Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
OMG! I felt the same way. I felt like I was being gropped all of the time. It got to the point that I hated getting dressed in front of him. I did reject his sexual advances alot and he would get mad at me. If I remember right, he even threw a remote control across the room and made a hole that he never repaired. By the end of the day, I was exhausted–he was sucking the dear life out of me. I am a very sexual being and me turning down sex like I did was unlike me. I always thought that I would never have a sex problem in a relationship–it was not a problem for me, but when I was with him it was. I actually thought I had something wrong with me, because I didn’t have much of a sex drive. When we found out I was pregnant I was quite in shock and stunned. He was quite excited about it. He even said something like it validated him as a man. However, I do have to say that when we did have sex I wondered why we didn’t have it more often…
When we first got together within the first 6 months he would call me at work to complain I wasn’t spending enough time with him; he would call me 5 times a day, even when I told him to stop. I really thought it was me being cold and very independent. He would turn it on me and say what guy complains that the gf doesn’t spend enough time with him? Apparantly, there must be something wrong with me? Now I know differently. I remember this clearly–he even complained that I didn’t make a point to spend time with him when he got home from work at about 2am, when I had to work in the morning. One time I woke up before he got home to make him something to eat in response to his complaint and I still had to get up in the morning for work–how stupid was I?
He was extremely high maintenance and I told him that I was not a high maintainer. I am not high maintenance at all and obviously have a high tolerance for BS, because I stuck around as long as I did.
I haven’t thought of these things in a long time and I so glad this topic came up for me to write the words down.
Sometimes I can’t believe that I didn’t do anything with the red flags. I was talking to someone about my ex getting married and he said she will figure it out–when did you know (you were making a mistake)? I said before the wedding, but I still went through with it…
(((HUGS))) Ginger
Ginger:
You just helped me remember some more things. My ex called me every hour when I was at work. He acted deeply offended if I couldn’t talk to him. At first, I thought it was SO sweet but later, it just about drove me nuts! The woman he left me for said that he called her every hour, too. She still thinks it’s perfectly normal. She told me that’s how she knows that he’s not cheating on her! They work nearly 100 miles apart from each other as he and I did. She needs to wake up. I suspect that some of his calls to me were to ensure that I was at work so that he felt more comfortable about not being caught with other women.
There were several clues that pointed toward his cheating. He once called his brother’s wife and tried to get her to have sex with him. He said that she lied but I knew that she hadn’t. It really upset her and she told me that I didn’t know him. She said that he’d always been a player. When I confronted him about the incident, he told me that he just “liked a lot of attention”. That was his excuse for everything! It didn’t matter that I had to work extra hard to support us because he wouldn’t hold down a steady job and that I was tired and not up to flattering him every second of the day! He refused to acknowledge the stress his being irresponsible put on me. All he cared about was whether I was paying attention to him. Then, he’d use it as the excuse for his actions. He’s even told the new gf that if he doesn’t get enough attention at home, he will seek it elsewhere. What kind of fool is she? I’ve warned her and actually so has he! She knew me before they started having the affair and I considered her to be a friend. She says she knows that I’m not lying to her because other people have told her things as well but she says that she wants to give him a chance to change because he has asked her to! What else could he do?
His brother called me last night. I haven’t heard from anyone in that family in nearly a year. He said that he just wanted to check on me to see how I’m doing. He’s a pretty good boy although he has his own issues with a drug problem. My ex has hurt him many times by sleeping with his girlfriends and then even attempting to sleep with his wife. He says he knows what it’s like to be hurt by him and that he’s been hurting him ever since they were kids. My ex is 5 years older than him. He told me that the last time he saw his brother that he was very cold and indifferent towards him. Said he assumed that he and his GF were fighting as usual. She’s a bit of a rounder herself. She is very young and likes to make him jealous by flirting with other men. A dangerous immature game that some people play. I witnessed her doing this with her own husband and then later with mine–I just didn’t realize they were having an affair at the time but I did wonder why my ex would suddenly become outraged! I knew it wasn’t becaue of me and he was usually all smiles. Maybe he’s met his match!
I finally stopped denying that he was cheating on me and found all of his cell phone bills for about a year. Since he worked nights I found that he would call his gf over and over again in the middle of the night. 3:45am, 3:47am, 3:48am, 3:52am. I guess she wasn’t waking up for him and he wanted to be heard or seen, eventually! There were different phone numbers, same numbers. Unbelieveable!
I was writing in my journal the other day and realized how much my emotions have been unfolding–it is almost like pealing the layers off of an onion.
*I stopped denying his cheating
*Realized that I couldn’t take his responsibility for his baggage
*Realized his need for chaos (and was able to predict to some degree that something was going to happen in his life)
*Diagnosed with PTSD and ex was determined to be S
*Only contact is via text messaging and email regarding the kids
With my counselor I realized that after my mom died he was a tremendous comfort for me and we were building a positive relationship for the kids. At that time his motive was to determine if I had more money than his fiancee (who I didn’t even know existed). He even asked me for 10,000.00 for a business venture. I said no; maybe she said yes? My counselor feels that he was waiting to see if my mom left money to me in her will–which she did not.
