Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
Heart to Heart said: “Woo hoo, I hit the jackpot!” ……
My ex P literally said those words, minus the woo hoo part. He said he felt like he hit the jackpot when he met me. Yeah, I guess. I was recently divorced (just weeks when we met)and just got half the equity out of my former house. I thought he meant hit the jackpot in LOVE. Silly me. 🙁
OMG! My ex P said the same words, too, minus the woo hoo!!! I don’t know if this will be helpful to those you who still feel they miss their Ps but I’ll tell you what jerked me right out of the grief. I still have some anger and sometimes downright rage but I sure don’t have an ounce of grief or love left for the man!
Through lovefraud, a family counselor and my own endless research–I learned all about personality disorders–narcissists, Ps/Ss/, sex addicts, histrionic, etc. As soon as I was convinced that my ex was indeed a P, I realized that there was absolutely nothing to miss! It’s hard to grieve or miss something that wasn’t real. I’ve often joked and said that I miss Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny more than I miss him! First, you have to accept that the relationship that you had with this person was not REAL and that the person is NOT REAL. Yes, they do learn lines from TV and songs. They create a fairytale romance for us and we all know that fairytales aren’t real.
Just a few months ago, my ex Ps new gf had a headliner on her myspace page that something about love sending her a fairytale! I thought to myself, you poor, poor girl. She just doesn’t realize how very true that little headliner is for her.
I’m curious…my ex P is a drummer, plays with a local band, and a not-so-good songwriter. He lived and breathed music and reality TV. Do you think they purposely involve themselves so deeply in songs and movies for the very purpose of educating themselves? My son is also a musician/songwriter. My son has absolutely NO interest in being on stage and in the spotlight although he is VERY talented. He writes some pretty awesome songs about everything from love to politics. His lyrics are deep and intense–makes one really stop and think about things.
My ex P loved being in the spotlight and often complained that he should have been a guitarist instead of a drummer so that HE could be out front! He also wrote songs with lyrics almost on the juvenile level–one even had some line in it about “finding a girl and taking her home and giving her a bone”. Of course, referencing sex! I was SO embarassed when he’d perform that song in public. He was a 40 year old man. Looking back, I honestly think that’s song told a lot about him! And, everyone HATED the song–even the melody was obnoxious to the ear!
I might also add that my ex P was extremely jealous of my son’s talents. He was NOT his father and was 14 years older than my son. It ate him alive if we had a family night out of karoake and the crowd responded greater to my son’s singing than to his own. CRAZY! He’d want to leave immediately. It hurt my son’s feelings.
Tami,
My friend has a son who is a P, and he fancies himself a “talent” and that he is going to be a “rock and roll star” and he hooks up with girls who support him because when the time comes and he IS a “rock star” they are going to be living high! LOL Yea, right!!!! He has NO talent and if he did, he would still blow it as he is too flighty and is also bi-polar so can’t “keep it together” long enough to succeed at ANYTHING.
But, boy does he love to be “center stage” even if the audience is only one person telling him how wonderful he is. LOL
Years ago when his step father worked for my husband, he would show up out here and frequently steal small things from around here. Once he was caught stealing a pack of cigarettes that he could have had if he had asked for them, and my husband confronted him, and he admitted taking them, and my husband told him to get off of our place and NEVER COME BACK. He was totally amazed that he was “banned” from here because he stole a pack of cigarettes. My husband told him that “It isn’t what you stole that is the problem, it is that YOU ARE A THIEF that is the problem, now get gone and don’t ever come back.”
After my husband died, one evening I came home and he was sitting with some of his friends in a car out in front of the aircraft hangar. I got out, when I recognized him, and told him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS TO GET GONE and his response was “Why? What’d I ever do to YOU?” I told him that he “was a THIEF” and that he should get gone and stay gone, that my husband had banned him, and I did too, and that if I saw him here again I would call the police and hold him at gun point til they got there.
His biological father(not the step father) was a bi-polar psychopath as well. Yep, they love the spotlight!
