An article in last week’s New York Times magazine contained the following amazing statement: “Repeating a claim, even if only to refute it, increases its apparent truthfulness.”
Although the article had nothing to do with sociopaths, the statement made me think of my ex-husband, James Montgomery. Among his many lies, Montgomery claimed to be a member of the Australian military, a decorated Vietnam War hero, and a member of the Special Forces. None of this was true, but from what I can tell, he’d been making the claims since at least 1980 (we met in 1996). They’d been repeated many times, for many years—which apparently enhanced their believability.
Like most of us here on Lovefraud, I felt like a complete fool for being so totally deceived. Why couldn’t I see the lies? But it turns out that I have plenty of company. Psychological research indicates that in general, people can distinguish truths from lies only about 53 percent of the time. That’s not much better than flipping a coin.
No signs of lying
Some people believe that there are physiological signals that someone is lying—for example, extraneous hand gestures or averting eye contact.
In one study, scientists asked more than 2,000 people from all over the world, “How can you tell when people are lying?” The number one answer was the same: “Liars avert their gaze.”
This may be true for some people, but it is not true all the time, and probably not true at all with sociopaths. Here at Lovefraud, we all have stories of the predator gazing into our eyes while he or she lied through his teeth.
Some researchers believe that liars tend to move their arms, hands and fingers less, blink less, and have more tension in their voices. Still, these behaviors are not consistent—some people who lie display them, and others don’t.
The point is, in hundreds of studies, researchers have found no reliable signal that indicates when someone is lying.
I don’t know, but I assume that the studies were done on general populations, and not populations of sociopaths. If we can’t detect lying in normal people, what chance do we have with sociopaths?
Truth About Deception
The situation gets even worse in romantic relationships. The reason, quite simply, is that we want to believe and trust our romantic partners.
“As people become more intimate and more emotionally involved they also become less accurate at detecting their partner’s deception,” states the website Truth About Deception. “People are too willing to give their romantic partners the benefit of the doubt.”
The Truth about Deception website is dedicated to explaining lies in romantic relationships, and the information presented is scary. For example, it states, “Most people think they are really good at telling when their partner is lying, but research shows that thinking you are good at detecting deception does not make it so.”
This creates, according to the website, a dangerous situation:
- As intimacy increases:
- People’s confidence at detecting deception increases
- People’s actual ability to detect deception declines
- Partners have more reason to lie
The website suggests that the only real way of determining if a romantic partner is lying is through some type of monitoring or surveillance.
Awareness, intuition, evaluation
So what’s the answer? How do we know when someone is lying?
The first step is to realize that people do, in fact, lie. That’s how honest, trustworthy people get into trouble—we don’t lie, so we don’t expect people to lie to us. This is a dangerous blind spot.
Our initial clue that someone is lying will probably come from our intuition. If we get that hit, that inkling, that the truth is not being told, we need to pay attention.
Then, we need to critically evaluate what is being said, along with evidence that proves or disproves the statements. When facts are irrefutable, we should believe the facts, and not the pleas of the liar.
Oxdrover,
Haha I love that term! I have major P-dar now. I think we all do here, we developed it the hard way. LOL
Ariadne,
I think the lessons that “stick” the best in our minds are the ones we learn the hard way.
When my kids were little I was still in the mode where I ironed all my sheets etc. and they would toddle around my ironing board reaching for the iron. I kept saying “No, HOT!” and it had little if any effect on them, I was scared to death that they would seriously burn themselves or each other.
Finally one day I realized that the only way I could see to “safety” proof that iron because they would grab at it while I was actually there, was to let them touch it. So I turned it down to the lowest setting where it would not blister them, but would “scorch” their little fingers with an uncomfortably hot sensation and LET THEM TOUCH IT. After that when I said “No, HOT! about anything they would leave it ALONE. Actually I told them a LOT of things were “hot” that weren’t, but it made them leave those things alone. LOL
I guess I am the “world’s worst” at having to learn things the hard way, and have advanced degrees is the University of Hard Knocks, but I think I have finally gotten the lessons as well as the “degrees”—LOL
http://books.google.com/books?id=91Tnr_uq-TAC&pg=PA125&dq=psychopaths+abandoning&ei=EWnpR4SSK5eQiQGXgNnlBA&sig=r0YWYPEXr80QQ5zWGJkOb-ktvu0#PPA128,M1
Takethe time to read the xcerpts fromthis book on lysing and psychopaths– chilling. The delight of predation.
holywatersalt,
Thank you so much for that link…I read all that was on the review of the book,, and just went to Amazon and ordered it.
