Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
Hi Beverly: Haven’t blogged with you in months. Hope all is well.
Peace.
Henry: That’s because you loved him. It’s natural to miss the people we love. We expect people to respect us and treat us kindly, when they don’t, that’s were the confusion arises. Everything you are going through, the waffling, the anger, the peace, back again, through all the levels of what you are experiencing is normal. Hang in there … you will get through this phase of the horror. Focus on who you are at this minute, where you’ve been in your life, where you are right now, and all your dreams for the future. Pray to God to help you through this ordeal. Pray for peace and serenity to come back into your life. Pray for your EX that he is brought closer to God. Pray that your EX can feel his emotions again. Pray that God brings him closer to him. God will take it from there.
Anytime you waffle and find yourself down in the dumps … pray to God to help you with your depression.
Peace sweety, peace.
Oh,,,,Lostingrief”..Thank you. (re: Monday Sept. 8 @....... 7:51 p.m.)
I have never heard it put with such gut-wrenching clarity. And I needed to hear it so badly today.
The bad people, (the N-Ex and his N-mommy) are still trying to beat me down, even after 5 years of separation and one full year of divorce. I try to stand strong for my children and myself but sometimes it wears me down and that little voice of doubt starts to wonder what I did to them to deserve my sub-human, garbage dump status.
For 15 years I cared, I served, I gave in, I pleased, and in the end, my only crime was saying “no more,” That and sticking up for myself, my children and the truth, asking for half of the house and a few years for the kids and I to live here til I get through nursing school”and every so often holding the Ns accountable for their current actions. I SWEAR”that is all.
I never even did those other things you mentioned. For the last six months of my relationship with my N-ex I worried, had a 6-month long anxiety attack trying to find out who or what he was “doing” and not be discovered doing so and listening to him blatently LIE in marriage counceling. The last month of this I lost a pound a day (I was slender already), and thought I was going to die. In fact, I didn’t say horrible things or any of that other stuff EXCEPT the last week or so”AFTER I found out about the MEN, COUPLES, SWAPPING, LYING etc. and then had it denied, then rationalized, then blamed ON ME!. Like you said, “………i simply could not have believed that he (or anyone on earth!) could be so callous and remorseless. no boundaries, no explanations, no apologies. truly, significantly mindblowing……..”
Then I tried to make it work AGAIN for about 6 months after he moved out!
Now, they try to use my children (8 and 10), People at the kids’ school, neighbors, his new victim/wife (now accomplice), children’s services, and once in a while N-Mommy-dearest-n-law even tries working on my own family. My family “gets it” so no harm can be done there, but knowing they are at work on their malignant poison in the rest of the community day in and day out affects me constantly.
My doubts fester, wondering who’s hearing what and who’s believing what and how much this affects my children. Since those people don’t “get it”, they too must be wondering what horrible things I did or what kind of horrible person I am to rate such hatred.
Often I feel like an alien from Hell wherever I go. My life seems so different from all those other peoples “normal” lives. You try to make conversation about, “normal” things, to be a “normal” person”.but you feel as if you wear a sign on your forehead. “It’s a HELL thing”you wouldn’t understand.” Could one ever describe hell and NOT be looked upon as delusional? The loneliness is crushing. They had me isolated back then in their reality twisted, sick little world. I kept expecting it to change since I “escaped.” However, it occurred to me today, they are still doing it”isolating me and our children with their poison. Or is it me, because I let them do it? When will I be worthy of joining the real world of “normal people” living balanced normal lives?
Perhaps I should make a sign out of your words, hang it on my bathroom mirror and read it aloud to myself everyday like an affirmation.
>>>>>>>>we DID NOT devalue and discard them. we simply were brought to a place regardless of the good times, the hot sex, the intense loving/hating where we knew we had to save ourselves ” a place where we finally GOT that it was not okay to be abused.
WE DIDN’T DEVALUE THEM we simply valued ourselves a teeny tiny bit.
WE DIDN’T DISCARD THEM they brought us to a place of realization that we were close to DEATH.
they brought us with their mind-f#&king and shape-shifting ”“to the place where our very survival was truly ” truly at stake. what we experienced, and accepted, was nothing less than god-given survival instinct.
we did NOTHING to them. we simply SAVED OURSELVES
To, Lostingrief…continued,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for looking it in the face and calling it by it’s right name. Now I just need to put it in my brain, my heart and my soul and keep it there. That is the challenge of the ’Damn’aged.
Perhaps I should have it put on a t-shirt and wear it everyday around those “normal” people too”.to answer all of their silent questions without them having to ask.
I’m sure that I would have the opposite experience when it comes to my ex S wanting my attention. If he were to bump into me, he’d run like a scared rabbit! I witnessed him do this when we were together when he’d THINK he caught a glimpse of one of his exes when we were shopping or in a public place! He was totally PARANOID about running into them. I thought it a bit strange that anyone would go the the lengths that he did to avoid them. He even said that the reason he didn’t have a relationship with his daughter was because he didn’t want to have to see her mother! And, no, he didn’t even try to have a relationship with a son that he had by another woman, either. Yet, he’d tell me how much he wished that he could be a part of his children’s lives and how much it hurt him that he COULDN’T be a father to them. As far as I know, no one was stopping him! I am still convinced that he is a sociopath even though he doesn’t seem to want the attention of any of his past victims! He’s the biggest coward I’ve ever known!
