Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
My psychologist referred me to this web site. It’s terrific save one section: How can running away from these people be the only solution? Granted, it’s a stop-gap solution to protect yourself from future abuses; however, it’s not a solution for full/final resolution.
Allowing [them] to perpetuate their endeavors and perpetrate them on others only permits proliferation. Please tell me that there is some constructive, legal way to be proactive and preventative in a more communal fashion. I have visions of: 20 years from now they rule the world. It won’t be survival of the fittest. It will have become survival of the sickest.
To have to swallow this reality would be a further devastating blow to my slowly recovering resiliency.
There simply must be constructive ways to deal with these [people].
We all know this reader’s frustration. It seems like sociopaths are able to lie, cheat, steal, abuse, damage and injure with impunity. How can this be? Isn’t there anything we can do?
Running away
Let’s first address the issue of running away. This is the best thing to do if you are observant enough to see the signs of sociopathic behavior before you become entangled. If you know what to look for and see the red flags, or if your instincts tell you that someone is trouble, get out. You should not knowingly allow a sociopath into your life if it can be at all avoided.
Many of our readers, however, are already caught in the sociopath’s web of deceit. You have fallen in love, married the sociopath, had children with him or her, or given the person money. Or, the sociopath is a family member. Somehow, the predator already has a piece of you.
You may have been emotionally, physically or financially abused for a long time. You’ve been criticized, denigrated and told that you have mental problems. You’ve lost your confidence and your sense of self. You wonder if you are, in fact, going crazy.
At this point, you must break away from the sociopath to begin restoring your mental health. You must take yourself out of the sociopath’s game. Any time you see, talk to or exchange e-mail with a sociopath, you are opening yourself to further manipulation. He or she knows exactly how to pull you in again, and will do it.
You may call it running away; Lovefraud calls it No Contact. It’s the best way to begin healing.
Criminal prosecution
But how can you take action against the sociopath? How can the sociopath be held accountable? How can he or she be prevented from devastating someone else?
Unfortunately, it is not illegal to be a sociopath. Therefore, action can only be taken based on what a sociopath does, and many typical sociopathic behaviors are legal.
- It is legal to cheat on a spouse or intimate partner.
- It is legal to lie, except under oath and on some official documents (which never stopped a sociopath).
- It is legal for a sociopath to talk someone into giving him or her money.
Many sociopaths know exactly where the legal lines are, and manage to stay in the gray area without crossing over them. Their actions are unethical, but not illegal.
Criminal prosecution only becomes possible when a sociopath violates the law—which many of them do. Prisons are full of sociopaths.
So prosecution is possible when a law is violated, but whether it actually happens depends on the seriousness of the crime. Most murder cases get investigated. Most fraud cases don’t, especially if it’s a sweetheart scam.
Lovefraud usually recommends reporting a sociopath’s crime, even if it is not likely to be investigated. If a sociopath is doing something illegal to you, he or she is probably also doing it to someone else. Maybe if a pattern develops, authorities will take action.
Civil lawsuits
The other option is civil court—suing the sociopath. Unfortunately this will cost you money that you may not have if the sociopath has wiped you out. Then, even if you file a lawsuit, win your case and get a judgment, it may be difficult or impossible to actually get your money. Sociopaths are notorious for blowing through money; there may be nothing left for you to collect.
The whole process of taking a sociopath to court will financially and emotionally drain you. The sociopath, however, looks at a court battle as a game—a game that he or she is determined to win. And they’re good at the game. They bend the rules to suit their purposes. They put on a great show for the judge, even as they perjure themselves. They find attorneys who are equally cold-hearted, or who are so dazzled that they believe the sociopath’s lies.
Many judges, in the meantime, are as ignorant about sociopaths as you were. They hear the sociopath say, “I’m only concerned about the welfare of our children,” or, “I never meant any harm,” and believe the hollow words.
Exposing the sociopath
If you can’t take legal action, you may want to at least expose the sociopath to save someone else from being victimized. You may post the sociopath on Don’t Date Him Girl or other websites that name cheaters. You may get away with it. Or, if the sociopath you expose has resources and likes the lawsuit game (see above), you may find yourself in court, accused of libel or invasion of privacy.
