An article in last week’s New York Times magazine contained the following amazing statement: “Repeating a claim, even if only to refute it, increases its apparent truthfulness.”
Although the article had nothing to do with sociopaths, the statement made me think of my ex-husband, James Montgomery. Among his many lies, Montgomery claimed to be a member of the Australian military, a decorated Vietnam War hero, and a member of the Special Forces. None of this was true, but from what I can tell, he’d been making the claims since at least 1980 (we met in 1996). They’d been repeated many times, for many years—which apparently enhanced their believability.
Like most of us here on Lovefraud, I felt like a complete fool for being so totally deceived. Why couldn’t I see the lies? But it turns out that I have plenty of company. Psychological research indicates that in general, people can distinguish truths from lies only about 53 percent of the time. That’s not much better than flipping a coin.
No signs of lying
Some people believe that there are physiological signals that someone is lying—for example, extraneous hand gestures or averting eye contact.
In one study, scientists asked more than 2,000 people from all over the world, “How can you tell when people are lying?” The number one answer was the same: “Liars avert their gaze.”
This may be true for some people, but it is not true all the time, and probably not true at all with sociopaths. Here at Lovefraud, we all have stories of the predator gazing into our eyes while he or she lied through his teeth.
Some researchers believe that liars tend to move their arms, hands and fingers less, blink less, and have more tension in their voices. Still, these behaviors are not consistent—some people who lie display them, and others don’t.
The point is, in hundreds of studies, researchers have found no reliable signal that indicates when someone is lying.
I don’t know, but I assume that the studies were done on general populations, and not populations of sociopaths. If we can’t detect lying in normal people, what chance do we have with sociopaths?
Truth About Deception
The situation gets even worse in romantic relationships. The reason, quite simply, is that we want to believe and trust our romantic partners.
“As people become more intimate and more emotionally involved they also become less accurate at detecting their partner’s deception,” states the website Truth About Deception. “People are too willing to give their romantic partners the benefit of the doubt.”
The Truth about Deception website is dedicated to explaining lies in romantic relationships, and the information presented is scary. For example, it states, “Most people think they are really good at telling when their partner is lying, but research shows that thinking you are good at detecting deception does not make it so.”
This creates, according to the website, a dangerous situation:
- As intimacy increases:
- People’s confidence at detecting deception increases
- People’s actual ability to detect deception declines
- Partners have more reason to lie
The website suggests that the only real way of determining if a romantic partner is lying is through some type of monitoring or surveillance.
Awareness, intuition, evaluation
So what’s the answer? How do we know when someone is lying?
The first step is to realize that people do, in fact, lie. That’s how honest, trustworthy people get into trouble—we don’t lie, so we don’t expect people to lie to us. This is a dangerous blind spot.
Our initial clue that someone is lying will probably come from our intuition. If we get that hit, that inkling, that the truth is not being told, we need to pay attention.
Then, we need to critically evaluate what is being said, along with evidence that proves or disproves the statements. When facts are irrefutable, we should believe the facts, and not the pleas of the liar.
Rosa
James:
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Drew Peterson on TV. His wife, Stacy, had just gone missing. I remember him standing in front of the TV news cameras and microphones as calm as can be saying that she “probably ran off with another man.”
It is unbelievable what they think they can get away with when they reach that “point of no return.”
James
I heard another thing he told people who were looking for Stacy that they were looking in the wrong place and should be looking on the beach. Suggesting she was with someone on a beach enjoying herself with a drink in hand..
Sorry to say but I really don’t like this guy that much!
Another thing I been thinking about is his claim about her running away. If Stacy was afraid of them (which I believe is true) he is now in prison sitting on a 10 mil bond. Why wouldn’t Stacy come back now? She would be safe with him in prison. I guess we all know the answer to that one, God forgive me but I really don’t like this guy!!! 🙁
James
update:
“If Stacy was afraid of them”
should be “If Stacy was afraid of him”… sorry
hens
about humans being lousy lie dectectors – this is something I read many months ago that has stuck with me and I will share it again…….[It is emotionaly impossible to simultaneously feel pity yet suspect deciet at the same time, the mind can only do one or the other] considering how expert they are with the pity ploys they know this and use it too their advantage…to cover up their lies – in other words keep us confused and confined.
Rosa
Henry:
“It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously feel pity yet suspect deceit at the same time, the mind can only do one or the other.”
These days, I suspect deceit first, then I feel pity. It used to be the other way around.
hens
ditto
Rosa
James:
Stacy’s disappearance coupled with Kathleen Savio’s “drowning” in a dry bathtub was just too much to stomach.
The police in that community did a less-than-thorough job on that case.
It is the same way in my town. Girls have disappeared from night clubs here, never to be seen again. The police here cannot solve their way out of a paper bag.
When I see what the detectives in metropolitan areas like NYC can do, it is a joke because the contrast is so great.
Tobadtosad
All this has happen to a friend of mine and she doesnt see it Why do all the other people around her. Say He going to try this time, He going to get better, and he almost died and maybe hell learn,And what funny about it Her daughter just broke up with a guy and the mother is telling her how she should handle it And she cant get her own life together What up with that This is my first time on this site and new on a pc. But after I readed all these stories He not just a drunk No work bum Got her in dept.and now dhe trying again When do they see?/ I would love for her to see this site But she mad at me now But he had something to do with it Im sure But them again she could called. See, I think some times they like to be needed this way. Because if she keeps doing It make her feel waited. and then she know were he at all the time. She knows about the lies and ect. Its been ten years now. and when she tells her daughter what to do. If she can tell her daughter what to do Why cant she do it? And I think she know that I was going to say something about it, As to say Why dont you do that for yourself. I guess she is as needy as he is. Ill miss her as a friend, But I wont be the first to call . Shell have to go thought her own hell. Because she wont have me to cry on But like I saieded before I could label him But after reading here I know what he all about But ones like him can have her kids family believing him. They will find out and I hope her daughters (3) will not follow in there mothers footed steps Sorry know spell check
Rune
Tobadtosad: Welcome to the site, and to your PC. I hope you can get your friend to come read some of these articles. If she sees how scary these other stories are, maybe she will harder at her own life.
James
Welcome TobadTosad.
PC’s take a bit to get use to so I hope that doesn’t slow you down too much.
LF (LoveFraud) is a great place for information and meeting people who understand how much harder it can be to understand those who are involve with s/p (Sociopaths/Personality disorder) or those of us that were involved in a relationship with one. Anyway welcome again!
🙂
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