Much of what I read goes along with the things my P-son has told me about prison. He managed to seduce a female major.She came into the visitiing room when he was there and we were visiting. YOu could see that “sexual energy” fly between them when they made eye contact—I don’t know how her coworkers couldn’t SEE it.
I coudn’t understand why a woman this bright, pretty, etc. and who had a good career in corrections would risk it all for an affair with my son. Sigh
My P-son apparently was pretty well placed in prison, he had a cell phone for a long time, and many other “goodies” inside. Now that he is without funds, however, he will not be getting along quite so well I am sure. He was in the craft shop and could order supplies from outside. Through these items he was able to smuggle in other items. After he got caught with the cell phone and I went to pick up his craft shop items, when I was storing these away, I found two more cell phones hidden inside another object. Apparently he had a pretty good little side line in prison.
One thing I did notice on visits, was that he was always moving his eyes from one side of the room to the other. He would never keep eye contact with you while you were visiting, it was essentially “hypervigilence” to the extreme.
I will be interested in reading the book when it gets here. Thanks again.
I didn’t even think of your P son- yeah the book is very telling, scary.
I particularly am interested in the section on whom they target. Best I have read, really gets into detail and the examples are good.
Makes me so sad- the “duping delight” and predation–we just see this as normal emotion, when it’s so far from it.
No wonder my P seemed so “emotional” good God, he’s such a freaking predator.
I guess in some ways I may be denser, or as a therapist I had once told me “you have the biggest, thickets, shiniest pair of ROSE COLORED GLASSES I ever saw” You know, I think she is right. LOL Lo0king back it makes me laugh, but she was Soooooo right. I think that is why I was the PERFECT VICTIM.
I thought I was in control of myself, when in fact, I was the TOTAL DUPE! or is that DOPE? LOL
Anyway, when I read my P-son’s letters to his ex-con Trojan Horse P it was so REAL and I could see him saying those things, and when Read the letters he had written to me and to my mother–180 degree switch–they were SO PHONY.
Talk about mirroring back to me what I wanted to hear–“But, Moooommmm, what would Jesus Do?” Pa’leeeeeeze—and I fell for that crap, let it melt my mommie’s heart when I read those lines.????
Reading the words in the review part of the book it was like Prison 101—and a total validation of what I now know is the way I was WORKED just like any “mark”—the easy CON, not the difficult one or the challenging one,, just a complete DOPE!
And I think of all his “buddies” that I sent Bible lessons to, and they answered them and returned them soooo promply. The sent me hand made greeting cards that were sooooo sweet and you knew they had put in many many hours with the filigree cut outs and the art work…and my heart melted, I was saving these poor dears without friends or family on the outside–PA’UKE! It was all the SET up. He had several Trojan Horses in the building. Then he sent one to rent a house from me…the perfect “in” into the family—one I would never suspect and in my “good nature” would be willing to help the poor guy out. His cover story was good, he did have Hep C, and he was on SSD–so how the heck was I to know that this poor guy wasn’t who and what he said he was? He was so nice and so helpful, and he didn’t have to ASK for my help, I VOLUNTEERED. Heck, “here I am, look over here, I ‘m your victim, I’ll even volunteer to be your patsy” I can’t believe I fell for the old “shell game”—and I thought I was so smart!
It definitely is a HUMBLING experience to know that you are that easily conned. LOL I guess it is somewhat healthy now that I can laugh about it rather than feel ashamed and sad, or any number of other emotions I have had about it all. I’m not beating myself up any more at least. I figure that there are smarter folks than I am on this very list who have been conned by dumber crooks and Ps than my son. So I don’t guess I win the “prize” for being the most gullible, but I probably get second place, at worst. (sigh) But I think it will take a darned good P to trap me again.
I’m kind of like that old cow of mine that you couldn’t catch, I can “smell” a rat at 100 paces. If you had no intention of “working” the cattle, that old cow wouldn’t get out of your back pocket—but i f you even had a THOUGHT the night before about it being time to vaccinate or worm the herd, you couldn’t get within 200 yards of her the next day. LOL I swear that old hussy could read my mind! I tried every trick in the book in herding cattle to fool her and never did again.
What had set her off to be that way was she had a thorn or hay seed in her eye, and it got infected and we took her to the vet. He gave her some medication and a shot (near the eye) and then sewed her eye lid closed to let it heal.