Here’s another complication: There are no legal guidelines for when or how it is permissible to say someone is a sociopath. Media lawyers frequently do not allow the publications or TV shows they represent to call someone a sociopath. This may be the case even if the person making the statement is an expert. When his show about Ed Hicks was taped, Dr. Phil referred to Hicks as a sociopath. Dr. Phil certainly knows a sociopath when he sees one, but the show’s lawyers cut the term “sociopath” from the broadcast.
For this reason, Lovefraud is extremely careful with naming names. According to our terms of service, readers may not post the names of the sociopaths they have experienced in comments to this blog. And when Lovefraud does a case study in which we do identify a con artist, every single statement made about the subject of the story is documented with evidence.
Lovefraud does believe, however, that exposing sociopaths is the only thing that really works. In the future, we hope to offer a Con Artist Database to help our readers. But this is a project with many technical and legal challenges (see above). We look forward to the day when we can tackle them.
What should you do?
So what’s the bottom line? If you’ve been victimized by a sociopath, what should you do?
First, take care of yourself. Extricate yourself from the predator’s grip. That’s what No Contact is all about—escape and recovery.
Then you have to evaluate your situation to determine if further action is possible and worth the trouble. Every case is different. What did the sociopath do? Was it illegal? Do you have evidence or documentation? Do you have the money to pursue action? Do you have the emotional stamina?
If you have a good case, and the resources, by all means take action. Or, if you can’t do it now, maybe you can do it later, after you are healed.
As the saying goes, “revenge is a dish best served cold.” It took me five years, but I finally exposed my ex-husband, James Montgomery. He was fired from his job and forced into bankruptcy.
I will admit—it was satisfying.
Donna,
I think about this all the time. What can I do to stop him? And if I had called the police, what would I say he was doing? I would have just sounded like a hysterical woman with bad boundaries… Hey! That is exactly what I was!!
I wish there was some kind of laws against what these guys do but the more I think about it, the more impossible I see that it would be to define.
Great article. Thank you.
E.R.
If their an online predator – you can write us and we’ll be happy to send you our guidelines and post them on our site. We also have a full list of legal sites to post them at on the right margin of our main site.
We don’t believe in revenge but telling is a huge step in healing. The police have routinely blown off our victims. One of them helped close down a $2million a year brothel but then the police refused to do anything about charging her predator with soliciting – so of course he’s online smearing her because he figures he got away with it.
Predators will do all sorts of smear & damage control. One of our predators took the victim who exposed him to court, knowing she had no money to fight him, for ‘ruining his reputation.’ He went so far as to get her ex-husband thrown in jail for this too. The police didn’t want to listen to her. Like alohatraveler – they treated her like she was hysterical.
We are currently working with one victim where the police know there are laws in place but want HER to do all the legwork. She’s got severe PTSD – so how’s that supposed to happen? Meantime, her sociopath fled that country!
With the latest news on the Megan Meier MySpace Suicide – we believe a LOT MORE needs to be done about online predators who prey on other adults. This would help sociopath victims if the law made it simpler to file for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS and more lawyers would take this on pro-bono.
If cyberpaths’ & sociopaths’ victims knew there was more liability involved for their abusers it would go a long way. Sadly, far too many law enforcement agencies want to look the other way. Police already have bad track records for dealing with domestic violence.
We would just say call or write the police anyway. Demand they make a file. Demand names & badge numbers. Send letters to some civil lawyers in your area calmly & briefly explaining your situation. And most of all – go to a DV Crisis Center and get yourself counseling ASAP.
But yes, expose them. The more of them that are exposed- the more that ‘scorned woman’ cry of theirs gets very tired.
I have always wished there was some way to get the law involved just to prove that I’d been had. If someone has never been done in by a sociopath, they have no idea what it’s like to be with someone and know that you never touch. To have them go through the motions of a human being, but not feel. To them they are in touch with reality, but I’m the one who is out there. I used to buy into that. I’ve learned that you don’t always have to have the experience to have the knowledge. I often thought I was the inept one, because the ones in my life lived longer and had more life experiences, or so I thought. They were just doing life happenings, but they apparently didn’t feel anything.
I’ve noticed that so many of them do things according to their age or the calendar. I’ve been dealing with a male friendship, that is strictly platonic, who keeps insisting we are friends, but refuses to see how one sided it all is. It’s me doing the initiating and he is accepting of the time together, as long as it’s according to his time table and schedule. I’m not one of his priorities, but he wants to be one of mine. It’s the most frustrating thing, trying to prove a point. I’m learning to just back away and I’m reaching a point where I don’t care anymore. If I see him, fine. If I don’t, equally so. I’ve tried to get him to see that I want mutuality, but he refuses to budge. I say fine. You do your thing and I’ll do mine and we’ll just be friends in name only.
