Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
findingpeace
Ginger and to all thanks for the replies of advise….
Things are just so over whelming right now. I mean he is actually good to me when it comes to him and I. If I need something he makes sure he gets it for me…money for sure. I mean we arent talking alot…but he makes sure I have enough to get thru the week since he knows I am struggling. Really the only problem we had was I wasnt the only one..and yes I know that is problem enough. Well he also was quite jealous….didnt really like any of my friends and okay im sure there are more issues..I guess he was controlling to some effects…I didnt see it as much at first but family members did..Maybe I had those love blinders on…do I still???? Does all this really make him a s or a p???
tami
Okay…I didn’t get any feedback on my last post. Maybe I didn’t make it clear that I was looking for some! LOL! If you all would be kind enough to scroll back up and re-read it–I’d really appreciate it. I keep hearing everyone talk about how their ex S continue to pursue them and try to make contact. My avoids me as well as all other ex wives and girlfriends before like the plague. He is a total coward! Doesn’t seem to fit the norm for the sociopaths you all describe! He is totally PARANOID of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE! What do you all think????
Jen2008
Tami, I read your post and really don’t know what to say. It seems some socios do just discard and move on without giving their previous victims another thought, but on the “coward” part, that seems unusual and uncharacteristic to me for a sociopath. I’ll be interested to read others take on it.
Jen2008
Speaking of talking to others about sociopaths, I just did something that made me feel better. I have been following the Caylee Anthony case on Nancy Grace. Although I believe the Grandparents may have made some mistakes (as have we all in dealing with socio’s) and they are in denial, I am just sick to death of all this focus being on THEM and THEIR mistakes instead of Casey herself. I love Nancy Grace but tonight she was BLAMING the Grandparents for not being able to get information out of Casey. I sent her an email giving my opinion, plus suggested she read Without Conscience and Snakes in Suits so she could see how socios operate and that the grandparents are as powerless to get info out of a socio as anyone else, even if they want to. I don’t know if you guys have listened to some of those jail house conversations between Casey and Cindy but they just ooze manipulation and guilt button pushing. Something about the manner of Casey’s lying reminds me so much of my ex-P. So, although I am sure CNN gets a ton of emails and it may never actually be seen by anyone who may read the books, for some reason just writing that email made me feel better.
Ox Drover
Jen, your email surely didn’t do any harm, who knows, maybe it will get someone to read those books and educate them.
Tami,
Some of them are stalkers, and don’t want to “lose control” over you, some will bounce back when they are short of “supply” and some just “disappear” like a fog. I’m not sure what makes the variation in the way the are. Personally, I think you are fortunate if you got one that just vanishes. The ones that are vengeful stalkers are the hardest to deal with, I would think.
About him being paranoid, he is probably projecting his own thoughts onto others about revenge. That’s the best explanation I can come up with.
Jen2008
Tami, It just also occured to me that since you were with him when he spotted his exes, that his reaction of wanting to avoid them may not have been cowardice at. He may have just used that as a ploy because he simply didn’t want them around you because he may have been afraid of their reaction. By that I mean, he may have been afraid they would say something or react to him in a manner that would have clued you in on what he was really all about.
Wini
My EX acted perfectly “normal”. He acted like a loving father to his youngest daughter. I witnessed his interactions with her and how loving they were to each other (who knows, maybe the whole family is a bunch of grifters) … which is what my friends and families are saying to this day … that they all set me up.
Anyway, they’d bake together, make dinner together … his daughter would set the table and help clean up after. Her dad did worked on her homework with her. He acted like a loving caring person to me. He never raised his voice or was violent towards me. He never insulted me, he never harassed me. He never did any of the MOs that most people experience. If you had asked me just weeks before I found out the truth … I could have testified in a court of law what a great guy he was … His daughter acted so sweet (which unnerved me when I first met her … thinking, how could anyone be this sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, most kids are just kids … good and bad … you see a little of both … but this kid was always so loving and warm and sweet and nice)Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmh???????
Bottom line, maybe, just maybe they are all in this together … a grifter family full of them playing me as their mark. Who knows? When I called his dad in 2007 and told him what his son did to me and how much money he got out of me … his father said “Wini, he’s married now”. He didn’t acknowledge anything I was saying and he did say “he was proud of his son”. Now what does that mean? Does it mean his son fooled him all these years … or does it mean … we did you in, closed door, good bye? Same thing when my best friend got in touch with the other woman that lived with my EX at the same time he was engaged with me … Karen. Karen stated that she had a heart to heart … crying on my EX’s sisters shoulders. Well, well, well … his sister knows me, and knows that her brother was engaged to me. Why not a phone call to my home from hers giving up her brother? Never happened.
Maybe, just maybe, this entire family is playing their games with everyone they come in contact with.
Peace.
Peace.
Ox Drover
Ok, Gang, question time–I didn’t know what thread to put this under so I guess this is as good as any.
I had to send son D over to mom’s house tonight to get her to sign a paper, and as usual, she tries to keep him there as long as possible and “visit” with him. She also told him about her medical conditions and that she is aneamic and has to have a colonscopy to deterine if she is losing blood through her colon. We have a positive family history for colon cancer, and my mom’s mother died from that.
Anyway, when son D came home with the paper he mentioned to me what she had said about her medical condition. No big deal. BUT–frankly, I really don’t care. I don’t mean I wish anything horrible on her, or anything like that, but it was like he was talking about someone I didn’t even know, my reaction was the same as if I didn’t know her. I also realized that if he had told me she had 3 months to live, it would have been the same reaction. Just “Oh, well”—like it didn’t concern me in the least. What DOES concern me is—-am I as cold hearted as THEY ARE? Or what’s the big deal with me? I just don’t want any contact with her, even if I knew she was dying. I don’t want to know what is going on with her unless it directly effects me and it is something I need to DO something about.
I mean if this was son C or son D having such a problem I would have been RIGHT THERE, with my nose medically poked into the situation from the git-go, but with her, I really don’t feel any worry or any concern or anything else.
I’ve seen so many medical errors take place that I won’t let anyone I love go to the hospital without a medical “guard”–several of my nurse friends and I “trade off” sitting with each other’s families when they are hospitalized so that there is someone there 24 hr a day with the patient—but if she went to the hospital I would have no feeling that I wanted or needed to be there, or do anything to arrange a “possee” to be there to “guard” her—to make sure her care was appropriate and so on.
I mean I have been feeling really great lately, “lighter” and more free, happy even, working on remodeling my studio (which BTW is almost done with the third room) but this reaction, or LACK OF REACTION on my part. I’m not sure what it means. Does it mean I am “healed” or “callous?”
Stargazer
Tami,
My ex just discarded me and disappeared when he knew he couldn’t control me any more. But here is some good news. I just got the following email from his army captain tonight:
“Sorry I haven’t back with you sooner. I had a meeting with my medical staff and with my legal staff to find out what we can do to him. We are all coming together for a rehabilitation Team Meeting (RTM) with (the S) and lay it all on the table. We will first talk to him with out his wife and them with his wife. He has some explaining to do. It is possible that I might ask you to complete a sworn statement but I will
let you know. I hope all is going well with you and I will be in touch”
——————————————————————-
We emailed back and forth a few times, and I warned him that he cannot believe anything (the S) says. He said he was beginning to believe that. I also recommended that the team educate themselves about sociopaths because they can be very slippery characters. I gave him the link to this site, and told him many of the members’ stories are just like mine.
I feel like I was actually able to speak up and someone heard me. Maybe this S will be brought to justice!!
Ox Drover
Dear Stargazer!!!
TOWANDA!!!!