Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
Henry: My EX had to buy a pecan tree … planted it in my front yard. When I realized what he truly was (a taker) I wanted to chop down the tree, but I didn’t.
Today, I’m glad that I didn’t do that … the squirrels love the nuts that come out in the Fall. And I love animals.
The other things he left behind, all his clothes etc., shoes left in the closet to make it look like he was coming back home after his business trip (monkey business). He lost so much weight when he came home for his mom’s funeral. When I figured out that the clothes he left to make it look like he was returning, were in reality, too big for his frame due to his new lost weight. Besides, the money he stole from me and his investors (pretending to get his business up and running … aka we were his business, stealing money from others) … were purchases of new clothes for him. Greedy is what greedy does.
Peace.
Wini: Thank you for your last post. It really made me feel better. I spent all of today riding that rollercoaster of emotions. This morning I woke up feeling empty and anxious. Then I was extremely angry and feeling vengeful. And then I was just down right depressed and cried my eyes out. Now I am feeling okay.
I pretty much stayed in bed all day, only getting up to use the bathroom and to drink some Ensure. Oh I forgot, I did clean my pet bird’s cage. Even in my depression, I was still able to take care of him.
Well, I was supposed to start work tomorrow but I am still not ready, especially after finding out some news about my ex-P. It set me back quite a bit. So I’m trying to pick myself up again.
Thank you for all your continued support. Peace and love to all on LF.
It’s late. I forgot to finish what I wanted to write.
As I go through my EXs things … I run into people who could use them.
A beautiful double breasted blazer was given to a Vietnam Vet whose dying of lung cancer. He said “this is the jacket I want put on me in my coffin”. Other pants and blazers I’ve given this same Vet whose eyes lit up like it was Christmas because due to his illness he hasn’t been able to work in years, and of course, not purchase anything new.
Other things of my EXs I give to others that need them.
How do I feel about my giving greedy Xs things away to people who could use them. I feel GREAT.
The photo albums and slides of his ex-wife, his children, his siblings and his mom and dad … I will be giving back to his family. That’s if these idiots every come around to think about contacting me. I was going to contact them … but that’s too easy and I’m still on the fence about them. Not his ex-wife and children. His EX gained too much weight to make me think she knew about the real him and the motives that fuel him … the blaming herself weight gain makes me believe she’s innocent of his dirty deeds.
Peace.
Dear heartoheart: I hear you. I’ve been through those down in the dumps days. It’s natural as we figure out they are just playing games with love, respect, decency to get what they want. It’s sad, but true. Keep focusing on who you are again, this day, right now … forget about them … pray that they get closer to God. God will handle it from there … but your prays are needed. They live their lives from their own big egos … what’s right and wrong instead of following the path of life that God wants for us … his rules, not man made rules.
Peace, you’ll get through this and be better and stronger than you were before. God puts idiots in our path to show us that we can grow, stretch and spread our wings to soar.
I like music, music helped me through a lot of tough times when I was crying and missing my EX. I’d put on all types of music … what was fun was listening to stuff from the 60s … bringing me back to memories of my childhood … before relationships … only family/friends and fun back in those days. To relive it through music brought a smile to my face. Step by step, you’ll get there too. Right now pamper yourself. Hey, if you don’t, no one else will do it. LOL
Wini,
You’re so right. The very worst part is now after the fact he hangs out at my reptile site and more frequently at a sister site that I stay away from (because of him). He is very well-liked and has many friends there–all people I am friendly with too. Everybody just thinks he’s the greatest. After all, he fought in the Iraqi war, and who could hate a vet? It really hurts that he has completely discarded me but continues to hang out on that site and charm the unsuspecting members. And yet I cannot warn them without appearing to be a drama queen. Here I am left with all this emotion, while he ends up smelling like a rose–as if he and I were just an item, and it didn’t work out–not that he lied to me about his marital status, lied to his wife, and lied to the army!!! No only else on the site knows the facts, and I will never be able to tell them.
I just can’t get over his immense ability to charm people! He is so laid back and sweet–everyone loves him!
P.S. I listened to music a lot during the acute phase of grieving. Sadly, I can no longer listen to my favorite Cold Play album because it reminds me too much of him.