OxDrover:
Your friend’s son sounds exactly like not only my ex P, but his mother and his brother, as well. I think I’ve mentioned this on here before but another thing that presented a red flag to me with my ex and his mother is that they talk “baby talk” to each other. Also, both of them tend to revert to baby talk during conversations with other people at times. It’s sort of a whiny, too sweet voice that they turn on. It’s strange enough to hear that coming from a woman that is nearly 60 years old, and certainly not something that I’ve ever witnessed in any other 40 year old man! If my ex P made or received a phone call, I could tell exactly whether it was a male or female on the other end. He’d talk in a really deep voice and greet the men with a “howdy”. If it was a woman, any woman–even my own mother–he’d take on that extra sweet, babyish personna. Sort of like one might communicate with a very young child! It was weird! Or, maybe a lot of people do that. Personally, I talk to everyone the same unless it IS a very young child! I never quite understood his thinking behind that.
Tami,
OMG, my ex did this! He would affect a babyish, stuffed-up-nose voice when he called his mother. He had a whole repertoire of voices–the super-low, seductive macho man, the aforementioned “widdle boy;” the top-volume, forceful intimidator; the sickly sweet, soft-spoken sincere “feelings” guy; the faux cowboy just-one-of-the-guys; and his piece de resistance, the invalid, in pain so severe he could barely speak. He could switch between them in a moment, and in fact, did just that, right in front of me, toward the end.
It made me sick to watch and listen to him as he conned people. After so many years, and the slow slide into accepting behavior from him that I would never have accepted when I was my “real self,” I had deluded myself into thinking that “I know he lies to everyone, but he would never lie to ME.” Ha!
I am so happy to be out of his world of lies and craziness.
yup, lots of voices. and i could tell if it was a female just by the look on his face. his eyes would narrow and he would get a seductive look on his face. when it was a friend, he was ‘whassup, dude!’ ewwww… i hate him so much still.
what a fraud. what a liar. what a whore.
he actually would tell me when i would call him a liar, ”i don’t need to lie to you!”
yea, right. that’s all he ever does.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……..
Tami,
I just remembered something today while reading your Sept. 13th comment about sex and the ex. When we began dating seriously, my ex-N said, “Promise me you will have sex with me even if you are mad at me”. I remember thinking what an insane request that was. I think I avoided answering it because I wasn’t about to promise that. But, of course, I didn’t want to say that to him. Today I can’t beleive the comment didn’t set off deafening bells and whistles then, but I didn’t know then what I know now and I guess. Strange how similar these sick people can be.
Mine asked me if I would still have sex with him if he was married!!!!!!!
kat_o_nine_tales: Did you tell him that his right hand is still working and operational? LOL
Peace.
Tood and others:
Well glory be! You JUST hit the nail on the head! It’s all SO clear to me now about the voices!!!! Of course, he talked like a baby to his mother because that’s what he knew she wanted him to always be–her baby! She’s a bit whacky herself. My son is grown and in a sense will always be my baby but if he started talking baby talk to me, I’d seek help for him immediately!!!!
Looking back, I realized early in the marriage that there was a little something wrong with my ex when it came to sex. My promises of never rejecting him sexually meant much more to him than any promise of unconditional love. Even when we were engaged in the act, he’d stop right in the middle of things and nearly shout to me “everyday, baby, tell me I can have you everyday!” And, it was every day all day long! I spent 8 years without a moment’s rest from his constant groping and sexual advances. I couldn’t even stand at the stove and cook a meal without him groping and pulling and tugging at me! When I’d tell him to stop, he’d tell me that he couldn’t help it if he wanted me all the time and then he’d asked me if I was having an affair!!!! When, I’d say absolutely not, he’d then tell me that he didn’t feel that I found him “attractive” anymore. Attractive? Do men say these things?
I once found a letter that his ex had written to her mother and never mailed. It had somehow gotten mixed up with his things. I opened it and read it. She was cofiding to her mother that she didn’t know what was wrong with her and felt as though she might be having a nervous breakdown. She said she knew she couldn’t do this because then that wouldn’t be “all about Mike”. She also told her mother that she couldn’t stand for him to even touch her anymore. At the time, I thought these were just horrible things for her to say about my “perfect” man. It wasn’t long until I could have quoted her very same words and then some! It didn’t matter how much he whined around telling me how beautiful I was, it became so clear to me that he saw me as an object! I hated that feeling!