By BloggerT7165
I am a survivor. And I am thankful for that.
It’s not something I take for granted because I know there are many who do not survive the abuse that is inflicted by their loved ones, trusted spouses or friends or parents. This is a hurtful experience that literally kills people. And if the wound itself doesn’t kill, then the infection that follows from the collusion of friends, neighbors, confidants, professionals, and others will many times finish off the job.
Every abuse story is a tragic one, but the stories of those who successfully commit suicide are among the most heart-wrenching of all. Many abuse victims survive in body, but are lost in other ways. Lost to the pain. Lost to drugs or alcohol. Lost to self-destructive behaviors. Lost to depression. Lost to fear and isolation.
I am filled with gratitude. I came out on the other side of the pain, suffering and darkness, still alive and somewhat sane. Whatever pain I may have, I am grateful for the capacity to feel that pain and for the ability to speak of it. I pray that my voice may help others and may work for good.
I am thankful for the life I live. I am thankful for the goodness of the people who surround me. I am thankful there are caring people like those I have seen on LF. I am thankful to be able to agree or disagree, I am thankful for all the goodness I see in the world even when it seems so dark.
Than you Donna, Dr. Leedom, Dr Steve, Steve and everyone else on Love Fraud for caring.
StarG: When you think nothing is happening, that’s when everything IS happening.
Remember in God’s time frame.
Peace.
I don’t know what the punishment is for malingering. But I’m pretty sure it’s not as bad as what he deserves.
However, I am making some progress in healing. I’m reading the book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man” and having a lot of insights. I realize now that the guy I was with for 3 years who broke my heart badly was not a sociopath but what they call an emotionally unavailable man. It suits him to a T. I did not realize that this personality type was considered dangerous. We split up 7 years ago, and I have always felt partly responsible. Now I’m feeling the pain of how he hurt me. After 7 years! Can you imagine. I’m just starting to grieve over that relationship. It hurt me much more than the short affair with the S. I am heavy hearted a lot, but starting to feel more and not as numbed out and depressed. I feel more grounded, especially at work. I believe this is a good sign. I am getting through all of this relationship sludge. I’m determined to be healthy one day.
I’m also able to spot the places where I ignored the red flags on both relationships and why I let that happened. It’s not fun to look at these things, but ultimately I know it will free me to start to see my responsiblity in all of this.
Anyway, for those collecting books to read, that is my latest recommendation: How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you date him. I think the wisdom also applies to men dating dangerous women or men dating men, etc., you get the picture.
Do you think reading that book while you were dating a s/p would have helped you? Or is there just that fog that everyone talks about. I have thought (only thought) about ways to get material to my daughter that she might recognize redflag type of things. Have a friend send her something?!? Or the material wouldn’t mean anything when you are “in the fog”?
There is also this article Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser
that can be useful to some people:
http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2008/09/warning-signs-youre-dating-loser.html
My daughter is married to a s/p. The s/p has somehow cut off us having any contact
with her. My question is: It seems like it is easy to recognize the signs or red flags after the relationship is over. Does anybody out there think it would be helpful to read any material while you are still “in the fog”? My daughter dismissed lots of red flags while she was dating and engaged to this man. He would cry and use the “pity play”. We trusted our daughter’s choice, but now see he had a hold on her where she dismissed, stealing, lying, cheating, those type of things. This was not her usual mindset at all.
onajourney: Yeah, have her blog on here. Will give her a big BOINK over her noggin.
Seriously, what better Christmas present than her own “handle” for this site.
Peace.
BloggerT7165: Thanks, but I think we figured that out already. LOL.
Peace.
Dear Onajourney,
Your daughter ALREADY KNOWS he is an abuser, but she is in DEEP DENIAL of what she knows. Sending her things to read would most likely (I would almost go so far as to say absolutely) NOT do her any good UNTIL SHE IS READ TO COME OUT OF DENIAL because she is already “rationalizing” what he is doing, making excuses for his behavior, blaming herself for now making him happy, etc.
He is making you their “common enemy” and unfortunately, as I had to do when my own son was married to an abusive woman who separated him from us was to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT and WAIT. Believe me, that is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
When I opted out of the situation and just backed off, eventually, their marriage blew up on its own and my son came back to me and apologized and told me that “Mom, you are a prophet, you told me” and he and I have a wonderful relationship today. There is no guarentee that your daughter will not spend her entire life with this jerk, as there was no guarentee that my son wouldn’t have spent his entire life with her.Even after he caught her having an affair, he was going to “go to counseling and work it out” to “save” the miserable marriage—until she tried to kill him! Which is in my mind the best thing she ever did to him, because the attempt failed and IT OPENED HIS EYES AS NOTHING ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE.
Believe me, Onajourney, watching an adult child that you love be abused is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I tried to “play nice” and “be nice” to her for years and nothing I did mattered to her. But I think in the end that my son saw that I had “done my best” and appreciated that I loved him.
I never talked down about her before he married her, but I cautioned them BOTH to get to know each other before they married….he had met her on the internet and she lived 1000+ miles away so they had actually only known each other face to face for a few days before he moved her to our state and rented her a house, and then a week or so later at her insistence that I was “trying to break them up” he married her in haste—and repented at leisure….for 7 years.
AFter the fact, there wasn’t anything I could do but “put up a front” and keep my grief to myself. I am just thankful to God that he is out of that marriage and that relationship. He is so much happier now and doing so much better. He went to another state to live for about a yr and a half, but has returned back here, and is living in my house with his brother and me for a while (his house is rented out) to get some time to “decompress”—after the first of the year he plans to go back to work, and continue to try to get his debts paid off that she ran up, and get some money saved and then will move back into his home here on the farm. In the meantime it is nice for me and his brother to have him here in the house with us and gives us some “quality” time together. I am fortunate that both my adult sons are “great roomies” and we get along great as “friends” not just mommie/adult kids.
And, my house is big enough that we each have our own spaces as well as the common areas so we don’t get into each other’s hair either. Keep hoping that your daughter will come out of her FOG, and in the meantime, do whatever you can to assure her that you love her unconditionally and that you are there for her. I would suggest that you send her cards for holidays and special occasions and just a SHORT note to say “I love you.” Not too often, but for Christmas and Birthdays, and maybe a small gift certificate or check and say something like “I don’t know what to get you, but here’s a gift certificate for you and “John” to go out to eat on your dad and I. Love Dad and Mom” Just a neutral thing. Also you might send them something like that for their anniversary (so that it would appear that you are not “dissing” him.)
I do know it is hard, but keep coming here and reading and learning so that when she gets out of this situation, you will be there to help her (((Hugs)))) and prayers for you all.
Blogger:
Yes, I am aquainted with that article and found it July 2007. I was googling “violent boyfriends” because on her first date with him, she told me he bragged about the people, in his past, he had done violence to and beat up. I thought that was a strange way to get to know someone. Why would he think that would impress my daughter at the first meeting?