I don’t know how anyone else feels, but to me so many of these men, know how to treat other men like real friends, but they don’t have a clue as to how to relate to a woman. They just don’t get it. To them, it’s all about having sex, getting her to pay for his time and wait on him. They don’t know how to do the holidays. They let someone else do it all and they just show up. It’s hard to explain to someone who has never had to deal with this kind of personality. A man who doesn’t know how to provide and just be a real man. I’m finding it’s safer and saner to be alone.
I’ve finally realised that I’ve made myself an ideal partner for a sociopath (been out with two or three of em) and I don’t tend to find another one. So I need to remain single for a while so I don’t do anything daft again.
I’ve decided to cut my losses and write a novel based on this though – it seems such a mad thing, such a universal thing for us to give others the benefit of the doubt, to think ‘there is good and bad in everyone.’ But there isn’t!
I’m interested in the ethical problems raised. I mean…OK, these people AREN’T insane, cos they know the difference between right and wrong. BUT if they don’t know the pain of being betrayed, or the pain of anything (or, that matter, the joy of anything) then how can we expect them to relate to that pain, and to NOT take advantage of us? They don’t feel real happiness, so…I’m not saying we should feel sorry for them but…if we’re going to say they’re ‘not human’…we shouldn’t hate them should we? What’s an appropriate strategy? What do we expect them to do with their lives apart from stay away?!
Btw, has anyone read anything like ‘The Psychopath’s Bible’ by CS Hyatt? I read it for research – dull or what? It promised to be shocking on every page but never delivered. ‘The banality of evil’ indeed!
I’m also interested in the M Scott Peck view about the value of conscience. Why would we prefer to have conscience? I’ve been a victim of sociopaths, but I’d never want to swap with them. Why is that? Some of them would argue they’re more evolved than the rest of us. Are they more compatible with free market economics?
Oh I don’t know…I’ve been so affected by sociopaths for years, but via this site and Hare and Stout et al I feel like I can suddenly make sense of it all. And my head is spinning!
Thanks to you all though…all I know is that at my many low points the past couple of years all of the accounts in here have helped me SO much. Thank you.
I read an article in the last couple of years about the fact that the brain
can inherit tendencies from the parent’s addiction to drugs, alcohol, etc.
and that some juvenile delinquents’ behavior (created without conscience) could be traced to that part of their brain being underdeveloped or just not there. And the researcher was saying that that is why so many gang-related crimes were done – seemingly without conscience on the part of the perpetrators.
And then there’s cellular memory – I just heard of a writer who wrote
a scene in her novel that only later did she find out was something incredibly similar to something that had really happened in her own mother’s life (and she had never been told of it.)
For whatever reasons, we are all unique right down to our brains and cellular makeup – and the sociopaths are victims of their own unique
physical and spiritual blueprints. Right now I know I am trying to retrain my own ways of thinking – lately it’s been way too negative and it’s quite
an effort to overcome. But whatever happens, I do agree with the viewpoint that any relationships like this are something to use as a springboard for something more substantial and truly loving. Right now
I wish I had some of that money I’ve laid out over time for the wrong
reasons in unhealthy relationships. Yet it’s probably better to just say
inside, there but for the grace of God…and just move on!
I drove by the carwash here the other day around Thanksgiving, and the
small marquee there said “Give thanks for what you escape!” Seemed so unlike what they usually post, almost felt like it was a personal little
message from God and to not despair.
I guess what I’m working on and trying to understand is this – the therapist has said that because of my own family history – and especially with men (unavailable real father, probably sociopathic stepfather) I’ve
felt like an outsider, even within my own family and even with many healthy, good friends . So it’s been natural he says that I’ve been drawn to men who are ‘outsiders’ or have been ‘marginalised’ in their own lives
growing up. And I’ve known several men now – the ones I’ve been most attracted to, who had alcoholic or otherwise unavailable fathers (two both had fathers who died in car crashes at an early age). They had conflicts with stepfathers and continue to have problems with male figures in their lives and watched their mothers have chaotic or difficult relationships as they grew up. So we’re drawn together for many reasons – women especially want ‘to make things right’ and have the approving father they never had and/or get it right this time around where their mother (grandmother too maybe!) weren’t able to forge’
a loving relationship with a difficult man. So we pick out another ‘difficult’ man to play that part – and of course we get the same results.