What is wrong with me? It was only a 2-1/2 month relationships. We’ve have not spoken for almost 3 months. Why is this still so hard?
stargazer: more commonality. i can’t listen to hip hop OR r&b music anymore. at all. it makes me feel ill. but if that’s the price we have to pay for peace of mind, so be it. i will do anything i have to not to be reminded of his sick self and who he was (or wasn’t!). like yours, my ex-s/p/n is the most physically beautiful creature out there, and everyone is charmed by him no matter where he goes. every guy wants to be like him and every female wants to be with him. little do they know. i’m starting not to care what anybody thinks of him, because i know they’re all duped. i (WE!) know the truth and that’s why they hate us so much. can you imagine what would happen to them if everyone knew who they really are (or aren’t!)? they would literally cease to exist. sounds good, right?
none of his ‘laid back and sweet’ is real. it’s all fake. fake. fake. fake. it’s hard because we still believe that a part of the beauty of them was real, and we want that back. it’s hard because as normal human beings we can’t wrap our brains or our emotions aound the truth of them — because that truth is so incredibly warped. what they do is astonishing. i’m still trying to figure out why he hates me! we’re all trying to figure out something, but there is nothing to figure out because there is no truth to it!
it just goes around and around and around in circles. and so do we. so, let’s all get off the freakin’ merry-go-round and heal together. we are the normal ones. we are the spiritied souls.
we did nothing wrong but react normally to an incredibly abnormal situation. we are strong. we can do this.
TOWANDA!!!
Normally, I feel so much stronger. I think I have internalized a lot today this week.
Not only dealing with him, but also a narssistic massage client that I’ve spoken of in the past. Fortunately, I just have one prepaid session left with her and I will be narcissist/sociopath-free!
I cannot really afford counseling or medications, but I’m thinking I may need to try to figure something out for times when I’m like this.
Stargazer: It’s natural for a person who can love to expect others to be able to love as well. You’re reaction is due to the realization that something as wrong and you are beating yourself up because you didn’t deserve it … how you were treated, how you were blamed, how he just left you high and dry without any warnings.
We’ve all been through what you are going through. They are to say the least, confusing individuals with the loving you one minute and the duality of hating you at the same time. Except when their hatred started towards us was never discussed, only used as a reason to leave. Never do they realize (too painful for them to do so) that they have the problem, not us. So, they continue down the road of their lives jumping from one relationship to the next … loving and loathing at the same time. They don’t realize, no human is perfect. Not even them. I’m coming to believe that it is some perfectionist thing going on in their heads and it implodes on them as they age … hence, the merry go round … jumping from one relationship to the other. Can’t look at themselves that they are the problem … fear causing them never having to admit they aren’t perfect … not realizing that no one can be perfect, not even them.
That’s where I’m heading in trying to figure them out. I wrote an e-mail to Dr. Leedom to check into this or point us to something about perfectionist in their site. I’ve only been blogging for a few months and haven’t read everything that’s available.
Peace.
Be good to yourself. Pamper yourself because that’s the fastest way to heal over this type of heart and mind wound.
Wini,
The thing is with my S, I never saw any “hate” from him toward anyone, except in the inconsistent behaviors. He would say he was in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me one day, then stand me up with no phone call the next. This is what broke us up. He never spoke badly toward me or ever blamed anything on me. This is why I sometimes go into denial wonder if he really is a sociopath. It’s hard to put his kind, sweet words together with his actions! It’s just hard to imagine that he hated me. Really what I see now is the indifference from someone who once said I was the most important person in his life. Is indifference the same as hatred? I never saw the hatred.
Most of you who have spent years with a sociopath have seen the angry, abusive side. Had I seen this side even once, I would have run pretty fast. Perhaps I was not with him long enough.
Since I turned him in to the army, a few people have worried about my safety. I’m not too worried because I don’t even think I’m a blip on his radar screen any more, even though I will probably singlehandedly be responsible for getting him kicked out of the army. He continues to post on his website as if life is great. I don’t even think he cares that the army is onto him! He just seems so happy-go-lucky, as if nothing fazes him.
Stargazer: That’s when their family influence comes in to play. My EX’s family were very nice people (so they portrayed to me). Polite, social graces, etc. My EX was the same, perfect gentleman. That’s not what I am saying … they don’t have to lower themselves to the level of hitting, cursing, etc. to hate you. They can be perfect the gentlemen and hate you (anyone). Not all hatred is overtly displayed. I’m talking hatred in the mental sense or physical sense for others who have experienced that behavior because they are parroting their upbringings … we are what we saw in our families… first foundation … then as we grow we absorbed what we want and add it to our original foundation. Same with them … some are gentlemen and if they are females … aka ladies and others are thuggish and whorish?
Anyway, what I am getting at is maybe, just maybe they have this perfectionist thing going on in their minds. It’s impossible for an human to be perfect. They unrealistically striving for perfection is how they lust one minute when they first see us … then love and hate us the next minute when they open their eyes from their lust stage and see the humananity in us. Then they say they love but really hate and despise us and want to move on. Except they don’t let us know when this sets in … so the relationship continues for months/years … and abruptly ends … with no warnings … just they moved on and now they are with the next person that starts their lusting … until they wake from that … see this person as human … and the hate starts them moving on again, and again, and again.
Do you understand where I’m going with this?