiasco behaviors) saying to me all the time … “what did you do to them to react this way to you, none of us have ever had this problem”. I finally told her the reason I knew what my bosses and their cronies were all about … they were cut from the same selfish cloth as she! Call a spade a spade. She asked for it and I finally told her the truth. She hasn’t spoken to me for months. All the years from childhood she made me cry … now I know why. And, my parents never abused her. Never. She’s miffed because I was born … almost a year after her. I bumped her out of the “youngest” position and her ego got bruised and never got over it. I told her that too a few months back … “get over the fact that I was born” will ya?
Ego, it’s all about their big egos and their immature notions of what ruffled their feathers as children … for most of them.
Peace everyone … I’m doing my breathing exercises now … LOL.
Oh, hold your heads up high … you did nothing to deserve any of this except to be a loving and kind person … considerate, gentle … and all the other virtues of God … how he wants us to treat others … the anti-socials know this … that’s why they chose you and not your family members or your best friends … they can see your decency and were hoping it would rub off on them. When it didn’t … they got frustrated and moved on down the road to try and get “it” from someone else … not knowing they have to slow down, do the righteous steps … to get what we’ve acquired.
My EX has written me e-mails under disguise of phony IDs for a year or so. I can always tell it’s him when I run any truth by him … he totally ignores what I wrote. No reaction at all. So, I’ll write a few more times … back and forth then tell him to knock it off that I know it’s him … daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. They always need to be center of attention. Always. My question is why didn’t they go into the “acting” business. I’m sure H-wood would accept them all with open arms. Oh, I keep forgetting … the world is their stage.
I’m doing my breathing now.
Peace.
Dodged_a_bullet, I think it was just to “get your notice”—-and I concur, if you have not reported him to the authorities, you should. Most states now will prosecute HIV+ people who are not upfront with their sexual partners.
Donna, I agree with you, it is totally “IMPOSSIBLE” to get people to listen to you when you are in the “victim” role. The thing is once you are in the “victor” role it is much easier.
I think for no other reason than you can talk about it more rationally and logically and in a “sane” tone of voice. LOL Bck in the “insane” days of my first finding out that the Trojan HOrse P was a sexual predator and a friend of my P son’s about the ONLY person who believed me was the sheriff of our county, but when he ran the rap sheet he was “impressed” by hard evidence. Even people who had known me my ENTIRE life just “blew me off” as “hysterical” or “nuts.” Truth be told though, I guess I SOUNDED nuts. “there’s no fanatic like a convert” and I had been “converted” to realize this man was a monster and had hold of my family by the throat, I WAS hysterical.
I got to the point that I felt like I was looking at a building going up in flames and when I said “Help, Fire!” everyone else looked at it and said, “What, are you crazy? We don’t see any flames”—then, when it burned to the ground and they COULD see the scortched remains they said “Well why didn’t you DO SOMETHING? It’s your fault it is burned!” LOL “Did you set the fire?”
Now that things are “calmed down” and I am “rational” again, or at least RATIONAL NOW (LOL) people are believing me. I am having success in “educating” friends and family members about the devestation of the Ps, and what they are capable of, how to see red flags and recognize them for what they are. MOST IMPORTANT TO ME, though, is that my two sons C and D are “getting it”—and recognizing not only Ps but other dysfunctional behavioral patterns such as enabling, and manipulation, learning to set boundaries and stick to them. They are learning from hard experience like I did, but also from reading here at LF (son C) and from discussing these things with me. In addition, my son D used information about Ps in some of his programs this summer in working with other staff members at the BSA camp he works at, and with his friends as well. So the information that we “bought” at such great cost, the education about Ps, is being passed on to others.
The proliferation of Internet sites for victims continues, because people who have been victims WANT to get this information out there to people who have been wounded, but also to others who need that information to KEEP FROM being wounded, so the information is spreading, just like information about various kinds of cancer is being spread, so that people can detect it EARLY while there hasn’t been as much damage done.
I believe that the “how to recognize the signs of a P” is just as important as “doing your cancer check ups” regularly! It could save your LIFE and YOUR SANITY.
I’m just going to just relate my own experience with telling children about sociopath parents. I know it is against every rule, every guideline, BUT…
After my ex revealed himself, I shared some of what I was learning about psychopathy/sociopathy with the three youngest children. We grieved together, and they asked questions that I did my best to answer in a factual way. They were still in the home at the time, and all were devastated. Since the ex had a history of abandoning children completely, I didn’t expect him to remain in any of their lives.
However, after a few years, the ex conned my youngest, his natural child, into living with him. Promised the usual pie in the sky, as they all do. It was all my talking about sociopathy that, I believe, saved this child from his deadly grasp.
She remembered what I told her, observed his behavior and made her own decisions. And she got out before he could corrupt her completely, or cause her physical harm. So I am glad I talked about it, even when I was in the “victim” phase. Every word counts.
Another happy result: my oldest told me this past weekend that a recent love interest had been kicked to the curb. Seems she found out he lied, and about something big. So she got rid of him. She too learned that nothing is worth making excuses for a liar.
Dear Tood,
Good For you !!!!!!!!
FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED!!!
My P-bio father turned up when I was a teenager and “conned” me too, promising me adventure and excitement, he was at that time a well known film maker about wild animals, had airplanes and traveled all over the world. What kid wouldn’t want to go on safari!!! I went, worked for him for two years and got a REAL EDUCATUION in EVIL. It wounded me but didn’t make me “understand” what kind of “freight train” had borne down upon me, and mashed my soul. I eventually more or less recovered, but it was only after I realized what was going on, what kind of EVIL had hit me that I was able to truly completely heal from that horrible experience more than 40 years ago. To forgive him (get the bitterness out of my heart toward what he did) and to forgive myself (for falling for it all and not leaving when the pain started).
Yep, for some reason they seem to frequently go back to a child they abandoned in the early years and try to reestablish contact and use them for NS. I’m not sure why, it sure isn’t “love” for the child, probably more or less “ownership” of some kind. Let the other parent raise the child (for better or worse) then they pick up there for NS never having “been there” during the child’s raising. I think it is natural curosity for a child to want to get to know their “birth parents” but when the birth parent is a P, it isn’t going to be a good encounter I can tell you that from experience—PAINFUL experience. I did get some wonderful adventures out of the deal, and made some friends that were life time friends, and also met my late husband, so there was some GOOOD came out of the encounter, but also plenty of painful things as well, years of pain I didn’t truly understand.
Now, looking back, I can see both sides of that “cloud” and I am grateful for the knowledge now that the worst of the confusion and the pain is gone. I think the CONFUSION about WHY and WHAT we are dealing with is part of the worst of it. By recognizing WHAT we have been dealing with and WHO and WHAT they are, we can come to resolution and acceptence. Just like if we felt a pain in our foot, and didn’t know “what bit us”—a snake, a spider, what? Once we know what bit us, we know what to do for the wound. That not knowing I think was part of the most painful thing to me.
KNOWLEDGE=POWER TO HEAL
OXD-
Not my fav Sunday evening program?????
Mutual of Omaha “Wild Kingdom.”