And of course the fear factor is right there – we think we’re ‘available’
to the relationship and they’re not, yet speaking for myself – I know I’ve
almost known in my gut from the start that I’ve picked an unavailable
man and it allows me the ‘freedom’ of not totally committing myself, yet I couldn’t resist another chance to get that happy ending – against all odds.
The men in my life have not been total sociopaths – but they’ve done alot of damage to myself and to other women. At times, I’ve wanted revenge but more and more I realize the choices I made and HOW MANY times I made the same lousy choices to stay. All I’m saying
is that all we can do is accept that these relationships have all taken our own issues
and driven us up a wall to face them – and that is the Major Gift – we can
see them as ‘bad’ men but it’s an everyday mode of operation they’ve
gotten locked into – a way of survival. And it’s too bad men aren’t encouraged more to get help through therapy (I realize this applies to women as well but let’s face it, men don’t often seek help and probably sink to levels
of depression women don’t always understand).
I don’t write this to let them off the hook… I’m just in the aftermath and I’m sad he can’t really be there for me now – I hope he gets help for
himself so the pattern doesn’t keep repeating. All I can do is break my
own pattern and pay attention.
This website has been so helpful – I’m going to shut up though – I’ve had
enough of myself and talk about therapy – so many of you have had much worse losses – monetarily and otherwise – mine has been much more emotional. So please take these entries as someone just trying to get back on track – sorry to go on so.
After ten years in the legal system with my son’s sociopathic father and after 97 times in front of a judge I am all done. He owes me well over $30,000 in support forget all the other money he took from me over the years of being together. So low was he as to empty our checking account to pay for his fun in Boston that I did not have money for formula or diapers when his son was an infant.
I am stronger now and his son is awesome. It was long years of struggle to get to where we are at emotionally. My son is involved in the Big Brother program and I surround him with positive male role models.
I still have some anxiety over things and find it better to just push it all out of my mind. I am working diligently to get back a more stable financial environment for my son and I and that is the hardest road to stay on. The financial devastation (he and his new wife used my ssn to get cell phones and electricity and unsecured credit cards) has been pretty thorough on his part, but money doesn’t buy happiness.
With the love of my family and of his (yes my son and I are extremely close to his mom and dad and other relatives and we spend many holidays and weekends together) my son and I are doing well.
I have not excluded my son from seeing his father for one reason. His father is a great con artist and I do not want my son to fall prey to his father turning it around that I denied him a relationship with him. But I have gotten the courts to set some stringent guidelines and have sole custody so that they will be upheld.
His father has not shown up for the three months and has called him once (and slammed the phone down) in the past six weeks.
I think the hardest part for me is watching my son try to guess what he did wrong to make his father this way. I provide him as much emotional support and positive feedback as he will let me. My son works on the out of sight out of mind premise so we often don’t speak of him.
The legal system is not prepared to handle the mental state of people as a reason for incarceration or hospitalization. So with that said, don’t waste your time with the legal system if you want justice. If you have a child, then fight with all that you have and leave no stone unturned.
I don’t glory in someone else’s misery, but it sure feels good to know that I can relate to so many others who have been where I’ve been and know of which I speak. I’ve tried to describe some of that emptiness to others and they just give me that “look”. No one can know what it’s like to pour so much emotion into someone who is full of holes. We keep giving and giving and get nothing in return. Not that I give to get. I always thought love begat love. I did what came naturally to me. I truly thought the sex produced the intimacy, but I’ve found that so many can give their bodies freely, but when it comes to real emotions, they don’t have them. I keep thinking, is it just because he is a man and he thinks differently. But I’ve found, talking to other men, that they don’t all think alike. I’ve met some men who will talk freely of their personal lives, and they describe what I’ve been through with the women in their lives.