After that, you could never get even close to her when time came to “get’em in the corral”—she had had enough of that and remembered that the last time we had done that to her that she had been in great pain. She would have died before she would let us get her into the corral again. I couldn’t blame her though, I had some minor surgery on my upper lid and even with the “numbing shots” it was very much like having it done without anything to numb it up. For some reason “numbing shots” don’t do much for that eye lid, so I have some idea how much pain she had been in at the Vet’s.
The pain that I have allowed the Ps to inflict on me finally got hot enough that I would rather die than go through that again too. Just like the cow, I am not going to take any chances and let them get close enough to me to put me through that again. At the FIRST sign that is the intention, they are going to be looking at my dust as I take off for higher ground in a run. I just hope I can be as vigilant and as intuitive as my old cow was…and I’ve been called an “old heifer” a time or two so maybe I am learning! LOL
Wow, I just went to that website “truthaboutdeception”—
Gosh what a great site. Everything is pretty simply written, easy to understand and lots of great links…may take me “forever” to read it all but great information…makes you stop and think too. Just getting through the links on one or two pages is a long haul but great information.
Interestingly enough, if you THINK you are good at detecting lies, you are probably NOT, and if you think you aren’t you are probably much better than the more “arrogant” one who does. Ouch! LOL
Also, if you catch one lie, they have probably gotten away with 100–that’s humbling too. I’ll still stick with my ONE LIE, you’re OUT rule!
there is great documentation about the pain of being a victim of social deceit, and I have experienced it like all of you, but I cannot help but wonder how much value there is in being classified as a victim. Sure, its true. But, certainly there is merit to being an adult and learning from the experience, and hopefully, some honesty about what people, as victims, get from the experience. It’s sad, but true. What is the payoff? I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, but he has a point. When do we get off of the ‘woe is me’ train and put people in their place?
I say this as an adult child of a a Narcissist that tops the scale. I cannot forgive or even appreciate the difficulties that pushed an otherwise decent human over the edge into the lifestyle and mind set of an evil person, yet I also know that it’s trite and dismissive to simply lable the person as evil, thereby giving us, you, the right to act out. You don’t have that right, nor do I, even under the most tiring of circumstances, no matter how the abuser affected your life. You have to understand that evil is not so easily defined. I ask you, do you honestly believe that, given a non-stressful event, that the person who hurt you realy is evil, or are they simply acting in a way that they have learned. I’m speaking directly to the nature of evil, and I know how hard this is, but it’s of interest to me. For example, what do you say to the person who has learned, adapted, rationalized even, their behavior? Are they truly evil, or just a broken machine. Broken machines, IMHO, don’t particularly deserve 2nd or 3rd chances. After all, damage has been done. But an evil person, a ‘truly’ evil person, in my opinion, must know that what they are doing is wrong, bad, hurtful, and then, even THEN, they persist in their behavior, fully cognisant of the harm they are doing.
You cannot measure this level of evilness simply by the pain you feel at their expense. That is not enough, because it takes your behavior out of the equation. Yes, I said that. Hate me. But he truth is, many times we bring on or otherwise accept the treatment we receive. So there are two parts to the transaction. That doesn’t excuse the evil-doer, but keep in mind that most bad people are maladjusted, they do not posess the healthy skills of accepting criticism and the ability to accept life’s odd curve-balls. Sure, what they do hurts, and reasonable people can look down on them, but what does that make us?
So grow a pair, as they say. Walk away from damaged goods. Learn self-esteem, and don’t place yourself in harm’s way.
My father is old, and a lifelong narcissist. Believe me when I tell you it has hurt me. On a scale of 1-to-10, he hits an 11. But forgiveness, and a healthy sense of self-preservation are far more important than being labeled a victim or feeling like NOW that I know this person is evil, I can dismiss him. You can’t. They’re there, like it or not. Give yourself the gift of time and peace, and forget about retribution. It won’t happend.
Yes- they are evil Yes, they consciously choose evil. I blog on about how they really are evil. Evil as in from the devil.
And please- there’s no shame in being a victim, just the truth. Do you rationalize being a victim of a car crash?
And I am sorry but it’s not just a matter of do x, y and z and shazam you avoid psychos…hell, they take advantage of companies and govts.
Our acute awareness proves we are ahead of the world in awareness.
By admitting they are evil, as in EVIL, I faced reality. There’s good and there’s evil – it ain’t all sunshine and popsicles.
ps
There’s no proof, evidence real studies that say there were damaged as children and therefore they’re cruel. They have personality disorders, they are sane.
Your theory is not proven– they are pretty satisfied with themselves and go through life getting off on any kind of attention esp. that wrought by destruction and lies.
Read Barc Attack blog- Kathy nails NPD.