An article in last week’s New York Times magazine contained the following amazing statement: “Repeating a claim, even if only to refute it, increases its apparent truthfulness.”
Although the article had nothing to do with sociopaths, the statement made me think of my ex-husband, James Montgomery. Among his many lies, Montgomery claimed to be a member of the Australian military, a decorated Vietnam War hero, and a member of the Special Forces. None of this was true, but from what I can tell, he’d been making the claims since at least 1980 (we met in 1996). They’d been repeated many times, for many years—which apparently enhanced their believability.
Like most of us here on Lovefraud, I felt like a complete fool for being so totally deceived. Why couldn’t I see the lies? But it turns out that I have plenty of company. Psychological research indicates that in general, people can distinguish truths from lies only about 53 percent of the time. That’s not much better than flipping a coin.
No signs of lying
Some people believe that there are physiological signals that someone is lying—for example, extraneous hand gestures or averting eye contact.
In one study, scientists asked more than 2,000 people from all over the world, “How can you tell when people are lying?” The number one answer was the same: “Liars avert their gaze.”
This may be true for some people, but it is not true all the time, and probably not true at all with sociopaths. Here at Lovefraud, we all have stories of the predator gazing into our eyes while he or she lied through his teeth.
Some researchers believe that liars tend to move their arms, hands and fingers less, blink less, and have more tension in their voices. Still, these behaviors are not consistent—some people who lie display them, and others don’t.
The point is, in hundreds of studies, researchers have found no reliable signal that indicates when someone is lying.
I don’t know, but I assume that the studies were done on general populations, and not populations of sociopaths. If we can’t detect lying in normal people, what chance do we have with sociopaths?
Truth About Deception
The situation gets even worse in romantic relationships. The reason, quite simply, is that we want to believe and trust our romantic partners.
“As people become more intimate and more emotionally involved they also become less accurate at detecting their partner’s deception,” states the website Truth About Deception. “People are too willing to give their romantic partners the benefit of the doubt.”
The Truth about Deception website is dedicated to explaining lies in romantic relationships, and the information presented is scary. For example, it states, “Most people think they are really good at telling when their partner is lying, but research shows that thinking you are good at detecting deception does not make it so.”
This creates, according to the website, a dangerous situation:
- As intimacy increases:
- People’s confidence at detecting deception increases
- People’s actual ability to detect deception declines
- Partners have more reason to lie
The website suggests that the only real way of determining if a romantic partner is lying is through some type of monitoring or surveillance.
Awareness, intuition, evaluation
So what’s the answer? How do we know when someone is lying?
The first step is to realize that people do, in fact, lie. That’s how honest, trustworthy people get into trouble—we don’t lie, so we don’t expect people to lie to us. This is a dangerous blind spot.
Our initial clue that someone is lying will probably come from our intuition. If we get that hit, that inkling, that the truth is not being told, we need to pay attention.
Then, we need to critically evaluate what is being said, along with evidence that proves or disproves the statements. When facts are irrefutable, we should believe the facts, and not the pleas of the liar.
Ox Drover
eyeswideshut,
Your husband’s sending your child to the woods to cut down 50′ trees without any supervision or training is almost as bad as giving him a gun to “play with” unsupervised.
Sheesh! It is difficult to believe that ANY person is THAT stupid! Or careless with their child! Yet I know it is true.
Here on my farm we have a couple of RULES that iare never violated. No one climbs on a ladder when they are here alone. EVER and NO ONE ever uses a chain saw when alone.
Of course my sons have had GOOD and extensive training and experience with chain saws, but we always have protective gear, like the chaps, head and face protectors and hearing protectors and someone to stand by in case of an accident. Everyone here on the farm has had Emergency Medical Technition training (or more) as well.
It makes me quite angry at your husband myself and I am not the kid’s mother, and don’t even know you except from the blog—Ohhhhhhhh! Ugggggg! I’m glad your son survived intact. Praise God!
newworld view
how can i read he gale warnings blog//
Ox Drover
go up a few posts to where peggywhoever is addressing me (ox drover) and she has the link at the bottom of that post. It is kind of tiny print at the bottom of her post in the same color as the date stamp.
It really is a good site. Thanks again Peggy.
newworld view
tks
gennyrabbit
the article makes a good point about the eyes. they do avert their eyes when they lie. but i think since a lot of people are aware of that others know about that if they sense you are looking at their eyes to see if they are lying they’ll stare into your eyes to defy you. hence not blinking. but the S i was with was a punk and i think if the S you are dealing with has an ego the stare can be accompanied by a look of laughter behind his eyes and maybe even a smirk. it starts to move into their abusive behavior.
gennyrabbit
ox drover, my x S would hint too. he would say ‘you know, baby. i have multiple personalities.’ he wasn’t technically so i would dismiss it.
Beverly
Many years ago, I taught a body language class and I am an astute observer. But when I suspected my exN of cheating on me, he looked me straight in the eye, kept himself perfectly composed and never flinched or looked shifty whilst he lied to me like there was no tomorrow!! These people can be the minority who pass lie detector tests because in their heads there is nothing wrong with their actions, so they have little or no physiological respnse.
romanticfool no more
I refused to even consider my Mr. Nice Guy would lie to me on anything important, even when he was telling me stupid lies that no way could I have belived. I told myself it was a mid-life crisis, or maybe some medical problem. Even when he tried to gas light me I just saw it as a sign of some tempory disfunction. After all, I’d already been gas lighted in a previous relationship, and had TOLD him it doesn’t work on me. When people tell me I’ve said things I know I wouldn’t even think of, when they are supposed to be quoting me, but they are using their own speech patterns and typical behavior, gimme a break!
I hate when people lie to me, but I hate worse when I lie to myself. Looking back, of course I knew he was lying. I asked him if he was having an affair, he said “of course not, you are the only woman for me” and I BELIEVED him. Although after he told me his last big lie, it only took 10 minutes on-line to find out the truth.
The more sincere he looked the bigger the lie. When he held both my hands and looked deeply into my eyes, I thought, OK, this one is going to be a whopper! I honestly believe he practiced looking sincere, he’s incredibly vain and has done theatre. He’s a dang good actor, or was until his drug use started to catch up with him.
I’m a lousy lie detector. But I’m getting better, any one who comes on too strong and grandious at the very beginning, gets bumped right out of my life
If I were ever to consider another relationship, he would have to agree to a credit check, full background check and random drug testing. I think I will be single for the rest of my life!
neverneverland
Morning after morning, I lay here in my bed, contemplating all of the lies I could have been told. Was “I love you” a lie the last time he said it? What about the first time? Did he ever mean anything he said? Or was all of it bullshit from the start? One thing that I did find out is that less than 40 percent of what ex told me was going to happen with his band actually happened. There was always a new marketing scheme to get money, a new publicist, a director wanted to use his music, blah, blah. After so much of it, I figure out that whatever happened happened. But I never thought he’d intentionally lie to me. Never.
Marie
They are all pie in the sky neverneverland. Mine used to make all kinds of plans, very few ever came to fruition. He had big ideas for ‘his’ band too, all the time, plans, plans and more plans. He loved to feel in charge of everything even though someone else actually managed the band. He muscled in wanting to be the centre of it all. If his suggestions weren’t put into operation he would get really angry and start ranting about being unappreciated and saying things like ‘if they only knew what I had done in the past’ etc…………like he was some big hotshot! They are so full of themselves it is unbelievable. Oh and the lies, don’t believe anything they say, ever. They open their mouths and they lie. It is nothing to them, they live in a fantasy world.