As long as these people don’t do bodily harm, no one wants to hear anything. The scars I bear are inside. If any one could see my heart, they would see scars of disappointment and disillusionment, along with many others. To commit ones heart to another person, who has their heart blocked, makes for a rather lonely marriage, friendship, or any other relationship. It seems the one who feels the most, hurts the most. One of the hardest parts of dealing with this, is the frustration from trying to be understood, let alone trying to understand them. When I embarked on the sea of life, I thought people were people. They were, in my case, for the 1 1/2 years my husband and I went together. After we got married, he and his family changed so drastically, that I thought for a long time it was me. I kept trying to change me to suit them, but something still held me back.
I could never understand the need for attention. I don’t seek attention, because all I’ve ever wanted to do was live life. Took me a long time to realize there was something so wrong with the way we were living. In fact it took an outsider to explain to me that I was being abused. That’s how broken I was. I was blamed so I bought into it. No more. If I can’t have truth, then I don’t want anything. Sometimes I find myself blaming me for the hurt my youngest daughter endured, but I tried to shield her, but it got to the place where I couldn’t anymore. We are all free now, but the lingering effect is what keeps rearing it’s ugly head. In fact, because I’ve chosen to remove myself, my one sister no longer speaks with me, because she said she never saw that side of my husband, so in her mind it didn’t happen and it’s all my fault. She said I was selfish and self centered, because I wanted out. If she would have put up with just a tenth of what I took, her husband would have been mince meat. In fact she has treated her husband in a lot of the ways my husband treated me. So I say it’s her problem too.
My only regret is that I didn’t know what to look for years ago. I could have saved my children and I a lot of grief. Especially my daughters. Everyone wants to be daddy’s little girl, and they were for a time, but he just quit. What a sad commentary for a life lived. Again I say, I’m glad to have found this site. Misery really does love company!! But I guess the only way to stop them, is to just get away from them. I will always miss the man I met, but he was a facade. The real man was scary. I think the only real emotion he has felt is anger. Although he seems to empathize with and understand others. Just not me. And I say, now, who cares. And if I had to do it over again, I would grab my children and run. I kept waiting for the man I met to come back. He never existed. At least for me. A very warped way of running a marriage. I always felt like I was his mother instead of wife. I now know the difference. I’ve become so skeptical, that I doubt if any man will ever be able to break through. My only defense.
Where do I begin? All of you have had such heartwrenching stories. I’m so glad Lovefraud is here to educate people about sociopaths. I’m in agreeance with Kmrobinson. The legal system is unprepared. So am I. I am currently involved in the legal system pursuing guardianship of my mom’s estate. Her swindler boyfriend has done such a wonderful conjob on her that she will no longer speak with me. I’ve gone to the police, State’s Attorney, Women’s abuse shelter, Elder Abuse agency and her doctor. I’ve written a letter to the editor, our congressmen, and God knows I’ve been praying. As of right now, everything is a mess. Mom has had a mental health evaluation. She got a glowing letter of competency because she was assessed only for dementia, which has never been the issue. Even the psychologist seems to get it all wrong. She never consulted with my brother or me, nor did she look at all the evidence I have against mom’s boyfriend. To make matter’s worse, the new psychiatrist assigned to do an assessment on my mom’s mental status won’t do it. He’s had prior dealings with my mom’s attorney and hates her, therefore wants no part of it. I’m getting further and further into the hole monetarily, and at my wit’s end. If I had to do it over again, I’m not sure I would have pursued it legally. Mom’s attorney has slandered my name to the Guardian ad litem. I plan to write a letter to the office of professional regulation regarding this. If things go like everything else has, it may just be a waste of my time. Everyone keeps telling me to let it go, protect myself. It’s too far gone to turn back. All I want is for my mom to be protected. Unless you have gone through it (being abused or watching a loved one be abused by a psychopath) you cannot possibly understand what a psychopath is capable of. The elder abuse agency in my area is a joke. I scheduled a meeting with the CEO of the agency, the supervisor, my brother, and myself. The supervisor sat right in front of me and lied about what she had said to me. I’m a nurse and have documented everything. I called her on it, but she continued to lie. How does one get help when even the agencies are inept? I plan to write a letter to the Agency on Aging at the State level. Even then, I’m not sure it will help. I just found a web site on Undue Influence, by Bennett Blum. I downloaded some tools that I hope will be helpful in proving the abuse. This comment started out being about how the legal system is unprepared. I hope I haven’t strayed too far. The bottom line is guard and protect yourself. Any legal recourse is too costly in terms of your time, money, and mental well being. Good luck and God’s Blessings.