Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
LIG: In the end, my x didn’t sleep either. He used to stay in the living room watching tv or play computer games til 5:00 am. Anything to avoid reality and the dirty deeds he was doing. I had a notion he was cheating. Here’s a very funny story. One time he went in the bathroom, flushed and left the house with his son to go to “his boys” house. Well I went in the bathroom next and there, floating on top of the toilet water was a receipt. It did not flush down. I fished it out and put it back together. It was a receipt from Red Lobster. There were 3 meals on it. One his, one a kids meal and a 3rd with an alcoholic beverage. Mind you, he told me “his boy” doesn’t drink. I confronted him and of course he lied. He said he took “his boy” out for being so nice in letting him and his son stay at his house occassionally. I called him a liar. Here is is dropping $100 out with her and not giving me one cent for living expenses. That piece of sh…
After I caught him cheating and he begged to keep the car I bought for him to use, I said, “why don’t you have Tamara buy you a car? (that’s her name.) If she loves you, she will, just like I did! I said, “why don’t you take her out to a couple of Red Lobster dinners and maybe then she’ll buy you a car!”
I also said, “I know! To save you the embarassment of what happened to the car, why don’t you tell her someone stole it? I want tell her what really happened! That you had to give it back because it really wasn’t yours..” HEE HEEE HEE
Iwonder: Great that you live in NJ and they have this law. Where I live the cops just say it’s my word against his … yadda, yadda .. then I have to get nasty with the cops and say “just do your job and arrest him, my signed and notorized statement is my proof that I am accusing him of these things … and let the judges and attorneys do their jobs… mind your business and do your job, that of arresting him. You want to be a judge or an attorney, go to school and graduate and become one. Right now your an officer of the law, do your job.” Road blocks … just others exactly like my EX putting up roadblocks. Daaaaaaaaaaa. All of them have a bug up their butts when it comes to picking up these guys … thinking to themselves, women have been screwing us for years … and secretly enjoying it when we get screwed and tatooed. No clue, this is their personalities (our Exs whether they be male or female with the affliction). So the cops have no clue who hurt them in the past is an anti-social personality … don’t blame it on us.
Anyway, good luck. I hope it all works out for you.
Peace.
Iwonder; they do their dirty work in the most dispicable way possible, don’t they?!
as stunning and successful and wanted as he is, i wouldn’t want to be my ex for one split second. what a LOSER!
they’re all losers. not an ounce of decency.
yuck.
Wini: About the car. Just happened that his credit was crap so when we went to the dealer, the loan was in my name. He was just a co-signer. The car was registered and titled to me, the loan was in my name. It was on my insurance. You should have heard his amazement when I told him he had to give the car back. He said, “you mean it really wasn’t mine??” I said, “that’s right.” He begged to keep it in my name and said he would continue to make the car payments. I said, “are you out of your mind? Do you think I am going to chase you down every month to see if you paid the car payment??” “Do you think I’m a bank??” “THE BANK IS CLOSED!”
Had he made the car payments for the entire 16 months he was supposed to, perhaps I would have swayed his way. But, he didn’t make one payment. He said, “I’ll give you the car back when a judge says I have to.” I told him, “you will lose even if you win, because, if a judge says it is your car, then I will sue you for the $6,000 in payments I made for “your car.” I said, “what about the $6,000??” He said, “well, there’s nothing I can do about that.”
He dropped the car off to me one day after work. The OW waited for him at the curb while he handed me the keys. He was so cold. Like he was showing her, “see, she doesn’t mean anything to me!”
I wonder, will Tamara get him a car? Put his name on the deed to her home?? Silly girl.
LIG: I’m thinking to myself about the times he would say to me, “You’re too tough for me” after a fight. Every fight was caused by him. By him trying to control me and me standing my ground. Maybe he needed to find someone weaker who was easier to control. We had the same fights, over and over again. About him telling me what to wear, who to talk to, where to work. About him telling me it’s in the Bible the man is to dominate the woman. Perhaps this OW lets him get away with it. If so, she’s like playdough by now…molded into who he wants her to be. She probably doesn’t think for herself anymore, just does and says what she is told. . like a good parrot should. I wish I could have some sympathy for her but she wanted my man…she got him.
Iwonder,
The scripture he is “quoting” is a bit out of context, it also says that a man is to “love his wife as himself” and he obviously didn’t go to Sunday school the day they taught the rest of the verse. LOL
Yes, they sure have gall about wanting the things you “helped” them to get, even if you paid for them. LIke they are ENTITLED.
Thanks for the reality check, Iwonder. Now that I think about it, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was seeing a third woman while he was cheating on his wife with me. Is the lack of sleep a commonality with S’s? Mine convinced me his inability to sleep was from the (fake) head injury. He always used to say I am a good woman, and he doesn’t deserve someone like me. That was the only thing he ever said that is true.
IW: mine was a chauvenist pig also. he called me the ‘cavewoman’ because when we argued he said i would stomp around. sure i did! i was just trying to relinquish some of the incredible frustration of him twisting the world like a pretzel. what was real. what wasn’t. lying and then making up a different lie and then another until i believed one of them.
withholding phone calls and affection when it suited him. ‘punishing’ me by purposely not giving me what i wanted or needed.
he used to say, ”i didn’t do it because you wanted me to.” he had no interest in hiding his manipulation and yet, i STILL didn’t get it because he was so good at it that until the bitter end i almost believed what he told me! incredible.
his new OW is gonna be sooooo sorry. he has left a wake of broken hearts, sad children and assorted other disasters and victims. the best part about NC for six weeks now (except one brief infuriating phone conversation) is that there is zero drama in my life now. the peace and quiet is deafening.
Hey LIG: Yeah, he probably had a third fish on the line as a back up. Mine would say, you’re a good woman…but I’m starting to see things about you i don’t like. I would say, like what? No response. He obviously was comparing me with the OW…who was in the honeymoon stage with him. Of course she looked better at the time. I bet now there are things he doesn’t like about her either. He was just jealous. I had a better job, had my act together, paid bills on time, owned a place. Just jealous. He wound up hating the things he initially loved about me. After 6 mos he started complaining about my clothes. I was like, “what?” You didn’t complain when we met. Why all the sudden are you telling me this? He said “because I’m looking at you like a wife now.” I don’t want other men looking at you. Trust me, there was nothing wrong with my clothes. He insisted I wear a jacket at work long enough to entirely cover by butt. Even in 100 degree weather outside. He insisted I button my shirt all the way to the last button under my neck. I felt like I was choking. One time I told him I should just buy a Burqa and wear that everyday. I wasn’t allowed to wear tank tops either. I have a good body but that’s not my fault. I kept telling him, “it’s just a shell” “a piece of flesh.” My body has nothing to do with my soul. I thought you fell in love with my soul. Guess not.