Now, he is onto his next victim who is paying for HIS house renovations and work equipment/vehicle since he doesn’t have a job. She is taking responsibility for his baggage. What a “catch” he is?
In as much pain as I am in right now, I am so glad to be out of the mess of a relationship with him–that ride is over!
-Ginger
Ginger, i remember when every day i would come over to my x’s house. i had to play inspecter gagdet. checking things out, seeing what was out of the normal. seeing if it looked like someone had been there. one day when i came over i found some of my stuff i left out was put away in a laundry basket off of the floor. at that moment i just started crying my eyes out bc i couldt take it anymore. it was taking over my life. it was sucking the soul out of me. i couldt take the untrust anymore. the questions of i dont really know this person at all. i have to end it.
iam so glad its over! i can live again
Dear Ginger, I know any words I say right now isn’t going to help … but, at least you aren’t as confused as he. You can function on your own. He can’t. You can do on your own. He can’t. You can be honest and faithful. He can’t. Why? Because he’s insecure and not a whole, functioning adult. He is a child in a man’s body. Know that he is a child and pray to God that he makes his way back to God. God will take it from there.
In the mean time, pray to God to help you heal. He will not forsake you. God loves you and wants the best for you, as he does for the rest of us.
Put your faith in God and God will make you stronger and better than you were before this happened to you.
Right now, pamper yourself. Be good to yourself. Focus on what you want to do with your life. Who you are again. What you want. Focus on positive things that make you happy. If you don’t remember … look into new things that you’ve never done before. Whether you like them or not is not the point … it’s the point of learning new things again in your life. You never know what’s ahead for you down the road … but at least you are putting your foot in the right direction … forward.
Peace to your heart and soul as you go through your healing.
Ginger you sound like a smart and brave woman who knows how to face facts. Stick around and stay strong.
Blondie.. hugs to you. I remember that feeling so well. I stopped going to his house a long time before I broke up with him because there was always some little pieces of evidence lying around… and him teaching his daughter to lie about it.. horrible.
I am so glad I found this website. Everyone here knows what I am going through, which is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. The hardest day in my life was burying my mother. I believe she is really looking out for me, because he lost his job for his misdeeds and I am recovering from a S that I didn’t know that he was until a few months ago. Thanks, Mom.
Kat–Thanks so much for the nice words. I was in a fog for so long, that facing the facts is what I need to do to understand my world and his. Why is his world important? I am not sure. Am I looking for validation of him being a S?
I have realized that I haven’t accepted the fact that he is getting married. Everytime I hear something about it, I think, I can’t believe they are going through with it! Is it because he is really the only relationship I can remember? I have it in my mind that it was real? Perhaps, when I meet a mentally well man I will no longer look to a sick man to cure my loneliness? I need to slug forward to find self esteem and worthiness, apparently.
While he was already engaged, and I didn’t know about it, or about her nor did anyone else, he said that before each of us gets married we should be together one more time. I said no. I go back in time and think about those things that he said to me and now know why he said these things to me.
Blondie–I never looked for evidence but did find a barett in his truck. Boy, was I stupid to not have kicked him out then! I don’t think he gave me an explanation. Who wants to keep living a a state of fear of what you are going to find?
-Ginger
Ginger did you notice that the women they marry after we separate are in a hurry to get them to marry? Or is it vice versa as an approval situation … look everyone, it’s not me, it’s her? I was engaged for 8 years … and never pushed marriage … plus, I was going through the roller coaster ride with the likes of my bosses and their groupies (I mean cronies). Couldn’t fathom during that time to marry and gather family and friends for the planning of a happy event when I was dealing with a crisis setting they forced into my space.
Peace.
Did anyone think that any of the other bloggers on here might have dated the same partner? There could be many of us talking about the same person … and don’t know this fact … because they change personalities like they do states … and tell different stories about their childhoods and business affiliations to everyone.
Just a thought.
Wini,
His fiancee did admit that things were going faster than she normally does. I did the same thing–we moved in with each other pretty quickly, which was against my nature. I always thought he was very hasty. When we were together I knew I was in a fog and knew I had to hold on tight to muddle through all of his chaos. I just let him do what he wanted and I held on for dear life. I don’t know much about her, but think she is more in love with the idea of getting married than admitting who he really is; she may be lonely and needing the attention, like I did. I can’t imagine the S is not bleeding through his mask yet, after 9 months. I try to put myself in her shoes and think about 9 months into my relationship with him and see if I see the red flags now–yep, they sure are there. God, why didn’t I say Uncle then?
When we met he was very attentive, caring and I thought wanted to be with me. I was starving for affection and I was lonely. I was the perfect victim. He gave me what I needed, at first. Red flags came up and I just thought life was just hard and we would get through it. Now, I don’t believe that it should be that hard, especially when the difficulty was not from me–the difficult situations/problems always came from him.
I am reading a book about families and like it or not she will be my kids stepmom. Actually, I would rather talk to her rather than him. Since I am having a hard time accepting their getting married, this is a very difficult thing to accept her as my kids stepmom.
Sigh….-Ginger