“Am I a sociopath? Why do I keep thinking it was all my fault?”
Henry
This is something that I too had to deal with after I threw my ex out because she told the children and me how she was going to leave us for another man. Of course in the back of my mind I really wanted her to go because I just couldn’t stand her anymore. I knew my relationship with her has been dead for years. But after she lied about were she would be living and that she in fact left the state. Most if not all her lies started to come apart. But I often wonder if I was like her? After beginning my research in this topic of sociopaths and seeing who she was for the first time. Again I thought there must be something wrong with me to had allow this type of abuse to exist for so long. So off I went (I needed therapy anyway concerning my depression) to a psychologist. I begged them to test me. Explaining all the hurt pain and lies we all suffer during those 17 years of emotional roller coasting to them. So they tested me and tested me some more. First sending me off to a psychologist then a therapist. Now I know I suffer from PTSD which I had since my childhood. I ask them “do I have a personality disorder?” “What do I have?”. The tester after completing her tests look at me and said “Maybe you don’t have anything wrong with you”…
Asked the therapist the same question. Nothing he just tells me how impress he is because I took the effort to research the topic and found some answers on my own. And how (the therapist) he likes the way I try to look at myself from outside myself. Never once did I hear anything negative from him. Just support and encouragement from my therapist.
So if I do have some sociopathic traits why didn’t anyone say something? Why didn’t it come up in therapy? Why didn’t it show up on the tests? I went to therapy and it help me so much. I took my antidepressant which also help with the emotional inner turmoil and my panic attacks. My healing came faster (1 1/2 yrs, if that is fast? LOL) and my normal persona return to normal. I now am James again only much wiser and stronger (emotionally) then ever before! But still not once did this suggestion that I too suffer from a personality disorder ever come up when talking with my psychologist and never with my therapist.
I also would like to share that is has been 2 3/4 years of NC!!! That which I am very proud of!!
escaped: there is no normal … EVERYONE is dealing with some nonsense in their world. it just so happens that we hit the jackpot!
yes, the isolation. my ex lured me back to nyc after six years of being away from him (we’ve been together on-off for 25 years!) and when i finally thought he ‘got it’ i did return to be with him. he was separated from his wife. but as soon as i came back, he manipulated it to where i was always sitting home waiting for him to show up. he’d say he was on his way and not show up for three hours, not answer his cell, etc. ”oh, i was playing basketball” … “oh, i ran into my brother.” i always believed him, but in the meantime, i dropped everything and everyone i enjoyed … to make him feel loved and cared for and happy.
of course, he’s been cheating, lying, manipulating and everything else these leeches do the entire time.
but, truly, i don’t think there is normal. what appears normal has its lunacy too.
my minister says that those of us who have dealt with people like these are earning our PhD in spirituality!!! i’m goin’ with that!
TOWANDA!!!!!
so …
help me out here folks.
this morning i found out that my ex has been telling our mutual friends (who i dropped in order to truly have NC and no information!) that we broke up because i cheated on him. i am LIVID!!!! i never even LOOKED at another guy in the past 16 years!
so, i told this friend the TRUTH. he was stunned. he couldn’t believe that my ex could have treated me this way because the friend KNEW how much i loved him and what i had done for him!
QUESTION: i want to call my ex and RAGE at him for LYING!!! we have had NO contact for more than four weeks now. should i leave him a message letting him know i’m aware of this lie? should i just let it be? how many others are looking at me and saying, ”what a slut grace is” can you believe she cheated on HIM!?!? he’s so gorgeous, he’s such a catch. why would she do that?”
i’m furious. one more slap in the face from afar.
WHAT DO I DO ?????
One of the best things I did was to buy Hare’s book, Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. When I was able to share specific information from that book with friends and family, it was like a light turned on for them. I even sent a copy to one of my brother’s recent victims, and it helped her to feel less responsible for her own victimization. People who are still under his spell refuse to accept any suggestion that he’s a sociopath though. Our mother is one of these people. She has abandoned her relationships with her daughters and their children in favor of her sociopathic son. She has even listed her home and has bought another one in the town where he lives. What a mistake! Has she forgotten that, in his 20+ years of adult life, he has never lived anywhere longer than a few years? He has had 17 addresses in 20 years!
LIG You don’t talk to his friend’s. You don’t talk to your friend’s about him. You change your phone number’s. Change lock’s on house. Do you want all this pain and madness to go away? Do you want your life back? Stop calling him. Stop caring what he/she say’s. There will never be any closure on him. In time everyone will see the truth. As long as you continue this verbal argument you are sinking in quicksand. Stop – NO CONTACT period… mutual friends? no contact with them – they have no idea what you are dealing with and you can’t convince them he is evil so stop – no contact with them either –change numbers TODAY