By BloggerT7165
I am a survivor. And I am thankful for that.
It’s not something I take for granted because I know there are many who do not survive the abuse that is inflicted by their loved ones, trusted spouses or friends or parents. This is a hurtful experience that literally kills people. And if the wound itself doesn’t kill, then the infection that follows from the collusion of friends, neighbors, confidants, professionals, and others will many times finish off the job.
Every abuse story is a tragic one, but the stories of those who successfully commit suicide are among the most heart-wrenching of all. Many abuse victims survive in body, but are lost in other ways. Lost to the pain. Lost to drugs or alcohol. Lost to self-destructive behaviors. Lost to depression. Lost to fear and isolation.
I am filled with gratitude. I came out on the other side of the pain, suffering and darkness, still alive and somewhat sane. Whatever pain I may have, I am grateful for the capacity to feel that pain and for the ability to speak of it. I pray that my voice may help others and may work for good.
I am thankful for the life I live. I am thankful for the goodness of the people who surround me. I am thankful there are caring people like those I have seen on LF. I am thankful to be able to agree or disagree, I am thankful for all the goodness I see in the world even when it seems so dark.
Than you Donna, Dr. Leedom, Dr Steve, Steve and everyone else on Love Fraud for caring.
Twisted Sister Jesus Freak! :)~
Staying focussed here too… being grateful beats feeling victimized. But it takes mental effort, it is too easy to go into the hurt feelings since these have been with me since childhood. I am grateful I survived all the episodes starting with the abusive father, several “EUP’s” (Emotionally Unavailable Partners, ie: sociopaths, narcissists, etc.).
It is overwhelming at times though since I never really had such a clear understanding of the pattern I have sustained throughout my adult years. I used to think it was just bad luck. But it really has to do with my thinking, my own dysfunction of bringing dysfunctional types into my life. But now I am aware and turning to a higher power to help me wade through the debris.
This site has helped me find a handrail to hold onto but I am the one that has to take one step at a time here. It is tough too now that I am without employment. Too much time on my hands to feel sorry for myself each day. But as soon as I turn to God and cry out for help, the feeling sorry can change very quickly…
As soon as I know I need to take steps in the direction HE wants me to go (I certainly don’t have every answer, I can’t do it alone either), as soon as I find all that I know I should be grateful for, the pain turns over and transforms past tears, fears and anger into something of light. Something actually lighter, something going towards the light, perhaps the light itself. This is evidence that I have a soul, a deeper consciousness.
I CHOOSE to face the light… to be a part of the light… something good and everlasting or else my other choice is to let myself become snuffed out by the darkness, the heavy burden that I have carried because I denied myself the choice to be free of this. I am grateful I have the choice.
PressEject
presseject: my history is very similar, starting with my s/p/n father and then my share of EUPs. i am also ‘facing the light’ as i wade through this, and trying to accept my responsibility in all of it.
i also was unemployed but i ended up going bankruptcy. then a year later, my ex-s/p/n trashed me unbelievably. there’s something to be said for having so little left to lose.
but, as you say, you can either rise again (feel like changing my last name to Phoenix!), or be ”snuffed out by the darkness.”
our choice is to now use all that we have learned, and never let it happen again. our choice is to know our goodness and light was a beacon for all of these demons, who are soulless and ‘light-less.’
but don’t you wish, as i do, that you had come to understand this truth years ago? soon that won’t matter either. there are so many who never come to embrace their truth, so i suppose this is one more thing for which we can be grateful.
towanda.
Dear LIG,
QUOTE: “don’t you wish, as I do, that you had come to understand this truth years ago? soon that won’t matter either. There are so many who never come to embrace their truth…”
You are so right there. For a long time I really BOINKED myself with the “skillet” for not catching on and doing something years, decades, ago,, but I have come to realize that each of us will not embrace even the most “obvious” truth until we are ready.
“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
No one could have made us change our thinking until we got ready to do so. You are right, that some people live their whole entire lives in “the darkness.” They are afraid or unable to embrace a painful truth.
Even Jesus, when he was preparing the night before his crucifiction knew what was in store for him, and even He dreaded the painful truth that he knew was going to happen to him. As he prayed drops of sweat like drops of blood dripped off him.
I think that we somehow know the pain we will experience in our own emotional torture and we will do anything to keep from experiencing that torture until the nails are driven into our hearts deep enough that we can’t deny it any long, we know that if we don’t experience a separation from the people who are hurting us that we will have WORSE PAIN, and at that time, we are willing to endure the separation because to refuse would cause us pain that we could not endure.
Sometimes people must be “flat of their backs before they will look UP”–sometimes we (victims) must be at the end of our ropes before we can let go of the psychopaths and start swimming to safety through the waves of pain. We must be ready, in our own time. NO one can push us to be ready, we have to get there on our own, and THEN and only then, can we start to heal, to escape the emotional clutches of our “idols.”
I’ve always identified with the Phoenix, from the time I first read the story, maybe when I was 8 or 9 in a “weekly reader” book of the month. It is to this day, one of my favorite stories, and I intend to rise from the ashes of my own life and to fly P-free the rest of my life.
ox:
in past relationships, i always got to what i call the top of the hill, and once pushed over, i never looked back. that is how all of my previous relationships ended. it takes a lot for me to get there, but once i do, i’m done.
of course, it’s scary as hell to go over the edge into that great, dark abyss, and i resist it like the plague. i knew it was coming and i let it go on for months, hoping against hope that it wasn’t really happening. hoping against hope that i wasn’t going to have to ”start over” again … alone. i had already been through so much the past few years: death of a best friend, loss of a job, loss of every penny i’d ever saved, bankruptcy, death of my dad, new career, and then loss of my lover in the worst possible way. whew.
but i am grateful the stress didn’t kill me. i’m still here. and hopefully — along with all of my friends here at LF — will be, in the not-too-distant-future, whole again.
towanda!
I would also like to express my thanks for this blog. I haven’t been able to write the last few days, & was feeling myself moving towards my abyss, so this made me feel better. For me, the holiday season is always the worst. I used to enjoy them, but not so much, anymore. I know I am really glad I found this site. Just being able to write about all the crap the s. did makes the load a little easier to bear. Thanks to all of you for being there, & listening. That means ALOT!
It’s a Job ! And We are Glad your here just sorry your a member! LOVE JJ
I now have my eyes open with men after my experience with the P. But I find that I am very guarded and suspicious. Whenever a guy is flattering me, especially if he is younger, my shields go up. I hope I can come to a place of balance with this. I know guys often don’t know how to get a woman’s attention and sometimes a compliment or two is all they have. It should be a warm and fuzzy thing, not something to send me into paranoia.
Oxy, you must have a lot of dings and dents in your skillet. I think we should pitch in and buy you a new one. 🙂
star:
lol. buying ox a new skillet! there’s a dent or two on there from most of our heads!
i know what you mean about being guarded. i can’t even fathom the idea of trusting another guy not to decimate my heart.
was it you who had a date this week? someone was talking about that a few days ago.
Wasn’t me. I’m getting a lot of interesting guys on the dating site showing interest. Some of them I would have been very interested in before the P. I just can’t even go there with them right now.